Authors: Nancy Frederick
Holly and I would sit in restaurants and discuss possibilities for the house and I would listen to her suggestions with satisfaction. There she was across from me, so pretty and neat, with her soft, innocent voice describing the various pieces of furniture we had seen and how they all might go together to create a home in which I would be happy. That was Holly
’
s goal
—
my happiness and it was wonderful to be at the center of her world.
It was then that I first noticed Holly
’
s teeth. They were crooked. How odd that I had never seen before how the left front tooth overlapped the right. Holly would smile as usual, and instead of hearing what she was saying, I focused on that tooth. Over and over in my mind I would see the crooked tooth and envision straightening it. Focusing on the tooth distracted me from what I was saying, and thus it fell to Holly to uphold more of the conversation. And suddenly I noticed something. Holly had no real ideas or interests of her own. She never talked about her day. All she did was listen to me talk about my day. And although she was sympathetic if there were a problem, she never really had much to say about a possible solution. She didn
’
t offer any insights about my ideas. She just listened and supported me. Maybe I needed more than that, and maybe Holly was unprepared to offer it.
That was the germ of dissatisfaction that entered my romance and steadily grew. Each day as I called Holly for our lunchtime conversation, I listened keenly to see if she actually said anything. And she never did. I might as well have been talking to a recording of the weather for all the quality interaction that took place. How could I have been so dazzled that I failed to notice this fatal flaw in Holly
’
s character? Romance can be so distressing, because there you go pouring your whole soul into an alliance and then you discover that you are building castles on air. The only thing that saves me is that I can wait to fall in love, and I was really lucky this time, because imagine how hurt I would have been if I had let myself go and had fallen in love with Holly before I discovered the truth about her. Imagine what it would have been like if I had married her. I
’
d come home every night to a woman who was a shadow to myself, someone who never had an idea of her own to contribute to our relationship, or my life. Imagine having to do all the thinking and planning and having her merely go along without having to contribute her fair share to the partnership. Imagine having her like an albatross around my neck, someone I would have to support because she had no ability to take care of herself. It would be awful.
I began to feel distressed all the time. There was Holly waiting for me like a trap, and despite the fact that I still wanted to see her and sleep with her and feel her soft body in my arms, I knew that I had to break it off with Holly before she tempted me any further. I had no other woman to distract me, and unfortunately, that is always the best way for me to end an affair. Cold turkey is just so unbearable.
I was puzzled over this dilemma for at least two weeks, and Holy didn
’
t even notice that something was wrong. She was as cheerful and loving as ever, just as though things were the same, when in fact everything was different but she was just too unaware to see it. How could I have thought that she was right for me when she was too thick even to see that my interest had disintegrated?
One night I stopped at the market so that I could buy some beer. I was thinking that maybe I could go back to Lou
’
s and discuss this whole problem with him, and maybe the beers would relax us both. He might have some insight to offer me and some advice about this whole messy situation. As I was going toward the liquor department, I passed through the fresh flowers and I stopped to look at them. For a second I was reminded of Liana, and the beautiful bouquets she always had in her apartment. Now that was a woman who could think for herself, and it didn
’
t stop her from being soft and loving. The memory of Liana made me more depressed than ever, and so I pushed her as far out of my mind as I could.
Just at the end of the flower section, were some flats of impatiens. I reached down and lifted the flats into a cart, thinking that I could plant them in my yard next week after I moved in. As I reached down, another cart came crashing into my own, and I looked up to see the cause of the excitement. And that was how I met Jennifer. She smiled at me, and immediately I hoped that she might turn out better than Holly had.
Suddenly everything became clear. I knew what I had to do. I called Holly and told her it was over; she was hysterical. I was sorry, but I couldn
’
t ruin my life to save her feelings, and I made the conversation as short as possible. Sinking down into a chair, I opened a beer, relaxed and took a gulp. It was the best beer I had ever tasted. I would chill out for a while, then maybe I would give Jennifer a call and get to know her. Just as it began to be clear that things were on the upswing, the bell rang. Lou was in the shower, so I answered it.
There was Holly, wearing jeans and a tee shirt with no bra, her face streaked with tears, her eyes red and swollen, and the awful teeth prominent in her mouth. I didn
’
t invite her in because I didn
’
t want to make a scene in front of Lou, who by this time had emerged from the shower in his robe. I took Holly by the arm and walked out in front of the house. She rambled on about how much she loved me and how she couldn
’
t bear to be without me. What could I do? I pointed out again and again that it was over, that I was sorry she was hurt, but that there was nothing I could do now. Nothing helped. Finally I just had to escape. I walked away, leaving here there in front of Lou
’
s house and I got into my car and drove off.
It was a relief to be free of her and her cloying emotional needs. As I looked back, just before I turned the corner I saw her there with Lou, he in his robe, with his arm around her, she shaking and sobbing. I slowed down to watch, and eventually they disappeared into the house together. I bet old Lou had her in the sack within ten minutes, and hey I wish him well, even if he doesn
’
t know what he
’
s getting into. And I thought about Holly, so crazy about me but obviously willing to tumble into bed with the next guy who comes along. It
’
s just like I always said
—
women never have any ethics.
Fauna
Daddy
’
s Money
Is there anything more wonderful than lying naked in a Jacuzzi while overhead there
’
s nothing to block your vision but an endless stretch of cloudless blue sky? The way I see it, the change in location is a metaphor for the change in my life.
Las Vegas
is a desert. Everything is dry and parched and cracked and faded, including the people. That
’
s why the unnatural glare of the neon at the casinos is overwhelming. Here in
Los Angeles
, I found my oasis. The sky is blue and clear and the undercurrent of cool ocean breeze always refreshes my spirit.
Today I sit in my Jacuzzi, surrounded by blooming trees and flowers. I look over at the house I own, that cost 2.6 million, and although Bart originally helped me buy it, I make the payments now, and I have enough of a portfolio to manage that on my own. That
’
s in addition to the apartment buildings I own, the restaurant I have a one-third interest in and the shopping mall I backed with a group of ten investors. If Mother could see me now, she
’
d be amazed. I
’
m amazed myself and it
’
s my life.
Six years ago I arrived in
L.A.
with a few thousand dollars in savings and the name of a man who would get me work stripping at private parties. Making money in this town is a piece of cake. Everybody in
Las Vegas
is desperate; they all have a hard edge to their eyes and a nervousness in their glance. Even the winners. Here a girl could have a guy put a thousand dollar bill in her g-string and know for sure that not only can he afford to spend it, that doing so gives him pleasure and no anxiety at all.
It was easy to accumulate some cash. By the end of my first year on the coast I had a safety deposit box with thirty thousand dollars in it. The only problem was that I didn
’
t know what to do with it or how to make the most of it. What I did know was that money is the key to happiness
—
well maybe money and sex, and I knew I could always get sex for free, even if I still could find a guy to make me come, so I planned to learn how to make money. I decided to sign up for classes at U.C.L.A. or U.S.C. and to enroll in the business course. I didn
’
t care about a diploma or a degree, but I did think that I could enjoy learning about the ways of the business world.
At that time I was living in a little apartment I rented north of Sunset. I liked it because I had a dazzling view of the city lights from my living room window and a little terrace where I could sit out and daydream about my future. The Strip was right below me and often in the early evening or afternoon when I knew I wouldn
’
t be working later, I
’
d stroll along the Strip, shopping in the boutiques or stopping into Nicky Blair
’
s or Le Dome for a meal or a drink. People didn
’
t stare at me as much here as at home, because here practically every girl has platinum hair and large, perfect boobs. Well, they stare a little. I fantasize that they wonder if I
’
m a starlet or someone whose name they should know.
One day I stopped into a little garden shop and bought a plant for my terrace. It was a bit of Bougainvillea twined around a wooden stake. The vivid fuchsia is so beautiful and each little flower, like an exotic paper lantern, is so fragile and perfect. I never thought about the fact that it might be difficult to carry it home without a car, but it was. After about a two block struggle, and enormous limo pulled up alongside me and the chauffeur removed the plant from my arms and the man of about sixty in the back seat smiled and said,
“
Get in.
”
That
’
s how I met Bart.
It doesn
’
t matter that a girl
’
s a stripper or that she has slept with a lot of men. That kind of experience counts for very little in the way of real sophistication. I was as much a rube as the virgin from
Kansas
in town to become the next motion picture star. I saw Bart in the back seat of his opulent limousine and I couldn
’
t think of a thing to say but
“
Wow.
”
He gave me a knowing glance, probably because so many girls had already reacted in just that way to similar advances. There is one thing to be said for promiscuity
—
it makes you immune to any kind of sexual nervousness or fear. It never occurred to me that this rich guy was going to ravage me in the back seat. So what if he did have sex on his mind? Maybe I could come in the back seat of a Rolls limo, who knows? Eventually in some place at some time and with some guy I would come. All I had to do was keep trying.
Bart didn
’
t try that however. Instead he made an effort to open a friendly and casual conversation. He was kindly and sweet and easy to talk to and I began to feel more at ease than I had ever felt before in my life. We chatted and laughed and shared an unnatural intimacy that felt more familial than the bond I had experienced even with my mother. When he invited me back to his place for a swim, I went with happy anticipation.
I have been in many places where lots of money was clearly evident. This was the first time I
’
d seen a home where there was a sense both of money and of class. I felt like I had been invited to some kind of private museum, except that Bart and his staff treated me with such kindness and courtesy that it was hard not to feel welcome and at home. So instead of U.C.L.A. or U.S.C., I signed up at the
University
of
Bart
at
Los Angeles
.
I would sit beside him and listen to him explain how to know a good deal from a bad deal, how to get the most return from the least capital outlay, how to know when to go in deeper and when to back out, how to cut your losses if it came to that. And I remembered everything he said because somehow it was fascinating. More important than the tips I got from Bart, was the act of being taught by him.
I could snuggle up in his lap and listen to him talk or just have him hold and comfort me. He became like a solid rock in my life, for the first time in my life. I knew I could count on him for anything I needed, not just money, but time and personal consideration, and it was a wonderful feeling. He was my lover, my father, my savior.