Read The Honorable Barbarian Online

Authors: L. Sprague de Camp

Tags: #Fiction, #Fantasy, #General

The Honorable Barbarian (16 page)

"Oh, yes there is!" cried Klung. "The temple was about to slay the Princess Nogiri as a sacrifice to their demonic deity. The laws of Salimor do not permit the killing of a slave or other bondperson at the whim of his or her master. There must be an official procedure to weigh whether the bondperson hath done aught to merit such treatment, such as defying a lawful command. That law dates from the reign of Sophi Munta—"

"Who reigned three centuries ago, and whose law has long since fallen into disuse! For over a century, the courts have held that to slay one's slave at one's own discretion be a basic human right! Let not this cheap mountebank—"

"Hold your tongue, charlatan!" shouted Klung. "Honorable Captain, this convicted criminal can bend every law to his purpose of the moment—"

"Humbug!" yelled Pwana. "I challenge you to a magical duel, ashore, you fat pretender—"

Both wizards screamed threats and insults. Kerin quietly rose, went around the table, and said in Captain Yam bang's ear:"Sir, if I might speak to you apart for a moment. . . ."

The captain nodded and said to the disputants: "I call a recess for a few moments, to let you
gentlemen'
s tempers cool." He gave "gentlemen" a sarcastic emphasis and spoke rapidly in his own tongue to one of the two marines standing behind his chair. Turning back, he said: "I have commanded that if any more such outbursts occur, the marines shall drop you over the side, to sink or swim. Come, Master Kerin."

The captain led Kerin into the bedroom of the suite and closed the door. "Very well, young barbarian, what say you?"

"You've heard the claims, sir. What propose you?"

"To be honest, I must return the woman to those blackguards from the temple. They were in hot pursuit when she took refuge on the ship, and the treaties betwixt His Imperial Majesty and the Sophi provide for return of stolen property under those conditions. It is not as if she were your wife; Kuromonian law is strict against the breaking up of families. Hence when a Kuromonian is convicted of a capital offense, the spouse is beheaded along with the culprit."

"If Princess Nogiri were my wife, would you give me back to Pwana's men along with her?"

Yambang came as close to laughing as such a dignified man could. "Nay, youngster. This person would give her the same protection I extend to you."

Kerin thought until the captain made a motion as if to return to the sitting room. Then he said: "Captain, I've heard of nations whose sea captains are empowered to perform marriages. Does that apply to Kuromon?"

A shadow of a smile flickered across Yambang's grave countenance. "Not in this case, since neither of you is a subject of His Imperial Majesty.''

"My cabin mate is the Reverend Tsemben, a priest of Jinterasa. Could he perform the office?"

"I suppose he could utter the needed phrases, although without the procession from the bride's house to the groom's, the written contract, the exchange of gifts between the parents, the soothsayer's prophecies, and the other formalities, this would be a marriage of the lowest category above simple cohabitation."

"Wilt excuse me a moment, Captain?"

"So long as you attempt not to leave the ship ere this matter be decided."

Pwana and Klung were still growling maledictions. Kerin touched Nogiri on the shoulder and motioned her to follow him out. On deck, he sighted Tsemben leaning on the rail and watching the sailors hoist the cargo aboard. Kerin said:

"Reverend Tsemben, will you unite Princess Nogiri and me in marriage, instanter?"

"Why—why—very well, my son, if you insist; albeit this is somewhat irregular. Doth she consent?"

"Aye, truly," said Nogiri.

"Then join hands and repeat after me—yeouw!" The little priest leaped into the air and clapped a hand to his shoulder. "Something stung me!"

Nogiri gave a cry of pain and clutched at her bare flank; then Kerin felt Belinka's sting on his knee. "Belinka!" he cried. "What in the seven hells do you?"

"Preserving your chastity for Adeliza!" tinkled the sprite, buzzing about the impromptu wedding party like a large, semitransparent insect.

"But this is necessary to save Nogiri's life!"

"I care nought for your brown barbarian!" shrilled Belinka. "I know my duty!"

"We shall see about that!" said Kerin. "Nogiri, stay with the Reverend for a moment."

He dashed off and presently emerged from the captain's suite with Klung waddling after. To the balimpawang he said:

"My familiar gives trouble again. Wouldst please tell your hantu to get her away? Chase her, seduce her, beat her, or whatever be needed to leave us alone for a while.''

Klung's round face crinkled into a smile that hid his slanting black eyes. "Aha! I see ye be taking a desperate measure to get your princess out of Pwana's clutches. It is not for me to lecture you on the advantages of single blessedness. Oh, Sendu! Hither, and sprackly!"

Klung muttered to an invisible presence. Kerin heard a diminishing wail: "You inhuman monster! I'll get even. . . ." The sound, like the buzz of a departing insect, died away. Kerin said:

"Very well, Reverend Tsemben, proceed!"

The priest joined Kerin's left hand to Nogiri's right and rattled through a speech in Kuromonian, of which Kerin caught only a few words. Then Tsemben thrust out a hand, palm up.

"How much do I owe him?" Kerin asked Klung in Novarian.

"One Kortolian eagle were generous."

Digging the coin out of his money belt, Kerin asked Klung: "What befell whilst I climbed that rope?"

"Pwana first told the doublegoer to begone. When the spirit would not, Pwana made a sign to his sentry, who swung his kris; but the blade passed through the entity as if it were smoke. Then the being ran, as I had commanded, with the others after it—all but Pwana, the first to realize it as a simulacrum lacking substance. It was all I could do to keep from laughing and betraying my hiding place. Ah, would ye had seen it, my boy!"

"I had enough on my mind at the time," said Kerin.

Pwana departed down the gangplank. Ashore, he shook his bony fist at the
Tukara Mora
and croaked: "I will send a wind demon to sink you all! I will teach you to thwart the will of the mighty Bautong!"

Klung tapped Kerin's shoulder. "Farewell, lad; and I hope ye enjoy a greater marital felicity than I have. Forget not your contract with me!"

As Klung trudged away, Captain Yambang said: "Well, Master Kerin, this person hopes your presence on my ship will cause no further disturbances. I have told my sailors to move your gear from Number Eighteen to Number Two."

Kerin stared; his thoughts had not run so far ahead. Nogiri's expression was unreadable, but she seemed neither surprised nor disconcerted. As Captain Yambang walked off, she said:

"Had we not better see that your things be rightly stowed?"

"Of course, of course," said Kerin, flustered.

They descended to the cabin deck and went to Number Two. After a long silent minute, Nogiri, standing by the bed, said:

"Well, my lord?"

"Hm," said Kerin. "Dost love me, Princess?"

She showed a puzzled frown. "Nay, certes. But what has that to do with your husbandly rights?"

"In my native Kortoli, love is the main excuse for marrying."

"What a backward, barbarous land!" she cried. "A
proper marriage is securing of a family tie, joining of resources, and the building of a stable family unit. These things form a much more lasting basis for marriage than nimple sexual lust."

"It sounds cold-bloodedly calculating to me."

"So what? If people acted more by reason and less by the whims of passing emotions, half the world's problems were solved. Of course," she added thoughtfully, "if a pair cohabit harmoniously for years, they may come to feel for each other something like this 'love' you speak of. In the present case, I have no family or estate. I know nought of yours, and in any case they are far away. So you, my lord, have done me a great favor, making a wife of a mere thing. Think not but that I am grateful."

"I try to help my friends," mumbled Kerin. "But I wouldn't take unfair advantage. . . ."

"I know not what you mean. I am your wife, am I not? So what about it? It were indecent to hold aloof from me. Let me suggest that, if we take not advantage of your familiar's absence, she may complicate intimacies later on."

"Methought your—ah—misfortune had made such things repugnant."

"That memory has faded, and I am always ready to do my plain duty in any case. Let us to it!"

Kerin broke into a grin. "Good girl!"

The newly weds were resuming their garments when Kerin said: "I ask your pardon, Princess, for not giving you greater pleasure. I am in need of practice."

"Hast had none for long?"

Kerin squirmed, feeling himself flush. "To tell the truth, this was my first."

"Amazing! You must be subject to some strange tabu amongst the round-eyes. I regret that I cannot say the same for myself. So why apologize? A man is not expected to give his woman pleasure, and you were gentler than those pirates. All you need is experience—"

A tiny voice interrupted: "Master Kerin! Oh, Master Kerin!"

"Yea, Belinka?"

"What dost? It looks as if you and your barbarian were about to indulge your beastly lusts despite all!"

"Belinka," said Kerin sternly, "Princess Nogiri and I are man and wife. So we—"

"Oh, you vile creature! Whilst my back is turned, you break poor Adeliza's heart! How can you be so cruel?"

"I had to, to save Nogiri's life."

"A poorish bargain! At least I shall be here to stop indulgence of your animal lusts. Back in civilization, you can dissolve this so-called marriage."

"I won't dissolve it," said Kerin. "As for 'beastly lusts,' you're too late."

"You mean—eeek!" Belinka gave a tiny shriek, dancing about the cabin semitransparent. "You have ruined not only yourself but me as well. Madame Erwina will torture me!"

"I'll put in a good word for you, if we ever win back to Kortoli. Meanwhile you might as well accept—"

"Never! You shall either leave the woman here in the East and say nought about her on your return, or else you must take both her and Adeliza to Janareth or some such place where multiple wives are legal."

"I'll do no such thing. And, unless you promise not to interfere with normal married usages, I'll borrow Klung's hantu to keep you in order!"

"Fiddle-dee-dee! I can twist Sendu round my little finger!"

"Then I'll tell Erwina how you lied to me. If you don't leave us alone, I'll get Klung to turn you into a puddle of slime. Aroint!"

"Aiyee!" came the tiny screech. "Doom, doom! I have failed! What is left? On my own plane, I could immolate myself in a volcano, but that's impossible here."

Kerin regretted his burst of temper. "Now, Belinka, be reasonable!" he said soothingly.

"I'll not, not, not, you arrant satyr! Since I have failed to keep your purity, I will no longer be yoked to the cause of my disgrace. So farewell, you mass of slimy lust! I shall return to Erwina and take my punishment. I go!"

"Belinka, please—" But Kerin soon realized that he was talking to air. He sighed, pulled on his jacket, and left the cabin for his language lesson.

VIII

The Ship
Tukara Mora

When Tsemben had finished drilling Kerin in the honorifics of Kuromonian, the priest said: "Master Kerin, the food at the common table leaves somewhat to be desired: ever salt pork and rice. To be sure, the officers enjoy a more delicate diet, and the captain has his personal cook."

"Then how do we passengers manage?"

"We bring our own dainties aboard. Take care that you fetch nought that will soon rot."

"Thankee," said Kerin. He looked towards the quay, on which stood a pair of guards from the Temple of Bautong, tossing dice on the cobblestones and glancing towards the
Tukara Mora.
Kerin was sure they would set upon him the instant he stepped ashore.

Not having Belinka to run errands for him, Kerin went to the rail and crooked a finger at a dockside loafer. The man was persuaded to come aboard and, for pay, to take a message from Kerin to Klung, to get him a basket of nonperishable foods.

The sun was low when Wejo appeared with a basket, with which Kerin started for Nogiri's cabin. Passing him on deck, Purser Zummo said:

"Ah, this person sees that you are taking precautions. May I look in the basket, to make sure there be no contraband within?"

Kerin uncovered the basket, disclosing a myriad unfamiliar edibles: little cakes, pots of sugary preserves, and so on.

Zummo gave a low whistle. "You must have a gigantic appetite, Master Kerin, for one so lean."

"How so?"

"We shall reach Koteiki in nine or ten days. Meseems you have enough here for a month."

"Oh? This is for Princess Nogiri as well as me."

"So? Perhaps you know not that she will mess with the officers' wives, in consideration of her rank. Her fare, I do assure you, will be adequate."

"Thank you; but then where shall I eat?"

"At the common table with the merchants. I grant there is a contradiction here, since normally a husband outranks his wife, even a royal wife; but the regulations of the Merchant Marine are precise. And speaking of rank, it were unseemly for a Kuromonian gentleman to bear his own burdens. As a barbarian you would not know that; but I would help you to learn decent Kuromonian manners. So permit me to summon a sailor to carry your basket." He spoke to a boatswain's mate, who in turn sent a deckhand off to find a sailor not otherwise occupied.

Kerin, beginning to miss the informality of the little
Dragonet
, asked: "Where should I eat if I were of royal rank?"

"Albeit a foreign devil, you would rank with the junior officers. Otherwise you are but a middle-class foreigner."

"My mother claims I'm a tenth or eleventh cousin of King Fridwal of Kortoli."

Zummo chuckled. "Alas, not close enough. Far enough back, we should doubtless find we are all related, being sprung from the first human pair, whom Jinterasa made from the Five Elements: earth, wood, metal, fire, and water. But harmonious intercourse requires established rules."

At dinner, the merchants ignored Kerin until he tackled his bowl of rice with chopsticks. Trying to eat it a grain at a time, Kerin observed a curiously strained expression on his neighbors at the long table. This puzzled him until he realized that they were trying to keep from laughing.

"Go ahead and laugh," said Kerin genially. "In my land laughter is thought good for the digestion."

The merchants broke down in a spasm of giggles. One said: "Watch me, honorable barbarian!" He picked up the little bowl, held it against his chin, and shoveled in the rice with the chopsticks held close together but not quite touching. After some fumbling, Kerin managed a fair imitation. The merchant who had spoken said:

"This person is happy to see a foreigner learning civilized manners."

The next few days passed peacefully, save for the threatening mien of the temple guards on the quay. Kerin went about his routine. He practiced Kuromonian with Tsemben, did swordplay exercises, exchanged amenities with the officers, watched the stevedores manhandle cargo down the after hatch, and retired to Nogiri's cabin to make love. After an early one of these encounters he said:

"Darling, did I do better this time?"

"Aye, my lord. In fact I, too, enjoyed it—something I never thought I should."

Kerin was finishing his dinner at the merchants' table when a sailor touched him and beckoned. He followed the man up to the weather deck, where Second Mate Togaru said:

"Master Kerin, the wizard Pwana seeks words."

Pwana stood on the quay, while four marines lined up at the rail with fauchards ready. Kerin called across the gap: "Well, sir?"

Pwana said: "I give you one last chance. Either send the wench ashore—ah, here she comes!—send her ashore, or I will send to fetch her a demon from the Fifth Plane. You could not stand against such a being."

"Meanst one of those red things with bat's wings?"

"Ay, indeed."

"The kind that can't appear in daylight, because sunlight sickens them?"

"That is the reason I have waited until sunset. Nay, forget your sword. Their flesh is so tough you could not even scratch it."

Kerin had partly drawn his blade. Now he said to Nogiri, who had come to stand beside him: "Dear, go back to your cabin and lock yourself in, quickly! Argue not!" He turned her about by her shoulders and gave her a little push; then to Pwana: "Very well, Doctor, bring on your spook!"

Kerin felt less brave than he sounded. While he had no wish to lose his life, he could not supinely let a demon carry off his bride without a fight.

"Then have at you, rash boy!" screeched Pwana. "After her, Uqful!"

Overhead came the sound of beating wings; their wind stirred Kerin's hair. Looking up, he saw the Fifth Plane demon against the darkling sky, dimly lit by lanterns hung about the ship. As it descended, Kerin saw a being of roughly human size and shape, supported by huge batlike wings. It was covered with a scarlet skin, which showed no external organs of sex and exhibited taloned extremities like the feet of birds of prey.

The four marines, too, looked up. With a simultaneous screech, they dropped their fauchards and ran for the forward hatch.

As it circled closer, the demon glided towards the forward hatch, down which Nogiri and the marines had Kone. Kerin snatched up a fauchard and ran to the hatch. He arrived just ahead of the demon. Gripping the polearm, he thrust the curved blade at the creature's body. The point thumped home but failed to penetrate; it was like thrusting at a leathern cuirass with a blunted weapon.

"Ouch!" snarled the demon. "That hurt! Stand aside fellow, and let me do my duty!"

"I'm doing mine," growled Kerin. When the demon tried to dodge around him, he thrust again, hitting it in the throat.

"Gah!" roared the demon. "I told you not to do that! Know that I am the mighty Uqful, who could tear you limb from limb! I will, too, an ye force me to."

"You'll have to catch me first," said Kerin, lodging another spear thrust in Uqful's belly and bringing a squall of pain. The demon tried to seize the shaft of the fauchard; but since its reactions were slower than those of an alert human being, Kerin was able to jerk his weapon back out of reach.

The demon made several more tries, but Kerin blocked each one. Ashore, Pwana screamed orders and advice. At last the wizard said: "Dematerialize, stupid, and return to this plane in the woman's cabin!"

"Oh?" said the demon. "Now why thought I not of that?"

Uqful stepped back, turned itself around, spun faster and faster until it became a blur, and vanished with a rush of air. While Kerin pondered what to do next, he heard a muffled scream from down the hatch. Soon Uqful appeared at the base of the ladder with Nogiri, shouting and beating the demon with her fists, in its arms.

"By the heavenly bureaucrats!" said Purser Zummo, appearing beside Kerin with a sword. "You lead an eventful life, Master Kerin! What betides?"

"That is Pwana's pet demon, sent to rape away my bride," said Kerin. "If you'll close the after hatch, we shall have it trapped on the cabin deck!"

"But what needs the ship with an imprisoned demon—"

"Just go and close the hatch!" shouted Kerin, waving his fauchard, "unless you want to lose paying passengers! And fetch that ship's sorcerer I hear about!"

"I trust you know what you do," the purser grumbled; but he went away to carry out Kerin's demand. At the after hatch he shouted at the sailors whose heads peeked over the coaming to watch the drama. Two sailors climbed out on deck, replaced the hatch cover, and battened it down. Then Zummo disappeared into the sterncastle, from the doors and windows of which the officers likewise watched.

As the demon started to climb the ladder, Kerin aimed his fauchard down the hatch. The demon hoisted Nogiri above its head as a shield, with the result that the girl squirmed out of its grip and almost fell. Uqful caught her arm with a sound of ripping cloth.

Ashore, Pwana screamed: "Let no harm befall the maid! I need her intact!"

Still holding the girl, the demon struggled up the ladder again. Kerin sent a thrust into the being's open mouth. He pushed hard as if to force the blade down into the demon's viscera. The demon freed a clawed hand long enough to grasp the shaft and thrust it back up. Then it had to release the shaft to fend off Nogiri's clawing at its eyes. Uqful made spitting and gargling sounds.

"Curse you!" it mumbled at last. "Ye have done me evil scathe! Master Kerin, wilt
please
stand aside and let me carry out my mission? Ye do but struggle against the inevitable."

"We shall see about that," said Kerin. "Let the princess go, and I'll let you up on deck."

The demon wheedled: "But my dear sir, I cannot! It were against my master's command!"

"That's your hard luck. If need be, I'll keep you there all night. When the sun comes up—well, you know what happens."

"An ye let me not up, I will tear your wench limb from limb!"

"But you can't do that, either. Pwana ordered you to deliver her unharmed."

"Ye are a hard, cruel mortal! It is always thus with you Prime Planers, snatching us from our native planes and forcing us to serve without pay. Ye compel us to commit deeds we should never dream of on our own planes." It may have been a trick of the light, but Kerin was sure he saw a couple of tears roll down the being's cheeks.

"Blame me not," said Kerin. "I never commanded you to snatch my mate. Now just release the princess and go your way, and we'll say no more about it."

"But I cannot—" Taking advantage of Kerin's momentary inattention, the demon made a sudden scramble up the ladder. But Kerin aimed his fauchard at the creature's hairless skull and brought the weapon down with all his strength. He felt the point bite into the tough, resilient flesh. Uqful tumbled back down the ladder with ichor, black in the murky light against its scarlet skin, leaking from a small scalp wound.

"The curse of the green slime upon you!" it shouted. "That is the second time ye have wounded me! I will be revenged!"

Kerin forebore to answer. The standoff continued, with the demon alternately cursing, threatening, and wheedling. Officers and men of the ship's crew gathered cautiously around Kerin, staring awestruck and murmuring words of advice or encouragement. Purser Zummo reported that Kushingu, the ship's sorcerer, had gone ashore, none knew whither, and in any case would not be available for help against Uqful until his return.

Kerin yawned; the time was well past midnight, and still Uqful crouched on the ladder with one taloned arm around Nogiri, awaiting a chance to spring up.

"Look me in the eye, mortal," gargled Uqful, swaying its head from side to side. "Ye grow sleepy—sleepysleepy. . . . Soon ye shall be unable to keep your eyes open. . . . Sleep—sleep—sleep. . . ."

Kerin found himself beginning to doze off. He awoke with a jerk of his head. "Stop that!"

"Sleep—sleep—sleep—Cease your struggle and let sweet sleep claim you. Sleep—sleep. . . ."

"What betides here?" said Balimpawang Klung's familiar voice. "I see; ye have trapped one of Pwana's servitors.''

"I can't hold it forever," said Kerin, "but if I let it out, it will carry Nogiri off to the Temple of Bautong. The ship's sorcerer is absent and cannot help. Can you magic the demon back to its own plane?"

"Nay, Master Kerin. Only its master, the accursed Pwana, can do that."

"I blocked its way when it first tried to go down this ladder. So it dematerialized and reassembled itself in Nogiri's cabin. Why can't it carry her out the same way?"

"Because, whilst it can pass through walls in its astral form, it cannot dematerialize your princess to bear her along."

"I've heard they fear sunlight."

"Fifth Plane demons have what we in the profession call an allergy," replied Klung.

"So if I can stay awake and keep it there till dawn, I can strike a deal, to let it go without Nogiri ere the sun rise. But—"

"I have just the thing for you," said Klung, producing a flask from his robe. "Drink this."

Kerin cautiously put the flask to his mouth and tipped it. A lukewarm, slightly bitter fluid issued from the flask. "What's this, a magical potion?"

"Nay; a drink called qahwa. It is a kind of soup made from the berries of a bush that grows in Macrobia, far to the south; and it banishes sleep for a while. I take this flask to meetings of my guild, which oft wax tedious when members argue over rules of admission, dues, and changes in the by-laws."

"How didst happen to come here?"

"I fetched him," came the tiny buzz of Belinka's voice as the little blue light swooped around Kerin. "Seeing you in peril, I flew to his house; but he was off presiding at his magicians' meeting. As soon as he returned, I apprised him of your plight. Whilst I no longer deem myself in your service, I could not let you be destroyed. And now farewell forever!"

"Thankee. Where's Pwana now?"

"Being older than we," said Klung, "the scoundrel needs his sleep. He had departed when I arrived."

"My brother Jorian tells me a professor at the University of Othomae claims Fifth Plane demons do not exist. He says no being of that size and weight could fly, because muscle of beasts is not strong enough to flap the wings of the needed size with adequate vigor. Yet I saw Master Uqful fly to the ship."

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