The Cowboy's Ready-Made Family (14 page)

* * *

Sunday morning came and Susanne prepared to visit Sundown Ranch. She looked at her dress. Was it suitable? Not that it mattered. It was the only good dress she had. At least it wasn't wool. She'd grown used to wearing cotton every day. This dress used to belong to Alice. Jim had given it to her, assuring her he didn't mind if she adjusted it to fit. At first, she thought she'd be uncomfortable in one of Alice's gowns, but by the time she finished with it, it felt like hers and she quite liked it.

Earlier in the day they'd had their customary church service, again outside as the weather was so nice. She'd cut the Bible lesson short as the children were restless, always jumping up to see if Tanner had arrived. Truthfully, she was almost as bad. Her nerves had been taut with wonderment and hope since the shooting lesson yesterday. Being held firmly against his chest had triggered feelings she'd long buried. A sense of having come home, belonging to someone, being cherished. She'd tried desperately to convince herself it was only the result of many years in Aunt Ada's home. The experience had made her so needy she about melted at any sign of kindness. She'd told herself over and over that Tanner showed no special interest in her. Yes, he was kind and concerned. But she knew better than to read anything more into the situation. At least she ought to by now.

But talking to herself had accomplished nothing. Her feelings refused to be ignored. And she could not convince herself that the way Tanner pressed his hands to her shoulders had anything to do with shooting the gun—they'd lingered there far too long. And yet he'd removed them far too soon.

She turned her attention back to preparations for the day and fixed her hair with extra care, then braided the girls' hair. Thankfully she's recently cut the boys' hair. She gave a final inspection of the children and looked in the mirror for her own final assessment. “We're ready for the day.” Whatever it might bring. Part of her tingled with excitement at an outing and at seeing the ranch where Tanner lived. An equal portion of her twisted with questions. Would his family approve of her? That one was uppermost in her mind.

“Here he comes,” Robbie called. “He's driving his mama's buggy. He's stopping at the corrals. Going inside.” He sighed. “Guess he's got to check on the horses.” He alternately held his breath and then gasped in air as he watched and waited. He perked up again. “Now he's back in the buggy. He's coming this way. Yay.” He was off the chair and at the door before Susanne could say to slow down.

Janie ran after him. They pulled open the door and waited as Tanner jumped from the buggy.

“Good morning,” he called, his gaze coming to Susanne last. His eyes were filled with gladness. Today he wore jeans and a blue chambray shirt that emphasized his dark coloring. My, she thought, but he was handsome.

“You look very nice.” The words were out before she could stop them. Her cheeks burned. How terribly bold of her to speak them. She knew he would see the warmth steal up her face, so she jerked her gaze away. “We're ready.”

“You look nice, too. All of you.” She wondered at the way his voice caught.

He led the way outside and hoisted the children into the back. The two older ones sat prim and proper, having been warned to be on their best behavior. The younger two bounced so excitedly the buggy jerked about.

Susanne made sure the door was firmly closed and gave a look around for Daisy. She was tethered firmly to a tree with plenty of grass nearby. Pat grazed placidly in the pasture next to the barn. What if Charlie came back? Would he enter the house and paw through their things?

“You're worried about Charlie, aren't you?”

She didn't realize Tanner had moved so close and forced herself not to reveal her surprise by jerking about to face him. He was only twelve inches behind her and turning about would put them toe-to-toe. “Do you think he might return?”

“I doubt it.” He didn't sound very certain. “If he does, I'll deal with him.”

It was small comfort but there was little else she could do. She certainly had no intention of staying home and guarding the house with a loaded rifle. Not when a day at Sundown Ranch beckoned.

She eased past him and went to the buggy. He held out a hand to help her up. When she took it, her heart kicked into a gallop. He pressed a hand to her waist to steady her and her mouth dried so fast she couldn't even swallow. She settled on the bench. Tanner trotted around. The buggy tipped as he climbed aboard. Then he took the reins and guided the buggy along the trail toward the ranch.

The children asked a thousand questions about the things they saw on the trip. Why was the hawk flying over top of them? What was that mountain called? Were his brothers going to be there? Tanner answered each question, saving Susanne from having to make conversation. Sitting so close to him, she wasn't sure she could have pulled an intelligent word from her brain.

All too soon Sundown Ranch came into view and the children pressed to the back of the seat.

“It's big,” Frank said. And that about said it all.

Susanne stared in awe. Somehow she had not imagined so many buildings. The place made her feel small and insignificant. A feeling she was all too familiar with, thanks to Aunt Ada. She drew in a strengthening breath. She would not let her aunt exert such influence over her.

“Tell us what all the buildings are.”

Tanner slowed the buggy. “The house is to the far right.”

Susanne studied the low and rambling structure. It was not what she'd expected, but then she really didn't know what she expected.

“The bunkhouse and cookhouse are next. Then the horse barn and a foaling barn. Beyond that are the breaking pens and then the pigpens.”

The hot breath of the children blasted against Susanne's neck. Their tension edged knifelike up and down her arms.

“I don't see any children.” Robbie sounded concerned. “Aren't there any children?”

“Not since the three of us grew up, but look.” Tanner pointed. “See that tree between the house and the bunkhouse?” They all squinted, trying to pick out the tree he meant. “The big one with a rope swing on one branch.”

“I see it,” Janie squealed. “Can we use it?”

“I put new rope on it last night just in case you might want to.”

All the children sighed as if sensing they would be welcome at the ranch. Susanne wished she was equally confident.

They continued on their way. Tanner drove past the cookhouse and stopped in front of the house.

Maisie hurried out. “I'm so glad you came to visit.” Behind her came an imposing figure of a man. Susanne understood why he was called Big Sam.

Tanner helped them all to the ground, then introduced his father.

Big Sam gave a little salute. “Pleased to meet you, ma'am.” He greeted each of the children by name.

Levi and Johnny stood in their father's shadow.

“You've met my brothers.” Tanner didn't seem real pleased about their presence.

“Come in, come in.” Maisie indicated they should step indoors.

Susanne hesitated, but Tanner took her elbow and ushered her in. She looked about and slowly relaxed. It was a kitchen not unlike her own. Larger, of course, but with the stove and cupboards to one side and a big wooden table on the opposite side of the room. Aromas of roasting meat and applesauce and a thousand delicious things filled her nostrils. Through the open doorway she saw a large, comfortable-looking sitting room with bookcases full of books, chairs before a fireplace and a maroon couch beneath a wide window. She glimpsed two doors along the facing wall. There might have been more.

“Let's visit.” Maisie led the way to the sitting room. Yes, four closed doors faced her.

She and the children sat on the maroon couch. Maisie and Big Sam pulled up chairs to face them. The three younger men lounged nearby. Susanne caught Tanner's eye as he leaned against the door frame. His smile put her at ease and she sat back.

Big Sam wanted to know how she was doing on the farm with Jim gone. “I was sorry to hear of his passing. He was a good, hardworking man.”

“Thank you.”

“I'm sure you're all missing him. And your mama.” He addressed the children.

Janie and Robbie pressed to Susanne's side and the older two blinked back tears though Frank tried hard not to acknowledge them.

After Big Sam had finished asking his questions, the conversation lagged.

“I'd like to show them around the place,” Tanner said.

Susanne gladly followed him outside. They went directly to the swing.

“Push me, push me,” Robbie yelled as he perched on the wooden seat.

Tanner went behind him. “Ready? Here you go.” He pushed the child gently, but Robbie prodded him to go higher.

“More. More.”

“Hang on.” Tanner gave a big push and Robbie sailed clear to the overhanging branches.

Robbie laughed and Susanne held her breath.

Tanner pushed him several more minutes then let him slow down. “Janie's turn.”

Janie paused before she climbed to the seat. “Maybe not quite so high.”

“Only as high as you want.”

Janie laughed as she flew through the air.

After a few minutes, Tanner lifted her from the swing. “Liz's turn.”

With a little giggle, Liz sat down and let him push her.

“Want to go higher?”

“Yes, please.” So higher she went until Susanne couldn't look.

Liz got off.

“Frank's turn.”

Frank hesitated. Susanne could see him struggling between wanting to be treated like a child and wanting Tanner to consider him a man. But it didn't take him long to make up his mind and he sat on the swing.

Tanner pushed him the highest of them all and Frank laughed like she hadn't heard him laugh since...well, since Jim died.

Frank got off the swing.

“Auntie Susanne's turn,” Tanner said, his eyes silently challenging her.

She swallowed hard, unable to tear her gaze from his. She shook her head.

He quirked his eyebrows and pointed toward the swing.

“It's fun, Auntie Susanne,” Liz said.

Janie tugged at Susanne's hand. “You'll like it. I did.”

The children prodded her forward until only the wooden swing separated her from Tanner. His gaze was riveted to hers. She couldn't blink, forgot to breathe.

He caught her shoulders and turned her about. She sank to the wooden seat and took the ropes. He pressed his hands to her back and pushed. Her breath whooshed in and out as she swung out and back. Then he pushed again, his hands warm and firm on her back. She soared higher and higher, her heart rising in time to her upward arcs. Higher and higher. She closed her eyes as a rush of emotion flooded her. Freedom and laughter rang through her. She never wanted to stop.

What a foolish thought. Of course she didn't want to do this forever. She dragged her feet along the ground to slow down. “I've had my turn.” She got off.

“Mr. Tanner needs a turn,” Robbie said.

Susanne froze just feet from the swing.

“I'm too big,” Tanner protested.

Good. Because if he got on, the children would certainly expect her to push him.

“Come on. You need to have fun, too.”

The children tugged and prodded him to the swing.

“Auntie Susanne, you push him,” Janie said, and four children looked at her expectantly.

Slowly she shifted her gaze to Tanner, saw challenge in his eyes. And more. Was it a warning? Or was the warning coming from her own brain?

The children pulled her behind Tanner and stepped back. What could she do but give the man a push? She planted her hands firmly on his back, feeling his warmth clear to her heart. She pushed and he swung away. She immediately wished to touch him again. He arched back and she put her hands to his back again. Back and forth. Touch and loss. Warmth and cold. Satisfaction and aching.

Her head hurt. Her arms quivered. It was too much. She stepped away, moved about to watch him. His eyes captured hers. She couldn't say what he thought, only that his look made her want to cry out his name.

He got off the swing, letting the empty seat swing back and forth. “Who wants to see the rest of the place?”

The two younger children grabbed his hands and he took off with them.

Susanne, Frank and Liz fell in behind him. Both the children were quiet. She felt their guarded study of her. Had they seen more than she meant for them to see? Read more into the simple act of swinging on a rope swing than they should? She reached for their hands and squeezed.

Any change in their lives would be troublesome at this point. How could she assure them things weren't going to change?

Especially when everything about Tanner left her unsettled.

Chapter Thirteen

T
anner couldn't get his thoughts sorted out. What made him think swinging would be a harmless pastime? Having her hands pressed to his back was about as harmless as eating candy while it still boiled in the pot. He could feel her in every nerve and muscle of his body, in every thought in his head. But he'd seen the concern in the faces of four children and understood they saw his reaction and feared he'd take their aunt away. He had no such intention, but he knew words would not convince them. He must make his actions prove it.

He shifted his mind from Susanne to the tour of the ranch, starting with the bunkhouse. “About a dozen cowboys live here, except most of them are out herding cows at the moment.” He let the children look at the long, low building with its open veranda. Ropes and harnesses hung under the protection of the veranda roof.

Susanne stood behind him. He would not allow himself to turn and speak directly to her.

“Can we see inside?” Robbie asked.

“Certainly.” He opened the door and the children crowded into the opening to look. Susanne did not move forward.

“It stinks.” Janie held her nose.

“Janie, mind your manners,” Susanne said.

Tanner laughed. “She's right. It gets a little ripe in here.”

They moved on, Susanne trailing in his wake. His nerves twitched. He didn't care for her being behind him—unless she was pushing him on a swing, he amended. He turned and reached for her. “You'll want to see this.” It was the cookhouse, where a cigarette-smoking man by the name of Soupy fixed meals for the cowboys. He opened the door so she could see the long table and the big stove and cavernous cupboards. “This is Soupy's domain. He cooks for the hands. Right now he's out with a crew.”

“Soupy?” Frank asked. “Is that his name?”

“Only name he uses.”

“That's funny,” Frank said.

The girls giggled.

He turned to look directly at Susanne. “He takes his work very seriously. No one complains about his food. Not twice anyway.” He relaxed when she grew interested.

“How's that?”

“He won't serve a man who complains.”

She chuckled.

Feeling wholeheartedly better, he pulled her hand around his elbow and rested her fingers on his forearm. The touch was innocent enough, but it made his heart go crazy.

They continued past the barns. Frank quizzed him about the horses and how the cowboys worked with them. The boy had a real interest in ranching.

They came to the end of the buildings and turned to retrace their steps. They had reached the barn when the dinner bell rang.

“Maisie's calling us for the meal.”

Susanne picked up speed, but he continued to hold her hand against his arm so she couldn't fly away. Nevertheless, they rushed breathlessly into the kitchen where Maisie had the table set and bowls of food ready.

Susanne broke from him even before they crossed the threshold. She hurried to Maisie's side. “I'm so sorry. I should have helped you. What can I do now?”

“No need to apologize. I could see Tanner was showing you the place.”

He glanced toward the window. What else had she seen?

She handed Susanne the platter holding a roasted chicken the size of a small turkey. “You could put this at the far end so Sam can carve it.”

Susanne hurried to do so. She spoke to Liz. “See that the little ones wash up.”

Tanner led the children to the washbasin and supervised them while Susanne hurried back and forth helping Maisie take the bowls of food to the table.

Maisie indicated Susanne, Liz and the little ones should sit on one side of the table while Tanner, his brothers and Frank sat on the other. Frank sat tall at being included with the men rather than the children. Tanner squeezed the boy's shoulder.

Tanner sat almost directly across from Susanne and gave her a smile of encouragement, which earned him a jab in the ribs from Levi. He nobly ignored it.

Big Sam stood. “I'll ask the blessing.” He held out his hands and everyone joined hands around the table.

So many emotions roiled inside Tanner. Longing and caution, wishing and denying. He must guard his thoughts and actions more closely.

For a few minutes the conversation centered on passing and serving the food.

Levi looked at Susanne. “Is this brother of mine doing a good job of putting in your crop?”

Susanne gave Tanner one fleeting look before she shifted her gaze to Levi. He wanted to push his brother aside so she'd look at him again. So much for guarding his thoughts and actions.

“I believe he is.”

Levi and Johnny studied Susanne as if hoping for more.

“Huh.” Johnny filled the sound with surprise and doubt. “The last thing we expected was to see our big brother behind a plow. Why, I recall when he used to say he planned to roam the woods living like our native forefathers.”

Tanner also remembered a time when they were all much younger that such a remark would have earned Johnny a challenge to wrestle. He could always best both his brothers. Still could, but he no longer used it as a way of dealing with anger.

Susanne's gaze came to him. “Is that a fact?”

He raised his eyebrows. He wasn't about to deny it nor explain that things had changed.

Maisie made a soothing sound before Tanner's brothers could say more. “God has a way of putting things in our pathway to nudge us in directions we hadn't even considered. Take me for example. I was set on being a teacher in a girls' boarding school when I saw Sam's notice seeking a governess for his sons out in Montana Territory. It sounded so romantic and adventuresome. My father—may he rest in peace—opposed the idea.”

“But yet you came.” Levi spoke in awe.

“My only regret was leaving my father, but if I hadn't come I would not have fallen in love with Sam and his three sons.” She smiled around the table.

Tanner kept his face turned toward Maisie while still watching Susanne. She looked at Maisie with a mixture of longing and regret. No doubt she wished someone like Maisie had become her guardian rather than her aunt Ada.

Maisie continued. “What I'm saying is don't be afraid of following God's surprises.”

Tanner blinked. God's surprises? Was that what Susanne and the children were?

Johnny chuckled. “I think there might have been a few times when you regretted taking us on. The three of us were as wild as the Montana wind, especially Tanner here. He wanted to sleep outdoors and wear nothing but a loincloth.”

Tanner rolled his eyes. “The children do not need to hear this.” The four of them looked at him wide-eyed. Amusement lingered in Frank's eyes. “Besides I thought I was honoring my ma by living wild and free.”

Maisie smiled one of her rich, welcoming smiles. “I knew you all had to deal with the changes in your lives in your own particular way.”

“And you prayed lots,” Levi said.

“Yes, I did.”

Big Sam gave her an adoring look that some might consider silly on such a tough man, but Tanner knew it was sincere and Maisie deserved his esteem. “And you loved us lots.”

“I still do.”

* * *

Susanne looked about the table. Tanner and his brothers had reason to regret the events of their lives that left them without a mother, yet they obviously did not resent Maisie as an intruder. They were happy and content in the certainty of Maisie's love.

She looked at her charges. She loved them lots and prayed for them. Would they turn out as happy and content as the Harding boys?

Maisie took Liz's hand. “You and your sister and brothers have had much sorrow in your young lives. I will pray that you find your way of dealing with it and allow God to lead you. You all deserve God's best.” She looked about the table. “I believe you will find what you need in being strong together.”

“Thank you,” Liz whispered. “I try to be the sort of girl that would make my mama and papa proud.”

“And you are.” Tanner smiled at each of the children. “Your ma and pa would be proud of all of you.”

Frank ducked his head to hide his pleased smile. Liz and the little ones favored him with adoring looks.

Susanne feared she would do the same and forced her eyes down, as if to study her plate.

Thankfully, Maisie rose at that moment to serve pie and coffee and Susanne jumped up to help.

She kept her attention on the food and the conversation that turned to other things as they finished the meal. She worked very hard to keep her gaze from roaming too frequently to Tanner and from lingering there when it did.

As soon as the meal ended, she sprang to her feet. “We will help with the cleanup.”

The men wandered outside, Frank with them, while Liz and Susanne helped wash and dry dishes. “I very much enjoyed the visit,” she said. “This is a nice family.”

Maisie turned toward Janie and Robbie drawing on some pages she'd given them. “It is so pleasant to have young children visit. Be sure and come often.”

“Thank you.” But Susanne had not gained enough confidence around Pat to try to hitch him to a wagon, and she had no reason to think Tanner would be offering to take them back and forth.

Soon it was time to leave and all the children said thank-you to their hosts, as did Susanne. Tanner held her hand and assisted her into the buggy under the watchful eyes of his brothers. He did not let his touch linger one second longer than necessary and she hoped she did not show the slightest reaction to his hand on hers.

“Did you enjoy your visit?” he asked after they had left the ranch buildings behind.

The children chorused yes. They quickly settled in the back, content to watch the passing scenery.

Tanner turned to Susanne for her answer.

“I enjoyed it very much. You have a nice family.”

He grinned. “I suppose I do.” He paused as he seemed to consider what he meant to say. “I was every bit as wild as Levi suggested. Even more. I suppose I thought I could hold on to my ma by turning to her past ways.”

“I can understand that. I suppose much of what we do is a reaction to events in our lives. I can't count the things I've done, or not done, the things I've thought—sometimes wrongly—in accordance with what I would expect from Aunt Ada.”

“Seems like a long time ago we made an agreement to forget our pasts.”

“It's been a challenge for me. So often I hear Aunt Ada reminding me of the obligation I had. But I do believe it's getting easier to not listen to her voice. How about you? Are you learning that not everyone is offended by who you are?”

The reins were slack in his hands and he stared straight ahead. She was afraid she had inadvertently reminded him of the very thing he wanted to forget. She touched the back of his hand. “I hope you can at least see that the children and I aren't. We appreciate you and what you are doing for us.”

He slowly brought his gaze to meet hers. “It helps to hear it from you.” A smile broke forth with such power she almost shaded her eyes. “You make me believe it doesn't matter.”

“Good. Because it doesn't.”

“Not to you?” His voice had grown very soft.

Afraid to reveal too much of her heart and risk having it broken, she said, “Not to any of us.” She nodded toward the children behind her. The little ones had fallen asleep against their older brother and sister. “It shouldn't matter to anyone.”

He turned his attention back to the horses.

She should have been more honest, but he'd given her no reason to hope for the things she longed for.

“Are you anxious to get back?” he asked after several seconds of silence.

“I suppose not. What did you have in mind?”

“I'd like to show you something if you have no objections.”

“None whatsoever.” She'd make this afternoon last forever if she could. Besides, she heard a hint of eagerness in his voice that made her think he had something special in mind.

He turned aside, crossing rough, untrodden prairie. They climbed higher, crested a hill and followed the slope for a few miles, then he drove down into a wide, sunlit valley with several thick groves of trees. He pulled to a stop and stared straight ahead, his jaw muscles clenching and unclenching.

She touched the back of his hand. “What's wrong?”

He released a deep breath. “Remember I told you about the trees where my mother fell on her knees and worshipped?”

She followed the direction of his gaze. “This is the place?”

He nodded. “I almost went into the center of the trees the other day.”

She waited as he gathered his thoughts.

“Will you come with me?” he asked her.

“I'd be honored to. Do you want the children to come, as well?”

“Of course.” He jumped to the ground and hurried around to help her down. His hands lingered at her waist and he studied her face. “I'm sure it will be completely different than I remember.”

“Either way, it will bring your mother's memory close.”

He nodded and lifted the children down. Robbie, now awake, as was Janie, took off at once. Susanne collared him. “We'll follow Tanner.”

Tanner left his hat in the buggy, then faced the trees. He wiped his hand on his trousers and sucked in a breath. “I think this is the spot where we went in.” A faint trail parted the trees. “Animals must be using it.” He pushed aside the overhanging branches and held them as Susanne and the children followed. The path was narrow and covered with more branches.

“Where we going?” Robbie asked.

“It's a place Tanner hasn't been to since his ma died,” Susanne explained. She hoped the children would realize how important this spot was to him.

“His first ma?” Robbie asked, sounding a little worried.

“Yes.”

“Oh.” After that the children were silent. They understood how important memories of parents were. Each of them had something of Alice's they cherished. Susanne had never gone through Jim's things. She couldn't bring herself to. When the time came, she would see that they all got to choose something of his to keep.