Authors: Demetri Martin

Tags: #Humor, #Form, #General, #American, #Literary Criticism, #Essays, #Jokes & Riddles, #American wit and humor

This Is a Book (12 page)

BOOK: This Is a Book

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D
R
. B
ARNES:
Where was I? Oh, right… We also had four broken arms today—all Caucasian males. All of the patients are fine and all of them are tan and have a little bit of stubble.
D
R
. S
TONE:
No surprise there.
D
R
. B
ARNES:
Oh, I almost forgot—we had one guy this afternoon, who’d been shot in the chest—
R. S
TONE:
Really? Did he need surgery?
D
R
. B
ARNES:
No. The bullet missed every vital organ.
D
R
. S
TONE:
No kidding.
D
R
. B
ARNES:
And, on top of that, he managed to pull out the bullet on his own using just a pair of tweezers. Then he stitched the wound up himself. He did a good job of it, too.
D
R
. S
TONE:
What did he use?
D
R
. B
ARNES:
A knife, some thread, and some whiskey.
D
R
. S
TONE:
No infection?
D
R
. B
ARNES:
Nope.
D
R
. S
TONE:
[
Shakes head
] Wow.

[
Dr. Barnes looks through his paperwork for anything else he missed.
]

D
R
. B
ARNES:
We also admitted several other similar-looking Caucasian guys, whom we referred to Neurology to be treated for amnesia.
D
R
. S
TONE:
Hm. That seems to be going around.
D
R
. B
ARNES:
Also, about an hour ago we had a man came in with an injured ankle.
D
R
. S
TONE:
A sprain?
D
R
. B
ARNES:
Not even. It was just a bit swollen from being twisted. Apparently he jumped out of an airplane without a parachute, and twisted his ankle when he landed on a very forgiving awning before rolling to the ground.
D
R
. S
TONE:
[
Nods
] I saw something similar last week.
D
R
. B
ARNES:
We also treated a guy for exhaustion, who was “tired from having sex” with beautiful women—most of them spies.
D
R
. S
TONE:
Any female patients?
D
R
. B
ARNES:
Nope. But one woman came in to see one of the guys with amnesia. The attending nurse said that the moment they saw each other he suddenly remembered her and was instantly cured.
D
R
. S
TONE: Hm.
D
R
. B
ARNES:
Yeah. Neurology took a look at both of them before they left because apparently they were moving in slow motion when she first entered his room.
D
R
. S
TONE:
Huh… Did you treat anyone else? Any Asian males by chance?
D
R
. B
ARNES:
Are you kidding? I haven’t seen one in ages. The last one who came in was with that black guy.
D
R
. S
TONE:
I remember. They were arguing a lot, but in a funny way…
D
R
. B
ARNES:
Right.
D
R
. S
TONE:
Anything for the Burn Unit today?
D
R
. B
ARNES:
Not really. One guy came in who had been in a really big explosion. Apparently, he was right in the middle of the explosion when it happened.
D
R
. S
TONE:
Yikes. That sounds bad.
D
R
. B
ARNES:
You’d think. But he was just a little sweaty and had some dirt on him. He looked kind of cool actually.

[
The doors fly open. Two EMTs enter pushing a gurney that has a badly mangled man lying on it.
]

D
R
. S
TONE:
Whoa! Is he breathing?
EMT: Barely.
D
R
. B
ARNES:
Nurse! Get me 30 cc’s of Dexazine and call Trauma.
D
R
. S
TONE:
[
to EMT
] What happened?
EMT 2: Witnesses said he was in some sort of fight on the very top of a high building. It was quite a struggle. At some point, while he was laughing maniacally, he was thrown off the building and landed on a sharp fence before tumbling into the street and getting run over by a truck.
D
R
. S
TONE:
Let me take a look.

[
Dr. Stone takes a closer look at the man.
]

D
R
. S
TONE:
This man is at the wrong hospital.
EMT 2: … Uh—
EMT: What?
D
R
. S
TONE:
He is some sort of villain or henchman.
EMT: Oh jeez. Sorry about that, Doctor.

[
The EMT wheels the man away.
]

EMT 2: Doctor, we’ve also got a second patient. He’s right over there.
D
R
. B
ARNES:
What’s his story?
EMT 2: He’s the guy who pushed the other guy off the building.
D
R
. S
TONE:
What’s his condition?
EMT 2: He’s fine, except for a minor cut on his shoulder.
D
R
. S
TONE:
Okay. Bring him over.

[
Dr. Stone turns to Dr. Barnes.
]

D
R
. S
TONE:
I’m getting tired of working here.
D
R
. B
ARNES:
Tell me about it.

Rain

Rain, rain, go away
Come again another day

But don’t wait so long that plants decay
Or water parks get ruined.

Maybe just figure out a schedule
In which you could come back,
Like, perhaps, when I’m sleeping
Or at certain, specific times that might end up being helpful.

Say, for example,
During an enemy’s picnic.
Thanks.

Rain, rain, go away…

Or, now that I think about it, maybe you could come the next time the guy in the apartment next door has his idiot friends over to watch baseball.
In that case, rain, please find where the game is
And then rain on it until the game gets canceled and his friends leave.
And maybe then you could also show up and rain on each of them, while they’re on their way home. Yeah. That would be great.

Rain, rain, go away
Come again another day

Oh, I just thought of another great time for you to come:
Whenever one of those pricks with a loud motorcycle drives down my street or drives past me on the highway and weaves through traffic.
That would be a really perfect example of “another day” for you to “come again,” and to do so with as much force as possible, and maybe with extra slipperiness, too (if that’s an option).
Okay. Thanks.

Rain, rain, go…

You know what, while we’re at it,
When you do come again, rain,
Can you just come straight down, rather than on an angle, because it’s very annoying when
I’m trying to walk somewhere and you come down on an angle. It makes my umbrella less effective and if I’m wearing jeans they get wet and clingy, which really sucks.
All right. Thanks.

Rain, rain…

But, just to be clear,
You can disregard that last request about coming straight down if we’re talking about the situation with the guys on motorcycles or the other people I mentioned earlier.
So, the angle thing just pertains to when
I’m
walking. For
them,
though, I think coming down on an angle would work well.
Okay? Great.
Thanks, rain.

Rain, rai—

Wait, I was just thinking: What happens if I’m walking somewhere while, at the same time, one of the other situations I mentioned is also happening?
Okay, rain,… I think it would be best to just feel it out based on whatever I’m wearing combined with how annoying the other people are being at the time.
I don’t mind getting a little wet if it means that the aforementioned targets will be soaked, especially if I’m not wearing denim or some other fabric that takes a long time to dry.
Great. Thanks.