This Isn't What It Looks Like (35 page)

Q: Why?

A: Just
why
? You mean like why the Secret Series?

Q: Yeah.

A: Why not? (You knew that’s how I’d answer, didn’t you?)

Q: OK, then, here’s a real question. Why do the Midnight Sun members wear gloves? Is it simply a sign of membership, like
a badge or a Scout patch?

A: No, they wear gloves because otherwise their hands will reveal their true age. For some as yet unknown reason, their powerful
rejuvenating elixirs (which keep them alive for hundreds of years) do not work on their hands. Incidentally, this is why very
young Midnight Sun members have no need to wear gloves.

Q: Is everything you write true? Did it really happen?

A: Yes. Well, no! I mean, I’m sorry, I can’t answer that. Just remember—all the names have been changed. For more information,
I’m going to have to insist you speak to my lawyer.

Q: Could you ever be friends with somebody who didn’t like chocolate?

A: No. Well, maybe, if they gave me chocolate anyway. A lot of chocolate.

Q: Do you ever read your books after you write them?

A: Are you kidding? Don’t you think they’d be a little different if I did?

Q: What is the Secret?

A: I believe you’ve asked me that before.

Q: Why won’t you tell us the Secret?

A: Have you bothered to look up the word in the dictionary?

Q: I thought you said you couldn’t keep a secret.

A: OK, you got me.

Q: Admit it, you don’t really know the Secret.

A:
A
, that’s not a question.
B
, I wouldn’t tell you if I did.

Q: I hate you.

A: The feeling is mutual, I assure you.

Q: I don’t really hate you. I just want to know the Secret.

A: Then you’ll just have to read the next book, won’t you?

Q: Can’t you give me a hint?

A: Platypus.

Q: That’s the hint? Platypus?

Q: No. I just thought it sounded funny.

Q: I take it back. I do hate you.

A: I know.

^*
A
MANIFESTO
IS NOT A FIESTA FOR A MAN
. I
N FACT, IT IS NOT A FIESTA OF ANY KIND.
I
T IS NOT EVEN A
FIESTO
. R
ATHER, IT IS A STATEMENT OF PRINCIPLES
. U
SUALLY POLITICAL OR ARTISTIC PRINCIPLES
. B
UT YOU COULD WRITE A MANIFESTO ABOUT ANYTHING
. F
OR INSTANCE, CHOCOLATE OR CHEESE
. A
PSEUDO-MANIFESTO
IS EITHER A FAKE MANIFESTO OR A MANIFESTO WRITTEN BY
P
SEUDONYMOUS
B
OSCH
. S
O PERHAPS
I
SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT A
PSEUDO
-PSEUDO-MANIFESTO
. B
EFORE READING FURTHER, WHY NOT WRITE YOUR OWN MANIFESTO?
T
HEN YOU CAN SEE HOW MANY WAYS MY BOOK FAILS TO MEASURE UP TO YOUR IDEAS ABOUT THE WAY THINGS SHOULD BE
. J
UST DON’T TELL ME ABOUT IT
.

^*
A
LWAYS CONNECT TO WHAT YOU’RE CLIMBING WITH AT LEAST TWO FEET AND ONE HAND OR TWO HANDS AND ONE FOOT
.
Y
OU MIGHT REMEMBER THIS HELPFUL RULE FROM A HIGHLY EDUCATIONAL AND FRANKLY RATHER BRILLIANT BOOK CALLED
I
F
Y
OU’RE
R
EADING
T
HIS
, I
T’S
T
OO
L
ATE
.

^*
T
HIS WAS A DISTINCTION THAT
M
AX
-E
RNEST—WHO’D ALWAYS WANTED TO BE LAUGHED
WITH
, BUT WHO WAS FAR MORE OFTEN LAUGHED
AT
—WAS ONLY TOO AWARE OF
.

^*
I
F YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT A STOOL SAMPLE IS, PLEASE ASK SOMEBODY ELSE
. I’
D RATHER NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT MYSELF—IT’S TOO DISTASTEFUL A SUBJECT
.

^*
A
NOTHER DISTINCTION THAT
M
AX
-E
RNEST, WHO’D ALWAYS LONGED TO BE
FUNNY
FUNNY BUT WHO WAS MOST OFTEN FUNNY
WEIRD
, KNEW ONLY TOO WELL
.

^*
T
HOSE WEREN’T ACTUALLY THE WORDS IN
M
AX
-E
RNEST’S HEAD
—I’
M AFRAID
I
GOT A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY—BUT
I
CAN PROMISE YOU THEY GIVE A SENSE OF WHAT HE FELT
.

^*
A
GAIN
I
MUST APOLOGIZE FOR PUTTING WORDS IN
M
AX
-E
RNEST’S HEAD—AND FOR WAXING POETICAL (RATHER THAN PHILOSOPHICAL) AT SUCH A SERIOUS TIME
. I
T’S JUST THAT CHOCOLATE MAKES ME WANT TO RHYME
. (G
ET IT—
TIME, RHYME
? O
H NEVER MIME
.)

^*
I
TELL THE STORY OF
C
ASS AND
S
EÑOR
H
UGO IN MUCH GREATER DETAIL IN MY LAST BOOK
,
T
HIS
B
OOK
I
S
N
OT
G
OOD FOR
Y
OU
.
B
UT IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THAT BOOK
, I’
D ADVISE AGAINST IT
. A
S IT HAPPENS, THE TITLE IS SOMETHING OF AN UNDERSTATEMENT
. I
HAD ORIGINALLY AND MORE ACCURATELY CALLED IT
T
HIS
B
OOK
I
S
A
BSOLUTELY
T
ERRIBLE FOR
Y
OU
,
BUT MY PUBLISHERS WERE AFRAID THE TITLE WOULD SCARE READERS AWAY. THEY WANTED TO CALL IT
T
HIS
B
OOK
I
S
G
OOD
F
OR
Y
OU
. I
WAS ONLY ABLE TO SLIP IN THE
NOT
AT THE LAST MOMENT WHEN THEY WEREN’T LOOKING
.

^*
I
N CASE YOU DON’T REMEMBER THE FIRST WORD OF
Y
O
-Y
OJI’S BAND NAME (IT DOES APPEAR LATER IN THIS BOOK) OR IN CASE YOU’RE THE LAZY TYPE, THE DECODED E-MAIL IS INCLUDED IN THE
APPENDIX
. A
S FOR HOW TO DECODE A KEYWORD CODE GENERALLY, YOU’LL FIND INSTRUCTIONS AT THE END OF MY FIRST BOOK.
A
ND IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT BOOK IS CALLED, WELL, YOU’RE NOT ALONE
.

^*
A
S YOU MIGHT GUESS FROM THEIR ATTIRE, A
FOP
IS A FASHIONABLE YOUNG MAN—SOME WOULD SAY TOO FASHIONABLE, BUT
I
SAY THERE IS NO SUCH THING
.

^*
A
JESTER’S OUTFIT, BY THE WAY, IS KNOWN AS A
MOTLEY
BECAUSE IT IS SUCH A MOTLEY MIX OF COLORS AND DESIGNS
.

^*
T
HIS IS WHAT IS KNOWN AS THE SCIENCE OF
DENDROCHRONOLOGY
. B
UT OF COURSE YOU KNEW THAT ALREADY
.

^*
W
ITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO
C
ASS
, I’
VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE REASONING BEHIND THE EXPRESSION “ONLY IN YOUR HEAD
.” A
FTER ALL, SOMETHING CAN BE LOCATED IN YOUR HEAD AND NEVERTHELESS BE REAL
. Y
OUR BRAIN, FOR INSTANCE, IS INSIDE YOUR HEAD
. (U
NLESS YOU’RE COMPLETELY BRAINLESS
.)

^*
B
Y
TRICK
, M
YRTLE HERE DOES NOT MEAN A CARD TRICK OR MAGIC TRICK
. S
HE DOESN’T EVEN MEAN THE KIND OF TRICK YOU PLAY REGULARLY ON THE BULLIES AT SCHOOL
. (A
T LEAST
I
HOPE YOU DO
.) R
ATHER, IN TRICK-TAKING CARD GAMES LIKE BRIDGE, SPADES, HEARTS, AND PINOCHLE, A TRICK REFERS TO A SINGLE ROUND OF CARDS
.

^*
I
F YOU HAVE NOT READ
“T
HE
L
EGEND OF
C
ABBAGE
F
ACE
,”
YOU CAN FIND IT IN MY SECOND BOOK
,
I
F
Y
OU’RE
R
EADING
T
HIS
, I
T’S
T
OO
L
ATE
. O
NE WORD OF CAUTION: AS
M
R
. W
ALLACE, THE
T
ERCES
S
OCIETY ARCHIVIST, POINTS OUT IN THE BOOK
, “T
HE
L
EGEND OF
C
ABBAGE
F
ACE
”
WAS WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WITH
LITERARY ASPIRATIONS
. THAT IS TO SAY, HE MAY HAVE TAKEN
LITERARY LICENSE
, EMBELLISHING FACTS OR PERHAPS EVEN MAKING UP THINGS ALTOGETHER
. Y
OU SHOULD READ IT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT—IN OTHER WORDS, AS YOU SHOULD ANY SHORT STORY OR NOVEL (EXCEPTING THIS ONE!)
.

^*
T
HE DIFFERENCE, AS
M
AX
-E
RNEST WOULD HAVE TOLD HER, IS THAT A PALACE IS A LUXURY RESIDENCE, DESIGNED TO COMFORT ROYALTY AND TO IMPRESS VISITORS; A
CASTLE IS A FORTIFIED STRUCTURE BUILT TO WITHSTAND ENEMY ATTACK
.

^*
O
OPS
. I
BELIEVE
I
JUST LET SLIP THAT OUR HEROES’ SCHOOL WAS A MAGNET SCHOOL
. O
R RATHER
, M
RS
. J
OHNSON DID
. O
H WELL. TOO LATE
. T
HAT PARTICULAR CAT IS OUT OF THE PROVERBIAL BAG
….

Y
OU PROBABLY KNOW WHAT A MAGNET SCHOOL IS
. P
ERHAPS YOU ATTEND ONE YOURSELF
? A
MAGNET SCHOOL IS DESIGNED TO ATTRACT STUDENTS FROM ALL OVER A SCHOOL DISTRICT WHO MIGHT NOT OTHERWISE GO TO SCHOOL TOGETHER;
THIS IS WHAT IS KNOWN AS
DIVERSITY.
T
O ACHIEVE THIS GOAL, MOST MAGNET SCHOOLS SPECIALIZE IN A CERTAIN SUBJECT
. B
UT OUR HEROES’ SCHOOL WASN’T AN ART MAGNET OR A SCIENCE MAGNET OR A SPORTS MAGNET
. I
T WAS JUST A MAGNET—OR AS
M
AX
-E
RNEST CALLED IT, A
MAGNET
MAGNET
. F
OR YEARS
, M
RS
. J
OHNSON HAD BEEN TRYING TO COME UP WITH A MORE SPECIFIC MISSION FOR THE SCHOOL
. A
S THE
P
RINCIPAL WITH
P
RINCIPLES, HER FAVORITE IDEA WAS THAT THE SCHOOL BE A MANNERS MAGNET
. B
UT THE STUDENTS DISLIKED THIS IDEA SO MUCH THAT THEY REBELLED WITH A “MANNERS BOYCOTT.
” Y
OU CAN IMAGINE WHAT THAT WAS LIKE
. I
T QUICKLY BECAME KNOWN AS THE
R
EVOLTING
R
EVOLT BECAUSE OF ALL THE BURPING, NOSE PICKING, MOUTH-FULL-OF-FOOD OPENING, AND
, I’
M SORRY TO REPORT, FARTING
. M
RS
. J
OHNSON GAVE IN VERY QUICKLY
.

^*
I’
M AFRAID
I’
M NOT SURE WHICH OF THESE DOG SOUNDS IS EXACTLY RIGHT
.
Y
OU WILL HAVE TO CHOOSE THE ONE YOU LIKE BEST
.
W
HILE IT IS DIFFICULT TO RE-CREATE DIALOGUE THAT TOOK PLACE HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO, IT IS PERHAPS MORE DIFFICULT TO RE-CREATE
THE SPEECH OF ANIMALS… FROM ANY ERA
. D
ID YOU KNOW THAT IN ALMOST EVERY LANGUAGE, A DOG’S BARK IS WRITTEN DIFFERENTLY
? I
N
A
FRIKAANS, FOR EXAMPLE, A BARK IS A
BLAF
; IN
E
SPERANTO, IT’S A
VOJ
; AND IN
S
WEDISH, IT’S A
VOFF
.

^**
I
CALL THESE DOGS
BEAGLES
BECAUSE OF EASE OF FAMILIARITY
. I
N POINT OF FACT, HOWEVER, THEY WERE
T
ALBOT
H
OUNDS
,
A PREDECESSOR OF THE MODERN BEAGLE
.

^*
L
ORD
P
HARAOH, OF COURSE, WAS NEITHER LORD NOR PHARAOH BUT RATHER A
S
WISS DOCTOR WHO HAD RENAMED HIMSELF ONCE HE BECAME A MASTER ALCHEMIST
. A
BOUT
L
ORD
P
HARAOH’S NAME, YOU MAY RECALL THAT
M
AX
-E
RNEST ONCE ASKED
, “I
SN’T THAT REDUNDANT
? L
IKE
K
ING
K
ING
?” F
UNNY, ISN’T IT?—GIVEN THE WAY
M
AX
-E
RNEST SEEMS TO REPEAT HIMSELF SO OFTEN
.

^**
I
T’S WORTH NOTING THAT IN HIS OLD AGE, THE HOMUNCULUS HIMSELF CLAIMED TO HAVE DINED WITH THE
K
ING’S
HOGS
(AS OPPOSED TO
DOGS
).
I
THINK THIS FAILURE OF MEMORY ON HIS PART CAN BEST BE ASCRIBED TO THE PHENOMENON KNOWN AS “BELIEVING YOUR OWN PRESS.”
S
OMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE, HE MUST HAVE READ
“T
HE
L
EGEND OF
C
ABBAGE
F
ACE” AND ACCEPTED THE LITERARY VERSION OF HIS LIFE AS THE TRUTH
.

^*
T
HE ONE TIME HE’D SPOKEN TO
G
LOB
, M
AX
-E
RNEST HAD MENTIONED THAT
G
LOB
AND
B
LOG
WERE ANAGRAMS
. “T
HEY HAVE ALL THE SAME LETTERS
. L
IKE WHEN YOU TRY TO FIND WORDS IN
S
CRABBLE OR
B
OGGLE
. A
CTUALLY, COME TO THINK OF IT, BOTH WORDS ARE CONTAINED IN THE NAME
B
OGGLE
. H
OW ’BOUT THAT
?” H
E’D MEANT THE COMMENT TO BE COMPLIMENTARY, BUT
G
LOB HAD TAKEN OFFENSE
. “S
O WHAT
! G
LOB
B
LOG IS STILL MINE
. I
CAME UP WITH IT MYSELF
. I’
VE NEVER EVEN PLAYED THAT,” SAID
G
LOB, AS IF
M
AX
-E
RNEST HAD IMPLIED THAT
G
LOB HAD STOLEN THE NAME OF HIS BLOG FROM A GAME OF
B
OGGLE
.