The Filthy Series: The Complete Dark Erotic Serial Novel (18 page)

“Oh my God, run! Hurry! Get the nurse!”

I knew that voice, but I couldn’t look up at him. At Rhett. All I could seem to do was gag and heave up blood from my stomach. The pain was too much. Too intense. And I couldn’t stop.

There were more hands, more people. People talking loudly. Their voices pressing against the inside of my skull until I wanted claw my ears off and make the noises go away. I wanted them to disappear and be gone forever.

Why is there so much pain?

But then I remembered. Even through the pain I could see it. The reflection I’d looked at in the mirror. The fractured poisonous woman who’d looked back at me.
Me.

I’m dead.

The thought came to me, ripping through my head. And then I heard
his
voice. Taylor’s voice. And I knew it was true. Before I blacked out, before I let the pain and the blood carry me back into darkness, I came to realize where I was.

Hell.

I blinked my eyes against dim lights. The pain wasn’t as bad now.
I’m surprised.
I had figured it would only get worse. That was what the stories of hell said, right? I figured I would have been burned in an everlasting fire, but that didn’t seem to be the case either. It made sense really, that hell would be a person’s worst experiences multiplied by a thousand. And that’s what I had felt earlier. However long ago earlier had been.

“I think she’s waking up.”

I sucked in a breath at the sound of that voice. Rhett’s voice. I had heard him earlier.
Why is he in my hell?

Probably to make you watch him fuck Sarah for the rest of eternity.

“Faye?”

I blinked my eyes several times, trying to force the blurry gray room into focus. But then the room wasn’t gray anymore, because all I could see was Rhett. He stood over me. Something warm touched my hand.

His green eyes came into focus, his jaw covered with stubble. “You look so real?” My words sounded like a buzzing bee, barely audible.

He smiled. Yes, he actually smiled. It was a real smile. One of those rare ones I never got to see.
Hell is letting me have a real Rhett smile?

“Here.” Something bumped my lips and I glanced down, realizing it was a white straw in a clear plastic cup. I quickly sucked it into my mouth, practically moaning as the cool liquid ran down my throat.

“You’re okay,” he said as he pulled the cup away. He sat it on a little table next to my bed.

My bed?
I glanced around, the water bringing some sort of clarity I hadn’t had before. I was in a bed. A bed in a plain gray room. A TV was suspended on the wall across from me, playing some muted show. I glanced at my arm and found one of them bandaged with thick white gauze. The other had tubes running out of it, with clear liquid running through them.

I’m in the hospital.

“Rhett’s right. You’re going to be okay.” I glanced up and met gazes with Taylor. He sat in a chair just on the other side of where Rhett stood. He was close. Close enough that if he wanted to reach out and touch my leg he could.

“I’m alive?”

Something hard flickered across Taylor’s features before his mask became neutral again. “Yes.”

Fear swam inside me. It was the same fear she felt. The woman in the mirror. The woman who decided to kill herself. I knew that woman was me. We were connected together, the two of us. The gap between us closing in by the second.

“I was supposed to die.” My voice cracked on the end.

“Shhh.” I glanced up at Rhett. He rubbed his hand back and forth over my bandaged arm. “Let’s not talk about that right now.” He looked concerned, worried. I would have been comforted by it, if Taylor wasn’t sitting just feet away. I could feel his eyes zeroed in on Rhett’s hand. On the way he touched me. It was full of hate. Of resentment.

If I get out of here, he’s going to make me wish I was dead.

A cold sweat covered my body from head to toe as I stared at him. There was a buzzing sound next to me, but I didn’t pay attention to it. All I could see was Taylor. His blue eyes. The way he stared at me. All of his emotions. All the things he wanted to do to me. He would destroy me. He would break me down into something less than I already was.

I have nothing left to lose.

Everything. I have everything.

An ache started just between my eyes and made me suck in a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut to try and block out the pain.

Rhett’s hand rubbed against mine. “You’re okay, you’ve lost a lot of blood, along with everything else…” His voice shook. “But you’re okay now.”

I touched my hand to my head trying to rub away the hurt.

“I’m supposed to be dead.” My words were stronger now. Bitter. Hatred seeped into them. I couldn’t get anything right. I couldn’t even kill myself. I fucked everything up.
Everything.

“But you’re not. And that’s a good thing.” Rhett’s voice was full of emotion, the sound unrecognizable. I glanced up, meeting his eyes. I didn’t see the hate I was accustomed to. It was just him. Just Rhett. The good Rhett. The one I dreamed about.

The buzzing sounded again and this time I realized it came from Rhett’s pocket. He reached inside and pulled out his cell phone.

“Dammit, I really need to take this.” He gave me an uncertain look, as if he didn’t really want to leave. “I’m just going to step outside. I’ll be right back, Dad will stay in here with you.” He patted my arm and turned away.

“No.” The word was out of my mouth before I could think about it. But he didn’t hear me, pressing the phone to his ear and heading out the door. “No.” I said the word again, but he was already gone and I was alone. Alone with him. With Taylor.

Panic was like a spotlight beneath my skin. It illuminated my fears, highlighting them in its cold glow.

“No. No. No. No. No. No.” My lips trembled. I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t look at him. I stared down at my arm. At the bandage. At the tubes running into the other. If I didn’t look at him maybe he would disappear. Maybe this wasn’t real.
Yes, that’s what it is!
It was the only explanation. It couldn’t be real.
Or maybe this is hell.

A bubble of laughter escaped my lips as I flexed my wrist, pain snaked up my arm.

“We need to talk, Faye baby.”

I jumped. He was right next to me. Somehow he had moved without me noticing. He was standing over me. Like Rhett had, only it was different with him. I wasn’t comforted. I wasn’t filled with a longing. The only thing I could feel was fear.

“No!” I shirked away until my shoulder hit the bed railing.

“Why are you moving away? I’m not going to do anything.” He held his hands up revealing that they were empty, before leaning toward me.

“Don’t. Please.” I closed my eyes. “Don’t touch me.”

“Don’t touch you?” His words were hostile.

“I can’t do it. I can’t do it. I can’t do it.” Suddenly I was back there. I was in his bed. The bed he shared with my mother. The bed that had become home. The bed where I cried. Where I came. Where I snorted coke off Taylor’s hand. Where I begged him to save me. Where I spoke words of love that I didn’t mean. Where he held the knife. The shiny switchblade that glittered in the light until it didn’t anymore. Until it was red. Soaked. Covered in the little pieces of me he sliced away. “Not again.”

I heard myself speak the words. As if I was someone else. Just a third party. Just a girl looking in. Looking on that sad girl. The one she saw in the mirror. The one who wanted to die, but couldn’t even get that right. I watched her. The poisonous one. I watched as she opened her eyes. She looked up at him. At the man who whittled away at her until there was nothing left.

That girl ripped the bandage off her arm. She didn’t even look down at the newly stitched wound. The wound that was deep enough to nearly kill her. She dug her dirty fingernails into the precisely sewn threads and ripped at her skin until they tore free. It hurt her. I saw her wince. The girl. But he didn’t see. He tried to stop her. But he couldn’t. The wound was torn open, the blood was everywhere all at once. And she was jerking out her IV, yanking the line free of her arm.

And the entire time her lips moved. Over and over she said the words.
“Never again.”

THREE

I woke up, my head, my limbs aching. It actually was strange that I noticed. No one actually thinks about waking up. But I did. Today I thought about it. I didn’t wake up in that gray room to Taylor standing over me.

I woke up alone. The little room had yellow walls, a wooden desk, a chair, a brown door with a window, but from my position in bed I couldn’t see what the window revealed. Plain and empty. That’s what it was. I tried to push my hair out of my face, but I couldn’t. My hands were bound to the sides of the bed by some sort of material. I blinked at it. At the bandage on my arm. What happened didn’t come rushing back to me all of the sudden. Not this time. It was already there. In my mind. I knew why I was tied up. It was to keep me from trying to do it again. From trying to kill myself. I had tried again. Again I had failed.

The door opened.

I sucked in a breath when Rhett was revealed in the doorway. He stood there looking every bit as normal as I last saw him. A little scruff on his face. Jeans on his legs. A tight shirt clinging to his muscles. He was beautiful. Normal.
Maybe I finally made it to heaven?

“You’re awake.” He closed the door behind him and pulled the chair up to the bed.

“I am.” I reached to move my hair so I could see him better, but again the material straps hindered me.

“I got it.” He smoothed the strands behind my ear.

“Is he here?” I didn’t want to ask. I didn’t want to talk about him. But I had to know.

“Who?” He frowned.

I swallowed. “Taylor.”

“No…” He eyed me with concern. “I wouldn’t let him come. The doctors suggested he should stay away.”

A sense of calm settled over me and I relaxed into the pillows at my back.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why don’t you want him here? Why did you do this, again? Why…” He pressed his fist against his mouth as if he was forcing himself to shut up. “You don’t have to answer that. They told me I couldn’t ask questions about it. They said it would upset you. They didn’t even want me to come.” He spoke quickly. “They weren’t going to let me. They said I couldn’t. That it was best for you to be alone. But fuck that. I couldn’t let you just wake up in here by yourself.”

“Where is
here
?”

Rhett let out a deep breath. “This is Landview Psychiatric Hospital.”

“A place for crazy people?” I couldn’t help but giggle. It made sense that I would be here. A crazy house. I was crazy wasn’t I? Psychotic. That must be what I was. It was the only conclusion. The only answer.

“You’re not crazy. It’s just until you get better. Until your head gets straight. They’re going to put you on medicine soon. Medicine to help with the withdrawals. They’re going to help you get clean and better.”

“Clean?” The ache under my skin was nothing new, but it was there. Apparent and glaring at me. “I can’t get clean, Rhett. I need it. I need the coke.” Panic flared again.

“That’s just what you think. They’re going to help you get over that and get through this.”

“No, Rhett. You don’t understand. You don’t get how much it hurts.” As if on cue the pounding in my head seemed to worsen. “I can’t stay here. Not without the drugs. I need them,” I said frantically pulling at my wrists.

“He said you would do this. That you would beg for it.” He rubbed his temples. “I just wasn’t prepared for it.”

“Who? Who said that?”

“Dad.” He glanced up at me and there was real sadness in his eyes. “How did it get this bad, Faye? How did I not see it? How did I let you get so far gone that you wanted to die?”

This was it. My chance. My opportunity to tell the truth. I could tell him how it got so bad. How I turned to fucking strangers and doing drugs to replace the feel of Taylor’s hands on me. How I did it all to dull the pain of the past. Of losing my baby. Of the torture.

I stared into his eyes. They were so green. That kind of green that gets lighter toward the middle with little hints of honey color right around the pupil. They were a dreamer’s eyes. He’d had dreams once. Of doing things different. Of swimming in the ocean with manatees and sharks. Of studying them as his life’s work. That sparkle was still there, that hope of different world, a different outcome, a better tomorrow. I wondered if I had ever had that sparkle, or if I had always been this beaten down pulp of a person.