Read The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays Online
Authors: Tom Stoppard
| ( |
GUESTS | Our duties and the pledge! |
MACBETH | Avaunt, and quit my sight! |
LADY MACBETH | Think of this, good peers, |
MACBETH | Hence, horrible shadow! |
LADY MACBETH | ( |
ROSS | Good night; and better health |
LADY MACBETH | A kind good-night to all! |
MACBETH | It will have blood, they say; blood will have blood. |
WITCHES | Double, double, toil and trouble; |
1ST WITCH | By the pricking of my thumbs, |
MACBETH | How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags! |
WITCHES | A deed without a name. |
MACBETH | I conjure you, by that which you profess, |
1ST WITCH | Say if thou’dst rather hear it from our mouths |
MACBETH | Call ’em. Let me see ’em. |
1ST VOICE | Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth, beware Macduff! |
MACBETH | Whate’er thou art, for thy good caution, thanks; |
2ND VOICE | Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth! |
MACBETH | Had I three ears, I’d hear thee. |
2ND VOICE | Be bloody, bold, and resolute; laugh to scorn |
MACBETH | Then live Macduff; What need I fear of thee? |
CHILD’S VOICE | Be lion-mettled, proud, and take no care |
MACBETH | That will never be. |
WITCHES | ( |
MACBETH | Where are they? Gone! Let this pernicious hour |
LENNOX | What is your grace’s will. |
MACBETH | Saw you the weird sisters? |
LENNOX | No my lord. |
MACBETH | Who was’t come by? |
LENNOX | ’Tis two or three my lord, that bring you word |
MACBETH | Fled to England? |
EASY
: Useless … useless … Buxtons cake hops… artichoke almost Leamington Spa … [*Afternoon … afternoon … Buxtons blocks and that … lorry from Leamington Spa.]
‘MACBETH’
: What?
(
General light
,
OTHERS,
but not
MALCOLM
or
MACDUFF,
approach out of curiosity
, ‘
MACBETH
’
says to
HOSTESS
.)
Who the hell is this man?
HOSTESS
: (
TO
EASY
.) Who are you?
(
EASY
has his clipboard which he offers
.)
EASY:
Buxton cake hops.
HOSTESS:
Don’t sign anything.
EASY:
Blankets up middling if season stuck, after plug-holes
kettle-drummed lightly A412 mildly Rickmansworth—
clipped awful this water ice, zig-zaggled—splash quarterly
trainers as Micky Mouse snuffle—cup—evidently knick-knacks
quarantine only if bacteriologic waistcoats crumble
pipe—sniffle then postbox but shazam!!!! Even platforms—
dandy avuncular Donald Duck never-the-less minty
magazines! [*Translation—see page 20 ]
(
Pause
)
‘
MACBETH
’: Eh?
(
EASY
produces a phrase book and starts thumbing through it
.)
EASY:
(
Triumphantly
) Ah!
(
He passes the
HOSTESS
his phrase book, indicating what she
should read. She examines the page
.)
HOSTESS:
He says his postillion has been struck by lightning.
EASY:
Hat rack timble cuckoo pig exit dunce!
‘MACBETH’:
What?
EASY:
Dunce!
‘MACBETH’:
What?
EASY:
Cuckoo pig exit what.
(
Nodding agreeably
.) Cake hops properly Buxtons.
(
The
HOSTESS
flips through the book
.)
HOSTESS:
Cake hops.
EASY:
Cake hops.
HOSTESS:
Timber or wood.
EASY:
Timber or wood—properly Buxtons.
HOSTESS:
I’m so sorry about this …
EASY:
Right. Timber or wood—properly Buxtons. I’m so sorry
about this.
(
He opens shutters to reveal his lorry
.)
Ankle so artichoke—almost Leamington Spa.
LENNOX:
Oh. He’s got a lorry out there.
HOSTESS:
Lorry load of wood or timber.
EASY:
I’m so sorry about this.
HOSTESS:
Don’t apologize.
EASY:
Don’t apologize.
LENNOX
: Oh, you do speak the language!
EASY
: Oh, you do speak the language.
‘MACBETH’
: No—we speak the language!
EASY
: We speak the language.
LENNOX
: Cretin is he?
EASY
: Pan-stick-trog.
| ( |
MALCOLM | Let us seek out some desolate shade, and there |
MACDUFF | Let us rather |
MALCOLM | This tyrant, whose sole name blisters our tongues, |
MACDUFF | Bleed, bleed, poor country! |
MALCOLM | It weeps, it bleeds, and each new day a gash |
MACDUFF | O Scotland, Scotland! |
MALCOLM | My countryman; but yet I know him not. |
MACDUFF | Stands Scotland where it did? |
INSPECTOR
: Och aye, it’s a braw bricht moonlicht nicked, and so
are you, you haggis-headed dumbwits, hoots mon ye must
think I was born yesterday. (
He drops the accent: to the
audience
)—Stay where you are and nobody use the lavatory…
(
CAHOOT
enters
.)
Cahoots mon! Where’s McLandovsky got himself?
(
EASY
enters
,
HOSTESS
follows
.)
EASY
: Useless, git … [*Afternoon, sir …]
INSPECTOR
: Who are you, pig-face?
(
INSPECTOR
grabs him
.
EASY
yelps and looks at his watch
.)
EASY
: Poxy queen! [*Twenty past ouch.]
Marzipan clocks! [*Watch it!]
INSPECTOR
: What?
HOSTESS
: He doesn’t understand you.
INSPECTOR
: What’s that language he’s talking?
HOSTESS
: At the moment we’re not sure if it’s a language or a
clinical condition.
EASY
: (
Aggrieved
) Quinces carparks! (
Offering the clipboard
.)
Cake-hops—Buxton’s almost Leamington Spa.
HOSTESS
: He’s delivering wood and wants someone to sign for it.
EASY
: … wood and wants someone to sign for it.
INSPECTOR
: Wood?
HOSTESS
: He’s got a two-ton artichoke out there.
INSPECTOR
: What???
HOSTESS
: I mean a lorry.
(
CAHOOT
taps
EASY
on shoulder
.)