The Light in the Wound (26 page)

“EEEEEEEK! You
what
?” She shrieked loud enough that I actually feared the fire alarms would go off. “My God, Isa, you need to talk to him. Now. No, wait, not now. You need to speak to Jesse first and then to Alex. NO, Alex first and then Jesse. Shit! Whatever, you know what I’m trying to say!”

By that time, my tears flowed freely and I was openly crying to her. “I love him so much, B. Help me, please. It’s him I want. I think that maybe it’s always been him.”

Minutes later when we had both calmed down, we came up with a logical plan. I would speak to him about it at the night of the event. Betty would try to keep Jesse away for a few minutes, while I would think of an excuse to get him away from Amanda long enough to tell him the truth about my feelings for him.

That night, as I was getting ready for the event, I chanced upon the dress that Alex had bought me from our afternoon at Wal-Mart. I smiled to myself as I ran my hands down the fabric. I’d worn this dress time and again, and each time he saw me in it, he teased me about being his lovely princess. I wished I could wear that dress to the event to show Alex how much I’d learned from him.

I decided to go with a dress made by a local designer who had garnered some international attention with his creations in recent months. Working for the government had made me fiercely loyal to helping our homegrown creative talent instead of subsidizing the foreign, more established designers. The dress was a halter-type scooped back long dress with crystal beading on the back and around the waist. I paired it up with nude-colored, open toe sandals and an Alexander McQueen gold skull clutch bag.

Jesse looked so handsome as he stood by the doorway waiting to meet me that he literally took my breath away when I saw him. He told me I was beautiful and held my hand all night. It killed me to know that all I wanted to do was see Alex. My grandparents, who had warmed up toward Jesse during the second phase in our relationship, were also at the event. A few minutes after we arrived, my grandfather walked us around and introduced Jesse to a large number of his colleagues. While Jesse was making small talk with one of the owners of a large shopping conglomerate, I spotted Alex as he walked in hand in hand with Amanda. They made a handsome pair; she was tall and statuesque, graceful and lithe.
She would be good for him,
I thought. I knew right then that I was making the wrong decision.

You should leave Alex alone. He’s happy with her. They make a great couple. Stop being so selfish. Leave him alone. You have Jesse back. He loves you. Don’t turn into your mother and discard him after more than six years together. You swore you’d never be like her, and look, now you’re repeating history. You slept with him but didn’t love him at the time. Now you’re going to ruin his relationship with Amanda. Don’t do it.

As I wiped the tears from my eyes, I turned back toward Jesse and forced myself to become involved in his ongoing conversation.

Dinner was over and the dancing had commenced. I had to tolerate a couple of photo ops as publicity for the local designer whose dress I was wearing. I held on to Jesse’s hand while they took my pictures. I wanted him to be a part of this new phase in my life. The shy and insecure young girl that he knew before was gone. I was going to smile my way through this evening and try my best to cast my agony aside.

Betty was nowhere to be found. I received a message from her earlier in the evening saying, “Stuck with the future in laws, crazy MIL discussing the flowers. Good luck. Text me when it’s done.”

“What do you say we skip out of this thing early and go home?” Jesse whispered in my ear.

“You read my mind.” I smiled back. “Let me just freshen up and I’ll meet you by the front entrance.”

There was such a long line in the bathroom that I rushed out as soon as I was done, knowing that Jesse was waiting. Just as I turned the corner into the main hallway, I saw Alex walking away from the men’s room, which was on the opposite side of the corridor. He didn’t see me at first, until I brushed past him as he stopped to check his cell phone. His breath hitched as he realized that it was me.

“Isabel!” he called out.

I turned around and said, “Hi Alex! Bye Alex!” picking up the speed of my walk as I tried to avoid him.

He ran after me, pulled me by the elbow and pushed me against the wall. People were walking past us, but he didn’t seem to care. “You look absolutely stunning. Is Jesse here with you?”

Was it my imagination or did he really just graze his lips past my ear?

“He’s waiting outside for me, Alex. I really have to go. Just call me later, k?”

“No, please spend a few minutes with me. Let’s catch up,” he pleaded.

I pulled my phone out of my clutch and typed a message to Jesse:

Stuck with my grandfather who is introducing me to his real estate broker. Need about 15 minutes.
And here it starts. My first lie of the night.

Alex took my hand and led me into an empty conference room. I sat on the long brown conference desk, while he stood directly facing me.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were getting engaged?” I asked with all the attitude I could muster.

“Because it doesn’t matter. No big deal to you, I’m sure.” His voice was taunting.

“How can you say that? I thought we were friends, Alex.”

“You got your happy ending, why would you care?” His eyes were venomous. His tone was spiteful.

“Why are you so angry? Tell me. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Isa. Let me take you back to Jesse. This was a mistake.” He tried to lift me by my elbows to help me off the table. I stayed seated and steered his hands away.

“No! You started this, now let’s finish it!” I screeched. “Enough of speaking to me in riddles. What’s wrong, Alex?”

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong, Isa? What’s
wrong
is that you didn’t choose me. I waited and hoped and prayed that you would realize it was me that you wanted. Me that you loved and not him. I gave you time to manage through your pain. And in the end, you still didn’t choose me.”

His face was now inches away from mine. The tension in the room had just peaked to a boiling point, and I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I was afraid that whatever I said would change things between us. I couldn’t afford to lose him, and yet I didn’t want to ruin his life. He held my face and brushed his lips against mine ever so lightly. I closed my eyes and drew him in. This might be the last time I got to do this. My Alex was going to marry someone else. I wasn’t going to be like my mother. I wasn’t going to steal him from someone else once he committed to marriage.

“Why didn’t you choose me, Isabel? Why? Why can’t you? Can’t you see how much I love you? Choose me. Choose. Me.” His voice was as soft as a whisper, but my heart heard every word.

“But I do. I choose you, Alex. I was going to tell you that tonight, until I saw you walk in with Amanda. You looked so happy and content; I was done with ruining your life again. I love you, Alex. It
has
always been you. I love you so much that it hurts to say it. It hurts because you might not love me as much and I’m scared. I’m a mess, Alex. I try so hard not to let my family’s past affect me, but in one way or another, I know that my personal damage will surface in the future. Maybe when I become a mother myself, maybe right now as I’m cheating on Jesse. I swore to live by the truth. And now I just lied to Jesse. I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t want you to marry Amanda. Alex, I—”

He placed his finger on my lips. His beautiful blue eyes were wide with shock. “You love me? You’re choosing me?”

“Yes.”

His lips were on me in zero seconds flat. He kissed my forehead, my eyes, my nose and then returned back to my mouth. He kissed me with a fervor that aroused me so much I pulled him to me and pressed him against my open legs as I ground against him.
What am I about to do? I have to show Alex that he’s the one for me or else it will be too late.

“You’re mine, Isa. Be mine. All mine,” he growled.

I pushed him back for a second and looked into his eyes and whispered, “Everything I do — I see your face. I imagine you, I dream of you. You’re the one, Alex. I’m yours.”

Those words triggered something in him. His face grew rabid as he grabbed me roughly and tore my panties off. “I want you, Isa, I want you now. I’m going to fuck you.” He unzipped his pants and plunged into me.
Alex came unglued. It was as if he was pouring out all his emotions into his need to be one with me. He gripped me tightly as he marked my neck with his teeth. “Say my name again. Tell me you love me.” His frenzied thrusts made me feel so alive, so needed. Like his life depended on it.

This was what I had been waiting to feel. The last time I connected like this was when I was with him four and a half months ago.

“I love you, Alex! Please, please, show me how much you missed me!”

Minutes later he was wiping me up and helping me get dressed. “I’m afraid you’re going to change your mind when you walk out that door,” he said tentatively, as he stepped toward me and took my face in his hands.

“What are we going to do?” I asked.

“I’ll speak to Amanda tonight. Will you tell Jesse tonight, too?”

“Yes, let me go home with him so we can talk.” I gently clutched his hands and brought them down to his sides before moving back to walk away.

“Isabel? Call me tomorrow. I don’t have to go to work if you need me. Let’s not drag this out. I’ve waited long enough. Please tell him tonight.”

Jesse was waiting in the lobby, sitting on one of the couches with a group of people that he knew. He had a drink in his hand but placed it on the table as soon as he saw me walking toward him.

“Iss, are you okay? You look so flushed.”

“I’m so sorry.”
For everything that happened and for what is going to happen
, I wanted to say
.

He nodded distractedly and guided me toward the parking lot.

The car ride on the way home was tense and quiet. I leaned away from him in the car, certain that I had the smell of sex on me.

TEXT FROM ALEX: I love you. Please tell him.

“Who’s that?” Jesse asked, as the light on my phone flashed in the dark car. He briefly turned to look at me, and his dark eyes screamed with suspicion.

“Just Betty, checking on us to see whether we’ve left.” I shrank further into the seat, away from him.

We pulled into the driveway and went inside the house. Jesse had my hand and was about to lead me upstairs when I stopped him.

“Jess, let’s talk for a minute. Let’s sit in the living room for a second.”

“Sure. What’s wrong?” he asked, as he followed me into the sitting room.

“I am so sorry. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Iss, I have been trying to make it up to you. I still need more time to show you how sorry I am about what happened.”

“You don’t have to do that, Jesse. That’s my point. Please hear me out. I want to explain something to you.” I took a deep breath and continued on. “When you left me five months ago, I didn’t know how to move forward with my life. You were everything to me, the only thing I had. My friends were your friends; my life was your life. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I didn’t know how I was ever going to recover from losing you. The good and bad thing about time is that it never stops for anyone. I learned to appreciate the people who were with me day in and day out, supporting me, helping fill my days. I didn’t have my mom — I lived alone in this house. Those people were my sisters, Betty and Alex.”