Authors: Leland Roys
She guessed it was. Her previous self, before she died, that woman would never have considered not wanting answers. She always wanted the truth. She had changed; she felt happy here, maybe happy for the first time ever. Still though, at some point, she had to know. There were so many mysteries; it wasn’t possible not to want answers, even for a dead girl.
• • •
Married
“Do you wish me to stay, miss?”
“Thank you, Godfried. My memory’s starting to come back. You were right. I don’t believe Alex would harm me.”
He smiled, “He never would, miss.”
Her face turned a bit red as he turned to leave. “Godfried?”
“Yes, miss?”
“I still trust you more.” She winked at Alex in full view of both of them.
He really smiled this time. “Yes, miss.”
She could see Alex smile with his head down. Was he laughing? She felt a warmth all around her. She must have felt this way once in her life before, maybe as a child? But she couldn’t remember. She felt amazing now. Maybe that was all the mattered.
It was just the two of them now. She could hear the clock ticking in the other room. It sounded like it was right next to her.
“How long did you stay with me in the bathroom?”
“Oh, only a couple hours, I took you to your room. I promise I didn’t look.”
“Right,” she said with a sarcastic tone and smiled a bit. “Well, I told you to stay. And I fell asleep, thank you.”
“You don’t need to thank me for anything,” he seemed serious.
“Dianne said they had my funeral.”
He nodded.
“So to the outside world, I am dead then. I don’t exist.”
“Yes, I suppose that is true.”
His eyes looked sad again.
“What would you think of me if I didn’t want to know? I don’t mean forever!” She noticed she was almost yelling and tried to calm herself.
“I just mean, is it crazy if I just don’t want to ask questions right now? Can I explain something?”
“Anything.”
“My life. It hasn’t been good. I have a feeling you already knew that. After the car accident, when I was taken away. I went through most of my life not feeling much. Just routine, you know, the daily routine kept me going. It was like I never really was alive.
“So now I’m dead. I don’t know how I am here, but for now, for a while, is it OK if I don’t want to know? It must sound crazy to you.”
“Not in the least. You are safe now, Nikki. There will be time for answers whenever you are ready. Why are you crying?” He looked like he wanted so badly to run over to her, but held back.
“I don’t know. I cry a lot now, I guess. I didn’t used to. It’s weird, even when, well, when really bad stuff happened, I never cried. It seems lately I cry all the time. I’m weak.”
“Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. It means you are alive. Nikki, can I ask you something?”
“You saved my life, remember? So maybe one question. Two if you didn’t look.” Actually she didn’t care if he did. Not that she would ever let him know that.
He smiled. “All right, then, one question.”
She laughed and threw a slice of bread at him. It hit him right in his face. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t know I was such a good aim!”
He laughed hard. “I deserved it.”
Was she flirting with him? She felt so happy inside for some reason; she didn’t want to think about anything bad for now.
“Did you travel much before you died?”
She looked down. “No, I never had any money to travel. The previous me, I mean. She was boring.”
“I doubt she was boring. Remember, I met her. So, New Nikki. Would you like to go to Greece?”
She laughed hard. “In my dreams!” I remember telling my mom that someday I would visit the whole world. I think she believed me.”
“How long do you need to pack?”
“What? Stop messing with me!”
He picked up his cell phone. “Yes. Have the jet fueled and ready. Santorini. In two hours?” He looked at her as if she had a question.
Her hand was shaking. She nodded her head.
“Greece? You’re serious?”
“As serious as I can be with you in those pink PJs.”
“Now? Today! I don’t have a passport, I never had one actually.”
“Check your top dresser drawer; you have a passport. And actually two hours from now if you want to be accurate.” He smiled even more this time.
She felt herself blush as she jumped up and ran to start packing. Pulling the drawer open she saw a box. It wasn’t there a couple of days ago, she was sure of it. She sat down on the soft bed and opened it up.
She pulled out a dark blue passport. She slowly opened it and saw herself. It had a couple of countries stamped inside, places she had never been. There was cash, lots of it. And then she saw it. It was huge, beyond huge. The most beautiful diamond ring she had ever seen. Couldn’t be. Not possible.
She tried it on; it fit perfectly. She tried to talk but nothing came out. She was alone anyway! What was wrong with her? She looked at it closely. She knew enough about diamonds from police raids to tell that it was real, actually real. It couldn’t be. It would be worth — she couldn’t even count that high.
Alex looked stunned at the sight of her as she walked down the stairs. She guessed she probably did look much different after cleaning up. She had been wearing the same set of PJs for weeks. She had finally taken a long shower, fixed her hair, and put on one of the dresses Godfried had given to her.
“You are stunning.”
Did he just blush?
She raised her hand up showing the ring.
“You trust me with this?”
He gave that perfect smile again.
“I trust you with my life, New Nikki. Sometimes, when I travel, I find it is much easier to be married than single. People tend to suspect less.”
She knew this, of course. Her training for undercover work had taught that a married couple was one of the best ways to go unnoticed. People tend to look away from a kissing couple; it’s human nature. Also, people tend to be much less suspicious of married people. — again, using society against itself.
“So we are married then?”
“Only if you wish—”
She looked at the ring, then looked up at Alex.
“Well, for a dead girl you picked a nice ring.” She wouldn’t tell him that it was the most beautiful ring she could ever imagine.
“Remember you’re not dead, you’re new. New Nikki. Nikki New. I think I like that.”
“OK then, Mr. New. Unless you were joking, which I’m sure you were, let’s go to Greece.”
• • •
Lifetimes
So much for the joking. She looked out the jet window as the city lights disappeared into the night sky. Alex was resting beside her. She looked at his arm. She hadn’t been able to see the tattoo yet. Maybe it wasn’t even him anyway. She remembered she wasn’t supposed to ask questions yet. Those were her own rules. She had decided to live for the moment for once, a chance she never had when she was alive. Or, if she did, she had wasted it. She refused to waste it again.
He had said he would answer her questions whenever she was ready. That was enough for her. She trusted him. It made no sense, but she did, and that was what mattered. If she was wrong, then what did it matter anyway? She was already dead.
She smiled and felt so free. Free like the wind for the first time. She was dead and felt the most alive; the most excited she had ever been. Maybe she was meant for this. Maybe she was better off as a dead girl. As she looked around the huge private jet it was clear death better suited her.
She put her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes. No pain; just warmth and the feeling of safety. She tried as hard as she could to remember the last time she felt this way. Her memories didn’t go back that far.
Everything was blurry. They had landed it seemed. She felt a jolt of panic and her eyes flew open. He was still there. She grabbed his hand hard.
“Are you all right? You slept a long time.”
“Yes, I was having a nightmare. I’m fine now.”
“May I ask?”
She felt herself blushing. Should she lie? she wondered.
“I— We were married, we had been for a long time. I woke up and you were gone. I couldn’t find you. No one would help me.” She started to cry. She had finally lost her mind. The emotions still felt real, raw.
“I won’t leave you, Nikki. I promise. Where would I want to go that would be better?”
Her hand was shaking as she held his. This wasn’t like her, she thought; she wasn’t this person.
“Alex, I’m not a tease. You must think I am.”
He started to talk and she cut him off.
“I need to say this.
“When I found out I was dying, my fiancé, he left. He just left. I thought maybe it was because he loved me too much to watch me die, to see me get sick. Later, a month later, I saw him with a girl, eating in a nice restaurant, kissing.”
Her whole body was shaking now.
“I felt so alone at that moment. I had already run out of money. I was cold and hungry. Seeing that he had forgotten me so easily, I felt I had already died. I felt worthless.”
Again, she started to cry. “Alex, I begged him to stay. I begged him, pleaded for him to stay with me until I died. I would have done anything to keep him from leaving.
“How pathetic is that! I think you should know. I am not strong like you might think. I am not confident. I was on the floor, begging like a dog.” She looked away from him.
She felt he was close to her. She slowly looked up.
He kissed her softly. She wasn’t sure at first if it was real. She felt his kindness, his strength. The memories flashed through her mind now. Alex had stayed with her, next to her, while she was dying. She saw him cry for her. He never left her side. He had been there for her when she needed someone the most.
She touched his face for the first time. It was electrifying. She looked into his eyes. She knew he was different; it was true, he had saved her.
“Nikki, look at me.”
She was mesmerized by his eyes. She already was looking.
“I will tell you what pathetic is. Your ex. And I don’t want to know the bastard’s name. He isn’t worthy of a name. He is a coward. He is dirt.
“Nikki, you thought you were dying. Begging someone to be there for you, someone who told you they loved you, that is not pathetic. Trust me, life will not go well for him. I have been around a long time; that kind of guy, he will be the one who dies alone.
“Will you promise me one more thing?”
She nodded.
“Now it’s your turn.”
“My turn?” Nikki asked.
“To forget him.”
She already had.
• • •
Island
He held her as the jet taxied to a stop, not saying a word. She figured he would stay with her forever, right here and there if she asked.
As the door was opened, she could smell the air. It was spectacular. It was the same thing again, like all her senses were on full speed.
“What is that amazing smell?”
“The sweet air of Santorini Island. This is my favorite of the Greek Islands. Let me show you everything — only if you are ready. We can rest here as long as you want.”
“Who are you?” she said, without meaning to again.
He looked confused.
“I’m sorry. I just mean, I don’t think you realize you are not like most guys.”
“Oh, I see.”
“No! I don’t mean in a bad way! I meant to say, you are different in a good way. You seem very kind; it’s just that a lot of guys I used to know were jerks.”
He looked at her with those eyes again. She could feel herself blush. “Well, you are different as well, Nikki. And in a good way.”
Hearing him say her name gave her goose bumps all over; this was so crazy.
Am I back in high school?
she thought to herself! She sure felt like she was.
They got into a Jeep and started to drive along winding dark roads. She realized she had never been outside of the U.S. country before. She had never felt the rush of this much adventure, this much change. The moon was full and the air smelled nothing like New York City. It was as if candy filled all her senses.
She was mesmerized by the moon and the stars when the Jeep came to a stop.
“We have arrived! Your own windmill, Nikki New.”
She walked out slowly and looked at the building. It was shaped like an old windmill, with a huge tower on one end. The vista was breathtaking, with an uninterrupted ocean view.
As Alex talked to the driver, Nikki took time to look around outside. It was a sheer cliff down to the ocean. She could hear the waves crashing against the side. The moon glowed off the water and the sand below.
Maybe I have died,
she thought to herself. Maybe this is heaven. It certainly wasn’t hell. Even more than before, she didn’t feel like asking questions.
They walked inside together. She couldn’t help herself. “Can I climb it?” She was like a kid again.
“Of course!”
She went running up the circular stairs to the top of the tower. Halfway up, she started to laugh. At each turn was a small window and she stopped to look outside. She reached the top — a beautiful room painted in pastel shades and covered in white linen. It was like a dream. “Is this mine?” she yelled down.
She could hear him laughing.
Maybe this is the only bed? Probably. I mean, he did just fly me across the world. What should I expect?
She had slept with guys for a lot less than this. They had just kissed. It was amazing. She had never met anyone even close to him before. He was more than just different. It was like he really was from a different time and place. If it was the only bed, she was OK with that. She felt it. She was falling for him. It was so crazy; she knew it. She was already in love. Her hands started to shake again.
He showed up at the doorway. “Of course, it’s yours. There’s another bedroom on the first floor. Hey, I’m always here if you have another nightmare.”
Did he wink? She could have sworn he did. But he was so hard to read. Such a gentleman, and it seemed so even on the inside. She didn’t think it was an act, especially since he could have killed her by now a hundred times over. What did he want? Nothing? Wait! She promised herself no questions. She thought about it. What made her think he even liked her that way? She was plain compared to him. He could have his choice when it came to women. He was clearly rich and, well, beyond handsome. She felt a bit bad, but then he did save her, somehow, maybe. She was so rough around the edges. He was cultured and seemed so smart. For once, she felt worried that a guy would want only to be her friend.
How the tables had turned,
she thought to herself.