The Patrick Melrose Novels (81 page)

‘I hope this story has a happy ending,' said Amparo.

‘No!' said Thomas. ‘You don't interrupt me!' He sighed and began again. ‘And the ground opened up and California fell into the sea, which was not very convenient, as you can imagine. And there was a huge tidal wave, and Alabala said to his mummy, “We can surf to Australia!” And so they did, and Alabala was allowed to drive the car.' He searched the ceiling for inspiration and then added with all the naturalness of suddenly remembering. ‘When they arrived on the beach in Australia, Alan Razor was there giving a concert!'

‘Who is Alan Razor?' asked Amparo, completely lost.

‘He's a composer,' said Thomas. ‘He has helicopters and violins and trumpets and drills, and Alabala played in the concert.'

‘What did he play?'

‘Well, he played a hoover, actually.'

When Kettle returned from her lunch, she found Amparo clutching her sides, thinking she was helpless with laughter at the thought of a hoover being played at a concert, but in fact hysterical at having her idea of what children should be like disrupted by being with Thomas.

‘Oh, dear,' she panted, ‘he's really an amazing little boy.'

While the two women struggled not to look after him, Thomas was at last able to have some time to himself. He decided that he never wanted to be an adult. He didn't like the look of adults. Anyway, if he became an adult what would happen to his parents? They would become old, like Eleanor and Kettle.

The intercom buzzed and Thomas leapt to his feet.

‘I'll answer it!' he said.

‘It's too high up,' said Kettle.

‘But I want to!'

Kettle ignored him and pressed the intercom to let the others into the building. Thomas screamed in the background.

‘What was that screaming about?' asked Mary when she arrived in the flat.

‘Granny wouldn't let me press the button,' said Thomas.

‘It's not a child's toy,' said Kettle.

‘No, but he's a child playing,' said Mary. ‘Why not let him play with the intercom?'

Kettle thought of rising above her daughter's argumentative style, but decided against it.

‘I can't do anything right,' she said, ‘so we might as well assume I'm wrong – then there won't be any need to point it out. I've only just come in, so I'm afraid tea isn't ready. I rushed home from a lunch that I couldn't get out of.'

‘Yes,' laughed Mary. ‘We saw you gazing through the shop windows when we were trying to park the car. Don't worry, I won't ask you to help with the children again.'

‘I'll make the tea, if you like,' said Amparo, offering Kettle the opportunity to stay with her family.

‘It's all right,' snapped Kettle. ‘I'm still capable of making a pot of tea.'

‘Am I being childish?' said Thomas, approaching his father.

‘No,' said Patrick. ‘You're being a child. Only grownups can be childish, and my God, we take advantage of the fact.'

‘I see,' said Thomas, nodding wisely.

Robert was slumped in an armchair feeling despondent. He'd had enough of both his grandmothers to last him a lifetime.

Kettle tottered back in, laying the tray down with a groan of relief.

‘So, how was your mother?' she asked Patrick.

‘She only spoke two words,' he answered.

‘Did they make any sense?'

‘Perfect sense: “Do nothing.”'

‘You mean she doesn't want to … to go to Switzerland?' asked Kettle, emphasizing a code she knew the children were excluded from.

‘That's right,' said Patrick.

‘That's a bit of a muddle,' said Kettle.

Mary felt the effort she was putting into avoiding her favourite word: ‘disappointment'.

‘It's something we're all entitled to feel ambivalent about,' said Patrick. ‘Mary saw it all along. I suppose she was less invested in the results, or just clearer. Anyhow, I intend to take this last instruction very seriously indeed. I will do nothing.'

‘Do nothing!?' said Thomas. ‘I mean, how do you do nothing? Because if you
do
nothing, you do something!'

Patrick burst out laughing. He picked up Thomas and put him on his knee and kissed the top of his head.

‘I shan't be visiting her again,' said Patrick. ‘Not out of spite, but out of gratitude. She's made us a gift and it would be ungracious not to accept it.'

‘A gift?' said Kettle. ‘Aren't you reading rather too much into those two words.'

‘What else is there to do but read too much into things?' said Patrick breezily. ‘What a poor, thin, dull world we'd live in if we didn't. Besides, is it possible? There's always more meaning than we can lay our hands on.'

Kettle was transfixed by several kinds of indignation at once, but Thomas filled the silence by jumping off his father's knee and shouting, ‘Do nothing! Do nothing!' as he circled the table laden with cakes and tea.

 

Also by Edward St. Aubyn

On the Edge

A Clue to the Exit

At Last

 

THE PATRICK MELROSE NOVELS
. Copyright © 2012 by Edward St. Aubyn. All rights reserved. For information, address Picador, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

St. Aubyn, Edward, 1960–

    The Patrick Melrose novels : Never mind, Bad news, Some hope, and Mother's milk / Edward St. Aubyn.—1st ed.

           p. cm.

    ISBN 978-0-312-42996-6

 1.  Upper class families—England—Fiction.   2.  Drug addicts—Fiction.   3.  Gloucestershire (England)—Fiction.   4.  Domestic fiction.   I.  Title.

    PR6069.T134A6 2012

    823'.914—dc23

2011035061

Never Mind, Bad News,
and
Some Hope
originally published in Great Britain by William Heinemann

Mother's Milk
originally published in Great Britain by Picador, an imprint of Pan Macmillan Ltd

First Edition: February 2012

eISBN 978-1-4668-4029-4