I tried to get her back on track. “You said you needed my help!”
“I do!” she wailed. “It's Amber. She's having a meltdown. Crying hysterically. Says she can't go through with it. I remembered that you had a meltdown, too, on your wedding day. Maybe you can talk some sense into her. Convince her that marrying Jeff is the best thing she could do.”
I didn't point out to her that marrying Jeff was the biggest mistake of my life.
Pepe's Blog: Checking out the Crowd
For a detective, there is nothing more advantageous than a large gathering of humans. For instance, a wedding or a funeral. Even a dinner party will do. One can find out much by watching their interactions. They slap each other on the back and clasp paws (a mere parlor trick for dogs) and sometimes even embrace. But they never sniff butts, a quick way to determine age and readiness to either mate or fight, nor do they sniff skin, which can reveal a great deal including where they have recently been, what they have eaten, and what sort of mood they are in. Mostly they jabber in that quaint but complicated language of theirs. Fortunately, as a student of languages, I have learned to translate from English to Canine.
Geri's sister seemed to be asking her for help calming down a distraught bride. But actually she was plotting to get rid of Geri. If I had to guess, it was because she did not want anyone to know they were related. Perhaps because of Geri's companion. She trotted Jimmy G off to count chairs in the reception space.
But I was on to her schemes and I also could smell the reception dinner as it was being warmed up in the adjoining dining room: roast beef, one of my favorites. No way I was going to let Cheryl get between me and roast beef.
Another thing I learned quickly, from scent, not words, is that the bride was furious. Very furious. And it had something to do with another female. Could it be that she was going to attack Geri? I must be on my guard.
Chapter 14
Cheryl pointed Jimmy G in the direction of the reception hall and grabbed me by the arm, dragging me over to a little room off the lobby. A gaggle of young women wearing sparkly tiaras and short hot-pink dresses even more hideous than Cheryl's were gathered outside the door. Some were crying. One of them was bent over, hyperventilating. The others were encouraging her to take deep breaths.
“It's OK, Tiffany. Just keep breathing!” they said.
“What's going on?” asked Cheryl.
“She threw us out of the room!” one of them said.
Cheryl beat on the door with her fist.
“Leave me alone!” shrieked a voice from inside the room. I shuddered when I heard it. It didn't even sound human.
“Geri is here to talk to you!” Cheryl said firmly.
“I don't want to talk to anyone!” shrieked the voice.
Pepe barked once, twice.
“What about a flower dog?” I said, bending over to pick him up.
The door opened an inch. I held up Pepe wearing his red carnation. He stuck out his long pink tongue and licked the nose which was just visible in the narrow crack. There was a weird giggle from inside the room, then the door opened just wide enough to admit me and Pepe, then slammed shut behind us.
Amber was not just having a meltdown. She was having a nervous breakdown. She was still wearing her wedding dressâa frothy concoction with a skirt composed of ruffles and pick-ups and pleats, and a bodice embellished with beads and sequins and crystals. But she had torn her wedding veil into little tiny pieces and now the bits of lace and netting were scattered all over the room. A champagne bottle sat in a silver cooler on the table.
“Want some champagne?” she asked me. I could tell by her voice that she had been drinking more than her share.
“Sure!”
“Drink up!” she said, hoisting the bottle to her lips and taking a hefty swig, before handing it to me. “Sorry no glasses!” She giggled and pointed to the wall. “I smashed them all!”
I was glad I was still holding Pepe. I did not want him to get any glass in his tender little paws. I set him down carefully on one of the chairs before taking the bottle away from her. It appeared to be empty.
“What's going on, Amber?” I asked.
“Want more bubbles!” she said, grabbing the bottle out of my hands. She frowned when she realized that it was empty.
“I think you've had enough,” I said primly, then realized I sounded just like my sister, Cheryl. I never wanted to sound like my sister, Cheryl. “Oh, hell,” I said. “Let's get some more!”
I stuck my head out the door. “We need another bottle of champagne in here,” I said.
“
Pronto
!” added Pepe.
“
Pronto
!” I repeated.
“He's got the right idea,” said Amber.
“What? You can hear him?”
“Of course! He said â
pronto
!' So cute the way he speaks in Spanish.” She kissed him on the top of his head.
Someone from outside handed in a bottle. “Can we come in now?” asked a girlish voice.
“No!” I said and slammed the door.
Amber wrestled the bottle away from me and had the cork out in a minute, aiming it at the door. “Take that, Jeff!” she said. “And just be glad this is a champagne bottle and not a pistol!”
She took another swig out of the bottle and the champagne poured down her chin and dribbled onto her dress.
“You're going to ruin your dress,” I said, trying to take the bottle away from her, but she wouldn't let go.
“Don't care!” she said. “Not getting married anyway.”
“You have to get married . . .” I started to say, thinking of the guests, the invitation, the money spent on caterers and florists and bakers and wedding dresses.
But then Pepe interrupted. “You don't have to get married,” he said.
Amber chuckled. “It's so cute, the way you pretend to be speaking for your dog,” she said. “Are you a ventriloquist?” Because she was drunk, it sounded more like ven-trill-o-quish.
“No, my dog really talks,” I said calmly. “Although I don't know why he's talking now. He hasn't been talking to me for weeks.”
“When the occasion arises, I rise to the occasion,” said Pepe.
“Ha, ha! That's what I like about you, Geri,” Amber said. Let it be known that Amber has never liked me. And she's made that clear on the few times we actually had to be in the same room together. “What I don't understand is why you ever married Jeff?” She said his name as if it was a dog turd.
“Yes, I wonder about that too,” said Pepe.
“I know,” said Amber, now forlorn. “He's such a jerk.”
“Absolutely.” I was happy to pile on. “He's a chauvinist. He thinks women should be seen but not heard.”
“He's a control freak. Everything has to be the way he wants it,” said Amber.
“He buys cheap shoes and passes them off as Italian imports.” That was Pepe who had actually peed on those shoes so he should know what he was talking about.
She picked up Pepe and put him on her lap, her tears falling on his head. As Pepe does in moments of great emotion, he licked her face. That made her cry even harder. Pepe is such a comfort to a crying woman. Unlike Jeff.
“So why are you marrying him?” I asked.
“I don't know!” she wailed. She looked up at me. “Do you think I should?”
I felt helpless. Cheryl had given me an assignment. I was supposed to coax Amber out of the room and down the aisle. But I felt sorry for her.
“If he treats you the way he treated me,” I said, “you'll be miserable. He'll cheat on you with the firstâ” I stopped, aware that Jeff had cheated on me with Amber.
“He already is cheating on me, she said. “With one of my bridesmaids. I caught him with Tiffany in the back of the limo, just a little while ago. He tried to tell me it was his last fling before he got tied down! He actually called me his ball and chain!” She picked up her bouquet, a tasteful arrangement of pink Stargazer lilies and white chrysanthemums, and threw it at the wall.
“That's despicable,” said Pepe. “What a
cabron
!”
“Why are you talking now?” I turned on him.
“You're right. I've known all along he was no good for me. I just let myself be carried away because everyone said he was such a great catch.” Amber was actually starting to make sense.
“A woman needs a man about as much as a fish needs a bicycle,” I said.
“Quick!” she said to me. “I've got get out of here. Trade dresses!”
“What?”
“Yes, give me your dress. I can't leave here in a wedding dress.” She picked up her cell phone. “Yes, I need a cab. At the Bellevue Country Club. I'll be wearing a black and white dress. Thanks!”
“Amberâ”
“Come on!” she said, reaching around to pull down the zipper on her wedding dress. In a minute she was down to her lacy bra and panties. She tore off the pale blue satin garter that held up her white stockings and tossed it into the melting ice in the champagne bucket. “This feels so good!” she said, prancing around the room in her underwear.
“But Amberâ”
“I'm walking out there, either dressed like this, or wearing your dress. I'd rather wear your dress,” she said. Her voice had a new confidence.
Reluctantly, I removed my dress, and just as reluctantly put on the abandoned wedding dress which was drenched with champagne. Meanwhile Amber slipped out the side door which led into the front office. I watched her through the windows as she got into a yellow cab and the car drove down the drive. What was I going to do? My sister was going to kill me!
And that's how I ended up walking down the aisle, preceded by my little flower dog, in Amber's wedding dress to the horror of all the assembled guests. But it was worth it for the look on Jeff's face.
Pepe's Blog: Wedding Fantasy
I am not a sentimental dog but I must say that Geri looked
magnifico
in that wedding dress. I even allowed myself to daydream for a moment about her walking down the aisle. I could picture Phoebe and Fuzzy and Siren Song as bridesmaids, wearing matching rhinestone collars, and I, of course, would be best dog, standing at the aisle, watching Geri with pride. But who would be standing next to me? Ay, there's the rub! For no man is good enough for my Geri.
Certainly not that idiot Jeff who was gaping at her as I trotted down the aisle and the Wedding March played in the background. At least he had the good sense to declare that the roast beef would not go to waste.
Â
Tip
⢠A detective needs to be well-fortified for the rigors of the job. Whenever roast beef is available, one should take advantage.
Chapter 15
It would have been funny if it hadn't been so embarrassing. As I marched down the aisle, the organist started playing the wedding march, not realizing that I wasn't the bride. Pepe trotted ahead of me. A rustle ran through the assembled guests.
“That's not Amber,” said a young woman to my right, seated in the section reserved for the bride's family.
“That's a dog!” somebody on the groom's side of the room exclaimed.
Meanwhile, the bridesmaids rushed in behind me, all flustered because nobody had told them the “bride” was about to enter. One of them grabbed the train of my wedding dress and followed along as I moved closer to the altar. The rest scrambled past me to take up their positions in front.
“What's going on?” said Cheryl, who was standing at the front of the quickly assembled line of bridesmaids. “Why are you wearing Amber's wedding dress?”
Jeff stepped forward. “Where's Amber?” he asked.
“It's a long story,” I told him. “But the short version is she's gone. She doesn't want to marry you.” I can't tell you how much satisfaction it gave me to say that to him. If only I had been so smart when I was getting married to him.
“What?” Jeff's eyes went wide with disbelief (evidently because he was the one who always did the leaving, like with me, and it was a shock to find himself left). “Why?”
“I would have to guess it had something to do with her catching you boffing Tiffany in the limousine,” I said.
“Oh my God!” gasped one of the bridesmaids. She was a stunning redhead whose low cut neckline displayed a lot of cleavage. She staggered a little and one of the other bridesmaids had to reach out to steady her.
“You cheated on my daughter?” said an older gentleman in the front row, with his arm around a gorgeous blonde. Must be Amber's dad. And Jeff's boss. “And I was going to make you a partner in the firm as a wedding present.”
“Sir, I can explain . . .” said Jeff, looking over at the bridesmaid who had turned a bright pink.
“You can forget it,” said the older man. “You're fired!”
The assembled crowd was silent. They could hear every word we said. The acoustics were fantastic. And, if I wasn't mistaken, the videographer was catching the whole thing on tape.
The minister seemed to be confused. “Are we ready to begin?” he asked.
“No,” I said. “No one's getting married today.”
“We could get married again,” Jeff suggested. I heard one of the bridesmaids gasp. Pepe gave a short, angry bark. “What about it, Geri?”
I couldn't tell if he was joking or not but there was no way I was going to say
yes
. I tossed the bouquet to the buxom bridesmaid who I suspected was Tiffany. She caught it, then turned a bright pink, almost the same color as her dress. “Find someone else foolish enough to marry you. I won't make that mistake twice.”
Â
Â
Jeff had the good sense to realize that the best way to salvage the situation was to invite everyone to enjoy the appetizers and cocktails being served next door.
“Well, folks, guess I won't be putting on the old ball and chain today after all,” he announced. “I'm still a free man!” he added, full of bravado. “And we've already paid for the food and drinks. So let's celebrate!”
After a few minutes of confusion, everyone filed out of the ceremony space and into the lobby of the building where black-clad servers were passing trays of salmon puffs and teriyaki chicken strips.
Amber's signature cocktail, of course, was a Cosmo, and I helped myself to one at the bar. If I spilled a little on the wedding dress, well, it didn't matter. Amber probably wasn't going to use it.
The guests buzzed around me, talking in little knots and casting suspicious glances my way, but no one dared to approach me except Cheryl, “What did you do to Amber?” she asked.
“I didn't do anything,” I said.
“You were supposed to convince her to marry him,” she said.
“I tried,” I replied. “But we decided she was a fish and she didn't need a bicycle.”
“Are you drunk, Geri?” Cheryl asked, sniffing me suspiciously, just as she used to do when I was in high school and she was my guardian.
“Not yet, but I intend to get there,” I said, tossing down my Cosmo. I set the empty glass on a nearby table.
Jeff had disappeared along with most of the bridal party. Amber's parents were missing as well. My niece and nephew, Danielle and D.J., were running around the room, trying to catch Pepe, who looked terrified (he's afraid of childrenâclaims they're worse than cats). Danielle wore a dusty pink dress, the same color as the bridesmaids', but hers was floor length and had a big satin bow in back. D.J. was attired in a pink tuxâpoor boy. He was still carrying the pillow he was supposed to present to the groom at the time of the exchange of the rings. He kept throwing it at Pepe.
I rushed over and rescued my dog.
“
Gracias
!” panted Pepe as I patted his back. I laid him against my shoulder with his little head resting on my collarbone. I could feel his heart beating rapidly.
“Did you speak?” I asked him.
“Congratulations!” It was HIMBA strolling up to me, smelling like cigar smoke. “Jimmy G didn't realize you were the one getting married today.”
“I didn't get married,” I snapped. “Did you miss the whole wedding debacle?”
Jimmy G looked embarrassed. “Jimmy G was out in the parking lot having a little nip. They don't carry Old Grandad at this fancy bar.” He waved his hand at the flashy country club bar, all silver and black leather and mirrors.
“So you missed all the drama,” I said.
“Plenty of drama in the parking lot,” he said.
“Really? What?”
“Hit and run.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. The police are out there now.”
“When did this happen?”
“Just about the same time the cab came by to pick up the young woman in the black and white dress. Thought it was you for a minute.”
“This is what I was trying to tell you, Geri,” said Pepe, “but those children had me on the run.”
“So what happened?” I asked again. “And why are you talking now?”
“Because you asked Jimmy G what happened,” said Jimmy G.
“Because Jimmy G already thinks you're crazy,” said Pepe.
“OK, so what happened?” I asked again.
“There was this big, black Suburban idling at the back of the lot. When the cab pulled up and the young woman got in it, the Suburban shot out of the parking spot, clipped another car coming around the corner, and took off. Almost seemed like he was trying to follow the cab.”
“Why would he do that?”
“Don't ask Jimmy G.”
“You said âhim.' Did you see who was driving it?”
“No. It had those tinted windows all the way around. Jimmy G couldn't make out the driver.”
Suddenly I got it.
“Kidnappers!” said Pepe.
“They were after Amber!” I said. “Or, actually, they were after me. They thought Amber was me because she was wearing my dress. Oh my God! Amber's in danger!”