The Sweet Gum Tree (34 page)

Were you busy changing Daniel’s diapers, laughing with him? Loving him while Katie died alone without ever knowing her father? What were you doing when I needed you so desperately, when I went through the hell of her dying without you?” It was the first time in my life I’ve ever seen a person crumble so completely, and I hope to God I never have to see it again. Right before my eyes Nick aged twenty years.

His expression was one of such overwhelming horror and grief that it still haunts me, and his entire body seemed to fold in on itself.

Shoulders slumped, he lifted his hands and covered his face, his frame shaking in hard jerks. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, voice ragged with pain. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry.” So I did what I’d set out to do that night. I destroyed Nick without a qualm or a single feeling of remorse. I crushed him like a bug under the heel of my torment. And when it was done, all I had left was emptiness.

Wearily, I gestured toward the door. “Just go. Get out of my sight.” Without another word, he turned and left, stumbling like an old man as he vanished into the night.

I don’t know how long I stood there, staring blankly at the walls, drained of all emotion and tired down to my soul. The cats finally brought me back to myself, winding their way around my ankles, crying for attention.

Only then did I turn back to my room. I walked inside, took an overnight case from the closet and began to cram clothes in haphazardly. I didn’t know where I was going; I only knew I couldn’t stay here. Not in the room that held so many memories, the room where Nick and I had made love. Had it only been last night? It felt like centuries ago.

I ended up at my Uncle Vern’s cabin in Hardy. One look at my face must have been enough for him. He opened the door and let me in, and never once questioned my arrival. I swore him to secrecy and spent the next week sleeping or sitting on the banks of Spring River, staring into the icy water. Occasionally, he’d put food in front of me, but I rarely touched it.

Who knows? If Jenna hadn’t found me, I might still be there.

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Chapter Twenty

Mammoth Springs, the source of Spring River, was just across the Arkansas state line from Hardy, in Missouri. The water pouring from the underground springs was icy cold, and when mixed with the warmer air above, a nighttime fog was the usual results.

It hung over the river eerily, seething like a living creature, until the sun burned it off, giving Uncle Vern’s backyard a mystical, fairy tale appearance.

I woke early Saturday morning, before dawn, to the sound of my uncle rummaging in the hall closet for his fishing gear. Quietly, I listened to the front door close and the sound of his truck starting, then slid from the bed. Pulling on a pair of jeans and an old T-shirt, I padded barefoot to the kitchen.

The coffee was still hot, so I poured a cup, snagged one of Uncle Vern’s flannel shirts to ward off the early morning chill, and walked down to the river. Sitting on the bank, sipping coffee, I watched the sun come up over the mountains and let the peace soak into me.

The gurgle of the river was soothing, almost hypnotic. The first rays of light broke through the fog, turning dew-drenched spider webs into jeweled delicacies of extraordinary beauty. Across the river, a doe stepped hesitantly to the water, a half-grown fawn by her side.

She froze when she saw me, head high, long ears flicking in my direction. For a moment we stared at each other, but when I didn’t move she decided I wasn’t a threat.

Lowering her head to the water, she drank while a red fox squirrel scolded from a tree.

Water dripped from her muzzle when she lifted her head again, and she kept an eye on me as the fawn, at some silent signal, took his turn at the river. Then they both vanished into the woods like ghosts, leaving me to wonder if I’d dreamed them.

I continued to sit there long after my coffee was gone, long after the fog had thinned away into nothingness. Sunlight glinted off the silvery scales of trout, leaping from the rapids in pursuit of the insects that hovered above the water, capturing my attention.

And gradually, I became aware that I was feeling something.

Or maybe it was a lack of something I felt. Because for the first time since Katie died, the pain was gone. There was no anger left inside me. It was as if it had been burned away, leaving me clean and whole, like metal forged in a blast furnace.

I was pondering this amazing discovery when I heard the soft sounds of footsteps coming down the path from the cabin. They stopped behind me.

“Mind if I join you?”

Carefully, I put my cup on the ground beside me. “How did you find me?” 191

Katherine Allred

Jenna’s flame-red hair came into view as she sat down, her gaze fixed on the river.

“It hit me last night that this was the only place we hadn’t looked. I figured if I called, your uncle wouldn’t tell me the truth, so I drove up to see for myself.” I wrapped my arms around my knees. “I guess everyone is upset with me.”

“They’re scared. Cody told us what happened at the store. He blames himself for leaving you alone after that, but he said you seemed so calm that it didn’t occur to him you might do something drastic.”

When I didn’t say anything, she assumed a pose identical to mine. “The Judge came home from the hospital a week ago Friday, and your Aunt Jane has been handling things at Southern Supply. Kenny says she’s pretty good at it. You might want to consider keeping her on as an assistant when you get back.” She moved her head just enough to see me from the corner or her eyes. “Bowie brought your car back. He says it should run fine now.” I lowered my forehead to my knees. “And Nick?” I was sure feeling something now. Horror at what I’d done to him, to us, and the realization that I could never take those words back.

“I don’t know. No one has seen him. He’s even stopped work on the house.” We fell quiet for a few minutes, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Jenna was the one who broke the silence.

“Do you hate me? I know what you’re thinking, but I swear, Alix, I wasn’t using you.”

“I know.”

She finally looked at me, surprised. “You do?”

I raised my head and nodded. “After I had time to think about it, I realized I was more shocked and upset because I hadn’t figured it out sooner, than because of what you did.” Shifting slightly, I faced her. “You love him.”

“Since we were kids.” Her chin lifted. “And he loves me.” Her defiance collapsed like a leaky balloon. “God, it was so hard, loving him and loving you, too. I hated myself, and I hated Hugh for not having the guts to stand up to his family. Helena made it real clear that I wasn’t ‘suitable’ wife material for a Morgan, and Hugh always did what she told him.”

“I wish you’d told me. I never would have married him.”

“I know. I wish I had, too. But I knew you loved Nick, so it never occurred to me that things would get so out of hand. I couldn’t believe it when I found out you’d gotten married.” She glanced at me. “Hugh was the first guy I slept with, and the whole time he was dating you, he’d come to me after he dropped you off.” I couldn’t help it, I laughed. “Lord, what a mess we were. The whole time I was sneaking around sleeping with Nick, feeling guilty as hell about using Hugh, he was doing the same thing with you.” I put my hand on her arm. “I’m so sorry, Jenna. You’re probably the only innocent in this fiasco.”

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“No, don’t.” She shook her head, red curls bouncing. “I’m not innocent. No one twisted my arm and made me keep seeing Hugh. And for a while after you married him, I didn’t. I told him it was over. But then Katie died. He was hurting too, Alix, and you’d simply shut down. When he came to me for comfort, I loved him too much to refuse him.”

“Poor Hugh,” I murmured. “He was as miserable as I was. So all those times I thought there were other women, it was always you.” This time her laugh was bitter. “Oh, there were others. The irony is that he wasn’t doing it to hurt you; he was doing it to hurt me. Every time my conscience started bothering me and I’d tell him not to come back, he’d find someone else to torment me with. And it always worked. After a few weeks he’d show up at my door and tell me how sorry he was, how much he loved me, and I’d take him back. It was like being addicted to a drug. I knew I shouldn’t, but I just couldn’t help myself.”

“Well, he’s free now. If you want him, he’s all yours.” Her grin was wry. “Thanks, but I’m not sure I
do
want him. I’ve been doing some thinking of my own lately, and I’ve decided that I deserve someone better, someone who loves me enough to tell the whole world about it, and who’s willing to fight for me if that’s what it takes. Maybe I’m the one who’s too good for Hugh. Unless he does a lot of changing and growing up, I’m writing him off as a lost cause.” We shared a look of understanding before she asked, “What about you and Nick?” My gaze went back to the river. “It’s over. There is no Nick and me anymore.” The ache that surrounded my heart as I finally put my thoughts into words was nearly unbearable. And I had no one to blame but myself.

“I don’t believe that. He’s crazy about you.”

“Maybe he was, but he’s not now. Not after what I did to him. No one could forgive that. Not in a million years.”

“You told him about Katie?”

I blinked, trying to expel the moisture that gathered in my eyes. “I didn’t just tell him, Jenna. I tore him to shreds with it, very cruelly and deliberately. I wanted to hurt him, and I succeeded beyond anything I could have imagined. He’s never going to speak to me again.”

“You can’t know that.”

“And you didn’t see him. He was destroyed, and it’s my fault. You said he’d stopped working on the house. Since he was building it for me, that should tell you something.”

“I see.” She took a deep breath and gave me a wry smile. “Do you think they have a twelve-step program for men we could both join?”

“Somehow, I don’t think it would work for either of us,” I said miserably.

“You’re probably right. But, you can’t hide here forever. Sooner or later you’ll have to go home.”

193

Katherine Allred

“I can’t,” I whispered. “I can’t go back to the barn, and I refuse to move in with my family like I’m ten years old.”

She thought for a second, her head tilted to one side. “You don’t have to. I’ve got a house you can move into. It’s small, only two bedrooms, but it’s completely furnished and only a couple of blocks from Southern Supply. The owners wanted to sell it, but with the market sluggish like it is, they’re willing to rent it out. All we’d have to do is move your clothes and you could be settled in by nightfall.” Maybe it was time for some changes. My life sure hadn’t been anything to shout about so far. Abruptly, I made up my mind and stood. “Let me grab my things and leave a note for Uncle Vern.”

I suppose part of me hoped that when Nick discovered I was back, he’d call. It was a small, futile hope, but there nonetheless. I sure couldn’t call him. Not when deep down I figured he’d give a warmer welcome to Beelzebub rising from the flames of hell than he would to me.

Of course, moving into the little house took a bit more effort than Jenna had implied, and first I had to deal with my family.

Everyone was at the farm when we arrived, and listened quietly while I apologized for scaring them, and gave them the news that I was moving. Once again, they tiptoed around me like they had after Katie died.

Afterward, Jenna helped me pack my things into the boxes we’d picked up on our way through town. Not only did I have my clothes, I had all my personal items and dishes to pack. As each box was filled, one of us would carry it out to the Chevy.

Strangely enough, I discovered I didn’t like the car anymore. Like the room in the barn, I had clung to it all these years because it was familiar, because it was a part of Nick I couldn’t let go of, even though I hadn’t realized that’s what I was doing. But for now the Chevy was all I had, so I’d drive it until I could buy a new car.

When the last box was packed, Jenna brushed the hair away from her face, gave me a meaningful glance, and then headed for the door. “I’ll go unlock the house and turn on the air conditioner. See you in a few minutes.” She was giving me time to say goodbye to my old life, and I took it.

Alone, I stood in the middle of the empty room, my gaze moving over the rickety bed, the lumpy old easy chair, and the small window. There was a feeling of abandonment about the room now, an air of infinite sadness. It was almost as though the room knew its usefulness had come to an end, that no one would ever rest within its sturdy walls again.

With tears in my eyes, I went out and closed the door softly behind me. I was halfway through the front part of the barn when my foot hit something, sent it skittering across the floor ahead of me with a tinkle of metal.

A sob caught in my throat, I leaned down and picked up the remnants of the pendant. Clutching it in my fist, I leaned weakly against a stall, tears streaming down 194

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my cheeks. “What have I done?” I whispered, my heart breaking into a million pieces.

“Oh, God, what have I done?”

* * * * *

The next week was odd, unreal. I spent Sunday unpacking and arranging my things in the cozy little house I’d leased. It had been remodeled recently and had every convenience I could possibly want, including a flowerbed off the back porch overflowing with roses in every color imaginable. And yet, for me, who had never had close neighbors before, it was strange being able to hear children playing so near.

Traffic was a constant background murmur that kept me awake most of those first nights.

Monday morning, I had the utilities switched over into my name, and my phone moved. When I got to work, I discovered Aunt Jane there before me. Neither of us said a word, she just continued as though she’d been working at Southern Supply forever.

And Jenna had been right. The woman was a marvel of efficiency. For the first time in ages, I found myself with time on my hands.

I spent it wandering through the store, staring at the merchandise as though I’d never seen it before, and chatting with employees I’d barely spoken with since the day I’d hired them.