The Dark-Hunters (870 page)

“The best thing since sliced bread” or “You’re toast” have nothing on these fabulous truths the Greeks have been spouting for centuries. Here are a few for you—literally translated, of course, for the highest humor quotient—and explained for your enjoyment and further confusion.

Go on, try one on Artemis next time you see her. She might be impressed. (She might also squash you like a bug … but that’s Artie for you.)

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BUY SHOES WITH YOUR EYES SHUT.

There it is in black and white, folks: proof that women and their addiction to shoes is an honored, worldwide tradition dating back centuries. The root of this one, however, highlights the importance of function over beauty. Believe it or not, the best shoes for your feet are not necessarily the best-looking. Just like the most reliable car is not always the flashiest or most expensive. Just like the most wonderful guy is not always the sexy god with the tawny skin and the washboard abs and the haunting eyes and the—

On second thought, I might have to contemplate that one for a while.

THE MORE YOU STIR, THE WORSE IT SMELLS.

The more Daimons you hunt, the more you scare up. The more you poke at a sore, the more it bleeds. The deeper you dig into a scandal, the more dirt-covered skeletons you tend to uncover. The more you learn about the gods in order to use that knowledge against them, the more creatively they will find ways to curse you (so sayeth the Oneroi). The more you fight, the more your opponent resists. Out of the frying pan, into the fire. It can only go from bad to worse.

And all that.

WHERE YOU HEAR THERE ARE A LOT OF CHERRIES, BRING A SMALL BASKET.

This is actually sound advice from an economic point of view. Say Tabitha Devereaux’s store just got overshipped a pallet of fabulously sexy and irresistible lace undies in all sizes, and she’s selling them all at 75 percent off. Well, you just heard this from Sunshine Runningwolf, who, bless her pink-lovin’ little heart, can’t keep a secret if her life depended on it … and there are more than a few streets between the one on which you’re currently standing and Tabitha’s sultry shop. Who knows how many people already know about this fabulous offer?

Chances are, they all do. And they’re all your (or your girlfriend’s) size.

This saying doesn’t advise you to not head down to the store—a Greek would never pass up a bargain!—but don’t expect to leave the shop carrying a bag overflowing with a thousand-and-one wicked little surprises for your lucky partner.
You’ll
be lucky if you get one decent, unblemished pair out of the insanity. And you’ll be extra-lucky if they don’t chafe or ride up into unmentionable places. Not that actually wearing them is the point, of course …

WHERE YOU ARE, I WAS AND WHERE I AM, YOU WILL BE.

This phrase is often said by the all-knowing-and-powerful world-weary gods who like to remind the rest of us immortal whippersnappers from time to time that we did not in fact invent treachery, betrayal, tricksters, curses, or sex. Especially sex.

LOOK WITH FOUR EYES.

No, it doesn’t mean put your glasses on—though that would certainly be helpful to people who
do
need glasses to see anything. What this phrase means is look once, and then look again. Look carefully. Look with your mother’s eyes. Examine things, and don’t let the smallest detail escape your attention. Take everything in, and make a note of it. If you’re looking for something, you will find it. If you’re witnessing something important, there are always useful blackmail implications later on.

YOU MADE IT LOOK LIKE YOUR FACE.

This one is a
serious
insult, and should never be used lightly. The first thing it assumes right off the bat is that the person you are insulting is dog-ugly (no offense to any Weres who might be reading this). The second thing it implies is that this person did such a shoddy job on whatever it was he just finished, that the result is no better than the previous aforementioned dogface. He’d be better off getting a job at a freak show and running away with the circus. Or he could …

GO BE A VILLAGE POLICEMAN!

The village cop is, I am to understand, one of the least-desired and most thankless jobs in the world. You don’t have to pass a test or be a rocket scientist (at least, you didn’t used to)—pretty much all you have to do was fit the uniform. If someone you know is
so
incredibly worthless that being a village policeman would be a step up for him … well, I wouldn’t be asking him to look after your cat while you’re out of town, if I were you. He’s one beer short of a six-pack, if you catch my drift.

SHE MADE HIM A HAMALI.

A
hamali
is the Turkish word for stevedore, a dock worker, a position considered the lowest class of laborer. (I’m not sure which is worse, a stevedore or a village policeman, but I’m not sure it matters much. I’m just glad I’m neither.) Contrary to the village policeman comment, however, this saying is not insulting the man in the relationship. This saying implies that the woman in question did not support her husband enough, and as a result he has not lived up to his full potential. In Greek custom, it is very important that a wife supports her husband above all. If she does not believe in him and stand behind him, then she is not a good wife.

IF THE CROW IS BAD HIS SON WILL BE, TOO.

An ancient Greek saying that essentially means “Like father, like son” or “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” If you’ve got bad blood in your family, it will be automatically assumed that you’re cut from the same cloth. People will be on their guard. They will lock their doors and spit at your feet. They will judge you before you can even open your mouth to utter a greeting or kind word.

Now do you understand why Valerius the Younger had so much trouble getting folks to warm up to him?

THE PRIEST’S CHILDREN ARE THE DEVIL’S GRANDCHILDREN.

Following on families and bad seeds … everyone knows what they say about the son of a preacher man. Well, they say it in Greece, too. Of course, it also implies that the priest is the son of a devil … or that the priest’s wife is … a sentiment that might not go over too well with your new neighbors.

ON A DEAF MAN’S DOOR YOU CAN KNOCK ALL DAY.

I like using this one when trying to explain to someone what reasoning with a god is like. You can present evidence and bring witnesses and signed documents and other gods and talk until your tongue bleeds and
still
they will go do whatever they want to do. It’s like talking to a brick wall, that deaf man’s door. You may as well quit knocking; you’re just going to skin your knuckles.

ONLY THE MOUNTAINTOPS NEVER MEET.

This phrase is one of my all-time favorites. It reminds us that in this very small world, there is no such thing as coincidence. Be careful who you talk about and what you say, because you never know who might be listening. You never know whom you will run into just around the corner. Also, it could be considered a beacon of hope for the perpetual bachelor or bachelorette—there is someone out there for everyone and, sooner or later, you will find each other.

IN THEIR VILLAGE IT MUST NOT BE THE CUSTOM TO SAY “THANK YOU.”

As mentioned before, giving gifts is very important in Greek society. With that comes the importance of saying “Thank you” upon the receipt of said gift. It’s amazing and unfortunate how infrequently you hear those words nowadays. But those Greeks, I tell you, they never fail to step up and give credit where credit is due when the opportunity presents itself. I even heard someone once thank a god for cursing them. I did, I swear … but I also swore that I would never reveal who it was.

This phrase, you can imagine, is said with a razor-thin layer of professional, thinly veiled sarcasm. The Greeks are so exceptionally biting with their sarcasm they have all but raised it to an art form. Perhaps I should recommend a tenth Muse?

FROM TIME TO TIME EVEN GOD NEEDS TO REST.

Ah, yes, ever the saying of the Oneroi, for they alone have the ability to wreak havoc in the dreams of gods. Of course, they got their shiny heineys cursed for doing that, too, so it’s a subject around which everyone treads lightly. But they never forget it.

Neither do the gods.

To the mortal Greeks, this saying is a completely legal justification anytime a wife happens upon her husband in repose while she’s slaving her tail off in the kitchen. It doesn’t necessarily get him off the hook, but mentioning a god or two might save him from being smacked with a broom.

DAY LOOKS UPON NIGHT’S WORK AND LAUGHS.

The idea behind this one is that if you work all day long on a project, chances are that you’ll be so tired at night, you’ll screw up everything you were doing and have to redo it over again in the morning. So why bother? Save yourself the extra work and stop when you’re supposed to stop. (The Greeks know how to appreciate a well-deserved break time.)

While this saying is possibly true for most mortals, I feel the need to point out that it isn’t an expression often used by Dark-Hunters, Dream-Hunters, Daimons, or night-owl authors.

ONLY PEASANTS EAT STANDING UP.

I remember hearing this one from my esteemed noble grandmother. I’m not sure where it originated, but she, of all people, would certainly know the truth. She very well could have picked it up from Valerius Magnus. It’s certainly the type of thing I can hear him saying as he drinks his Chablis in his impeccable Armani suit. You’ll have to ask Tabitha next time you see her; if he’s pulled that old gem out on anybody, it will have been her.

I WANT TO BE A SAINT, BUT THE DEVIL WON’T LET ME.

As much as I would love to go on at length about this saying, it really doesn’t require explanation. I need it on a bumper sticker or a T-shirt. Or both.

IT IS CONSIDERED EXTREMELY BAD MANNERS TO BE INVITED TO DINNER AND BRING JUST YOUR APPETITE.

Remember how I said eating is a Greek way of life? This is only one of about a million Greek sayings associated with food. Here, the underlying universal wisdom is to always consider your motivations. It also touches on the gift-giving aspect of visiting a friend or neighbor: You never come empty-handed as a guest to someone’s house. Only a very selfish and unworthy person would come bearing only their appetite. Very much like Daimons, actually. No one likes a selfish person. No one likes Daimons either. See?

WHEN YOU WATER THE PLANT, THE POT ALSO GETS WATER.

This saying is more about the big picture. It reminds us to consider the impact of our actions on the world around us, especially the selfless ones. The more we give, the more we get back—it’s a basic pagan tenet dating back centuries. When someone cooks a wonderful meal for their guests, that person reaps the benefit of partaking of it as well. Every time you kill a Daimon, think of all the souls you will be saving.

We concentrate on the promotion of selfless acts because it would not (or should not) occur to a Greek person to be selfish or vengeful. They have learned from eons of history that you get back what you give, the good as well as the bad. When Artie granted you your Act of Vengeance, your payback—a dispensation from a goddess—was a special exemption. Don’t go thinking you can just be vengeful all the time without serious repercussions. The bank of the Fates has interest rates that would make credit card companies blush.

DO A GOOD DEED AND CAST IT TO THE SEA.

Not only should you do that selfless act, but you should not dwell upon it. Don’t spend too much time patting yourself on the back for it, or hint that others should do the same. At some point, it stops being selfless and starts being self-congratulatory. Do your wonderful thing, cast it out into the world, and then go off and do another.

There is a school of thought that seems to think Poseidon came up with this tidbit, and he wasn’t exactly being selfless when he said it. Which I would totally believe.

BLESS YOUR HANDS. (YA’STA HERIASOU.)

This saying is often said to a cook to congratulate them on a fabulous meal. It can be said to people who have made anything with their hands, but—like most Greek sayings—it is usually only used in conjunction with food.

I’M SAVING THAT TO DO WHEN I’M OLD.

The epitome of procrastination. And more so than Scarlett O’Hara; she only put things off until tomorrow. Everyone knows Greek people don’t ever get old. It’s almost taboo.

Immortals such as yourself love using this phrase. They think it’s a laugh riot. And rightly so.

YOU’VE EATEN ALMOST AN ENTIRE DONKEY. DON’T STOP JUST BECAUSE YOU’VE REACHED THE TAIL.

“In for a penny, in for a pound” is the essence of this one, but the fact that the person in question is
eating a donkey
just smacks of hilarity. Some Greeks—heck, some men in general—have a hard time finishing a task once it’s started. I think the donkey might represent a huge task that someone decided to take on and boasted about it, and now that it’s nose-to-the-grindstone time, less and less gets done as the days go by. It’s too late to turn back now; like it or not, you’re going to have to polish off that donkey—tail and all.

And you’re not getting dessert until that plate is clean, mister.

THEY ARE LIKE ASS TO UNDERWEAR.

Similar to the expression “like white on rice,” or one that pops to mind regarding odor and fecal matter that I won’t mention here. It, of course, refers to two people who are so physically close you think that maybe you’re going to have to get a crowbar to pry them apart … or you hope at the very least that one of them has considered contraception.