The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays (21 page)

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: L’Oeuf d’Or?

MCTEAZLE
: Were you with a woman?

FRENCH
: I was with the Dean of St. Paul’s.

MCTEAZLE
: Is she titian-haired?

CHAMBERLAIN
: Come off it McTeazle. (
Kindly to
FRENCH.)
French, can anyone corroborate your story?

FRENCH
: The Dean of St. Paul’s can.

CHAMBERLAIN
: Apart from her.

FRENCH
: We had Jumbo Chickenburgers Maryland with pickled eggs and a banana milkshake. The waitress will remember me.

CHAMBERLAIN
: Why?

FRENCH
: I was sick on her shoes.

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: Your story smacks of desperation. Even so you have done us the honour of volunteering your account, so let me reciprocate. I was at various times at Crockford’s, Claridges and the Golden Cock, Clock, the Old Clock in Golden Square, not the Coq d’Or.

CHAMBERLAIN
: I was at the Crock of Gold, Selfridges and the
Green Cockatoo.

MCTEAZLE
: I was at the Cockatoo, too, and the Charing Cross,
the Open Door, the Golden Ox and the Cuckoo Clock.

WITHENSHAW
: I was at the Cross Cook, the Fighting Cocks, the Green Door, the Crooked Grin and the Golden Carriages. (
What is happening is difficult to explain but probably quite easy to recognize: the four of them have instinctively joined in an obscuration, each for his own defence. By the time the
CHAIRMAN
speaks they have all begun to send
FRENCH
up
.)

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: I forgot—I was at the Golden Carriages as well as Claridges, and the Odd Sock and the Cocked Hat.

WITHENSHAW
: I didn’t see you at the Cocked Hat—I went on to the Cox and Box.

MCTEAZLE
: I was at the Cox and Box, and the Cooks Door, the Old Chest, the Dorchester, the Chesty Cook and—er—Luigi’s.

ALL
: Luigi’s?

MCTEAZLE
: At King’s Cross.

CHAMBERLAIN
: I was at King’s Cross; in the Cross Keys and the Coal Hole, the Golden Goose, the Coloured Coat and the Côte d’Azur.

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: I was at the Côte d’Azur——

WITHENSHAW: SO
was
I.

MRS. EBURY
: I was at the Coq d’Or.

CHAMBERLAIN
(
incautiously
): I was at the Coq d’Or too.
(
Short pause but everybody comes to his rescue
.)

MCTEAZLE
: So was I.

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: The Coq d’Or, oh yes, I was at the Coq d’Or.

WITHENSHAW
: I saw you there—I was there with a voluptuous young woman.

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: Good heavens, I hope you didn’t see me with mine.

CHAMBERLAIN
: Fantastic woman I took there—titian hair, green
eyes, dress cut down to here.

MCTEAZLE
: We held hands under the table—(
with a crude gesture
)
voluptuous, you’ve no idea.

WITHENSHAW
: Don’t talk to me about voluptuous—mine was titian like two Botticellis fighting their way out of a hammock.
(
During the above speech
FRENCH
is becoming increasingly agitated, and
MADDIE
increasingly angry. She gets out her copy of the
Sun
and opens it to the centre page spread
.)

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: Wonderful figure of a woman——

FRENCH
(
shouts):
One of you is telling the truth! Where’s the
Mail!
(
MADDIE
gets up and crosses to
FRENCH,
holding the
Sun.
MADDIE
slams the
Sun
down on the table in front of
FRENCH,
open at the centre page spread and stands back to await his reaction
.)

WITHENSHAW
: That’s the
Sun
.
(
FRENCH
does an enormous double-take at the pin-up
.)

FRENCH
(
shrieks
): Aagh!—it’s you!!

MADDIE
: Yes.
(
FRENCH
grabs
MADDIE
by the back of the blouse as she moves to go back to her desk; buttons pop and fly leaving
FRENCH
holding her blouse and
MADDIE
in her bra
.)

ALL
(
looking at
MADDIE)
: Strewth!
(
MADDIE
walks to her seat, taps her pencil on the desk
.)

MADDIE
(
reading):
Paragraph 6.

FRENCH
: Maddie Takes It Down!
’Madeleine Gotobed, twenty-one, is a model secretary in Whitehall where she says her ambition is to be Permanent Under Secretary. Meanwhile, titian-haired, green-eyed Maddie loves being taken out, but says the men tend to look down on a figure like hers—whenever they get the chance!’—disgusting—‘Matching bra and suspender belt, Fenwicks £5.35. French knickers, Janet Reger £8.95.’ (
To
MADDIE.)
You were in the Coq d’Or! (
The Division Bell goes off
.)

MADDIE
: I was in the Coq d’Or, the Golden Ox, Box Hill,
Claridges and Crockford’s——

WITHENSHAW
: Division bell, Mr. French.

MADDIE
:—and the Charing Cross, the Dorchester, the Green Cockatoo, Selfridges and the Salt Beef Bar in Rupert Street with Deborah and Douglas and Cockie and Jock.
(
MADDIE
has pointed to these four. Pause—
WITHENSHAW
looks relieved
.)
And with Malcolm in the Metropole——
(
The Committee’s next words are just rattled off underneath
MADDIE
’s
speech which continues without pause
.)

WITHENSHAW
: Move to adjourn.

COCKLEBURY-SMYTHE
: Second.

WITHENSHAW
: All in favour.

ALL
(
except
FRENCH)
: Aye.

WITHENSHAW
: Meeting adjourned for ten minutes.
(
The Committee hurriedly shuffle a few pieces of paper together, leaving all the newspapers behind, and arrange themselves to make their exits in a body, ignoring
MADDIE,
who chants on
.)

MADDIE
(
continuing until all but
FRENCH
have left
):… and in the Mandarin, the Mirabelle and the Star of Asia in the Goldhawk Road. I was with Freddie and Reggie and Algy
and Bongo and Arthur and Cyril and Tom and Ernest and Bob and the other Bob and Pongo at the Ritz and the Red Lion, the Lobster Pot and Simpson’s in the Strand—I was at the Poule au Pot and the Coq au Vin and the Côte d’Azur and Foo Luk Fok and the Grosvenor House and Luigi’s and Lacy’s and the Light of India with Johnny and Jackie and Jerry and Joseph and Jimmy, and in the Berkeley, Biancis, Blooms and Muldoons with Micky and Michael and Mike and Michelle—I was in the Connaught with William and in the Westbury with Corkie and in the Churchill with Chalky. I was at the Duke of York, the Duke of Clarence and the Old Duke and the King Charles and the Three Kings and the Kings Arms and the Army and Navy Salad Bar with Tony and Derek and Bertie and Plantagenet and Bingo.
(
During the above speech the Committee all exit through the wrong door, return and re-exit. The door closes, leaving only
FRENCH
with
MADDIE.)
(
Yells after them
.) And I wouldn’t have bothered if I’d known it was supposed to be a secret—who needs it? (
Normal voice
.) I sometimes wonder if it’s worthwhile trying to teach people, don’t you Mr. French?

FRENCH
: Miss Gotobed, this is going to teach them a lesson they’ll never forget.

MADDIE
: I hope so.

FRENCH
: I have to go and vote. Please be here in about ten minutes. (
He approaches her with the blouse still in hand
.)

MADDIE
: Excuse me … (
She takes the blouse
.) … Somebody’s coming.
(
At this moment a loud voice is heard approaching
.) Could you show me the ladies cloakroom.
(
She grabs the rest of her clothes and her handbag
.
FRENCH
takes her coat from the rack and puts it over her shoulders and opens the door
,
MADDIE
exits
,
FRENCH
follows. As soon as the door closes, the other opens and two men enter—but they are in another play
.)

Characters

ARTHUR
A very junior Home Office Official

BERNARD
A very senior Home Office Official

The House of Commons overspill meeting room in the tower of Big Ben, set as for
Dirty Linen.
A lot of newspapers and reports are lying around on the main committee table
.

(
ARTHUR
appears carrying a file of papers and shouts loudly into the door through which he enters, as though calling to someone at a distance
.)

ARTHUR
(
shouts
): Here’s an empty one!
(
BERNARD
enters immediately
.
ARTHUR
shouts at him at the same volume. Everything
ARTHUR
says has to be shouted, throughout
.)
It’s the only one. The Minister said up here—he’ll find us all right.
(
They approach the table and sit at it
.)

BERNARD
: Frightful mess.
(
ARTHUR
shuffling newspapers comes across something
.)

ARTHUR
: Strewth!!
(
An appallingly loud noise as Big Ben strikes four from just over their heads
.
ARTHUR
flinches
.
BERNARD
looks around vaguely. The last stroke finally dies away
.)

BERNARD
: What was that?

ARTHUR
: Four o’clock.
(
Considerable pause
.
BERNARD
takes out his wallet and an envelope containing a very old £5 note
.)

BERNARD
: I bet you have not seen one of these for a while. … It’s a fiver I once won off Lloyd George, you know.

ARTHUR
: Yes.

BERNARD
: It’s a good story. …

ARTHUR
: Very, very good.

BERNARD
: I was a green young man at the time, and he was …
whatdoyoucallit …?

ARTHUR:
Prime Minister.

BERNARD
: Prime Minister. Even so, I knew him quite well, or rather my father did.

ARTHUR
: Your father knew Lloyd George, yes.

BERNARD
: He’d come to our house in Queen Anne Place. You could hear Big Ben from there. That’s what reminded me.

ARTHUR
: Yes.
    This is the file on that applicant for British citizenship. What do you think? (
He moves to sit next to
BERNARD
so that he can speak loudly into his ear. He has a bulky file, including a photograph, to show
BERNARD
.)

BERNARD
: What?

ARTHUR
: These naturalization papers. We’re supposed to be advising the Minister.
(
BERNARD
examines the document at considerable length
.)

ARTHUR
: I’d like to have your opinion.
(
Finally
BERNARD
raps the document authoritatively
.)

BERNARD
: This is an application for British naturalization.