The Hero's Guide to Being an Outlaw (16 page)

E
lla was the first to go.

Just a few minutes after they’d gotten Rapunzel’s hair wrapped back up, the ladies were paid a visit by the same two bored (but nattily dressed) guardsmen who regularly delivered their meals.

“Guess what we have to give these ladies for lunch today, Simpson?” droned one of the guards.

“I don’t know, Wilford,” mumbled the other. “Could it be more gruel?”

“How did you ever guess?” Wilford said flatly.

When they opened the door to Ella’s cell, she zipped out past them. The guards dropped their trays with a clang and took off in pursuit. They caught her only a few yards down the hall, after Ella conveniently stumbled. “Didn’t really think you could get away, did you?” Simpson said as the men grabbed her arms.

“No cage can hold me!” Ella snarled (a bit overdramatically).

“Is that right?” said Wilford. “Let us see how you like the Chiller.”

Four hours later, when it was time for tea (yes, the Avondellians made sure their prisoners never missed teatime), Lila took her turn. When Simpson handed her a cup, she casually emptied it over his head.

“What did you go and do that for?” the guard said, more confused than angry.

“I’m an evil, wicked criminal, remember?” said Lila. She tweaked his nose.

“That’s it! To the Chiller with you!” Simpson barked.

“Can you do that?” Wilford asked. “There’s already one up there.”

“I don’t see how that makes a difference,” Simpson grumbled. “Let them
both
catch a cold from that horrible draft.” And off they went.

At dinnertime, Snow made her move. “King Bagel is a stinky old ninnyhammer,” she announced loudly as the guards set down her bowl of gruel.

“That’s rather salty language for a lady like yourself,” said Wilford, eyeing her distastefully.

“Who’s this King Bagel, anyway?” Simpson asked. “The one from Svenlandia?”

Snow blinked. “He’s your king,” Snow said.

Simpson pursed his lips. “Now you’re just being sassy. You know very well what our king’s name is.”

“I assure you I do not,” Snow said honestly.

The guards exchanged glances. “You know the penalty for sass,” Wilford said.

Simpson nodded. “Chiller.”

When it came time for dessert, the guards complimented Rapunzel. “After the dreadful behavior exhibited today, we’d like to thank you for being a model prisoner. It’s nice to see a convict who remembers her manners.”

“Thank you,” Rapunzel replied instinctively. “Um, I mean . . .” She frantically scanned her cell, desperately seeking out some mischief to make. Val looked on with bemused curiosity.

“Guards, watch this,” Rapunzel finally said. She grabbed a painting off the wall—a portrait of puppies in tutus—and punched her fist through the canvas.

The guards gasped. “You can’t treat a work of art that way,” said Wilford. “Even a lackluster piece like that.”

Val flashed a thumbs-up, and Rapunzel couldn’t help grinning.

Rapunzel watched as the guards locked the door of the Chiller and headed down the first of many flights of stairs. “Okay, they’re gone,” she said to the others. Then she rubbed her hands along her goose pimply upper arms. “You know, it really is chilly up here.”

Ella, Lila, and Snow waited at the open window, their thin prison dresses serving as poor protection from the nippy autumn wind. A hundred feet in the air, they had a clear view not only of the palace grounds, but of miles of rolling green countryside in all directions, though the setting sun was quickly casting most of that grand vista into shadow.

“It’s getting dark, people. Time to move,” Ella said. “Rapunzel, do you need help with your hair?”

“I’ve got it,” she replied, letting her mega-bun unroll and fill the room. Ella and Lila helped her feed her lengthy tresses over the windowsill. Just as Rapunzel’s hair was dangling outside at its full length, Snow squeaked out a warning.

Fig. 19
The CHILLER

“Someone’s coming!”

“What? Who?” Ella asked, annoyed.

“I don’t know.” Snow shrugged. “But I hear a tippy-tap. And a pitter-patter. Also, a thumpety-thump. And those things usually mean feet. They’re almost here.”

All four women scrambled, gathering around Rapunzel and trying to act as if they were all casually sitting on the windowsill together. When the door swung open, they saw Wilford, covered in some sort of green slime. Next to him was Simpson, his clothing shredded as if he’d been attacked by an angry wolverine. Both men were fuming. They shoved Val into the Chiller, grumbled a few impolite words, slammed the door, and tromped back downstairs.

“You didn’t think I was going to let you ladies escape without me, did you?” said Val.

“You almost ruined everything,” Ella said sharply.

“But I didn’t,” Val said cheerily. “So let’s get on with the breakout, eh?”

Rapunzel looked askance at Val. “I don’t even want to ask what you did to those guards.”

“You sure?” said Val. “’Cause it was pretty amazing.”

“Ooh, I’d like to hear—” Lila began.

“Later,” Ella said forcefully. “Val, if you’re coming, help. If not, stay out of our way.”

“How heavy of a load can your hair handle?” Ella asked Rapunzel.

“I was able to bear Gustav’s weight,” she answered. “So I can probably hold two of you ladies at once. Though maybe not Val. No offense.”

“I’ll go first,” Ella said. “I’ll make sure there’s no trouble afoot on the roof, then signal for Lila and Snow to come down together. Then Val.” She snatched the sheet off the Chiller’s sole cot. “Then Rapunzel jumps, and we catch her in this sheet.”

Rapunzel went white. “On second thought, I’ll just spend the night here. Like you said, the Chiller’s really not so bad. You can come back and rescue me in the morning.”

“Let’s go,” said Ella. “Oh, and if we do happen to run into any guards—”

“I’ll take care of ’em,” Val said, pounding her fist into her palm.

“You will not,” Ella said adamantly.

“Ooh! I can take care of them,” said Snow. “I’m very good at taking care of people. I take care of Duncan all the time after he slips on a banana peel or burns his nose in the oven or gets his hand stuck in a pickle jar.”

“I don’t think that’s the kind of ‘taking care’ she means,” Rapunzel said.

“Oh, I see,” Snow said snippily. “I suppose
you
want the job. Just because you’re a magical healer.”

“Don’t look at me,” Rapunzel scoffed. “I’m not ‘taking care’ of anybody.”

“Why not?” Snow asked, aghast. “You’re a magical healer!”

“I ought to
take care
of the both of you,” Val laughed.

“Wait, now you’re even confusing me,” Lila said. “Are you talking about the good ‘taking care of’ or the bad ‘taking care of’?”

Ella suddenly had much more respect for Liam.
This is what he deals with all the time
, she said to herself.
It’s a miracle the League has ever gotten
anything
done
.

“I’m heading out, people,” she said as she climbed through the window. “Just please don’t do anything stupid.” In the moonlight, she slid down to the dangling ends of Rapunzel’s hair and let herself drop the final fifteen feet to the roof. She landed safely and, balancing carefully on the sloped green tiles, circled the tower, pleased to find no guards stationed on or near the rooftop. She waved up to the others. Lila and Snow rappelled down the side of the tower and dropped, one by one, into Ella’s waiting arms.
So far, so good
.

Val swung one leg over the window but paused.

“Eh, maybe I shouldn’t do this,” Val said. “I’m probably heavier than those three combined. I don’t wanna be responsible for your doom or anything.”

Rapunzel was surprised to find herself offended by the remark. “Look, I chose to be here,” she said. “All this adventure business may be somewhat foreign to me. And deep down, I may wish we were able to settle this whole thing by sitting down and chatting with the Darians over a nice salad. Something with croutons would be nice. But I’m
in
this just as much as Ella, Snow, and Lila. Well, maybe not as much as Ella. Nobody’s in it as much as Ella. But, anyway, um . . . shut your mouth and climb down my hair.”

“Consider it shut,” Val said. And out she went.

Several stories below, Simpson and Wilford tidied themselves up in the washroom. Simpson frowned into a mirror as he tried to smooth out his ravaged coat. Wilford stood over a basin of water, splashing slime off his face. It just so happened that the guards’ washroom had a window that looked out on the Chiller tower. And as Wilford grabbed a cloth to dry his face, his eyes caught movement outside.

“Simpson, look!” he said, pointing.

“Well, I’ll be . . . ,” his partner gasped. “Escaping out of a tower on Rapunzel’s hair! Who could’ve expected that?”

They sounded the alarm.

L
ila gripped Ella’s arm in a panic. “Why is there a bell ringing?” she asked. “A very loud bell?”

“We’ve been spotted,” Ella said anxiously. She called up to Val, “Hurry!”

Val was halfway down the tower when she suddenly felt herself being reeled back upward.
Uh-oh
, she thought.
Still thirty feet up. I can jump that. But, Rapunzel
. . . She held tight and rode the slowly disappearing train of hair back up the tower.

Inside the Chiller, three guards surrounded Rapunzel. One held his sword up menacingly, while the others struggled to haul in the makeshift “escape ladder.” They could tell from the weight that they were reeling in more than just hair. Still, they were not expecting Val to suddenly appear at the window, roar like a bear that had just learned of a worldwide honey shortage, and launch herself at them. She grabbed the two hair-pullers by the arms and slammed them against opposite walls.

“I’ll get you,” the third guard shouted, running for Val with his sword held high. But all he got was a face full of floor, thanks to Rapunzel sticking out her leg to trip him. Val caught the guard’s sword as it flew from his hand. She then scooped Rapunzel up under her left arm and ran back to the window.

“Get that sheet ready!” she shouted, and leapt out.

Ella and the others stretched the sheet taut, but Val and Rapunzel never reached it. Halfway down, their descent abruptly stopped. They were stuck, swinging like a pendulum a good twenty feet from the palace roof.

“Huh?” Val looked up to see the three guards piled in the window, gripping the ends of Rapunzel’s hair. Grunting, the guards began hauling them up once again.

“Does this look painful?” Rapunzel whimpered. “Because it is.”

“You said your hair grows back quick, right?” Val asked. She raised her stolen sword and, with one swift swipe, chopped through Rapunzel’s golden locks. The pair plopped down into the waiting sheet, and the others set them down gently. As Rapunzel stood up wincing, she felt her head. Her hair was now even shorter than Ella’s—and standing straight up.

“Well, that’s different,” she said. The women speedily sidestepped to the edge of the roof.

“Pretty quick thinking there, eh?” Val said proudly.

“Yeah, it was great. Except now we have a new problem,” Ella said, peering over the eaves to the ground below. “We’re still three stories up.”

“You know, I
did
suggest giant eagles,” Snow chided.

The alarm bell rang on, and they could hear muffled shouts below.

“Guys, follow me!” Lila said. “You know how many times I’ve climbed up and down these palace walls?”

The group followed her along the rain gutters to the eastern edge of the roof. Below them were dozens upon dozens of topiaries—bushes and hedges carved into the shapes of various animals. Lila leapt onto the long, curved neck of a shrubbery dragon, climbed down to its leafy back, hopped over to the thick green neck of a topiary grizzly, and then flipped down to the grass. Snow, Ella, and even Rapunzel followed quickly behind her, the not-too-distant shouts and footsteps of angry soldiers spurring them on. When Val attempted the same course, however, the neck of the ersatz dragon snapped and fell. The toppled dragon neck flattened a gnu bush and an echidna shrub, and Val found herself caught up in the branches of a rather thorny gerbil. As the others pulled her free, they all glanced up at the roof they’d just leapt from. Seven frustrated guardsmen were cursing and stomping their feet, having just lost their ability to follow the women to the ground.

“Yeah, that’s right,” Val shouted up at them. “I did that on purpose!”

The women sped off as cries of “Halt!” and “Get them!” filled the night air.

“And now the wall,” Ella said as they moved. A high stone wall—which was painted quite beautifully in sweeping pastel swirls—encircled the entire palace and its lush gardens. “Let’s head for that pear tree behind the animal bushes. I think we can reach the top of the wall if we climb it.”

“Wait—the gate!” Lila whisper-shouted.

Ella froze in her tracks. The ornate wrought iron rear gate, which was only fifty yards off down a flower-lined cobblestone path, was sitting just slightly ajar. “There’s no way they’d leave the gate open,” she said. “It’s got to be a trap.”

“But it’s a whole lot closer,” Rapunzel said. She had a point. They could see the silhouettes of spear-wielding guards rounding the corner of the palace behind them. They changed course and headed for the gate.

“I can’t believe it’s going to be this easy,” Lila said.

Rapunzel frowned. “Have you ever heard of jinxing?”

“That’s the dance where you squat and kick your legs, right?” Snow asked.

“No,” said Captain Euphustus Bailywimple, stepping out of the shadows to block the gateway. His rapier was in his hand. “Jinxing is when you create your own bad luck.”

Val ran at him with her sword, but after one quick-as-a-blink slash from Bailywimple’s blade, she was disarmed. Ella stretched her arms out to either side and stood protectively in front of the others. She glared at the Captain of the Guard, waiting for him to make his move. The three seconds of silence that followed seemed to last a month.

Fig. 20
CAPTAIN EUPHUSTUS BAILYWIMPLE

“Is it true?” Bailywimple finally said.

“Is what true?” Ella asked.

“Everything Princess Lila said—about Briar Rose being alive and the Darians on the attack. Is it true?”

Lila nodded vehemently. “I swear on my life.”

Bailywimple stepped aside. The women stared in confusion.

“What are you waiting for?” he snapped. “I won’t be able to keep them busy forever.”

They didn’t need to be told twice. With the stomps and grunts of approaching soldiers behind them, they dashed out past Bailywimple, who clicked the gate shut behind them. A few seconds later, they could hear him barking at his men: “Why are you wasting your time back here? This gate is locked! They must be hiding among the topiary! Start searching! A reward to the man who captures the fugitives!”

In the gathering darkness, the escapees fled across the open Avondellian countryside.