The Minnesota Candidate (3 page)

“She must have gone home and called in the goon
squad. Look, don’t get the wrong idea, these people are part of my
family, but they’re the kind we usually keep in the closet. Do not
offer them anything, okay? We’ll never get rid of them.”

Shari put her hands on her hips and gave Tom a
stern look. “I will not be rude to your family, Tom. I’m surprised
you would even suggest it. I’ll order some pizzas and we’ll just
make the best of it. Don’t you see what’s happening? Your mother is
testing me. Well, I’m not about to let her beat me. Come on, let’s
go meet them.”

Tom wanted to scream, but he clamped his mouth
shut and managed a nod. Shari had no idea what they were getting
into. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he whispered.

“Come on, now,” she replied, innocently, “how
bad could they be?”

“You have no idea.”

Shari laughed at that. It would be the last time
she laughed that night.

Doris Picacello smiled as she watched the
newlyweds walking across the lawn. She had assembled her army, a
platoon of Picacello’s and a squadron of Calizzi’s, dipping all the
way to the bottom of the family well to find them. She counted
heads, they were twenty in number, and already they were wringing
their hands together at what they perceived to be their good
fortune. Doris laughed to herself. They could think whatever they
wanted to think. Besides, why shouldn’t her Tommy share some of his
new-found wealth with his less fortunate family members? There was
obviously plenty of it to go around.

Doris caught herself smiling, something she
rarely did. In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she had
been this happy. Unknowingly, Tom and his new wife had dropped her
back into her favorite element, a fight, and she wasn’t about to
let them out of the ring.

“Are you kidding me?” asked Crazy Steve Calizzi,
her nephew. He was as thin as a toothpick and smelled like a
brewery. “Fat Tommy owns both houses? He knows I live in my car,
doesn’t he?”

“You’ll have to remind him of that, Stevie,”
said Doris, giving him a wink. “My Tommy is a good boy. I’m sure
he’ll take care of you.”

“Fat Tommy’s new wife must be a Rockefeller,”
said Marie Picacello, Doris’ sister in-law, an overweight spinster
from way back. “I can’t believe this is happening to our
family.”

“Amen sister,” said Doris. “Imagine the parties
we’ll have out here.” A group of nearby Picacello’s and Calizzi’s
heard that and they began to whoop and cheer. Doris smiled at them,
triumphantly. She knew her Tommy; the boy had always been a giver.
This was going to be a serious test for him. He had a heart of
gold; at least he did have a heart of gold, thought Doris, until
that wretched woman had stolen it from him. Doris watched the pair
as they approached, still a hundred yards away, but closing. She
wondered what Shari would make of this group. She turned back to
face the cab drivers. “Here they come,” she said, pointing to the
newlyweds as they approached. “They’ll take care of you. And I’ll
be sure they give you all a nice tip.”

“This is just like Christmas,” said Shifty Sam
Calizzi, a sixty-something cousin of Doris’, whose nickname didn’t
even begin to scratch his tarnished surface. “I get out of the
joint and walk right into this. I can’t believe it, Doris, I just
can’t believe it. Maybe my luck has really changed?”

“Maybe it has,” agreed Doris. She stepped away
from him and waved at the couple as they drew nearer. She was so
excited. She looked around at the motley group and smiled, even
though she despised each and every one of them. Shifty Sam was a
big-time loser, but he had summed up her feelings, perfectly. Maybe
her luck had finally changed. Life had been so boring since Vince
had passed away. Without someone to bully, to belittle, life had
almost seemed pointless. And while she had had her moments with
Tommy, he was no Vince when it came to doing battle. His father had
known how to dish it out and she had eaten it up and spit it into
his face. She wondered if Shari might be able to fill those
considerable shoes. She certainly hoped so.

“Why aren’t the cabs leaving?” asked Shari.
“Maybe your family doesn’t plan on staying long. You see, it won’t
be that bad.”

Tom had been wondering the same thing, but when
he spotted his mother waiting up by the drivers, he began to
suspect the truth. “They’re waiting to be paid,” said Tom. “I’ll
bet you a million dollars.”

“We can pay them,” said Shari, not missing a
beat. “I’m sure they take plastic.”

“We’ll be paying them for a round trip. They’re
not staying. Look at these people; I wouldn’t trust half of them as
far as I could throw them. And the others, well, they should be
locked up in padded cells. I’m telling you, you’re about to meet
the bottom of my family barrel.”

“Will you please stop saying that? I’m a big
girl and capable of forming my own opinions. I want to accept your
family. I also want to be accepted into your family, Tom. That’s
very important to me.”

“Fine,” grunted Tom, “get ready to jump into a
pool of leaches. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Stop saying that.”

They were among the vultures now and Tom could
feel them sizing them up. “Tommy,” called his mother from the cab
drivers, “we need you up here!”

“She needs my credit card,” whispered Tom.

Shari gave him a nudge with her elbow as they
continued walking. She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen
so much leather. She smiled and nodded to the crowd as they parted,
allowing them access to the business at hand.

Doris beamed at the sight of Tom and Shari. When
they were five feet away, she charged over to them and gave each a
warm hug. “I felt so terrible after I left,” she said. “I’m so
sorry for the way I acted. I hope you’ll both forgive me. I promise
to forgive you for the shabby way you treated me and we’ll be even,
okay? Now Tommy, would you mind paying the drivers? I forgot my
money at home and after all, this is your party.”

Shari held up her little purse to Tom. “I’ll
take care of it, honey,” she said. “I’ll be right back.”

That wasn’t exactly true. It took Shari nearly
fifteen minutes to settle up with the eight cab drivers. This gave
Tom a few minutes alone with his mother, time he desperately
needed. He led her up to the front steps of the main house, which
was now covered in shadows as twilight fell upon them. “What are
you up to?” he hissed.

Doris smiled. “What do you mean?” she asked. “I
was excited to tell everyone your big news. What, was I supposed to
keep it a secret? You never asked me to do that.”

“You know exactly what I mean. You wouldn’t let
these people within a hundred yards of your house. Don’t play
innocent with me, Ma. I know what you’re up to.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I
made some phone calls and this is who showed up. I can’t help it if
the other members of our family felt as slighted as I did. You
brought that on. Now, don’t you dare embarrass me, I want to
introduce your lovely wife to our family.”

Tom shot a look down to the milling mongrels and
spotted a small group down by on the dock. “Stay out of the boat!”
he shouted. “Ma, you had better help us keep an eye on these
people. Shari has antiques in the house.”

“How come you were down at the tiny house?
What’s wrong with this one?”

“This was her parent’s house. She keeps it
locked up. The other house is really nice,” Tom turned back to the
group on the dock. “Johnny, get out of the boat!” he shouted.

“You didn’t answer my question, Tommy.” What’s
wrong with this house?”

Tom balled his hands into fists. “Ma, there’s
nothing wrong with this house. Shari doesn’t use it, that’s all.
What difference does it make?”

“I’ve always wanted to live on a lake, Tommy.
You know that.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. You never said
that, at least not to me.”

Doris smacked her lips together and smiled.
“Actually,” she said, “I didn’t realize it myself until this
afternoon. The fresh air, beautiful sunsets, water lapping at the
dock. Oh, I could get used to this.”

Shari walked up to join them as the last cab
drove away. She gave Tom an odd look, obviously having heard the
last part of their conversation. Tom dropped his eyes, praying the
conversation would be steered in another direction. He got his
wish. “Next time, charter a bus,” said Shari.

“Good idea,” agreed Doris. “I’ll remember
that.”

Tom’s cousin, Larry Calizzi, known inside the
family as Lumpy, approached with his two preschool aged boys. Tom
couldn’t remember their names, but he was grateful for the
interruption. Larry walked up to Shari and introduced myself.
“Welcome to the family,” he said, grinning like a used car
salesman. “I’m Lumpy, I suppose Fat Tommy has told you all about
me. Don’t believe a word of it, that’s all I’m sayin’. These are my
boys, Pete and Bobby. Boys, say hello to Fat Tommy’s new wife.”

The younger boy stuck out his hand and Shari
warmly accepted it. “I’m Bobby,” he said, smiling shyly. “I’m happy
to meet you.”

“Oh, isn’t that sweet?” asked Shari. She then
turned to the other boy. “And you must be Pete.”

“Daddy says you talk like Popeye,” said the
little boy. “Why do you do that?”

Shari stood up and turned her back on the boys.
Tom pointed at Lumpy and hooked his thumb high into the air. Lumpy
gave Tom an apologetic look and quickly ushered his boys away.
“What a terrible thing to say,” said Doris, crossing her arms
across her bosom. “I’m sorry, dear.”

Shari turned around and Tom was happy to see
that she wasn’t crying. “Don’t worry about it,” she said, “I’m used
to people saying things like that.”

Tom watched in fury as Lumpy gave Crazy Steve
his Popeye imitation. Both men laughed as if it was the funniest
thing since the rubber chicken, unaware that Tom was watching them.
There was a humming sound from the water and Tom began sprinting to
the dock. Someone had started the Chris-Craft.

Somehow, they made it through the evening. Shari
ordered ten large pizzas from Domino’s and set out two cases of her
favorite Moscato, while Tom kept a close eye on what he considered
to be the worst of the lot. They drank and ate and shared stories.
Many of these stories were highly embarrassing to Tom. At midnight,
despite several protests from the party animal segment of the
family, Tom called Yellow Cab and ordered another fleet of taxis.
By 1:00 Monday morning, Tom and Shari were snug in their bed.

They talked for nearly another hour. Shari
surprised Tom by telling him how much she enjoyed their night. She
confessed that she thought his family was full of warm, colorful
characters; the kind of big extended family that she had always
dreamed of belonging to. The only thing she hadn’t liked was the
way everyone had called him Fat Tommy. Tom responded by telling her
that she didn’t know that group like he did, but she seemed unfazed
by the warning. Secretly, Tom had been impressed by how well the
night had gone. There were no fist fights and as far as they could
tell, nothing was missing. He was still angry with his mom. She had
known exactly what she was doing, even if her scheme had seemingly
failed.

Back home in Northeast Minneapolis, Doris
Picacello fell asleep to her favorite Dean Martin album. She smiled
even as she snored, content in the knowledge that she had planted
plenty of bad seeds in Tommy’s new life.

Chapter 3

Early the following morning, Tom and Shari were
up, showered, and out of the house. Shari surprised Tom with yet
another secret, this one being a Mercedes Benz M-Class ML350. “You
can have it,” she said. “I never drive it and it’s a four wheel
drive, so I know you’ll be safe when it snows.”

Again, Tom was at a loss for words. He had never
owned an SUV; in fact, he had never owned a vehicle that had been
produced in this century. “Thank you,” he said, feeling tremendous
gratitude, but also feeling like kind of a schlep. He wasn’t used
to any of this, not the house or the gifts, not the way of life,
and he wanted Shari to know that she was what was important, not
her money. He constantly reminded her of that, even as they spent
the day upgrading his wardrobe. The shopping spree was unlike any
that Tom had ever experienced. Instead of buying one item at a
time, Shari bought them by the dozen. Finally, Tom put up his hands
and told her that he had had enough.

“Look,” Shari said, “I know this is a little
overwhelming right now, but just be a good sport and play along,
alright? I want you to have nice things. You deserve them and so
much more... I want to make you the happiest man on earth.”

“I know you do, but I don’t want you to ever
feel like I’m taking advantage of your generosity. I was already
the happiest man in the world when we left Vegas. You’ve spent a
lot of money, baby. I think we should call it a day.”

Shari laughed at that. “Tom, do you want to know
what our net worth is?”

Tom shook his head and shrugged. “I keep telling
you that money isn’t important,” he said, but curious at the same
time. He was behind the wheel of the Mercedes, fighting the mid-day
traffic on 394. When Shari shared her latest secret, Tom nearly
drove off the road. His heart slammed inside his chest and his face
flushed.

“Careful there, cowboy,” said Shari, giggling.
“I was going to drop that on you after we got back home. So, you
see, we can afford to do anything we want.”

“I don’t understand. Why do you keep working? I
think I’d retire if I had that kind of money.”

“And you don’t have to work, that’s what I’m
telling you. I work because I love my job. I’m also damn good at
what I do. Look baby, the world is our oyster. We’re going to sit
down tonight and pay off all your debts, especially that student
loan. By tomorrow morning, you won’t owe anyone a dime. How does
that sound?”