The Brushstroke Legacy (3 page)

That night she woke up with nightmares.
That’s what I get for checking messages. They told me at the intake not to check cell phones.
If there had been a real emergency, Susan could have contacted her through the front desk. Instead, now she was the one lying awake worrying.

When she settled on the table for her massage the next day, the therapist tsked as she kneaded Ragni’s shoulders. “What did you do?”

Ragni’s confession brought more commiserating noises.

“We have a saying here. Fix it or forget it.”

Ragni thought about that as the healing hands worked out the knots and tight muscles again. She
could
fix it.

By not calling earlier, she forfeited her hundred-dollar deposit on the lake cabin. One more thing, but not a major catastrophe. The call to her mother would make it all worthwhile. Or at least she hoped so. She’d go home, pack her camping gear, and hope for wisdom from the riverbank instead of the lake. Surely being alone there would give her the same restoration. She spent the remaining days at the spa luxuriating in all the services and refusing to let her mind whine about missing out on the lake and the cabin. As the massage therapist had said, fix it or forget it. If only she could teach her mother how to do the same.

“You want me to what?”

“You have to take Erika with you to North Dakota,” Susan stated clearly, as if explaining bedtime to a two-year-old.

“No, I don’t. In case you have forgotten, I have already changed my itinerary at your insistence. This is my vacation, and I need time alone. In fact, you’re the one who insisted I need time to sort things out, remember? You suggested I go to the lake—alone.”

“I know, but things have changed.”

“Not here they haven’t. I’m leaving on Saturday morning, all alone in my little car with my camping gear, my journal, my Bible, and assorted jeans and shorts. Oh, and lots of mosquito repellent.” She tried to ignore her sister’s sigh and the incriminating silence. “Okay, you’d better tell me the whole story.”

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean, you can’t?”

“I can’t, that’s all. I don’t know the whole story yet.”

“Susan, you are making no sense.”

“Look, I can’t send her over to Mother’s. Dad has gotten more
belligerent since you left. Mom can’t deal with Erika, and I don’t think Erika can deal with the changes in her grandfather.”

“I can’t deal with the changes in Dad; how could we expect a kid to?” Especially one who idolized her grandfather, the one solid man in her life. “So why do you have to send her anywhere?”

“I don’t want her staying here in the house alone all summer. This week has been bad enough.”

“I see—she doesn’t want a baby-sitter. So send her to summer school—camp. Surely there are day programs somewhere around you.”

“I-I might have to be gone some nights too. Ragni, I haven’t asked a lot of favors from you, and this one time I really need you to help me, you…”

Ragni closed her eyes. That was hitting below the belt. “Have you asked Erika if she wants to go?”

“No, she has no choice in the matter.”

“Sister mine, what is going on?” Ragni waited, fully expecting a confession, or at least the truth. Susan often had to work extra shifts at the hospital—maybe being a trauma nurse was getting to her.

“Trust me on this, Ragni. I can’t tell you right now, but I promise, you will be the first to know.”

It was Ragni’s turn to sigh. “Has she no friends to go to?”

“She’ll say she does, but I don’t know them or their parents. She’s cut off the friends I used to know.” Even the silence felt heavy. “There’s no one that I trust like I do you.”

Oh, lay it on thick with a palette knife. But what can I say? No, I don’t want to do this. I want
—
I need to be alone to figure things out. If
I don’t get my life back on track, I don’t know what’s going to happen to me.
“Susan, I was planning a trip to the lake. You know, like a spiritual quest. You talked me out of that. You pushed me into going to North Dakota, even calling me at the spa. Remember?”

Susan grunted acknowledgment. “I know. You don’t have to pile the guilt on any further. If I had any other recourse, I would take it. You’re my only option.” Never had Ragni heard her sister sound so— so defeated? Was that the right word? And yet she knew if she could see Susan’s face, her jaw would be tight, the light of battle in her eyes.

“Can you let me think about it?”
Try praying about it. Ha!
That inner voice mocked her far too often lately.

“No. I have to know now.”

Ragni clamped her teeth, the ache in her jaw making her aware she’d most likely been grinding her teeth in her sleep; one more indication of her tension level in spite of the week at the spa. “All right. But somehow you have to get through to Erika that she has to pitch in. This is not a just-enjoy-the-scenery trip. We’re going to fix up the cabin and get back here as soon as possible so Mom will relax.”
I’m going to fix up my life along with it. Then I will return to Chicago, my life, my job with new purpose. No more failure.

“Thank you. I’ll do what I can with her.”

“Better you than me. She needs a sleeping bag and a blow-up air mattress—good thing I have a two-man tent. And please, if you can get her to wear something not black…”

Her sister’s snort conveyed the impossibility of that suggestion.

“She’ll need a swimsuit or cutoffs. You know the cabin is right on the riverbank and we might be able to swim there.” Ragni thought over her supply list. “You better get her a pair of leather work gloves.
She needs to pack her things in a duffel bag so it can be stuffed in among the supplies in the backseat. There won’t be room for a hard suitcase.”
Shoot, hard suitcase, there won’t be room in the backseat for anything. Wish I had a van instead of a compact. I didn’t plan for two people going on this trip.

“Anything else?”

“Her personal stuff, but it all has to fit in the one duffel.” Ragni twisted her mouth to the side. “You don’t by any chance have a rack that will fit on top of my car?”

“Nope, sorry. How much stuff are you taking? You’ll only be gone two weeks.”

“All that camping gear adds up. Stove, lantern, folding table, cooler, tent, sleeping bag… We’ll buy most of our groceries in Medora, but I’m taking everything else.”

“By the time you get back, we might have to help Mom move Dad into a secure unit.”

No, surely not Daddy. Isn’t there some new medication that will help? Something?
Ragni gulped, “Is there one close by?”

“Yes, but it has a waiting list. I already paid for his place on the list. Mom still thinks she’ll be able to handle him.”

Ragni, feeling rumbling in her stomach, swallowed all the things she’d almost said. “I need to get going.” Despair tasted bitter.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome—I guess. This sure changes my looking forward to the trip.”
Maybe Erika will help a lot and we can get back sooner. Yeah, right
—
dream on.

“Maybe when it’s just the two of you, you’ll find that rapport you used to have.”

“I’m hoping.”

“I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate this.”

“Right.”
What could it be that Susan can’t tell me? Can’t or won’t?

Packing the car was an exercise in frustration, even without Erika’s things. The trunk that usually carried only groceries left a lot to be desired. A mound of equipment needed to go in it. Ragni took everything out and started again.

Studying each space and each item, she fit things together like a jigsaw puzzle. She had to lean on the trunk lid, but it finally shut with a satisfying click. Everything else would have to go on the backseat; her toolbox could not be left behind. If only she had gone and bought a rack for the top of the car. She glanced at her watch. Nearly nine. Too late to go to the store now.

Ragni made her way back to her apartment, knowing her car was safe in the underground parking garage. Everything was packed, except her morning things. The plants sat in a pan on gravel so that the moisture from the evaporating water would sustain them. They would need to be watered only once or twice while she was gone.

This was one of those times she was grateful she had no pets. Perhaps when she returned, she’d get a cat. Ragni let her mind wander as it willed, anything to keep from thinking of tomorrow morning, but inevitably it returned to the upcoming trip.
Susan promised to have Erika here at six so we can get to the cabin before dark. It would have been easier if Erika had spent the night, but of course she declined the invitation. As usual, whatever Erika wants…

Ragni scanned her lists to make sure everything was marked off. Every item on the supplies list bore a check. Was there anything she should have added and hadn’t? Her to-do list had the same checks. Plants, paper, mail, empty the refrigerator, laundry finished, pick up the dry cleaning—not that she’d need any of that where she was going. They’d stop for breakfast wherever Erika chose; snacks were already in the car. She’d notified her neighbors that she’d be gone two more weeks, and she could access her phone messages by her cell phone. As her father would have said, she “had all the bases covered” and would say no more. Just like they’d never go to another baseball game at Wrigley Field.

Once in bed, she stared around her room. She’d decorated it with pure comfort in mind, the colors drawn from a painting she’d done of a garden that she’d dreamed of having at one time. A riot of flowers in every hue, shape, and size. An apartment house for purple martins—a weathered shed with a pot of bright pink geraniums on the step—the picture brought a lump to her throat. Gardening and painting were dreams that had gone by the wayside, long before the departure of Daren. Once her world had bloomed with color, but no longer. Even her clothes had slid into monochrome.

Don’t even think about him
, she ordered herself. Easier said than done.
Lord, if you are listening, I do wish him, pray him happiness and real love with this new woman. Obviously he wasn’t the one for me. But then, I’m beginning to doubt there is a man anywhere in my future.
She shook her head.
Just as I doubt You are listening. Or is it that I have a hard time believing You really care about me and what’s going on in my miserable life? If You cared, why would You saddle me with Erika for two whole weeks? I thought this trip was to be a turning point for me.

She paused, as if waiting for an answer. Even the silence felt empty, just like she did.
But then why am I even going on like this if I don’t believe You are who You say You are? All the years I’ve gone to church and Sunday school and memorized my verses and studied Your Word seem like such a waste.
She leaned her head against the bank of pillows.
But then, like Mom said, this might be my chance to get to know my great-grandmother, as much as I can all these years later. Is that important, Lord?
She closed her eyes, the better to think ahead.

The house of confusion was not a comfortable place to live.

Oh, shoot, I didn’t call Mother.
She’d not had it on the list. Promising herself to call from her cell phone once they were on the road, she rolled to her side and let sleep take over.

Somewhere between sleep and dawn, Ragni jerked awake, the terror of a nightmare setting her heart pounding and her lungs pumping. Something black—its breath hot on her back, the stench still in her mouth—chased her, reaching for her neck. She scrubbed her eyes with balled fists and forced herself to take a deep breath. She could still feel, hear, and smell the beast, whatever it was.

She reached for the glass of water she kept on her nightstand and chugged half of it. Did everyone have dreams as vivid as hers? At least whatever it was hadn’t caught her. What did chase scenes mean again? She’d taken a class once on the meaning of dreams so that she could make some sense of her own. Promising herself she’d write it down in the morning, she snuggled down and floated back to sleep. When the alarm rang at five, she punched the Snooze button. Surely there was no need to leave quite so early. Besides, the chances of Susan and Erika being on time were slim to none.

By six-fifteen she was ready, the car loaded with the final things
and the sun jumping higher in the hazy sky. Six-thirty. She dialed Susan’s cell.

“We’re just going out the door.”

From the tone, she knew there’d been fireworks already. And it would take them half an hour to get across town to Ragni’s. She hung up and dialed her mother.

“Good morning.” The tone said it was anything but.

“Bad night, Mom?”

“You could say that. Are you already on the road?”

“Nope.” She explained the delay. “So how’s Dad?”

“Sleeping now. He’s getting more restless—up and down all night, it seems. Susan says I should put him in a secure unit, but I just can’t. This is his home, and he gets fretful when he’s away from it. Enough of that. How are you?”

“Raring to go. Just pray I don’t kill your granddaughter before we get back.”

“Oh, I think once she’s away from her mother, she’ll settle in. Susan does err on the side of perfectionism. Erika has a good heart in spite of all that black she wears.”

Ragni thought back to her dream, something black chasing her. Hmm. Perhaps she had no further to look than reality for an explanation. “Spoken like a true grandmother. I’ll keep in touch. We should still be there by dark if we don’t have any more delays. I made reservations at the Bunkhouse Motel. Finding the cabin will be much easier in the morning.”