—Yes, a little.
He reached into the front and started the car for the heater to blast again.
—You know what they told me about sex? said Pete. They left a booklet on my bed. I was twelve. It was called
The Christian Path to Growing Up
, and it was a booklet full of reasons why if you beat off or if you neck with a girl you’re going to hell.
—My mom told me everything, said Emily. I could have done with just an explanation. I didn’t need her to talk about techniques.
—That’s better than a booklet about the evils of necking, believe me.
—Tell me how evil necking is, said Emily.
She moved against him, shifting out of the blanket. Her pale body moved fluidly in the dim light. She kissed him with her tongue inside his mouth and her fingers tracing along his cheek.
There was nothing to compare this feeling with.
He wanted her to be vulnerable, wanted her to need him as much as he felt he was beginning to need her. He was even willing to believe that it was so, that she did need him as badly. She moved on top of him and slid her hand down his stomach.
—Do you want to go again?
—Yes, said Pete. Anything for you.
—Good. After that, you’ll have to take me home so I can go to bed like a good girl.
A
few nights later, Pete picked up Lee and Helen after work to take them to Donna and Barry’s house for supper. Lee had dressed in what he had for a formal occasion, jeans and a collared
shirt and his Carhartt coat. Helen wore big hoop earrings and a leather jacket over a tight-fitting dress. Lee held the door for her and she got into the passenger seat. He got into the back.
Pete had assembled a picture of Helen from what Lee had told him, and in person she was not far removed from what he’d imagined.
—Haven’t I heard a lot about you, said Helen.
—Hi, said Pete. Hey, Uncle Lee.
—Hey, Pete.
They drove out to the house.
—This is a nice-looking joint, said Helen. Why don’t you move out here, Brown Eyes?
—It’s filled up with people out here is why, said Lee.
They were halfway up the walk when Donna opened the front door and stood there thinly against the backlight, wearing grey slacks and a cardigan. Lee went up first. He and his sister embraced stiffly and he went to kiss her on the cheek but she had already turned her head. Helen came up the steps and took both of Donna’s hands. Pete could see his mother’s shoulders climbing in defence.
—Hello, said Helen. What a big beautiful property you guys got out here.
They were shown into the living room. Helen was as misfit a figure as Pete could imagine, but she seemed oblivious to it. Donna served them hot apple cider. Lee took Helen’s jacket and showed her to the couch. Irene’s recliner remained vacant. The Christmas tree was crooked. Donna went into the hallway and tapped on Barry’s office door.
—He’ll be out in one minute, said Donna. He’s working on his sermon for Sunday.
Donna came back into the living room and Pete brushed past her to the office door. The door was open a few inches so he opened it fully and stood on the threshold. Barry was at the desk with his study bible open beside him.
—Just a moment and I’ll be out.
—Take your time, said Pete. My mother is only half panicked. You’ve got a couple minutes before she loses her mind completely.
Barry put on a look of forbearance: What is it, Peter?
Pete took the week’s rent out of his wallet. Barry darted a look into the hallway. Then he composed himself again.
—You’re a day early with that, said Barry, taking the money.
He counted it carefully and stowed it in the strongbox in the drawer. Peter craned his neck to spy a bible quotation Barry had transcribed and underlined on his legal pad. It was about the angel appearing to the terrified shepherds, bidding them be unafraid, for that day a child was born.
—Do you believe that about the angel coming down to talk to the shepherds?
Barry blinked, tugged at his ear: Why wouldn’t I?
—I’m just curious.
—How God calls us is up to God. That’s exactly what I’ll be talking about on Sunday. It would be good to see you there. It would be good for your mom to see you there.
Pete went back into the hallway. When he was going back through the living room, John and Luke were being presented to Helen. They were both wearing the dress shirts they wore to church, pressed and tucked in, and they had identical left-sided parts in their hair.
—Couple of little heartbreakers, said Helen.
Donna served a roast ham with peas and a macaroni salad. Lee and Helen were seated next to each other across from John and Luke. Barry sat at the head of the table. Pete and his mother took their usual places. The spot for Irene at the other end of the table remained conspicuously empty.
Barry said they would pray first. They held hands around the table and Pete watched them bow their heads. He was holding
John’s hand. The boy had his eyes pinched shut. Barry told the Lord thanks for the food and the fellowship of family. Across the table, Lee’s eyes were closed. Helen was looking at Pete, grinning.
Amen was said. Donna served their plates.
—Would you tell us about yourself? said Barry. We’ve heard a little bit.
Helen shrugged, hand to her chin. The boys stared at her.
—I didn’t come from around here. I don’t know anything about this town to tell you the truth. It’s funny how we end up in certain places. I went to college for a year or two, this was, like, ‘67 …
She laughed as she spoke. Barry smiled sociably. Donna and Lee were both staring into their meals, slicing through their ham with something approaching savagery. To see them, you would conclude, finally, that they were sister and brother.
—I travelled for awhile with these Hare Krishnas, said Helen. We shared everything. They were real good people. Then I went back to the city in about 1972. The city was where the action was.
She told them more, a rambling stream of words interrupted by the odd giggle. It was difficult to understand what had driven her to the city, but she told them she had a son.
—He’d be about your age, said Helen to John.
John gaped at her. Lee sounded as if he’d caught something in his throat. He coughed and cleared whatever it was, and slowly set into his ham and his peas again.
—Does your son go to school here in town? said Donna.
—Oh no, said Helen. I don’t … He doesn’t live with me. But the way it goes, things have a certain way of working out, you know? Like, to everything there is a season and a purpose.
—But you were in the city, said Donna. How’d you end up here?
—You got a lot of questions, said Lee.
—That’s okay, said Helen.
But Donna had put her knife and fork down on either side of her plate: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be nosy.
The boys stared around the table. Barry chewed methodically.
—It’s fine, said Helen. Come on, Brown Eyes, she’s asking me about myself.
—I didn’t mean to be nosy, said Donna again.
—It was a man, hun. Isn’t it always a man for us gals? Anyways he’s not my problem any more. I don’t even know where he is.
—I see.
—And he owed me money, but, oh well. Maybe Lee should go have a chat with him. Tell him what’s what.
Silence fell like a shroud. They all went on eating, pretending nothing had been said.
At length, Barry cleared his throat: I’ve seen Clifton at church. It’s a difficult time for him but he’s handled it well.
Lee chuckled dryly: And he wasn’t even in the god— He wasn’t even in the boat when it happened. Good for him. I wonder if he’s helping Bud’s wife to handle it, too. He’s sure done a lot to check up on me.
—He always mentions what a hard worker you are, Lee. You really did impress him.
—Well, how about that.
Helen had caught John staring at her. She crossed her eyes and puckered her lips together. The boy blinked down at his plate. She told him he’d catch flies with his mouth open like that.
—I made a cobbler for dessert, said Donna hastily. She got up and started to clear the plates.
—I’ll help you, said Helen.
—No, I have it.
But Helen had already lifted her plate and Lee’s from the table. She laughed: Oh, hun, I’ve been a waitress for a long time. Stuff like this is one of the two things I’m any good at.
A short while later, Pete was on the telephone in the hallway.
—I’m going to be in town later tonight. I want to see you.
—Pete, it’s a weeknight. My dad is home. Is something wrong?
—No, there’s nothing wrong. I just want to see you is all.
—I want to see you too. Okay. I’ll go out for a walk. Eight-thirty. I’ll be walking on my street.
He hung up and went back through the living room. Barry was conducting a bible lesson with Luke and John. He was speaking about the Magi. Pete could only see the backs of the boys’ heads and the expressiveness on Barry’s face as he entreated them. Lee was sitting in the recliner. He was flexing his hand into a fist and studying it closely. Releasing, flexing.
In the kitchen Donna was holding a dish, paused in the act of drying it. There had been times in Pete’s life when he had found her like this, unmoving and blank in the midst of some chore.
Helen was sitting on the counter, discussing gossip from the Owl Café. Donna stood static, holding the dish like a plate of armour over her heart.
—And the man she shacked up with? said Helen. Hun, you wouldn’t believe.
—Mom, said Pete.
He put his hands on the dish and tugged and for a moment Donna’s hands clutched it. Then she released. Her eyes moved to her son. She put a hand to the side of her face and then she turned around to what remained on the drying rack. She said nothing.
—Pete even helps out in the kitchen? said Helen. I bet every girl in town is kicking down your door. She flashed a brazen wink.
When Pete went back into the living room, Barry was telling the boys how King Herod was in a murderous rage. The faces of the boys were rapt, imagining the sight of infants being put to slaughter. Lee looked bored.
—Uncle Lee, said Pete.
They all looked at him. Barry paused mid-story.
—I’m going to drive into town in a minute or two, said Pete.
—I’ll grab Helen if she can stop yapping, said Lee.
The guests said their goodbyes, Lee curtly and Helen with the same rambling exuberance she’d shown through supper. Donna did not come out of the kitchen. Barry saw them to the front door. He told them he’d be happy to see them at church.
They got into Pete’s car. Pete was tense and he did not know why. Every darkened field he passed he found himself looking for avenues of escape, as if it should be a sudden and uncalculated move. Helen laughed about something.
—I didn’t know you had a goddamn kid, said Lee.
—That was another life, said Helen. It doesn’t matter any more.
They came into town. Lee told Pete to take them down to his place. The trees in the lakefront park stood like black bones against the snow.
—Funny, said Lee. I never thought about it before, but if anybody asked me I couldn’t tell them where you live. I got no idea.
Helen laughed: Oh my God, Brown Eyes.
Pete pulled in behind the variety store. Lee said that he would see him around and got out of the car. Helen patted Pete’s knee.
—So nice to meet you.
Pete watched them. Lee dug for his keys and Helen hitched at her pantyhose and stepped side to side in her shoes. She swatted Lee’s backside. Lee looked at her and she shrugged.
Emily was walking on her street. She had her head held high and her hands in her front pockets. She got into Pete’s car and she kissed him, cold lips and warm mouth.
—I’m glad to see you.
—I’m glad to see you too.
—I can’t stay out for long. Five minutes.
—It’s okay. Five minutes is enough. How are you?
—School today was asinine. I feel like my work here is done, you know?
—I know. I’ve felt like that for a long time.
—What does it matter. Christmas break starts next Friday.
He could listen to her forever. Her hand was on his except when she lifted it to emphasize a point. Once again, nothing else in the world mattered. He wondered how, fifteen minutes ago, he’d been thinking about escape.
—I have to go away this weekend, said Emily.
—You do?
—Peter, you look broken-hearted.
—No …
—I am a little too. We could have gone bowling again.
—Where are you going?
—Our annual trip to the city, my mom and me. We’ll do our Christmas shopping. We’ve been doing it almost as long as I can remember.
—Where will you stay?
—In a hotel. Very fancy. Or maybe not, I don’t know. It’s close to downtown. Somewhere you can see the CN Tower and the lights and everything else. This is the first year we’re bringing my sister. But let’s talk about next Tuesday.
—Next Tuesday.
—You’re invited to dinner.
—Where?
—My house, Peter.
—With your folks?
—Who else? Do you accept?
—I do, said Pete. For sure.
When she kissed him, he could feel her tongue moving and then she grinned against his mouth. He drove her down to her house. She kissed him once more and she got out of the car. At the front door she turned and waved at him and then she went inside.
Pete drove around for awhile before he went home. His mind was at ease, which was funny to realize, since half an hour ago he’d been thinking about a sudden and uncalculated escape from everything. But now, the smell of Emily’s perfume or shampoo lingered in the car. As he drove, Pete found himself reconsidering his plan to move west. Maybe he had a reason to stay here, after all. Maybe he would rent an apartment in town, like Lee’s. Maybe, for once, everything was okay.
Pete left work in the middle of the afternoon on Friday to take some magazines and evangelical cassettes to his grandmother at the hospital. Later, he would think that Roger and the others must have followed him, looking for an opportunity. The gas station was too busy, too exposed.