The Truth About Fragile Things (34 page)

“What conversation?” Schatz asked with a conspiratorial grin. “I didn’t hear anything. Did you, Megan?”

“Silence is golden,” I agreed. And inside I sighed with relief because I knew that no matter how frustrated Braden was he would never insist on an explanation I didn’t want to give. I found enough courage to lay my fingers on his wrist, so close to the hand I wished I could take. “I’m sorry I can’t explain.”

He didn’t move, his blue eyes narrowed, flecked with black to match his freckled skin. “I’m not telling anyone you’re sick.” It was the closest thing to defiance I’d ever seen from him.

“You don’t have to. Just don’t say anything. Would it help if I promised you I really didn’t feel well?”

His eyes flexed with pain while his finger strummed against an imaginary string in his hand, looking for music that wasn’t there. “I don’t like it,” he mumbled.

I chewed the inside of my lip, biting back my thanks. Somehow I knew his anger wasn’t at being left out of the secret. It was from someone else stepping into my spotlight. He was defending me. My imagination jumped without warning to Phillip’s face. I wondered if he would mind at all.

Schatz ran to the debate room to convince Mr. Rolands to cover her afternoon classes and sent me armed with excuse notes to collect Charlotte and Phillip and send them to the stage. They grumbled as I pulled them out of the lunchroom, but I refused to give any hints until we were all with Schatz.

“What’s wrong?” Phillip asked as we climbed the side stairs and met Schatz where she stood with a grim frown by the sofa on the set.

“Sit,” she commanded them as she paced to the banister and back again. After they obeyed she pointed at me marooned on center stage, nervous, and alone. “Megan has some news for all of us.” Her sharp voice made me cower.

She was going to make me say it myself. I cracked my mouth open, half convinced I truly had lost my voice. “The news is…” My words wandered through the empty, cavernous room, vibrated with my trembling nerves. For the first time Phillip’s eyebrows lowered in true concern and he leaned forward, worry across his face. “I don’t think I feel well enough to perform tonight. I need Charlotte to do it.”

The only thing that moved was Charlotte’s mouth as the truth hit her and forced her to exhale. Schatz leaned against the stair railing, her arms crossed, her face stern and challenging. Phillip hadn’t processed the words yet. When he did a small croak came from his throat.

Charlotte’s voice was cautious and distrusting, but it came from a mouth struggling against excitement. “What’s wrong? You’re not sick.”

“This is your job. When I can’t go on you have to do it. And I can’t go on tonight. Schatz wants to run some scenes with you for an hour.”

“Megan,” Phillip finally stood and approached me, “what are you doing?”

“There really isn’t time to waste because Charlotte needs the practice so she won’t be nervous.” I forced myself not to look down, demanded courage.

“Too late. I’m nervous.” She brushed her hands together, the news finally reaching her limbs, making them restless.

“She’s not sick,” Phillip said to Charlotte without taking his eyes off me. I took a breath and turned my head to the side. Phillip looked over my head to Schatz. “She’s not sick,” he repeated.

Schatz battled her own frustrations and cast a doubtful glance at Charlotte. “We don’t have time to waste on details,” she announced. “Can you two do this? Phillip, can you help her?”

“I really don’t understand…” Charlotte started.

“This is the list, isn’t it, Megan?” Phillip’s question was stiff and for a moment I imagined, disappointed.

I looked to Schatz for help. She gave none.

“This is about the list?” Charlotte’s voice rose as she stepped toward me.

I couldn’t speak. I could hold back my tears only if I didn’t move. I barely trusted myself to blink.

“Places!” Schatz shouted, making us all jump. All eyes stayed on me. “Megan, get to class,” she ordered, her words brisk and unforgiving.

I folded my fingers against my palms and turned.

“Megan,” Charlotte said, but I didn’t linger to listen to more. If I knew anything from Bryon I knew we can’t go back on the decisions we make, not the important ones. The stage door closed with a heavy thud behind me, but I didn’t go back to my class. I did the first truly normal thing since getting to high school. I locked myself in a bathroom stall, pressed the sleeve of my sweater against my mouth, and cried.

I left school as soon as possible and waited at the kitchen table for my mother and Lauren to get home. Since crying is not something I do very often, it only took one glance at my pink eyes to send them both rushing to me.

I held up a hand to quiet their frightened questions. “I am not going to be in the play tonight. That’s all.” I found myself unable to finish the sentence so I let them ask their questions, my mother bending close to my face, stroking my cheek.

“Darling, what is going on? What happened?” she asked softly, coaxing the words into her safe hands.

For once Lauren didn’t speak. She just hovered, worried and silent. I wanted to reach out, but my hands were tangled together in a tight grip. “I wanted Charlotte to get to do it. Are you upset?”

“You gave your part to Charlotte?” Lauren asked.

I took a sharp breath in to steady myself and nodded.

“What does Mrs. Schatz say about it?” My mother asked.

After I told her my mother frowned, squeezed herself into the chair next to me so my head could fall on her soft chest. No wonder that’s the first spot they put a baby after the trauma of birth. Nothing matches a mother’s heartbeat. “Megan,” her voice fell gently over my head, and rumbled in her chest beneath my ear. “You don’t have to do this. It isn’t your responsibility. You don’t owe her your life just because her father saved yours.”

I looked up into her face, saw her eyes hard with the fierce protectiveness she’d always had for me, and wished what I needed to say wouldn’t hurt her so much.

“Don’t I, though?”

“No!” she spat the word out and all of our glances fell to the floor, as if watching the lie drop in a death throw on the wooden planks. But mothers don’t quit. “Megan, that wasn’t your choice or your fault. You don’t have to give up your play. She’ll have other chances.”

“But this might be the only chance
I
can give her. I want it to come from
me
.” I’d run out of tears. The place they had all come from was aching and empty inside of me.

“I love you, sissy,” Lauren said and wrapped her arms around me. Her quiet words of approval made my mother sag in defeat. Sometimes admitting you owe a debt is more difficult than paying it back.

T
here are no
dark corners in circles. That night in the band room as everyone circled up I tried to find the least conspicuous spot and slipped between two timid sophomores on the prop committee, but you can’t hide in a circle. I ducked my head, fighting the instinct that told me to run to the stage and take my place. The weight of all the eyes around me struck like a physical blow until all I was forced to fix my gaze on a distant spot of the ugly carpet.

The girls on either side of me took my hands nervously and I felt their cool fingers and strange grips against my fingers as Schatz closed her eyes and inhaled before beginning her speech. “Tonight we remember that plans are only a guess and that reality is what we make out of our shattered plans. New plans. Tonight we hold up the frightened with our best wishes and good will.” Eyes flashed from me to Charlotte. I imagined Braden’s accusing stare but I didn’t raise my face confirm if I was right.

“And tonight we admire the courage of those willing to step in and support the sick,” Schatz’s voice grew as she glared at me and paused dramatically, “and afflicted.” My blush deepened. “And maybe,” her words meandered, grew contemplative and unsure, “we have to also give thanks for those willing to step aside when the need arises and allow others to shine.” I swallowed against my sore and swollen throat, hoping those words signaled her forgiveness. At that moment I felt as sick as I was pretending to be. “Tonight, we hold on to one another and remember that the stage is a great adventure with many twists. Tonight we all shine.” Her hands went up slowly, and the movement rippled through the circle as we pulled up our joined hands and repeated her words.