The Youth & Young Loves of Oliver Wade: Stories (7 page)

OwOw0:
Nothing.

Boydyboy:
it was nothing like a lot of sexy dreams
i’ve
had. it
wasjust
pure solid
nice.

OwOw0:
Yeah it sounds nice.

Boydyboy:
you should try it some time!

I could tell he was angry at me and I didn’t know why,
though I knew what I feared. I feared he hated me because he saw through to
what I really was. He hated me for being a fag. All signs pointed to that, and
could I blame him? Yet still, in the light of day when I could see his blue
eyes and his pale knees framed by the holes in his worn corduroys, I let myself
believe he was angry at me not because he was disgusted, but because he was
hurt.

***

More and more, hurt was what he seemed to be. Maybe.
Maybe.

Boydyboy:
well
i’m
drunk
drnk
drunk and drunk and more drunk.

OwOw0:
You sound it. Where d you get it this time?

Boydyboy:
dear old dad.
i
noticed he
doesn’t even
fuckin
notice,
i
can take all
i
want and he must think he’s gushing it
down
himmself
cause he doesn’t notice. dad oblivious
= Boyd drunk. :-)

OwOw0:
Wonderfull
.

Boydyboy:
i
have something to tell you
but I can’t....

OwOw0:
Uhohh
.

Boydyboy:
Many things going on in my head. dangerous things

OwOw0:
I’m not guessing.

Boydyboy:
HAHAHA! That was so fucked up
up
when you were worried
i
was gay for you.

OwOw0:
Yes.

Boydyboy:
you
wer
e worried
i
was touching myself to thoughts of you every night in the
moooonlight

OwOwo
:
Boyd.

Boydyboy:
i’m
sorry. really
realy
sorry. :-(

OwOw0:
What are you sorry about?

Boydyboy:
RREALY sorry.

OwOw0:
You’re drunk and messed up.

Boydyboy:
really sorry you don’t deserve to put up with a drunk
bastard like me.
i’m
sorry for being like this and
for being shitty.......

OwOw0:
Boyd its OK,
i
wouldn’t be here
talking to you if I didn’t want to be.

Boydyboy:
I can’t stay awake anymore. falling asleep

OwOw0:
Ok...... Take care of yourself please.

Instead of trying to push him for more information I would
log off and listen to R.E.M. in my room in the dark. I would let Michael Stipe
sing to me, and there was always just enough hurt in his voice to ease my own.
I would sit on the floor, my back against the foot of the bed, and in the strip
of light that filtered in through the space under my door I would shape perfect
ampersands with the headphones cord until the CD ran out or until I fell over
asleep.

***

Mid-terms came in January and I failed a lot of them and
had near misses with others. The guidance counselor, Mr. Bowen, called me into
his office to see what was up. I couldn’t tell him the real reason I was so
preoccupied these days, and I didn’t want to bring up my ticks again, but I had
to give him something. Although I never was a great student I was not one who
failed.

OwOw0:
so
i
told him I was spending too
much time online.

Boydyboy:
well you do.

OwOw0:
I spend the same as you!

Boydyboy:
and yet I’m not flailing.

OwOw0:
failing.

Boydyboy:
failing / flailing, whatever.

OwOw0:
I told him I liked who
i
was
online better than offline. :-/

Boydyboy:
oh
CHrist
that was like feeding
blood to a shark. he’ll
hav
eyou
in therapy.

OwOw0:
I told him
i
was more comfortable
online and that offline I felt like a different person.

Boydyboy:
ooookkkk
who are all these
different
Ollies
? explain to me.

OwOw0:
something happened to part of me and that apparently is
starting to influence the part of me that people see and who walks around.
grades, etc.

Boydyboy:
what happened?

OwOw0:
if I have to tell you then I don’t even want to talk about
it.

Boydyboy:
what’s this cryptic shit.

OwOw0:
I guess I’m just sick of being other people’s Ollie so often....
doing the things people expect and afraid to do what
i
want to do.
i’m
like 90% to being like Fuck it all.

Boydyboy:
i
bet. why do you even think
there are two
ollies
. There is only 1 Oliver Wade.
that is
defintely
a sign that you’re not being true
to yourself. and yourself = happy

OwOw0:
And you are captain Honest Abe over there all the time?
i
think you’re two
Boyds
the same
as
i’m
two
Ollies
.

Boydyboy:
nevermind
, what the hell do
i
even care what you do.
i
have
homework to do.

***

Sometimes when I got disconnected from America Online an
error message popped up right away; other times it happened quietly in the
background and I would be typing and sending IMs for two or three minutes
unaware that Boyd wasn’t getting them. Our entire friendship had come to feel
like that second type of disconnect. My words, which at one point had seemed to
find him as though they were magnetic, now flew right past. Or maybe he was
dodging them.

OwOw0:
It’s snowing pretty hard out.

Boydyboy:
Let me look................................... yeah.

OwOw0:
Think we’ll have school tomorrow?

Boydyboy:
I fucking hope not,
i
still
have homework
i’m
not going to finish.

OwOw0:
Maybe I’ll go outside and make a snow angel... :-)

Boydyboy:
... and that would be gay

OwOw0:
Sometimes it’s nice to at least pretend you’re a kid again
don’t you think? When you looked at snow and thought it was so great instead of
thinking, “Fuck! I have to drive in this shit!”

Boydyboy:
brb
. dad needs phone

OwOw0:
yeah, fine.

Now at night I lay awake wondering when it fell apart
between Boyd and me, if there was one specific moment. Or if falling apart,
like falling in love, was just something you suddenly found yourself in the
middle of.

***

Spring started hinting at summer. By now the tangled
ampersand between us had replaced itself with a comma that was half on its way
to becoming a period.

OwOw0:
i
nominated “
Nightswimming
”
by REM for the official song of the junior prom. all those dumb shits better
vote for it

Boydyboy:
i
thought you weren’t going to
that thing

OwOw0:
i’m
not going. but if the song is
there
i’ll
be there, in a way.

Boydyboy:
yeah your record with school dances is RATHER POOR
hahahahah

Ouch.

OwOw0:
I just can’t be bothered.

Boydyboy:
by the way,
Nightswimming
sucks. it will get 1 vote! :-)

OwOw0:
I think it’s you who sucks.

Boydyboy:
i
think it’s you who WISHES
i
sucked!

OwOw0:
I think it’s YOU who WISHES I WISHED you suck!

Boydyboy:
Uhhhhhh
. no, actually.

OwOw0:
i’m
so confused.

Boydyboy:
that’s because all that
fuckin
REM is rotting your brains out.

OwOw0:
.......I don’t even know what to say to that........

Boydyboy:
well go ahead and take 20 or 30
mins
and see if you can come up with something.

OwOw0:
You know how I feel about REM. What is this, beat up Ollie
night or something?

Boydyboy:
heheheheheheheheehheheheheheh

OwOw0:
whatever.

Boydyboy:
wait are you really mad at me?
i
was just fooling around.

OwOw0:
are you drunk again?

Boydyboy:
:-( no.
i
feel bad. I’m sorry.

OwOw0:
Sure you are.

Boydyboy:
I won’t do it again.

OwOw0:
you promise?

Boydyboy:
promise what? ;-)

OwOw0:
Promise not to bash REM again.

Boydyboy:
yes...................................................

OwOw0:
that giant flood of periods makes me skeptical. I’m logging
off.

***

Since I was spending less time online nowadays my grades
had improved—there was solace in the clear-cut bullshit of textbooks—and
I was able to get through my junior-year finals cleanly enough to get Mr. Bowen
off my back. But still most nights I was fighting through the busy signals and
stalking my buddy list like a brokenhearted ghost. Boyd’s name no longer
bounced but seemed flattened from a weight I could not lift.

Boydyboy:
why are you still online? its so late ugh

OwOw0:
what else am
i
Going to do?

Boydyboy:
how about ANYTHING ELSE.

OwOw0:
whatever. Are you going to the end of year talent show thing
tomorrow?

Boydyboy:
Fuck no. it’s the last day of school,
i’m
not even going in,
i’ll
be long gone already. are
you?

OwOw0:
......they’re usually pretty cool but if you’re not going
i
don’t really have anyone to sit with!

Boydyboy:
it’s all singing. you would want to go to something like
that
hahaha
.

OwOw0:
so you don’t want to go?

Boydyboy:
Nope.

OwOw0:
OK.

Boydyboy:
but that reminds me. there’s
soemthing
i
want to tell you Ollie.

Even though I was tired I felt myself pop to full
alertness. After all these awkward months, he still had me—even when I
was confident he was only teasing.

OwOw0:
you always want to tell me something. what is it now?

Boydyboy:
it involves.... homosexuality.......... :-/

Still he could make my pulse pound. And feel quiet at the
same time. It had taken all year but now here we were, the last day before
summer, and I was ready. I wouldn’t lie again. I held out my hands. They weren’t
shaking. I typed.

OwOw0:
I’m here Boyd.

Boydyboy:
Someone you like is gay.

OwOw0:
Is it who I think it is?.....

Boydyboy:
Maybe. you might already know who.

OwOw0:
i
might have known for a while.........

Boydyboy:
It’s Michael Stipe your precious fucking REM god.

I looked at the screen with my eyes squinted and, like
coming out of darkness into light, I knew that in spite of what we had always
been, in spite of what we may have almost become, Boyd and I were nothing now.

OwOw0:
shut up.

Boydyboy:
he’s a giant fag.
i
thought you
knew. I thought that’s why you were so in love with him.
hehehehehe
.

OwOw0:
I only have the CDs.

Boydyboy:
well he’s gay. It’s public, he admits it. What do you
have to say about that?

OwOw0:
Your lying.

Boydyboy:
whatever, sure
i
am. search for
his name on the web and
youll
see for yourself.

OwOw0:
no.......

Boydyboy:
Are you still going to listen to him now that he’s gay...

OwOw0:
well
i
still listen to you and you’re
a giant fucking faggot right?

Boydyboy:
fuck you faggot................... I’m going to fucking
block you now before you say something you’ll regret.

He did, too. He beat me to it.

***

That summer I got a job cleaning oil pans at the auto-body
place in the center of town. With my first few paychecks I bought a weight
bench and set it up in our basement. I spent hours every night that summer
lifting weights and listening to R.E.M. At least something Boyd had told me was
true: my rock-god idol Michael Stipe was a gay man, and had been out for a
while; I’d never known. Songs that had only pulled at my heartstrings before
now made me cry, because now they were more for me than they’d ever been. I
wanted to be like him. I wanted to be proud, and confident, and bold. I would’ve
settled for being not so afraid.