The Riches of Mercy (27 page)

Meredith yawned. She rubbed Natalie's wrist, feeling bones, tracing curves, enjoying the weight of Natalie's arm and how it secured her, anchored her to Natalie.

"So, what's your favorite color?" Natalie asked.

Meredith laughed. She turned toward Natalie to remind herself of the color of Natalie's eyes and make her choice from there.

The phone rang.

#

Meredith sat at the defense table. Samson sat next to her, his hand over hers.

Natalie was behind them, leaning over the barrier. Meredith's in-laws crowded the other side of the courtroom, a flock of angry people, staring at Meredith, not at the judge. The courtroom was filled with locals--Meredith's co-workers, curiosity seekers, senior citizens, the unemployed and reporters from all over the state. Two men in uniform stood in the back.

The judge took the paper from bailiff and then nodded at Samson.

Samson rose and Meredith stood beside him. The room went quiet.

The judge read, "We, the jury, find the defendant guilty--"

The blood rushed from Natalie's face. Not the comforting sound of "Not guilty," the first word breaking the dam, letting everyone tune out the rest.

Guilty. Intractable no matter what followed.

Meredith gasped.

"--of voluntary manslaughter. Thank you, jury. Sentencing will be carried out--" The judge studied his calendar. "Monday at 11 o'clock. Defendant released on her own recognizance until then. Those wishing to make a victim impact statement should file with the clerk. Court dismissed."

Meredith sank back down into her chair.

Natalie touched her shoulder, but directed her attention to Samson. "Thanks a lot, asshole."

Samson ignored her and squeezed Meredith's hand. "It'll be all right, Merry."

Meredith took a deep breath and released it as a sob. She didn't look up as the courtroom emptied.

Natalie stroked her hair. "I'll take you home."

"The kids--"

"We'll handle the paperwork."

"They'll fight you. They'll win."

"Probably. Don't think about it right now."

Meredith nodded. Samson helped her to her feet and held the gate open. Natalie pulled Meredith into her arms and held her, helpless to stop the sobs, only able to buffer them with her body and hold Meredith up.

#

The press waited just outside the courthouse. Meredith held Natalie's elbow, despite Natalie's limp, despite the fact that if Meredith leaned on Natalie too hard, Natalie might collapse.

"Ms. Jameison, do you have a statement?"

"Ms. Jameison, are you going to appeal?"

"Merry, do you think justice was served, when a family has lost their son?"

"What are you going to tell your children?"

Meredith was wan as Natalie pushed through the crowd toward the waiting car.

Samson waved at the press, trying to get their attention turned toward him. "I'll make a brief statement."

People took pictures and followed Natalie and Meredith until they were in the backseat of the car.

"We will not be appealing. We've stated all along Ms. Jameison has taken responsibility for her actions. We will focus our efforts on sentencing…" Samson began.

#

Meredith went into her bedroom.

Natalie talked to the babysitter. She didn't tell Merritt or Beau about the conviction, she just fed them dinner and played with them and helped them feed the cat. She took dinner to Meredith, who sat, tear-stained and pale and unfocused in bed, while the boys washed up. Then Natalie read the boys stories and stayed with them until she was sure they would sleep and not interrupt her later.

She crept into Meredith's bedroom. Her chest constricted.

Meredith sat in the same position, hugging her knees. She'd at least attempted to eat, though. The plate had lost a third of its food.

Natalie sat on the bed. She took Meredith's hands.

Meredith trembled. "I'm a murderer."

"You're not a murderer."

Meredith's voice was thick with tears. "I expected absolution. I don't know. I thought this would all go away."

Natalie squeezed her fingers.

Meredith swallowed. "What's going to happen next?"

"We can worry about--"

"No, tell me. In legal terms. What do I do?"

"We'll hope for lenient sentencing, and we'll file for a temporary guardianship if you want the same day. Grandparents don't have many legal rights in North Carolina."

"I know. But you do?"

"If we'd been together longer..." Natalie lowered her head.

Meredith leaned forward, pressing her forehead to Natalie's shoulder. Natalie let go of her hands and moved closer, embracing her instead.

"It's going to be okay," Natalie said.

"I'm going to be punished for this forever."

"I know. But I'm not going anywhere. And neither are your children."

Meredith turned her head, tucking against Natalie's neck. "I feel awful. Dirty. I..."

"What?"

"I don't want you to touch me. It disgusts me. I want to curl up in a ball and have you far away, where it's safe. I'm toxic."

"Merry," Natalie cupped Meredith's cheek and tilted her face up.

"Don't."

Natalie kissed her anyway, the warm lips she kissed so many times before pliant to her touch, unresisting as she brushed across them, as she stroked Meredith's jaw. Only when Meredith closed her eyes did Natalie hold her close and let her cry.

#

Meredith glanced at no one as her father-in-law took the stand. He spoke about Vincent, but he was not describing the boy she had loved, the boy whose secrets had been hers, not his father's. She tried not to hate him, but the terror inside her needed focus. Natalie sat on her left side, Samson on her right. The courtroom was as full as it had been at the verdict.

Someone sketched a picture of her children's grandfather, crying on the stand. Then the judge spoke. Samson squeezed her hand and she gazed up, and met the judge's eyes, and tried to be open to a future decided by others.

"With mitigating circumstances and your status as a first time offender, the sentence imposed is three years in prison."

Meredith held her breath. Her ears pounded. Her vision swam and she thought she might go blind.

"Taking into account time already served, I sentence you to a minimum of six months and a maximum of two years at Conrad Correctional Center for Women."

Natalie's hand settled onto her shoulder.

"Guardian ad litem will continue under the previous agreement, and temporary guardianship of Merritt and Beau Jameison will remain at the Jameison residence and pass to Natalie Ivans, am I correct?"

Meredith swallowed and nodded.

Vincent's father stood. "We object."

"You've filed your objection here and while I'm not a family court judge, I suspect you have a case. Supervised visitation will continue under the previous agreement while that proceeds. Is Natalie Ivans here?"

"Here, Your Honor," Natalie said, standing up.

"I understand the boys will be staying at their current residence and entering kindergarten on schedule in the fall?"

Meredith bit back a choked sound.

"Yes, Your Honor," Natalie said.

"And you will respect the visitation schedule and guidelines put forth by the county-appointed guardian?"

"Yes, Your Honor."

"Your occupation, Ms. Ivans?"

"I'm an attorney, Your Honor."

The judge rolled his eyes. "And your relationship to Meredith Jameison? I assume this domestic partnership filing from Raleigh indicates other contractual commitments as well?"

"Yes, Your Honor."

The judge nodded and wrote something on his form. "Ms. Jameison, you have three days to get your affairs in order before presenting yourself at this court house for transportation to Rocky Mount. Court is adjourned."

Meredith buried her face in her hands.

"I'll file for a commuted sentence with the governor," Samson said.

Natalie nodded.

"And I'll talk to the press. Why don't you two go out the back way?"

"Thank you, Samson."

Meredith took a deep breath. She uncoiled herself long enough to hug Samson and then stood, reaching for Natalie's hand.

#

Natalie and Meredith settled onto a bench at Clement Park, where they could watch Merritt and Beau on the playground. Other parents were there, and those who didn't recognize Meredith were quickly informed by those who did, so Natalie and Meredith sat alone, isolated but unmolested.

"We should have gone up to Rose Hill," Natalie said.

"I don't want to leave home. Not until I have to. Three days."

"I'll bring the kids up every week. It'll pass by before you know it."

"I don't know. When I get out, will I be better, then? Will those women over there stop looking at me like that? Will I be able to enjoy a day like this without wanting to throw up?"

Natalie wrapped an arm around Meredith's shoulders. She gazed past the playground at the tree line. The sky was a pale blue with white clouds. There was just enough heat to feel warm. Perfect weather for running. But she couldn't run anymore.

Meredith took a deep breath. "I should pray."

Natalie squeezed her.

"I can't."

"We'll pray together."

Meredith settled her hand onto Natalie's leg, but didn't speak.

"Merry?"

"I just can't. Will you?"

"Sure. God likes your voice better, though."

Meredith grinned, but her eyes were squeezed shut.

Natalie kissed Meredith's hair. "Let me convey your sentiments."

Meredith nodded.

"And His," Natalie said.

Meredith's grip tightened.

Natalie turned, so she was whispering close to Meredith's ear. "This is what I remember saying over and over as a child. I never knew it in Russian, but that probably doesn't matter. God speaks English, right?"

"I sure hope so," Meredith said.

"Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy Name; Thy Kingdom come; Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."

Meredith breathed in and out with slow, measured breaths.

"Stop me if you know this one."

Meredith shook her head.

"Give us this day our daily bread." Natalie hesitated.

Meredith shifted, turning to face her on the bench.

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

"You have someone in mind?" Meredith asked.

"And lead us not into temptation."

"But deliver us from evil." Meredith mouthed the words along with Natalie.

Natalie cupped Meredith's cheek. "They're all staring at us, you know."

"I know. I don't blame them. I would be staring, too."

Natalie shifted, tucking herself against Meredith's side.

"I want to just cry and cry until I fall apart, until I disintegrate right here in the park, in the sunlight."

Natalie nodded.

"But I want to stay here with you. Is that selfish?"

Natalie shrugged, with Meredith's hair brushing her cheek and Meredith's warmth radiating up her side. "No, I think the other way is selfish. The people who love you don't want you to go away. You have to stay with us. Even if it hurts."

"It does." Meredith tilted her chin. "You have no idea how much."

Natalie knew she couldn't really conceive of Meredith's pain. Her own agony at the impending separation seemed like a wispy, tangential ache. She didn't know how she was going to take care of four-year-olds and make American cheese sandwiches or find money to support them or get to Rocky Mount or deal with the neighbors or supervise non-custodial visits without punching anyone in the face.

She couldn't even bear the thought of going to sleep alone next week. The week after that, and the week after that, might wear her down, might make her give up.

"I love you," she said.

Meredith put her head on Natalie's shoulder. "I know you don't think it's enough, not with everything else, but that's what's going to get us through. It's the only thing."

Natalie reached for Meredith's hand, tangling their fingers.

"I love you, too."

The words made Natalie feel lighter. Merritt waved at them before he threw himself down the slide. She felt something like rejoice in her chest, watching him. "Maybe you're right."

Meredith lifted their linked hands and kissed Natalie's fingers. "Sometimes I am."

"I think everything might actually turn out to be easy."

# #

Chapter Thirty-One

Four Months Later

"I want to stay," Beau said, crying.

Natalie ignored him. His crying turned to kicks and piercing shrieks hurting her ears and making her hands tremble as she tried to buckle him into the booster seat.

"Beau--"

"Why do we have to go back? You're horrible."

Merritt sat calmly in the other booster seat, waiting to be strapped in. Tears streamed down his face as he peered through the car window. His grandparents, Anthony and Irene, stood on the porch watching the display.

"Beau, you know why we have to go back." Natalie said.

She'd attempted this argument before. Reason, bribery, threats, nothing could match tearing a just-turned-five year old away from doting grandparents and toward a near-stranger. The supervised visits hadn’t been this bad, except for giving her heartburn. Natalie wasn’t enough. Not without Meredith. The kids needed family. Whatever family they had.

Anthony walked toward the car.

Merritt's face lit up.

"Let me help," Anthony said.

"It's fine." Natalie gave a final tug on Beau's strap.

He was still crying, but not screaming, more interested in what Anthony might do. Natalie walked around the car and opened the door. Anthony took a step back. Merritt submitted to the seatbelt, but kept his eyes on Anthony.

"Natalie," Anthony said.

Ms. Ivans, she wanted to correct him. Just to be petty.

"Is there anything you need?"

She needed money. She needed a job. She could do with a bag of groceries, or a kind smile. But she shook her head. No weakness he could put on a form to declare her unfit for custody. It would be so easy, and they were so willing. All four of them.