Authors: Emma Hart
Pushing my thoughts of Braden to the back of my mind, I pull my suitcase down the stairs. It's been a strange few days at home, rife with emotion and thinking. And the worst is yet to come, because I still haven't admitted to Dad why I came home so quickly. I know he's about to find out.
“Well, you have a safe trip back home, Maddie,” Dad says and hugs me tightly.
“I'm home right now, Dad. I'm just going back to school,” I reply and extricate myself from his arms.
“Oh, no, honey. Wherever your heart is, that's where your home is. I think you left your heart in California. University of California, Berkeley, to be exact.”
I narrow my eyes and look at him. “What?”
“It doesn't take a genius to work out you fell in love and ran, Maddie. Your Mom did the same thing when we were younger. But you know what, Mads? You have to fight for love, because it doesn't come easily, not the real thing, anyway. I don't know who this guy is, or what's happened, but running won't make it better, baby.” He touches his fingers to my chin and lifts my face slightly. “Truth of life is that no matter what it is – loss, heartbreak, happiness, love – those emotions are so damn strong they'll follow you no matter where you go. You could go to the ends of the Earth and love would still follow you there. It's not a place or a memory, oh no. Love is something inside you, something that only you can feel, because your love is yours. You'll never leave it behind. You could go cross-country, cross oceans or travel to the moon and that love? It'll still be there, tucked away in a dark corner of your heart just waiting for you to acknowledge it.”
A horn beeps outside.
“Don't you run from it, Maddie, because runnin' never did anyone any good. I may not know much anymore, but I'll always know love. Your mom taught me that, and she taught you it too.” His eyes glisten with tears and I know he's looking at me and seeing her. “She left you her spirit, baby, in all those memories and in that love, she left you it. She'd tell you to go and run into love with your arms wide open. Whoever this guy is, he's a damn lucky guy to have you in love with him, so you make sure he knows it.” He kisses my forehead. “Go on with you, now. Your ride is outside. Let me know when you get there.”
I nod, my throat filled with a lump of emotion. Mom, Braden, and love all in one sentence is too much to swallow. Literally.
I hug Dad one last time and kiss his cheek before wheeling my suitcase away from the house I've loved my whole life. I pop the trunk of the cab and lift it in, eventually moving to the back seat. I look out the window and wave to Dad as we pull away.
Away from one home, ready for another.
~
There's a serious damn temperature difference between Brooklyn and California, and I've never been happier to change into some shorts and a tank when I finally get back to my dorm room. I tie my hair on top of my head in a messy bun and decide to head down to the laundry room tomorrow. The time difference will mess with me today.
Honestly, I just want to nap right now.
The door opens, and Lila flies across the room, pushing me back onto the bed. She squeezes me tightly, babbling about how good it is to have me back and she's so glad I'm okay and she's so sorry she started this all in the first place.
No nap for me then.
I pat her back. “Lila? Lila, you're squashing me.”
“Oh my god! I'm sorry! I didn't think!” She scrambles off me and bounces on the bed, sitting next to me. I pull myself up. “When did you get back?”
“Er, to Cali or back in this room?”
“Here here.”
“About five minutes ago.”
“And I totally just ambushed you! Oh, gosh.” She shakes her head at herself. “I just wanted to see you before anyone else. I want to apologize for, you know
...”
“
Its okay, Lila.”
“No, no it's not, okay? It's absolutely not okay. You should know I absolutely kicked Ryan's ass for that shitty stunt they pulled. It's not cool, at all.”
“We did the same thing, Lila. That's why I went away. We didn't really do anything different at all.” I smile sadly.
“Well.” She pauses. “I guess, but I'm still sorry you found out that way.” She purses her lips.
“It's okay. I'm over it.”
“Are you?” She raises her eyebrows.
“Eh. No.” I shake my head. “But I can always pretend, right?”
“Then pretend and come party tomorrow night.”
“Honestly, Lila, let her get through the door!” Megan exclaims and kicks the door shut. I didn't know it was open.
I look up at my blonde friend. “Hey, Megs.”
“I'm so glad you're back.” She hugs me tightly, and I return the gesture. “But don't you dare run away like that again, do you hear me, Maddie Stevens? Don't you freakin' run from me that way! We crapped our pants, actually
crapped our pants
! I thought you'd been picked by a serial killer or something!”
“The only serial killer I came across was my Dad. He's been known to bash a box or two of cppornflakes in the past.” I grin and she looks at me, hiding her own grin.
“Gah! I'm just glad you're back. Did Lila tell you there's a party tomorrow night?” She sits on Kay's bed.
“Ah
... Yeah. I don't think I'm going.” I chew my lip. “I don't think I'm ready to.”
“It's been two weeks. You have to see him at some point,” Lila says softly. “I know you don't want to-”
“You're right, Lila. I don't want to see him. I'm not going. Not yet. I still need some time. I need time to process everything that happened in Brooklyn. At least let me have that.”
“Fine,” she huffs. “But you have to start going back to your English classes. You can't keep skipping because of him.”
I finger a loose thread on my shirt. “I'll go back to English.”
My eyes traveled around the frat house a million times on Saturday night, yet I didn't see her at all. She's here, but she wasn't there. But she's here – in California.
My Maddie is back in California.
And it's taking every ounce of self-restraint I have not to run over to her dorm block like my ass is on fuckin' fire. Because, like Megan said, I'd probably end up pinning her to a wall – and that's never good.
My leg shakes as I sit in English class, and my eyes are traveling the room again. I can't help it. She didn't show before she left. I want her to now. I need to see her.
The door opens, and Aston walks through. He crosses the room and sits next to me. “She's coming.”
I nod once and fix my eyes on the door. If she's coming, then she'll be here-
Now.
She's here. Megan's arm is linked through hers, but Maddie is smiling. It's a weak smile, and I hate myself for that. My hands tighten their grip on the edge of the desk, and I clench my teeth together. Aston kicks me.
Maddie's hair falls down and blocks her face from my view as she sits, not making eye contact with me. In fact, she didn't look anywhere close to me. I can't pretend that shit doesn't hurt, 'cause it damn well does.
I watch her all lesson instead of paying attention. How am I supposed to concentrate on anything but her? All there is, is Maddie. All there is, is everything that could have, would have,
and should have been.
When class ends, I push my way through towards her table, catching them as they leave. Aston shakes his head, but I don't care. I have to talk to her.
“Meggy.” I nod at her and look at the person I'm really there for. “Maddie.”
She looks straight ahead, clutching a book to her chest. “Braden,” she says softly.
“How was Brooklyn?”
“It was
.... Fine, thank you. How are you?”
“I'm
....” I catch the warning look Megan shoots me. “I'm good. I guess.”
She nods slightly. “I've gotta
....”
“Sure.” I open the classroom door for them, wanting to rip it off its hinges. “See you later.”
“Yeah, see you,” she whispers and leaves quickly. Megan shoots me an evil glare and points her finger.
“Not what she needed,” she hisses.
“I needed to see her, Meggy.” I meet her eyes, and they soften. “I needed to speak to her. She is.... She's okay, right?”
She sighs, her whole body sagging. “I don't know what you want me to say, Bray. But
.... Sure, if it makes you feel better, she's fine.”
“And if it doesn't?” I clench my teeth.
“Then she's still fine.” She turns around and runs after Maddie.
I make a sound of disbelief and anger. Aston grabs the door to stop me slamming it and gives me a look.
So I get a little crazy where Maddie is concerned.
~
I avoid the cafeteria like a plague knowing she'll be in there. It was more painful seeing her than I thought it would be. Instead of going there like I normally would, I head back to the frat house. I dump my backpack on the floor by my desk and drop back onto my bed, my hands clasped behind my head.
I had so many grand plans of how I'd get her to talk to me. I was determined to make her listen, make her believe I love her, but then
.... I see her, and all that disappears because I don't wanna talk to her.
I just wanna grab her. I wanna hold her tight and stroke her hair. I want to kiss the corners of her eyes and never let go of her. Because she's mine.
Goddammit, Maddie Stevens is mine. And that's the bottom line. It always will be.
She'll always be mine – and I'll always be hers.
Two days after speaking to Braden after English, and I still haven't recovered. Where the crap has my 'bounce-back' mechanism gone? The freakin' springs are probably broken, actually. It's been used so many times, it's probably fed up of bouncing my ass when I fall on it.
This time it's on me. This time, it's on me to pull myself together and get up from the low I seem to have sunk to emotionally.
I also need to magically grow a pair of balls and actually go to the frat house for the books I left there because staring at it sadly from my bedroom window isn't bringing them to me. Seeing Braden – in a classroom I can deal with, but in the frat house? His house? His room?
Could I ever deal with that?
If I went, would I come back even more broken than I am now?
No, no, I'm not broken. I'm strong, just like he said. And I can go over there. I can do it.
I slip my pumps onto my feet and run my fingers through my hair anxiously, shutting the door behind me. My feet seem to echo in the empty hallway as I slowly make my way down the stairs. I shiver despite the warm evening air, and wrap my arms around my body.
I pause on the sidewalk next to the frat house for a second, and the door opens. Kyle.
“Maddie?” He frowns, doing a double-take.
“I, er.... Is Braden there?” I ask softly.
“Yeah, he's in. I thought you-”
“We're not. I just.... I left some books here.” I look down. “I need them back.”
“Oh, sure. Give me a minute, I'll get them.”
I nod and hear the door shut. I bounce uncomfortably, bending my knees and study the cracks in the sidewalk.
It was once perfect, flawless, but now it's cracked and broken. Just like me.
“Maddie?” Braden's voice is hesitant. It's a tone I've never heard before.
“Hi.” I look up and fake a smile. I hide the frantic beat of my heart and shaking of my hands.
“I've got your books.” He steps out and holds them out. I grind my back teeth together and reach out, cursing my shaking hands. “Are you cold?”
“Uh, a little. I think the change in air is making me sick,” I lie. “I should get back.” I tuck the books against my chest and make to move.
“You're okay? Your Dad.... He's okay?”
I wish he didn't care. “Yeah. I'm good. Dad's good,” I smile slightly and make the mistake of meeting his eyes. “What?”
He sighs. “You're lying.”
“Why would I be lying? I'm fine, Braden, just like you are.” The words sound hollow even to my ears. “I needed to get away and now I'm back. I'm fine. I'm sure
your life is how it was before both of us started those games-”
“You're wrong.” He slams the door behind him and storms down the steps. I step back.
“Braden-”
“It's not like it was before you, Maddie, not at all. I might be just as lonely and just as pathetic, but it's not the same because there will never be another you. It's not fucking possible.” He stops in front of me and looks down. His hands are clenched tightly in fists at his sides. “You
.... It's just you. No one else. Without you, it's all fucking pointless. Without you....” He growls in his throat and touches the side of my head, his fingers sinking into my hair. I swallow the lump in my throat and hold back the tears forming.