Authors: Rob Reger
The Lost Days (6 page)
Calamity Poker in progress!
I’ve also noticed that bets under $500 are rare, and always laughed at. Man, how much money is that medicine show bringing in?
I should probably admit that the Ümlaut crew is turning out to be more entertaining than annoying, and I guess I could be wrong about Ümlaut being Raven’s enemy. Maybe he’s just more interesting that way. Seems like, in all the books and movies, whenever you have a rundown (but lovable) café frequented by a bunch of pathetic (but lovable) underdogs, then obviously the rich, obnoxious, fashionable out-of-towners who spend all their spare time there, drinking coffee and breaking furniture and, I don’t know, secretly planning to buy it, bulldoze it, and turn it into a strip mall, have to be the enemy. Except in this case, I don’t know if the café or the underdogs who come here are lovable. Or if there’s really any problem with the Ümlauts spending their money breaking and replacing the El Dungeon’s furniture. It’s definitely not my concern why Raven tolerates them hanging out here. Actually, I think Raven, being Raven, would tolerate a lot of things even worse than Ümlaut. I could picture her, for example, putting up with a colony of plague rats nesting in her wig, without much of a fuss.
Also: I think it’s peculiar that I seem to know something about “all the books and movies” when I can’t actually remember any specific books or movies. And another thing: I keep getting this feeling that there’s a song that really relates to my situation—being a stranger, even to myself, and thinking everyone around me is strange—but I don’t remember a single actual song I may ever have known. Not even the one you sing
to someone whose birthday it is.
Clearly my mind is very odd!!!
Later
More intrigue at the El Dungeon! Ümlaut’s friend Attikol finally came in. You know, the guy who runs the Deadly Dollhouse. But instead of hanging out playing Calamity Poker like the other nuisances, all he did was flirt with Raven! I may have forgotten to mention that Raven is fairly gorgeous, and Attikol seemed kind of smitten. You wouldn’t believe the lines he was spitting. I was embarrassed.
As usual, I was hiding under the counter, so I heard every word.
| | A | | So, you’re the new girl. My friend Ümlaut neglected to tell me you were such a dream incarnate. |
| | R | | Uhhhhhhhhhhh… |
| | A: | | Ha. Ha. Ha. Oh, dear. Though the brightest light in the heavens may shine for man, it doth not shine for you. In your eyes, but never in your mind. |
| | R: | | ….…. Thank you? |
| | A: | | Did Ümlaut mention to you that I have magical powers beyond your wildest dreams? |
| | R: | | Uhh…no. |
| | A: | | Right, well, I was just kidding. Seriously, though, I do have a great set of guns. |
| | M | | [Snorting from under the counter.] |
| | A: | | I look into your eyes, Raven, and what do I find? Nothing more than lint and espresso recipes. And this, my deadly doll, this is what drives me wild for you! I must have you! |
| | R: | | Uhhhhhhhhhh?? |
| | A: | | I’ll pick you up tomorrow evening at eight, darling. |
[The dollar signs are mine, but you could practically hear them hissing on his snakey tongue.]
Then he left, and as soon as he was gone, Ümlaut stormed over to the counter to convince Raven she wasn’t going to date his creepy friend. I’m NOT writing down their conversation. It was extremely tiresome and full of “Uhhhhhhhhh…” (Raven) and “Blood and Gor!” (Ümlaut). Here’s what I picked up between naps:
- Ümlaut has a terrible crush on Raven.
- Attikol always goes for ladies Ümlaut has crushes on.
- All the dolls in Attikol’s show are modeled after real ladies he has known.
- This one time, Attikol filled all the waterways of Venice, Italy, with bubble bath just because this one lady dared him to.
- This other time, Attikol had the streets of San Francisco rearranged just so this other lady’s favorite show
The Streets of San Francisco would be more accurate
. - This
other
other time, Attikol paid a sheik-ton of money to hold a fake Super Bowl just so he could make Ümlaut think his team had lost. - And once, Attikol paid a team of Nobel Prize–winning scientists to create a new kind of whoopie cushion to
embarrass Ümlaut in front of his lady friends. - For supposedly being friends, Attikol and Ümlaut seem to hate each other’s guts an awful lot.
- Attikol likes recreational straitjacketing, volcano diving, and cement boots (on other people).
- Attikol has this bad habit of making life difficult for people who cross him, which is why Ümlaut can never keep a girlfriend and has had both his kneecaps broken.
- Attikol also has a huge ego, which is his main weak spot.
- Raven can buy some Attikol-free time if she can give him a challenge that’s super hard (or just very time-consuming).
- I do not care about this drama even just one little bit, but the challenge of coming up with a challenge for Attikol sounds pretty fun.
Day 6
Am feeling extremely peeved that I did not pay more attention to the stupid street-sweeping schedule. My lean-to has received an $86 ticket for being “parked” in a street-sweeping zone. Grrr!
Went back to the bus depot and tried to talk myself into picking a new town, but Myself reminded me that if I go, I’ll be leaving behind not only $243 in tickets and some fairly annoying people, but any clues to my identity that might exist.
Will try to stick it out here a while longer.
Am not pleased.
Later
OK—something pretty odd just happened here at the minipark. Had been feeling very motivated to figure out who I am and what happened to me so I can leave this ridiculous town forever. Decided to retrace my steps, try to jolt my memory a bit. Stood around in front of the El Dungeon for a while and then walked up and down the streets, checking the scene. Eventually ended up at the minipark. I was sitting on the bench, completely bored, and thought I’d practice my aim with the ol’ slingshot. There were still plenty of lovely shooting rocks under the bench. Dead ahead from where I sat was the solo tree, and about five feet up the trunk I noticed this knothole. I aimed, and got it solid on the first shot. And then I heard this click from the bench. I turned around to see that one of the brass letters on the plaque, the “d” in “LeStrande,” was now pushed forward just a little bit.
Weird! I ran my fingers around it, tried to pull it out, then gave it a little push, and the thing flipped upside down…and became a “g.” Huh. It was…kind of le strange.
Spent about an hour shooting rocks at pretty much everything else in the park, but nothing else happened. Am excited to poke around town more and see what other weird surprises I can find. More secret doors concealed in wood paneling, for example. Mysterious SCHNEIDER door possibly hiding…I don’t know, fascinating “Schneider”-related treasures. Portals to other dimensions. Bizarre elaborate chain-reaction contraptions that have waited centuries for me to come along and trigger them. YESSSSS!
If only!
Later-walking around town some more
Noticed four police officers standing around getting this dog to catch and eat wadded-up money. Once they had used up their small bills they moved up to twenties. Amazing.
Saw a loooong line of people waiting to get inside City Hall. Um, by “loooong,” I mean twenty-three people. Hey, that must be at least half the Blackrock population. Did not really want to make eye contact with any of them, let alone have a conversation, but curiosity was kind of killing me. Asked some lady what they were all doing and she said it was ticket-paying day and everyone was waiting in line to pay various tickets and fines. Pretty much the most soul-crushing thing I’ve heard all day.