After that first night, Mia got the bed and I slept on the pull-out sofa. That was the arrangement. No climbing into bed with me in the middle of the night. I broke it down to Mia. I told her that as much as I wanted to comfort her, I was a hot-blooded male and couldn’t take her lying next to me with her body pressed up against mine without having certain feelings and desires. That one night when she came to me, I lay awake all night long holding her in my arms until she fell asleep. I stared at the ceiling all night. I had my arms around her waist and my hands on her flat stomach. She felt so warm with her legs and butt pressed against mine. Mia looked so peaceful, with no cares in the world.
On my desk at work I keep a few photos of my moms, myself and Brice when we were younger and some basic-training photos. I also have a few photos of Brice, Mia and myself together. I was sitting there late one evening trying to catch up on some paperwork, but I couldn’t really concentrate. I had too much on my mind. I kept picturing Mia back at my apartment. She was such a beautiful woman. I had already called her and told her that I would be late. She said that she would wait up for me and keep my dinner warm. That made me smile. Mia made me smile.
There is this one picture of Mia that I had snapped: She is seated, looking like a sweet angel. She has this sensual, half-smile expression on her face, and she’s looking straight into the camera like she is looking straight into my soul. For once, her hair is in loose curls framing her face. In that photo, which I look at often, she looks so peaceful and happy. Then there’s this photo that somebody snapped of the three of us. Mia is in the middle with her arms around Brice and myself and she has this huge smile on her face like she’s having the time of her life. Those are my favorite pictures of her. Sometimes, when everyone else has left for the day, I can sit there and just look at those pictures, trying to figure her out and understand the mess my life is in.
And that is exactly how Sergeant Blackwell found me, staring at the photo of Mia. He had forgotten his keys and came back to retrieve them. He was the closest person that I could call a friend other than Christian. Blackwell was in his fifties and was a born-again Christian. The man was deep. He had it together both mentally and spiritually. I think he saw me as a son or something. I used to go to his house for Sunday dinner until he started preaching to me about my sinful ways. He didn’t mean any harm, but I wasn’t ready to change. I respected him. He was a good and decent man.
“You still here?” he asked as he rummaged through his desk drawer.
He had seen me quickly put the picture back onto my desk, but he acted as if he hadn’t seen it.
“Is Mia still staying with you?”
I nodded.
“Christian, I know it’s none of my business, but, man, sooner or later you are going to have to confront and conquer your demons. You can’t run from the truth because when everything is said and done, that is all you have.”
I opened my mouth to respond.
“You don’t have to say anything. I know what I see in front of me, and you aren’t happy. The only time I see a twinkle in your eyes is when you are talking about Mia or when you are in her presence. Life isn’t fair, but we don’t have to idly sit back and let it control us. Take charge of your destiny, man. The truth hurts, but you have to stand up and be a man.Tell her.That’s the least you can do.The truth will set you free.” With those words, he retrieved his keys and walked out the door.
I picked the photo of Mia back up, held it to my heart and thought about the meaning behind what Blackwell had just told me. I had some major decisions to make.
Like I said, when I came home for lunch on Friday around noon, Brice was at the apartment and Mia was packing her few items of clothing. Mia and Brice thanked me for everything and they left hand in hand. I dropped down on the sofa and shook my head in disbelief.
I must admit, it was lonely coming home to my apartment that evening. Mia couldn’t help but put her signature and stamp on everything she touched. In just a week, she had turned my house into a home. I guess she needed some kind of distraction to keep her mind off her problems, so she’d taken it upon herself to redecorate my bachelor pad, as she called it. She said she was going to give it a woman’s touch.
I have thought a lot about what Mia said about making choices and what would happen if I had to choose. I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. I know I definitely didn’t like the shit that Brice was putting her through. I had tried to talk to my man, but he didn’t know why he kept messing up. Personally, I thought that someone, mainly Brice, was going to have to get help or something serious was going to happen. I mean, this couldn’t keep going on like it was. Fights, apologies, get back together, fuck and the cycle repeated itself. Something had to give. They were like two time bombs waiting to explode. I guess something, some major drama, was bound to happen sooner or later. Sooner came before later.
30
Mia
I
couldn’t avoid Brice forever, and I felt as if I had overstayed my welcome at Christian’s. The only thing left to do was to go home to my husband or go home to Mama. I ended up back with Brice after he literally begged and cried for me to come home. That was the most humble I had ever seen my husband. He actually got down on his knees in front of me as I sat on Christian’s sofa and cried and begged. Brice said that he would seek help and go to counseling with me. He’d do anything, even go to anger-management classes. It worked, because I’m back home. I told him, “Let it happen one more time and I’m gone.” I mean it this time. Really I do. Do you think I enjoy getting my butt beat? Hell, no.
I am counting down the last days of classes. I will have my bachelor’s degree in two months. God, if you can hear me, please don’t let anything happen. I will have realized at least one of my dreams. I can hardly wait, and Mama is so proud. She once told me to never rely on a man for everything. Never let a man become your whole life because then you lose yourself; always have something that you can fall back on. She said,“God rest his soul, as much as I loved him, that is what I did with your Daddy. I lost my identity somewhere. And after he was gone, it completely destroyed me.”
Brice, surprisingly, is really excited for me as well. He has our entire day planned. He is taking me out dancing, dinner and the works. Maybe he is changing. Things are okay with us, not great, but at least okay. We are not walking around each other like strangers, and we even had our first counseling session. Brice admitted that he has this fear of losing me. For the first time, I saw this vulnerable side of him.
At school, Malcolm is seriously sweating me. We have a class together now, so I have to see him every day, but he is making it hard because there is definitely an attraction between the two of us. Malcolm has this sex appeal thing going on, and he knows it. And that dark skin and bald head. Ohhh, so sexy.
Sometimes we study together in between classes at the library and we’ll talk about stuff. He can be really deep sometimes. He understands what I’m going through. Sometimes I feel that Brice can’t understand because he has already gone through what I’m dealing with now. It’s hard starting out in the world and being unsure of yourself and your abilities. I want to make my mark on the world; Malcolm, he can understand all that because he is where I am.
This morning, I approached the new day with a new attitude. When I got up, Brice had already left for work. I showered, got dressed and actually let my hair down, literally. I usually wear my thick hair pulled back in a ponytail. But today I felt giddy, so I hot-curled some soft, loose curls into my hair and put on a denim dress. I met Malcolm at our usual place, on the fifth floor in a study room, at the newly renovated library. He was already there, with his head buried in a book. We had a test coming up soon, so he was getting a head start. I was beginning to realize that behind Malcolm’s rough, macho exterior, he was all right. And too sexy for his and my own good.
Malcolm did a double take, which he tried to play off, when I entered the room and closed the door. I don’t think he had ever seen me with my hair down or me in anything other than jeans, T-shirts and caps. Brice hated for me to wear caps when I was with him, but he didn’t complain when I wore them to school. I guess he figured the more unattractive I was, the better. Today I even had on a touch of bright red lip gloss. Red is my favorite color.
“I see you made it. I was beginning to think that you had stood me up,” he said as he looked up with a smile on his sexy lips and looked back down into his open textbook.
“Yeah, I’m running late because my question to the professor took longer than I thought.You know how he has to go around the world and back to explain everything.”
We both laughed at that as I pulled out my own book to begin reading chapters twenty-three and twenty-four. We had a test coming up within a few days. I glanced up later to find Malcolm staring at me.
“What?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why are you staring at me?”
“I’m just admiring your beauty. You are such a pretty lady, Mia.”
“Am I?”
“Oh, come on, Mia, you know you’re pretty.”
“Yeah, there’s me and tons of other pretty faces on campus.”
“I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about you. Anyway, you are different. You’re special.”
“Yeah right. I bet you say that to all your friends,” I said, blushing.
“You are, Mia, and no, I don’t tell everyone that. You don’t give yourself enough credit.”
Malcolm continued to stare at me with just a little lust in his eyes. It was no secret that he wanted to get with me. He had told me enough times, but he knew the deal. I’m not going to lie. Malcolm had it going on. I had imagined, many times, what it would be like to feel him inside me as he kissed me with those juicy lips. I knew it would be so gooood. But I wanted him as a friend, and I was starting to enjoy the time and conversations that we had together. I didn’t see Christian as much anymore, so I needed someone.
“Malcolm, why are you still staring at me?” I asked as I smiled at him. “You’re making me nervous.”
“Why do you stay with him?”
“Stay with who?”
“Come on, Mia, you know who I’m talking about.”
“Why do you think?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking. Enlighten me.”
“He’s my husband and I love him.”
“Explain to me how you can love someone who doesn’t support your college career and who uses your face as a punching bag,” he said in an accusing voice.
“You don’t know what my life is like, Malcolm. Don’t pretend to know until you have walked in my shoes.”
“Oh come on, Mia. I have heard the rumors and I’ve seen the bruises on you myself after he has laid down the law. I’ve seen your hand in a cast because of him. Be for real.”
“Well, since you know, there have been only a few episodes since we’ve been married. Most of the time, we are just like any other married couple. He loves me and I love him. Case closed.You don’t see the times that he brings me flowers just because or surprises me with a bottle of my favorite perfume. You don’t see when he calls me in the middle of the day to say I love you. You don’t see any of that. And he’s getting excited about my graduation. My uncle Larry told me that marriage is hard work. There are going to be ups and downs. I can’t throw in the towel just like that.”
“I don’t think your uncle Larry was referring to your sticking around and getting your ass beat.”
I just looked at him as I felt my good feeling leaving and my day going straight to hell.
“Mia, I’m sorry, but I don’t see how your husband, or any man for that matter, can hurt you. When I look at you, I just want to hold you and protect you. I don’t understand how Sergeant Matthew can use his hands to hit you and then turn around and use those same hands to bring you pleasure.”
I didn’t say anything. I sat there, unmoving.
“How can you continue on? Do you just forgive and forget and spread your legs whenever he wants you to?”
“Yeah, that’s right, I forgive, and I almost, just almost, forget when things are going great for months. What do you suggest, Malcolm?” I asked as I found myself getting upset. “Should I sleep with you, get a good fuck from the stud on campus, and then all my problems will be solved?”
“That’ll work. No, I’m kidding, Mia.”
“It’s not that simple. Life is much more complicated,” I stated.
“Let’s just drop it. Okay? I see I’m upsetting you. I have just one more comment and then I’m going to leave it alone. It’s true what they say. If he hits you once, he’ll hit you again. It’s not going to stop. I’ve seen it before in my own family. You are his property. You belong to him. I’ve seen how possessive he is of you. It’s his way or no way. One of my uncles used to beat his wife whenever he got drunk, which was practically every Friday night. It finally stopped when she shot him to death. Believe me, it’s not going to stop.”
Malcolm was the catalyst for the end of life as I know it. I should have just stayed away from him. But you know me, always the flirt who can take care of herself until the heat gets too hot. Well, it got real hot. I was playing with fire, and if you play with fire too long, eventually you get burned.