This Book is Gay (17 page)

That said, dating is so important to establish if there's anything in the pretty packaging that you like. This can take weeks, even months. There's no rush. The goal of dating is to establish if the person you're seeing is a keeper.

For heterosexual people this one is curiously medieval – the guy always offers to pay unless he is awful.

But what if it's two guys or two girls? Generosity is mega sexy, so I think it's always nice to offer to pay. Your partner will probably say, ‘Don't be daft – let's split the bill.' This is usually the way it goes.

If it was a good date and you'd like another, you can always say, ‘Well, you get this and I'll get the next one …'

If you're in a food situation and your partner starts working out exactly what each person owes, dump them at once.

This is complicated. Clearly, a trans person can also be gay or bi, so some of the information in the previous sections is relevant, but some trans people will identify as straight. Being trans can be a complication in new relationships, but it isn't always. Many partners are fully accepting of the situation because they have fallen for YOU, not your genitals! Many transsexuals are supported through transition by new or existing partners.

Worrying about finding a boyfriend or girlfriend should never be a barrier that stops a person changing their gender. It's much more important to be who you truly are than to be in a relationship. When you are happy and content, you'll attract far more partners anyway!

Jane of Washington DC, USA, is a trans woman who dates mostly women:

(I use) Almost exclusively OKCupid. The reason for this is that it allows me to “screen” people who have an issue with transgender people. OKCupid has a specific question, “would you date a person who has had a gender change?” and another, “at what time is it appropriate for a transgender person to reveal their gender status?”

I don't know what ANYONE did before the Internet, but there are now a plethora of online dating sites especially for trans people, although, once more, you have to be over eighteen to access most of them.

Harrison from the UK identifies as FTM trans bisexual:

Personally I find dating has been easier since I came out as trans. I am always honest, which I think is something I personally desire in a relationship, regardless of gender or sexuality. I found after I came out I was more confident in approaching people and even that it intrigued a lot of people. Some friends have admitted to questioning their own sexuality because of meeting trans people and the possibility of dating someone LGBTQ.

The only negative experience dating as a transman I had was that the person I was dating when I came out
-who identified as bisexual – had a negative reaction. While I don't count it as a loss, I came to understand that I needed to be with a partner that would respect me for my lifestyle and that I wanted to transition. At the end of the day I am transitioning for myself and no one else!

Duncan is a trans man from Jackson, Mississippi, USA

Being comfortable with myself and being fully open about my trans status means that I end up dating people who are really interested in me. And if me being trans scares them off, we probably didn't need to date anyway.

Truthfully most of post-transition dating experiences have been positive. The only negative things haven't had anything to do with being trans, but rather just not being compatible with someone.

This chapter is about sex. Therefore it has sex in it. WELL, DUH. If you are a younger reader and feel you aren't ready for the finer details of same-sex pairings, then simply skip this whole chapter.

HOWEVER, before you do, I'd like to remind you that we taught you all about straight sex when you were TEN YEARS OLD during year 6. The fact that they didn't also teach you what same-sex couples do is nothing less than institutionalised homophobia. Straight sex was presented as the norm to make five per cent of the population feel abnormal. Is there something icky about gay sex? Is there something wrong with it? I challenge any politician to discuss this with me. I WILL RUIN THEM.

This chapter is simply all the stuff teachers SHOULD be saying if they want to be inclusive of people with same-sex feelings.

When I was a tiny proto-gay, the idea of two men or two women having sex was hilariously funny. I ascertained at quite a young age that a boy had to pop his peen inside a lady-locket in order to make a baby happen. That made sense. What didn't make sense was how two men could possibly enjoy making the ends of their penises meet in the middle, or what joy two women could garner from rubbing their front bums together. Surely the friction alone would spark a small fire.

I, for real, used to think that ‘bumming' was the act of bouncing bottoms together like a fleshy pillow fight. I was confused at how such a wholesome activity could cause such outrage and disdain.

My confusion, I'm sure you'll agree, was delightfully innocent but actually hinted at something much darker.

Once upon a time, there was a very bad lady – let's, for the sake of argument, call her Maggie. She decreed that teachers must not include ‘gay lifestyles' in sex education lessons. This was called ‘Section 28', and it explains why I, as a young gay man, had no idea what a gay man was OR what they did.

Some years later, a slightly less evil man – let's call him Tony – took this piece of legislation away. That was good because now teachers COULD talk about being gay in schools.

Only one problem: Lots still didn't because they weren't told exactly what they should say to young people. Teachers aren't given scripts. Very often, teachers still sidestep the subject entirely because they're scared they're being ‘inappropriate'. How can teaching THOUSANDS of young LGB* people in schools how to have safe, healthy sexual relationships be ‘inappropriate'?

‘My school was deeply conservative, and the entire extent of our sex education was to shock us out of sexual behaviour by showing us stacks of photographs of diseased genitalia. Somehow this didn't violate their “no pornography” policy; maybe it doesn't count as porn if the sight of it makes you want to dry-retch. The existence of LGBT* people was ignored.'

Stephen, 22, Johannesburg.

Lucky for the UNIVERSE, therefore, that I have no shame and will happily fill you in (ooh er) on all the ins and outs of ‘gay sex'.

My earliest sexual experiences were some of the most scary, embarrassing, nightmare-inducing incidents I dread to think about. I was so unprepared. You think watching as much porn as your eyes can take will help
– believe me, it doesn't.

James, 20, London.

Let's get one thing straight: pornography is NOT sex education. That is true of all porn – gay, straight, lesbian, whatever. Here's why:

1. Porn stars are expert sex-doers. No one expects you to be able to do that – especially not when you're learning.
   
2. Porn doesn't reflect real life. If men in the army were having as much sex as gay porn suggests, the world would be in great peril.
   
3. Porn stars are selected on the basis of their fantastic bodies, huge willies and fake boobs. Not many people look like that in real life, and you probably wouldn't want to hang out with those who did.
   
4. If all gay women really had fingernails that long, A&E departments would be a lot busier with all the clit injuries.
   
5. No one is using condoms. You must always wear a condom.
   

Basically, porn is fine and fun, but it is in no way REAL. You can take ideas, but it's definitely not for beginners. Everyone, including young gay, lesbian, bi, curious and queer people, is entitled to high-quality, expertly taught sex education.

Heterosexual sex is taught as THE NORM. Not just at school but in ninety-nine per cent of TV shows, films, books, magazines and news stories. It's no wonder, therefore, that many LGB* people's first sexual dalliances are with the opposite sex. Ah, the feeling of being shoehorned into societal norms. Cosy.

Therefore, many LGB* people lose their virginity twice – once with each gender! Both can be equally nerve-racking, but this is how a lot of people figure out what their preference is.

‘I lost my virginity at age sixteen. I was making a concerted effort at the time to prove to myself that I was a hetero male so that I could ignore my thoughts, and my attraction to women was all I had to cling to on that front. I quickly realised that while I was attracted to women, I wasn't attracted to them as a man, I was attracted to them as a woman, in a purely female sense. I like to view my losing my “gay virginity” at age twenty, last year. This was the first time I had sex with a partner who viewed me as female, viewed us as a gay couple, and was willing to work with me to have sex in a way that felt appropriate for me. This was the first time I had sex as a woman in my eyes and my partner's, which feels a much more real event to me.'

Laura, 21, UK.

‘With a guy it was awkward. I didn't know what I was doing or what anything was supposed to feel like. I was really disconnected from myself. With a girl, it was exciting, it was comfortable. It helped that we were each other's first girl experience, so neither one of us really knew what we were doing. But we learned quickly, and it was just fun.'

Sarah, 29, Iowa, USA.

‘On my sixteenth birthday, I went to hang out at a guitar shop near my house which I used to spend a lot of time at. The owner was older, and married, and we'd been flirting with each other for a few months, though till then nothing had come of it. On this day, however, I spent hours there, as I had nothing to do till my mum finished work. The shop was quiet, and as the morning went on we got more and more tactile until we were rubbing our crotches against each other. We managed to stop short of getting our knobs out in the shop, and he suggested that I come round to his house the next day on his day off when his wife would be at work to help him “wash his car”. When I arrived, the car had already been washed, though it took us both a couple of hours to muster up the courage to do anything. In the meantime, we made excruciating small talk and browsed that week's Lidl leaflet. We carried on seeing each other for a few months.'

L, 28, Brighton.

Here is a diagram of a boy. If you are also a boy, you are probably aware which parts FEEL NICE when you touch them, but here's a rough guide.