This Is a Book (26 page)

—Hello.

—Hello? Jeff. Oh, thank God! It’s me, Allen.

—Hey.

—Listen, man, I need your help. I’m in prison and—

—Can you speak up? I can barely hear you.

—
(louder)
It’s Allen. I’m in prison. There’s been some sort of mix-up and I’ve been arrested. They think I committed a murder! But I haven’t done anything. It’s a long story. Listen, I
really
need your help. I’ve only got this one phone call, and they’re about to transfer me to another prison—

—Okay.

—I don’t have my ID or anything on me. I left it all on my desk by mistake. I need you to go to my place and grab my ID and my pills. Please don’t forget the pills—that’s the medicine I need to take every—

—I think there’s something wrong with the connection. I still can’t really hear you.

—It’s probably the payphone I’m using in the prison. Did you hear any of what I was saying? I’m in major trouble and I don’t have much time. They’re going to extradite me to Cuba, because they think I’m—

—I’m just messing with you. I’m actually not here. This is Jeff’s voicemail. Gotcha!
(laughs)
I’m in Europe until late August. Leave me a message after the beep. Laters.
(beep)
This user’s mailbox is full and unable to accept any messages at this time.

Snowglobe with frustrated man trying to shovel driveway.

Dog-with-rash Lampshade.

Superhero flying through flock (just to be a dick).