The Lost Blogs (12 page)

The Earless Wonder

Unnamed Strange-Lookin’ Fella (this name is subject to change)

From:
http://www.dante_alighieri. com/blog/

Subject:
Hell! Can Now Be Yours!

ABANDON ALL HOPE!

HELL
IS HERE!

(Now Available for
Download!
)

Unbaptized Pagans!

Gluttons!

Sloths!

Heretics!

Seducers!

Flatterers!

Rivers of Blood!

Hypocrites!

Thieves!

Traitors!

Disease!

The Circles of HELL can now be
yours to own!

(Disclaimer: The author is not directly responsible for providing said “circles of Hell” to the purchaser upon checkout. Such
“circles of Hell” are not located in the physical universe and cannot be guaranteed to materialize upon completing the transaction.
Author does, however, guarantee that if said customer can aspire to each of the above Hell-like categories referenced above,
they can be 99% sure that upon leaving the material world they will indeed visit said “circles of Hell.”)

No refunds or credits. No guarantees.

Hell may not be as hellish as previously suggested.

Hell may not be engulfed in flames.

“Owning Hell” is a play on words.

“99%” may, in actuality, be closer to 11%.

From:
http://www.maewest.com/sex_blog/

Subject:
For My Male Fans…

You know what I always say, boys—a hard man is good to find! So why not contribute to making more boys bad?

My official
webcam
is now up and running… for your pleasure and mine. And from the hits so far, all I can tell you is that there are so many
men and so little time to, well, do something with them all. I hope you enjoy it—all of me, for all of you! (As for my female
fans—I hope you enjoy it just as much if not more than the boys!)

Thanks to all who have written letters in support of me after I was arrested while performing my off-Broadway play
Sex
. By now you probably know that the police shoved me into a jail cell for ten days… But I got out in eight days. Two days
early for good behavior they say.

Good behavior, huh? Try bad behavior. Being a bad girl is what got me outta the slammer so quick. Those lonely guards. Stuck
all day guarding bad criminals. I showed them a really really bad girl and it made their day. I woulda stayed ten more days
if they’d let me, but you can imagine no one was gettin’ any work done!

Since I’ve been back, I’ve been writin’ another show. I ain’t quite sure what the exact story’s gonna be about, but I know
for sure that I want it to include the following elements:

Sex

Have you checked out my
pictures
yet? This week I uploaded pictures of yours truly at the beach, playing cricket (you’ll see how it’s really done) and a little
bit of strip poker with some of the boys down at the ol’ watering hole. Strip poker’s gotta be my favorite game ’Cause when
you lose… you really win!

I’ll be back tomorrow with details of my night out with two men at once! Double the pleasure… for them, of course.

From:
http://www.joseph_mccarthy.com/blog/

Subject:
Speaking Out Against the Offenders

The problem has reached a critical point in our nation. All across this country, the offenders laugh in the face of what is
right and what is just. As senator, in addition to my other successful missions, I have decided to take on yet another in
an attempt to serve my country as they elected me to do.

It’s about time someone took on these bloggers who refuse to put a picture of themselves on their blogs. And that someone
is me.

That’s me.

In a time where alliances to this country are questioned at every corner, where Communists can be found in PTA meetings and
the workplace—hiding and plotting… Isn’t it time that all dishonest individuals be brought to justice?

If you have a blog and you do not have a picture of yourself on that blog—you are lying to the American public. You are hiding
who you are. You are keeping secrets from those who look for information in a public forum. You must be stopped.

Therefore, I have decided that it will be my job to confront each and every blogger who erects their own blog and affixes
them with images of animals, patterns, icons, colors, pictures heavily changed in graphic editing programs, and/or no images
at all. If you are a person, with an honest agenda, then your face should be seen.

Isn’t it ironic, that those without pictures often combine their lack of identity with potentially subliminal messages layered
into dated MIDI songs in the code of their pages? Isn’t it suspicious that those without pictures often talk more emphatically
about the political system and how it refuses to work for their anonymous selves? Isn’t it amusing that those without pictures
also misdirect e-mails to mailboxes that cannot be traced back to who they are?

The practice must stop. And I will be sure that it happens.

If you know anyone—friends, family, co-workers or siblings—who is currently using a blog or webpage and has not included an
honest representation of who they are, you can send me an
anonymous tip
and my office will investigate them in due time.

We will address these issues along with finding a way to deal with those who post pictures from their vacations or provide
links to photo albums that no one has previously expressed interest in. Such practices are obviously a cover—a way to force
one’s negative ideals onto other innocent Americans.

Fight with me!
E-mail
me.

From:
http://www.blogger.com/~louis_pasteur/

Subject:
…

Qwertyuiop[]\ASDFGHJKL;”

Zxcvbnm,./

Excuse me—it was necessary to clean off the keyboard prior to using it.

‘1234567890-=

Sorry, didn’t get the top layer of the keyboard.

So, the discussion yesterday centered around how spores attach themselves to dust and enter our households, thus infecting
our lives with germs. I originally had a diagram which I had readied for this site, but unfortunately it become contaminated
by the canine, and had to obviously be burned immediately.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Again, I apologize. The “r” key had more than its share of dirt caked onto the top layer of its surface. Using a cleansing
agent I believe I’m now working with a fully sanitized keyboard.

I’ve received quite a lot of correspondence lately from those of you as concerned as I am about keeping the devices we use
to communicate as free of germs as possible. In doing so, I would like to provide you with this
link
to a blank white page. This will allow you to see if there is any offending dirt or dust invisibly hiding from your human
eyes. Of course, spores are too small for the human eye and so the only way in which to determine if your workspace is cluttered
by such evil particles is to take the following steps:

1. Cover your entire device in an oversized plastic bag.
   
2. Secure a filter at the end of said oversized plastic bag.
   
3. Suck air from the plastic bag, through the filter.
   
4. Examine the filter.
   

If said filter is filled with spores (which you will need a microscope of some kind to determine), then your computer has
been affected by dust spores. Such spores may or may not be noxious, but in order to be safe you should do what I always do
… Assume the worst. Dispose of the computer immediately.

Germs are everyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy (sorry, “y” key was still dirty)… are everywhere.

From:
http://www.harryhoudini.com/blog/

Subject:
Happened Again!

I was on the way home tonight with my wife, Bess, from yet another one of my bird shows. Yes, “The King of Birds” show, once
again, brought down the house. Bess, as always, did a wonderful job as my assistant… always on her toes, as my trademark
“doves vanish in midair” is a tricky one to handle (that’s all I can say, don’t want to give away any of the secrets!).

At around sundown, we arrived home to find that we were (once again) locked out of the house.

Bess always ribs me about this, and didn’t let up tonight with her
this is the fifteenth time you have forgotten the keys, Ehrich
spiel, and no matter what I tried (jiggling the lock, kicking it with my foot, trying to loosen the hinges)—there was no
giving. No solution.

It was mildly comical if you picture the situation. Me in my stage costume, Bess in hers. Cages of birds stacked by the dozens.
A dark night sky. And there we were, for (yes, it’s true) the fifteenth time… locked out of our home.

After calling the locksmith we eventually found our way in (would I be writing this sad little entry now if that wasn’t the
case?) and settled in at a much later time than we had previously expected. The whole experience has got me thinking, of course,
that maybe the life of a locksmith isn’t that bad. In a way, it’s somewhat magical, the way the tumblers and the locks work
in unison to unlock a door. The way one man, with just his hands, can free the bonds of any steel structure.

Quite astounding if you ask me. I could have watched the locksmith for hours—yet for him, it only required a mere thirty seconds.

Fast and amazing. Life’s true magician!

From:
http://www.polofamily.com/~marco/

Subject:
Lost in China

Hello, again!

Last week I spoke about the greatest honor in all of my journey thus far, with Father and Uncle Maffeo, when the Kublai Khan
made me his official emissary for when we return to Rome. In the meantime, I have detailed some of the amazing cultural differences
of China, from
their chop-sticks
(two staffs of wood, for eating!), the
amazing Great Wall
, and my favorite by far—the
tea
. No tea tastes better on the tongue, as you will all experience when my family returns to Venice where we shall share our
discoveries.

A funny and harrowing story to share:

A few nights ago my father, Niccolo, was invited to a meal hosted by the Khan—and instructed to bring his brother and son
to the festivities. We were happy, as usual, to attend, as it provided us the opportunity to continue to learn and experience
the culture here in China.

After a wonderful dinner, I excused myself to explore the elaborate gardens out behind the palace—twisting branches and flowers,
rising high above my head and forming walls on all sides. They twist and turn like two snakes intertwined, yet I made my way
further into them, as my mind was not concerned with where I was, but what I saw. You can imagine my surprise when I found
myself lost. I tried, of course, to find my way, but was met with impasses at every corner. Eventually, of course, I sat down
and waited. And waited. And waited. Then suddenly I heard: