IV
The Letter
Ali,
I have been carrying this letter within me for years. I have read it and reread it, without actually writing it. From the day when I first grasped the seriousness of my illness, I wanted to spare you. You will find my attitude strange, and probably unfair. It took us more than thirty years to construct our friendship, and I did not want sickness, suffering, and unhappiness to destroy it. You see, I'm your friend, and I did for you what I would have liked you to do for me, had a fatal illness had the temerity to attack you.
I had this idea when I was at my lowest, at a time when I had not yet realized that death is part of life, and that when we leave life, we should not punish those who survive us. I knew better than most that death is really the illness, not the actual moment when everything stops. What is death? The long days, the interminable nights of insomnia, when pain bores its mark into your body until you lose consciousness. The hours waiting in a hospital room until someone calls you for an examination. Death is the test results, the numbers, the speculation about the unknown. Death is the silence, the frightening abyss we watch approaching us.
I could not spare my wife and children this grief. But I could spare you, simply by provoking an argument, by questioning your honesty, which I knew to be your most sensitive point. I needed to push you away, to cast you aside, with your suspicions, your questions, your extreme sensitivity, your sense of injustice. By detaching you from our friendship, I was pushing you away from my death, hoping you could turn the page.
I suspected that this strategy would not work as well as I had planned. I had foreseen that you would resist, that you would try to find out what was really happening, and do everything you could to understand the torment in your heart. I knew you were deeply hurt, and that you would not give up easily. This is precisely what I feared. Your intelligence and the strength of your conviction could make my plan fail. Above all, I wanted to avoid having to share my death with you, because I know what you are like. You would have been there, living through every moment of the progression of this damn disease; you would have been at my side, waiting with me to the end; and I would have had to read the approach of the darkness in your eyes. You were a mirror I could not bear to look into, out of weakness, wounded pride, and, I have to confess, perhaps out of a terrible jealousy unworthy of our friendship. Your face would have been there between sickness and death, at the frontier of the abyss. I would have seen the beginning of the end in your eyes. Do you remember that Humphrey Bogart film? You're the one who explained to me that the "Big Sleep" is death, and because of this, the film was unintelligible, although it was superb.
Now I am lying in a bed that is slowly turning into a tomb, and I know you are right.
Together we shared intense moments, especially when we were in the hands of the imbecile military officials, who spoke bad French, because they could not speak to us any other way, and that was all part of the humiliation their superiors wanted to inflict on us. You were strong because you understood and refused to submit. We complemented each other. I had a big mouth. I knew how to talk back, to fight if necessary. You withstood blows, too, but you weren't able to return them. You were the cerebral one; I was the physical one. Actually, I was both, but in these circumstances, I preferred to flex my muscle. We were dealing with brutes, who understood only the language of brutes.
Our friendship has been a beautiful journey. Neither of us has ever done anything petty, unworthy, or mediocre. We took great care in our relationship, cultivating our friendship openly, without ambiguity, without lies. When our wives appeared, there was a moment when we wavered, but we both hung on. They had a hard time accepting the strength of our friendship. There were some crises. They could never understand that our bond could sometimes be stronger than the bond we felt with our families. Jealousy is a banal sentiment, but normal. We just need to understand it, and not be surprised when it bursts into flame.
I missed you a lot, especially in my first years in Sweden. I wanted to show you that country, share with you my daily life there, discuss the Swedish way of life with you, their cold rationality, their great kindness, their culture of respect for one another-in short, what was lacking in our own beloved country.
I learned the language, and I was proud to be able to watch Bergman films without subtitles. I took advantage of Sweden 's location to visit neighboring countries. I had a particular fondness for Denmark. Everywhere I went, I encountered fellow Moroccans, some of whom were lost souls, others political exiles, still others who had simply come to work and make their lives in that part of the world. They all told me the same thing. They missed Morocco, even if they had suffered there. It's strange, this strong, neurotic relationship we have with our homeland. I needed to come back here to die.
Perhaps it's because of our cemeteries. The tombs are arranged any which way. No one minds the chaos. Children offer to water the grass on the tomb you have come to visit. Old peasants read verses from the Koran so quickly that they swallow half their words, in order to make ten dirhams from a mourner. Our cemeteries are part of nature. They are not sad places. If you could see the one in Stockholm! Sterile, orderly, depressing.
Of
course, many Scandinavians choose to be cremated. Muslims don't do that. To be reduced to a little pile of ashes, put in a box, then scattered to the wind- how romantic! To think that we return to the earth to fertilize it, and become reincarnated in a plant or a flower. We never talked about this. Do you remember when you went through your atheist phase? You told me you would try to give your children tree or flower names, instead of Islamic ones. You rejected any religious references. After a while, you let go of this rigidity. You replaced it with another: you didn't accept social hypocrisy. We agreed on what was essential. You made me laugh because you searched for perfection in people. You didn't say it quite that way, but you were surprised when someone didn't keep his word, or when you caught someone in a lie.
I liked your relationship with women. I had settled down. I nurtured my relationship with the beautiful Ghita. I no longer seduced other women. But women were your weakness. An evening without a woman was a failure. A trip wasn't memorable unless you met a new woman. I was astonished when you told me you were getting married. You wanted to join the ranks of married men to be like me, to have both the stability and tensions of married life. We both had marital problems. Neither of our wives ever really accepted our friendship. We stole from them time we should have been spending with them. What you and I shared was spiritual. With our wives, it was sensual above all else.
Thirty years with some eclipses, some moments of silence, some separation due to travel. There were moments that gave us pause, but there were never any doubts. We never called our friendship into question. We always met again with the same gaze, the same strong sense of each other. People thought we agreed on everything. In fact, what gave depth to our relationship was precisely the opposite: it was our different perspectives, our differences of opinion, freely expressed, but without any kind of personal opposition between us. We complemented each other and defended the force that cemented our bond.
I have found our rupture hard to endure. Many times, I almost flew back to Tangier to tell you what I had done. I never had the courage, and then it was too late. I believed in my decision, and I couldn't take it back. When I seemed to be angry with you, talking about the bills for the apartment, I worked hard to be believable, using all my talents as an actor to pull it off. I needed the strength of my conviction.
Now, I return to you your due. Our friendship was a great and beautiful adventure. It does not end with my death. It remains a part of the life you will continue to live.
Mohammed
Tangier, Morocco, July 2003-January 2004