The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (11 page)

Check out the bibliography in chapter 19 for books, DVDs, and videos on G-spot stimulation and ejaculation.

Please include something on the topic of female ejaculation. I had a horrible experience last year in a damn Ivy League graduate school (social work) class with a professor who, in a course on human behavior in the social environment, made a big deal about how teenage boys masturbate more and are more sexually aware than girls because they have visible results. I contacted her outside the class to cite some textual evidence on female ejaculation (rather than anecdotal evidence), and she basically dismissed it all with the valid point that there simply hasn’t been enough research published on the matter. Why am I interested in this? Well, my lover is a kick-ass ejaculator. Not all the time, but on demand. If I ask her to squirt for me, it usually happens. It’s quick, and quiet, and quite arousing. Just at the point of orgasm, she gets very wet, but not normal wet…more like water, and my hand gets kinda pruneish, like when I’ve been in the bath too long, and then it’s a sudden
O
, after which there’s a big ole wet spot on the sheets. Love it. How she knew she could is beyond me…. We were talking once and she said very casually that she thought she could ejaculate, but that she’d been afraid of it, and always managed to hold back during orgasm. The next time we made love, I asked her if she would let it all out for me, and she did. Amazing.

Suggested Web Links

ANNIESPRINKLE.ORG(ASM)

www.anniesprinkle.org

BODY ELECTRIC

www.bodyelectric.org

chapter five

The Road to Heaven Leads to You

I love my body! At least, I try to. It’s my goal to say I love my body and really mean it
.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR BODY? Many of us love our bodies. We love our strength and passion, and we love the pleasure we take in our flesh. We love our broad backs and strong thighs, love the way our bodies carry us through life. We love our full, rich lips, sharp teeth, and piercing eyes. We love our boyish smiles and lean bodies, love our well-defined muscles that ripple as we move. We love the dark berries of our nipples, the ripe plum swelling of our cunts. We love our graceful hands, the delicate slope from neck to shoulder and from waist to hip. We love our voluptuously long legs. We love our eagerness, our openness, the desire that gushes from our vulvas. We love our roundness: round face, round breasts, round belly, round butt, round thighs, the generosity of flesh we offer up to our lovers.

I honestly like my body. Please publish that in your book. Some of us just really like our bodies.

It’s marvelous how much delight we take in our bodies. When you consider the ridiculously narrow cultural standards most people hold for female beauty, it’s truly remarkable that so many of us wholeheartedly love our bodies. Do you ever get the feeling that if you give yourself a compliment, someone will correct you? (“Dream on, girlfriend—those cellulite bags are
not
becoming.”) You might even think it impolite or conceited to say you find yourself gorgeous. It may seem safer to downplay the whole thing.

No matter what your size, shape, age, health concerns, abilities or disabilities, HIV or STD status, you deserve to love yourself fully and unconditionally—and that includes your body.

A Love/Hate Relationship

So many of us women come to adulthood with less than perfect feelings about our bodies. Even if our families were supportive of how we looked and felt, our commodity-oriented, gender-obsessed, homophobic,
and
lesbophobic culture probably was not!

Many of us continue to feed a love/hate relationship with our bodies. We accept and reject parts of ourselves, managing only a cafeteria-style kind of acceptance.

Some days I can’t keep the internalized stuff in check. I hate it…my body. Belly’s fat. Butt ain’t big and bubbly enuff for a black girl. More breasts. Less breasts. Skin too dark. Skin too light. On these days I just can’t win! I don’t have many days like this—thank Gawd!

Finding out that others love exactly the characteristics of your body you’d like to hide can be quite an awakening. That belly? That butt? You may have gotten the message that it all adds up to something less than zero—but odds are there are some women out there who’d be tickled to look just like you (and to take you to bed).

Many of us come to love ourselves in spite of severe barriers—such as childhood sexual abuse, eating disorders, addiction, depression, disability, chronic or life-threatening illnesses, or harassment for our gender presentation or sexual choices. Add racism and classism, and the mix gets very thick. For us, developing a positive self-image is a lifelong process, with a fully conscious relationship with our bodies as our reward. Our self-love is hard won and thus all the more precious.

Formerly ignored, stuffed and numbed with food, I love my body. What aspects of my body make me happy? That everything I have pretty much keeps me alive and kicking to enjoy another day.

Body size, of course, is the most common stumbling block women mention when they talk about body image. Too fat. Too thin. We’ve been trained to measure our self-worth according to the numbers on the scale.

My mother used to tell me that no one would ever find me beautiful unless I lost weight, and it wasn’t until I met the love of my life that I finally stopped believing it.

Skinny femme girl that I am, there are times I’ve wished for a more womanly figure. But I love that my small breasts disappear in the palms of my lover’s hands—and the ease with which I am lifted into her arms. I love catching butch girls staring at my braless chest, my nipples peeking out through a thin shirt.

Weight issues get complicated by gender and sexual orientation. It’s disconcerting to be told that because you are delicate and petite you can’t possibly be a dyke (after all,
you
could get a man)—or that because you’re big and broad-shouldered you could
only
be a dyke (because no man would have you). Thankfully, many of us manage to turn this around.

I like my broad shoulders, big hands, tight ass. I enjoy being strong. I love being able to pick up my lover, wrap her around my waist, and fuck her even longer than she thought she wanted.

I am big-boned, with quarterback shoulders, muscular biceps, and calves an NFL pro kicker would die for.

I’m a fat dyke. That used to be an issue for me but it isn’t anymore. My hills and valleys and breasts make an excellent playground for those who are adventurous enough to explore them.

During the process of gender transition, body image takes on a whole new layer of meaning. What does it mean to identify as masculine when you have 40DD breasts? To be female but not feminine? To wear your clit as a cock? Or conversely, to be 45 years old and have the brand-new budding breasts of a 14-year-old girl? To identify as female and have a penis?

For years, sex was unsatisfying for me because I was completely out of touch with my body. Now that I’m in the early stages of transitioning from female to male, I can handle physical pleasure and accept that this flesh-cart is part of me.

My breasts are small but perky, and I love my tattoos and my nipple piercing. I have a beautiful tattoo of ivy on my breast covering scars from a lumpectomy I had when I was 19. It made me feel so much better about my breasts when I had that done!

Take a Good Look

Get naked and position yourself in front of a full-length mirror. Lights up! Take an uncritical look at yourself. Drop your judgments, save your critical skills for a film review, and forget all the things you’ve heard about what you are “supposed” to look like. Just look at yourself. Pay attention. What do you see?

I have a nice hourglass shape (maybe a two-hour glass!) and my breasts are full, which I like. I like how I look without clothes because I pretty much like how anyone looks without clothes—we’re all so unique and interesting and vulnerable and human without clothes.

Appreciate Yourself

I love that I’m so sensitive! Everything feels so damn good!

Masturbation is a great way to appreciate yourself. If you want to challenge yourself, masturbate in front of the mirror. You can stand, sit in a chair or on the floor, or lie on your side. Try to maintain eye contact with your image in the mirror—at least until you get too turned on to focus at all. (More on masturbation tips and techniques in chapter 6, Masturbation.)

Take It In

Next time someone pays you a compliment, take it in. All the way in. Don’t toss it off, don’t disagree, don’t make excuses. Say, “Thank you.” Period. Let yourself be appreciated. Of course, no one can talk you into believing you are beautiful—and you’ll get nowhere if your self-esteem hinges on others’ approval. Yet it’s nice to know somebody likes how you look. Being showered with compliments never hurts.

I feel a lot better about my body than I used to. Part of it is that I got in shape, part of it is my lover’s appreciation of my body. She plays it like a goddamn violin.

Join the Crowd

How often do you have the opportunity to appreciate other women’s bodies? Next time you are in an environment where women are naked—whether it’s the locker room or your favorite swimming hole—take a good look. Appreciate the variety of shapes and sizes. No judgments, no evaluations, and no comparisons.

One reason we’re so critical of ourselves is that we are isolated. We don’t get to see enough naked bodies to view ourselves as unique (but really not-so-unique) members of humanity. That’s one of the amazing contributions of the women’s music festivals—being naked with thousands of naked women who span every possible description, and some that you’ve never even thought of. The locker room is reason enough for a trip to the gym. If you hit the right gym at the right time of day (try a downtown YWCA at lunchtime), you’ll find a diverse group of women whose bodies take all shapes.

When I’m feeling less than wonderful about my body, I take a trip to my local women’s bathhouse, which offers a hot tub, sauna, steam room, outdoor deck, and massage. (It’s not a women’s bathhouse in the sexual sense of the term, though I’m sure that would be very popular in my town.)

You might think it counterintuitive to be naked in public on a bad body image day—“What? You want me to show off
this
body?!”—but it really helps. The first 20 minutes are excruciating—and not because of the temperature of the hot tub. After a while, all those judgments peel away like so much dead skin. Your bones get the message, even if your head is skeptical. You may surprise yourself and feel infinitely better by the time you leave. Many cities have women’s baths or public baths with women-only days.

Finally, my favorite place to stare at naked bodies is actually the one place where such behavior is socially appropriate—and even encouraged. Sex parties and sex clubs provide great lessons in humanity. All those naked people! Such abundant flesh! The smells of women’s arousal mingling with sweat. The sounds of bodies slapping together, women laughing and coming. (And at S/M play parties, the sounds of floggers thudding against backs, paddles smacking buttocks, and big, hearty screams.) At a sex party, you’ll see women you find less attractive than yourself being treated like sex goddesses. And you’ll see women you find too stunning to approach getting no more (or less) attention than you. The resources section at the back of this book lists local contact information for group sex events.

My ass! Definitely I like my ass! I got a nice big old round booty that looks good either in clothes or out.

Get Into Your Body

The more active I am, the more positive feelings I have for my body. It’s nice to feel powerful—to feel how my body can move me around and give me joy, through lovers, self-love, running, kung-fu punching, and dancing.

Move your body. Breathe. Feel your heart pumping. Let your skin heat up. Get into your body. Can you feel your bones? Muscles and tissue? You can learn how to feel yourself from the inside. You can do this whether you’re athletic or not. Even if the closest you’ve ever come to meditation is a 20-minute nap, you can become conscious of yourself as a sensate being. You don’t have to be able to get up out of your chair to have a positive relationship with your body.

Perhaps the most obvious (and readily available) form of bodywork is massage. Following a masseuse’s hands as she works your body can help you become aware of every bit of you—from the backs of your knees to the wings of your shoulder blades. If you don’t feel comfortable being touched by a stranger or can’t afford a professional massage, you can trade with a good friend. This has the added advantage of giving you an opportunity to explore another person’s body while enhancing your friendship.

Former shy girl Carol Queen recommends solo dancing. Get out of your clothes, pop in your favorite CD, and
move
. In
Exhibitionism for the Shy,
Queen writes, “Feel your body move; disconnect your head from all the worries about how you look, and concentrate on letting the music sink into your limbs…. Dancing can lead you into your body perhaps further than you’ve ever been before.”
¹

Been dancing alone for too long? Hit the clubs. Go dancing. Not only will you get to move your body and shake that booty—you’ll get out of the house. If you don’t like to move to a club beat, find a swing, two-step, or country western group.