The Death of Lila Jane (12 page)

August 16, 2015
  

I didn’t want to go back to the room. Not tonight. Not ever. I was beyond pissed at Lila, but mostly at myself.

              It was already after midnight but the promise of a new day didn’t diminish the dread I’d been feeling. Or maybe it wasn’t dread at all. Maybe it was something more.

There was no way out of this that I wouldn’t be the bad guy. If I sent her home, it would crush her and if I kept her here, I would ruin any chance she had for a happy future.

Street performing only got us by day by day and no one was going to hire Lila at her age, not to mention the fact that people were probably looking for her. I would never be able to get us out of the hole I’d dug. But I couldn’t go back. Daven, even if he would accept me, didn’t need someone like me around. He had enough shit dumped on his plate.

I had to figure out what I was going to do. Thinking about my future was something new to me. I’d never had a plan and now I was running out of options.

I slapped cash on the bar to pay my tab and leave a tip before stumbling out into the street.

Pulling out a cigarette, I lit it and blew out a cloud of smoke as I wandered down the street, nodding hello to the people I passed by, occasionally pausing to watch a street performer or listen to a good song that played in one of the bars.

But nothing could keep my mind from Lila and as I started back at the hotel, I even thought I heard her voice.

My eyes searched the street and I noticed an older guy talking to a girl. I knew it couldn’t be her, but it didn’t look like she was responding to his advances and he wasn’t letting up.

Taking a final drag of my cigarette, I flicked the butt to the ground and walked toward the commotion.

“I’m not drunk,” I heard Lila slur and she was most definitely drunk.

“What are you doing?” I asked as she rolled her eyes and the guy spun around to face me.

“None of you fucking business,” he snapped and I shook my head. Great.

“It is my business, actually.” I nodded toward Lila. “She’s my business.”

“I’m not your… your… anything!”

I rolled my eyes and focused my attention back on the guy who was clearly too old for Lila.

“She disagrees, asshole.” He turned around to continue to harass Lila, ignoring me.

“Listen. It’s been a really long night and I just want to go back to my room and go to bed. I can’t do that with her.”

“What a coincidence,” he chuckled. “I’d like to take her to bed with me too.”

Clenching my jaw, I twisted my neck from side to side, cracking it, struggling to not lose my temper.
When was the last time I actually tried not to get in a fight? What the hell was this girl doing to me?

“That’s funny.” I laughed but there was no humor in my voice. “Lila, let’s go.” I stepped around him and grabbed her arm but she yanked it free from my grip, stumbling over her own feet.

“She doesn’t want to go with you,” the asshole, whose life expectancy that was dwindling faster than Lila’s coherence, snapped, shoving hard against my chest.

“She doesn’t have a choice and if you touch me again, you’re going to regret it,” I warned, holding out my hand for Lila. She looked down at my palm, uncertain if she wanted to finally just give in. “Lila, I’m sorry, alright? Let me take you back to the room.”

Her teeth had raked over her bottom lip before she slid her fingers over mine. I smiled with relief but as we began to walk away, the stranger just couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

“Whatever. I didn’t want that ugly bitch anyway.”

I turned around, feeling every nerve ending in my body come alive as adrenaline pumped through my body like nitrous oxide through a racecar. 

I released Lila’s hand as I swung, hitting the jerk on the left side of his nose. I could feel it give way under my knuckles as blood sprayed from his nostrils. His body hit the pavement and he yelled out a few more curse words but none of them were insults to Lila. Problem solved.

“Hey,” A deep voice called from the parking lot across the road.

“Shit!” I grabbed Lila’s hand and pulled her along as I ran between the old buildings.

“Why are we running?” She whined but I didn’t let her slow down.”

“If we get arrested, we’re screwed.” I dug the room key from my pocket and hurried to twist it in the lock. We fell inside, barely able to contain our breathing as I closed the door behind us.

“Fuck. That was close,” I panted, as I moved the curtain to the side to see if anyone was following us but the parking lot looked empty.

“Oh God,” Lila groaned.

“What?” I hurried to her side just as the color drained from her face. “The running.” Her hand went to her stomach and she doubled over.

Guiding her into the bathroom, she bent over the toilet just as the contents of her stomach resurfaced.

I held her hair and rubbed my hand over her back until she finally calmed down, before carrying her to bed and filling a water bottle for her.

“I feel like I’m dying,” she groaned as I slid into the bed beside her.

“I won’t let that happen,” I reassured her just as she passed out.  

August 16, 2015
  

I woke up covered in a thin sheen of sweat, my heart racing inside of my chest.

              “Whats wrong?” Kaden sat up, the blanket falling down and exposing his bare chest. He rubbed the heel of his hand against his eye as he struggled to stifle a yawn.

“Panic attack,” I panted as I pushed my hair from my face.

“What? What can I do?” He asked as he threw off the cover.

“I need my medicine.” It felt like my skin was crawling.

“Shit,” Kaden pushed off the bed and grabbed my bookbag, digging through it as the contents fell to the floor around him. “I can’t find them.”

“That’s because I left them at home. I’m so stupid.”

“You left your medicine at
home
? Why would you do that?” The anger in his voice only made me feel worse. He swiped something from the ground and turned it over in his hand. “You brought Romeo and Juliet but you didn’t bring your medicine?”

“It’s a required read this year,” I yelled, dragging my fingers through my tangled hair.

“Lila, are you planning on commuting back to school every day?”

“Stop yelling at me!” I grabbed my head in hopes of being able to stop it from thumping.
I’m never going to drink again.

“I’m sorry,” he groaned as he circled the bed and knelt down next to me. Sinking to his knees, he stroked my hair as he looked me in the eyes. “You’re fine. Everything is fine. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I promise.”

I nodded, the anxiety in my body dissipating as it was being replaced with something else… butterflies. He pulled me against his chest, banding his strong arms around me as he held me, whispering into my ear.

“You’re okay. Everything is okay.”

I closed my eyes, getting lost in the moment, surrounded by Kaden. His touch, his smell. It was all consuming. I was very aware he was in nothing but a pair of blue boxers and me in my panties and his too large t-shirt.

“I know it hurts but you just have to accept it. Embrace it. Pain lets you know you’re still alive.”

“That sounds awful.”

“Yeah, well. Some of us had had some pretty bad shit happen to us. Sometimes that was what got me through.”

“Like this?” I asked as I ran my fingertip lightly over the jagged scar on his ribs. He shuttered and goosebumps trailed my touch.

“That tickles,” he smirked before his smile fell. “I had a rough time, even after my mom left my dad. I spent a lot of years learning to defend myself.”

“Now, you start the fights?” I asked, cocking my eyebrow.

“Some days you’re the predator, and sometimes you’re the prey. But don’t worry. I won’t let anyone hurt you. You’re safe.”

Kaden pulled back from me and searched my face. I gave him a small smile to let him know I was alright but instantly regretted it as his arms left my body.

“What brought that on?”

“I dunno. I was having this dream about being late for school and… it was so stupid.”

Brushing the hair back from my forehead, he gave me a weak smile. “It’s not stupid. You’re fifteen. Those are the things that are supposed to make scared, not worrying where we are going to stay or how we will make money.”

“I haven’t changed my mind, Kaden.”

“I know you haven’t.” He pushed to his feet and held out his hand to me. I slid my fingers in his and let him pull me to my feet with little effort. “Go splash some cold water on your face. It will make you feel better.”

I went into the small, dimly lit bathroom and ran the water in the sink as I looked over myself. Exhaustion was written all over my face nad my brain felt like it was zapping itself, a not so subtle reminder that I’d missed taking my medications.

My thoughts went to my mother and how mad she would be when she noticed I hadn’t taken them with me. I laughed to myself at how stupid that was but my smile faded when I thought about my brother. I hated that my parents couldn’t see that he was hurting and needed help. He was probably laying in a hospital bed right now all alone.

“You okay?” Kaden was leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest. He had pulled on a pair of jeans now and they hung low on his hips, exposing a thick band of blue from his boxers.

“I’m fine now. Thanks.”

His nodded but his expression still showed how concerned he was. “The sun is up. You want to go for a walk?”

“Yeah. I don’t think I’ll be able to go back to sleep anyway.” I shrugged before splashing some cold water on my face. 

His gaze had dipped to my legs before he took a step back. “I’ll give you some privacy.” He disappeared. Leaving me alone with my guilt.

Pulling his shirt over my head, I inhaled deeply as the cotton slid against my face. The scent of Kaden was growing addicting and I wondered if he noticed the way he was making me feel.

***

August 16, 2015
  

I rushed through a lukewarm shower, hating the tiny bar of soap that the hotel provided for washing. I missed my loofa and creamy scented washes.

The towel was well worn and had a lingering smell of bleach. I wrapped it carefully around myself, holding it tight to my chest so I wouldn’t accidentally give Kaden a show.

He was perched on the end of the bed, his eyes glued to the news on the small television. He did a double take when he saw me, standing quickly as if he wasn’t sure what to do. My skin was covered in goosebumps from the chilly air of the room and water dripped from my hair to the dingy carpet.

“I could have brought you some clothes,” he stammered.

“I should have remembered to take them with me.” I held my towel with one hand as I bent down, sifting through my belongings.

I settled on a tank top and jean shorts. Kaden disappeared into the bathroom and I quickly wrapped the towel around my long hair before pulling on my clothing. The fabric stuck to my still damp skin but it would feel nice when we stepped out into the muggy midmorning heat.

When he stepped out of the bathroom, he had a towel wrapped around his waist but it was barely large enough to cover him. My eyes instantly when to the muscles near his hips that formed a V and disappeared below the swath of fabric.

“Do you mind? I’m not a piece of meat,” he joked and I stiffened before spinning around to face the door to the outside.

“Shit! I’m sorry.” But I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face. Just that site alone had made this entire trip worth it though I’d never tell him that. He didn’t need any more girls to stroke his ego.

“Don’t worry. I don’t blame you,” he whispered next to my ear, and I jumped as his hands came down on my shoulders. “Jesus, Lila, calm down. I’m just messing with you.”

“Yeah,” I spun around to face him before putting some distance between us. He was wearing his jeans now but he still hadn’t put a shirt on. “I know. It’s just annoying,” I fumbled over my words, wishing I had said something more clever. But my mind instantly went back to the kisses we’d shared. I hadn’t been able to think about much else.

All of this constant inner turmoil was beginning to get to me. I found myself missing the simpler times when all I needed to worry about was keeping my room clean. Being what I perceived as a typical teenager, was exhausting.

Kaden was consistently hot and cold and just when I’d think we are getting closer, he’d push me away. I wished I could talk to Bridget about how I was feeling, or even my mother. I never realized how much I relied on her guidance until I didn’t have it anymore.

“I thought we could venture a little further than the Quarter today if you’re up to it.” He pulled his gray shirt over his head before slipping on his socks and sneakers.

“Isn’t it kind of sketchy? You’re always telling me how dangerous it is.”

“I’ll be with you.” He smiled. “And I think most of the bad guys sleep until at least noon,” he joked, flashing me a lopsided grin.

“Let’s do it.” I grabbed my oversized sunglasses and slipped them onto my face as he shook his head.

He held out his hand and I intertwined my fingers with his as we stepped out into the already too warm sun. If I could wake up every day like this, I’d die a happy woman.