Authors: Jessica Callaghan
Now I was making the most of our reunion, taking in every bit of him. I wanted to see every inch of his body. I wanted to be the centre of his world again. I had to go back to a time where he needed me the way I needed him.
He drew blood several times with his scratches, drinking from me each time. He made a neat cut along the raised veins on his wrist and I licked the blood away from the wound. This erotic moment brought back the night he had made me his mate for eternity. It had seemed so long ago but now every detail of the night was brought back to me.
I don’t think we rested for a single moment. I made sure to have my hands on him every second, running my fingers through his hair or stroking his cheek.
We lay together until sunrise. I had never felt so drained of energy. Every muscle and bone ached and screamed at me to rest but I couldn’t. Gabriel was more of an addiction for me than blood. If he told me to stay at home, to stop hunting until the point of death, I would do it just to please him. If he told me to stay with him until sunrise and lay out on the open rooftops I would do it.
I was hooked on him. It was partly due to our connection: I knew that a sire’s bond to their creation was a mystical, ancient bond that was enigmatic and extremely powerful, but I felt as if our link went even deeper. Gabriel and I were lovers as well as mates and this made it even harder to leave him. I had been connected to him as a mortal and as a vampire, and so it was almost impossible for me to control my emotions around him.
I thought about the days I had been apart from him. A moment resurfaced in my head while Gabriel kissed along the crease in my neck. I had thought about leaving him, about killing myself to get away from him. In a moment of reckless abandon I had even considered facing up to my vampire follower, just to experience something in this period of depression.
I felt a surge of guilt. How could I have ever wanted to leave him, even for a second? Gabriel gripped my arm with such strength that he left deep indentations in my arm. For a second the sharp pain eased my guilt.
I could feel the prickling sunrise growing stronger and I knew we probably had only minutes before we had to go to sleep. Gabriel felt it too and he moved away, stretching on the silky sheets with his hands resting behind his head.
I felt as if something had been torn away from my body. I wanted to feel his skin on mine again, to experience the aggression of his kiss and the pain of the blood being drawn. The sun was the only thing that could stop me from spending the next few hours just gazing at him.
I saw his eyes close and took those precious few seconds to survey his face. I felt so proud that this man loved me. He felt such passion for me that he had consumed my blood. He had been so desperate to be with me that he had been left at the point of exhaustion by his efforts. I was the only thing he had thought of for the whole night.
The emotion of the night, mixed with the lingering feelings of guilt, overwhelmed me and I felt a tear fall down my cheek. I had to sleep. The night had been too much for me. I closed my eyes and let the tears flow, but they weren’t tears of sadness. I was truly happy that night as I slept in my rightful place: by Gabriel’s side.
I woke up the next morning in the same spot. My muscles were stiff and my head was pounding, more from exhaustion than the usual heart beats. The cuts and scrapes which had lined my whole body had faded into small lines and scars. That is one of the many perks of being a vampire: super human healing. With a strong infusion of blood I would be back to normal in no time.
I had a terrible, pounding migraine. Gabriel was already awake and as I stretched across the duvet the memories of the previous night came flooding back. Everything was back to normal. We had fallen asleep in each other’s arms again and everything had slipped back into place. My life had returned to the perfect vision I had held since I was 13 years old.
“I have such a headache. I feel like a human with a hangover.” I said, my new happiness perfectly evident with my positive tone. My pain was strong, but it was no match for my newly restored happiness.
He nodded his head and rubbed the fading wound on his wrist. He was older than me, and as a reward for living so long his wounds healed much faster than my own. His scar was almost gone.
“Yeah, it’s probably my blood. You gave me lots of yours which should weaken you, but you also took from me. I’ve been around for so long that my blood should strengthen you, leave you on a high. The mix of the two has left you in a bit of a confused state. Strong on the inside, weak on the outside I guess.”
I felt completely back to normal. I imagined we would go out and hunt together, spending our night finding victims together now that we were a unit again.
Even as he finished his explanation I was already beginning to feel better. Blood was coursing around my veins, Gabriel’s blood to be exact. I practically leapt out of bed, planning the night’s outfit in my head. I wanted to look perfect for our first night together since our renewal.
I caught sight of myself in the mirror. My body was covered in small, faded bruises and I had dark purple rings under my eyes. This was the result of a night without human blood. Gabriel had taken far more from me than I had from him and I began to feel the effects of the weakness he had mentioned.
Gabriel got out of bed and surveyed himself in the mirror. I put my hand over his and interlocked our fingers, my thumb absentmindedly rubbing his. The gesture was comforting for me. I took it as a sign that we were close again, as we should be.
Gabriel pulled his hand away from mine and took a step away, laughing to himself. I looked at him properly and realised his expression didn’t match my joy. He still had that cold look on his face.
“You know, that didn’t mean anything Louisa. I haven’t forgiven you.” The laughter grew louder, as if he was teasing me for being so foolish.
I don’t really know what I had expected. I had hoped that our night together had been a sign of a reconciliation but here he was, laughing at the mere thought. I didn’t understand it. Nothing he did made any sense to me anymore. There had been a time when every action he took had reached a comfortable level of predictability as we spent every moment together, but now I didn’t understand anything he did.
“I thought...
you
kissed
me
. You started it.” I was falling apart. I couldn’t even get my words out in sentences anymore. “Why did you sleep with me if you didn’t want to be with me?”
Gabriel didn’t even consider replying. I felt the power and excitement fade away just seconds after it had been raging through my body.
He smiled and took my hands but his touch wasn’t warm and comforting. It was dead.
“The way you spoke to me. It surprised me. You were so powerful. Vampires are more intense than you can even dream of Lou and...” he touched my hair with a fingertip, his lips lingering inches in front of me. “...I couldn’t resist you. That doesn’t mean things are back to normal.”
He kissed me on my forehead and walked away. It felt like he was abandoning me, turning his back on our relationship and everything we had shared. I wanted to cry out to him, to beg him to love me. I wished time would rewind back to a time when we shared nothing but love.
Everything had gone wrong. Our relationship was back at step one, some awkward phase that neither of us could break through. Gabriel brushed past me, completely ignoring me. He grabbed a shirt and threw it over his naked torso.
“I’m going out to hunt.” He shouted over his shoulder, striding out of the door and leaving me.
This was the last straw. Gabriel had left me alone one too many times. It was time to get used to a life on my own. I wouldn’t spend any more time locked in a bathroom feeling sorry for myself. I was going to become my own vampire.
**
It may have taken me seven months but I was finally becoming comfortable as an independent predator.
I would wake up every night and get myself ready for the hunt. I still used the wardrobe in the bedroom even though I now slept in the study. I had managed to find materials to close off the windows and so now it made a homely nest, much more comfortable than the bath tub.
I changed in the bedroom every night. Sometimes Gabriel would be in there too but when he was, no conversation passed between us. I would change whether he was in the room or not, and although I could feel his eyes roaming my body, neither one of us made a sound.
We lived together in the same nest every night but we didn’t even speak, in fact we barely even looked at each other. I was even starting to find that he had slipped from my mind, and I didn’t think about him nearly as much as I used to.
When I went out on the hunt I thought about the blood, and that was it. When I had hunted with Gabriel he had been older and far more experienced so I had been his willing student. Now I hunted alone and so I was the most experienced. I was the only one who could find a victim. I was the one who had to dispose of the body. When I was out on the hunt I thought only of my potential victims, not of Gabriel or our dynsfunctional life.
When I returned to the nest I would relax and the only thoughts in my head would be of the night, not Gabriel. Sometimes he was on the sofa reading, other times he was still out, but either way I didn’t talk to him or think about him. On the surface I didn’t need him anymore.
It was only when I went to sleep at night, just as I was drifting off, that I thought of him. His face would appear in my mind and the nights we’d spent together plagued my thoughts. It was those moments that made me realise what I’d lost now that Gabriel refused to talk to me. I was independent, but part of me wanted nothing more than to lie in his arms again.
I still loved him, even after all the pain and torment he’d put me through. I tried so hard not to but I couldn’t stop and I already knew I couldn’t leave. I was trapped in this cycle of misery.
One night, a few weeks after our physical reconciliation, I went into the bedroom and found him lying sprawled out on the bed, the picture of relaxation. I was about to get my clothes when I heard him clearing his throat.
I made myself look at him. It hurt me to acknowledge him when I knew I couldn’t have him. To my surprise he got up from the bed and kissed me. For a second I was knocked off my feet.
“Lie down with me.”
I couldn’t deal with this anymore. He was using me, playing with me, but I had let my guard down and he knew that I wanted to be close to him more than anything. Even though I knew it was wrong, I let him lead me on to the bed.
“You know you need me, Lou.”
I didn’t need to be told twice. I let myself relax as he kissed me. I tried to forget the past and focus on the moment, forcing down the unlikely ray of hope his attention restored in me.
After he was finished he got up and went out, ready for the hunt, but of course he didn’t take me with him. He wanted to hunt alone and it was clear he didn’t need me, so I was to hunt alone too.
Every night that week I joined him in his bed. All he had to do was ask and I would join him without hesitation. After we finished I would leave him and return to my own room for the night, or go out and hunt before returning to the flat alone.
I hated what I was becoming. The girls who rushed back to a destructive partner always disgusted me, but a vampire bond is complex. All I wanted, all I had ever wanted, was to be with Gabriel. My purpose was to love him and have him love me in return. I knew Gabriel was using me, but being with him when he would cast me aside was better than not being with him at all.
After that week he didn’t ask me back to his room anymore. He was at the apartment even less than normal, and I knew I was losing him. The rare times he looked at me, his gaze was empty. I knew that somewhere deep down he had to have feelings for me, but if he did then he didn’t show me anything.
My life was empty. I longed for a companion, someone who wanted to be around me no matter what. I wanted the old Gabriel back, but it wasn’t going to happen, not anytime soon at least, and I had to resign myself to that.
It was all my fault anyway. If I hadn’t killed Ben and lied about it, then he would never have had to shun me. I brought it all on myself and now I had to live with the devastating consequences.
Compared to my previous home, London is a vast place. From the vampire perspective it’s almost perfect. You can go from street to street during the hunt and never meet the same people twice. The world is your oyster has never been a more appropriate phrase.
I had spent my whole human life in small, countryside towns where everyone knows everyone else, where it takes an hour to travel to the nearest city. Towns like that are great for humans, but they’re no place for a vampire.
I suppose that’s why I fell in love with London so quickly. The bright lights were seductive, and the noise of the crowds drew me in. I also relished the anonymity that came with a big city. I could disappear into the crowd and only draw attention to myself when I chose to.
While Gabriel ignored me, the only solace I found was in the hustle and bustle of the streets. I spent my time brushing past unsuspecting humans and hiding in the shadows as I watched them scramble to identify the supernatural being who had just touched them, the creature they had glimpsed out of the corner of their eye.