The Boy Next Door (27 page)

To: Peter Hargrave

From: Traffic Update

Subject: Congestion at 53rd and Madison

New Yorkers traveling by rail should have no problems with their commute today. For all you road warriors out there, however, it’s a different story entirely. Thanks to an item appearing in the Page Ten column of today’s
New York Journal
, Madison Avenue from 51st to approximately 59th Streets has practically been shut down due to a line of women eager to be interviewed by bachelor millionaire John Trent.

Police are urging drivers to use the FDR for any uptown travel, and avoid the midtown area altogether.

This has been an automated traffic update from NEWYORK TRAVEL.COM.

To: John Trent

From: Michael Everett

Subject: I had no idea

we had such a celebrity in our midst. Would you care to invest any of that $20 million of yours toward the extra security we’ve had to hire in order to get in and out of our own building?

Mike

To: Michael Everett

From: John Trent

Subject: What are you talking about?

Look, I’ve had a really long week moving back into my place. Can you just break it to me, whatever it is, and get it over with?

John

To: John Trent

From: Michael Everett

Subject: Are you trying to tell me

that you did not tell Mel Fuller of the
Journal
that you are currently seeking a bride? And that you have nothing to do with the fact that there are, by last NYPD estimates, twelve thousand women standing on the sidewalk downstairs, demanding an appointment to see you? Because if you’ll take a look at today’s
Journal
, that’s what it says.

Mike

To: Michael Everett

From: John Trent

Subject: LIES!!!

All of it is lies!!!!

Mike, I never said any of those things—you know I didn’t.

I can’t believe this. I’ll be right in. I’ll straighten this out somehow, I swear it.

John

To: John Trent

From: Michael Everett

Subject: Hold on there

pardner. Just stay where you are. We don’t need you strolling in here and causing a mob scene. Stay put until further notice.

Mike

To: George Sanchez

From: Michael Everett

Subject: Excuse me

But you want me to keep MY reporter on a leash? What about yours?

Mine may have loosened a couple of your Senior Correspondent’s teeth, but yours has created a citywide traffic jam! Did you know I couldn’t even get in to my office building today, due to the fact that it is surrounded by ten thousand screaming women—some of whom are dressed in bridal gowns—all screaming, “Pick me”?

This is a hundred times worse than the sinkhole. With that, we couldn’t use the john. But with this, we can’t get in or out of our building without being mauled by desperate single women, anxious to marry and breed before menopause hits.

If Trent doesn’t sue the pants off you, you can be sure we will.

Mike

To: Peter Hargrave

From: Dolly Vargas

Subject: Mel

Well, frankly, I think it’s a scream.

And you can’t let George fire her, Peter. You approved the column, remember? Aren’t you the publisher of this paper? Are you going to stand by your employee and her story, or run for the hills?

Are you a man, Peter, or a mouse?

XXXOOO

Dolly

To: Mel Fuller

From: Nadine Wilcock

Subject: What did you do?

Mel, I do not believe this. I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS. With a single column, you’ve managed to shut down an entire city.

ARE YOU INSANE??? George is going to kill you.

And don’t you think you’ve gone a little far? I mean, yes, John lied to you, and it was wrong. But you’re lying to the entire tristate area—or at least everywhere that the
Journal
is readily available. Two wrongs do not make a right, Mel.

Now you’re going to get fired and then you’re going to have to go home and live with your folks. And then who’s going to be my maid of honor???

Nad :-(

To: Mel Fuller

From: Tony Salerno

Subject: I had to

ride my bike to work today because of the whole mess over there on Madison. There are women of all shapes and sizes lined up outside the
Chronicle
building. It’s like when they drop the ball in Times Square on New Year’s, only everyone is more dressed up. You should see the panicked expressions on the faces of the cops who have been called in. Some of them are wearing riot gear.

Do you feel better now? I think you could safely say the two of you are even.

Tony

To: Mel Fuller

From: Tim Grabowski

Subject: I can’t believe

you’ve finally started using your powers for evil, instead of good. I’m so proud I could burst.

You go, girl.

Tim

To: Mel Fuller

From: Don and Beverly Fuller

Subject: Millionaire bachelor

Honey, I just saw on the news that there’s a man in New York who is looking to marry a nice girl from Staten Island. I know you aren’t from Staten Island, but you are much prettier than all those woman they showed, standing in line. You should go right over there and sign up for an interview because I think any millionaire would just love you.

And be sure to take that picture of you in your Miss Duane County Fair crown and sash! No man can resist a girl in a tiara.

Mommy

To: John Trent

From: Sergeant Paul Reese

Subject: If you were that desperate

you should have said something: I have a sister who’s single.

FYI: This is the first hats-and-bats alert we’ve ever had for midtown. You don’t get a lot of calls for riot masks and sticks up there by Saks. Congratulations.

Paul

To: John Trent

From: Genevieve Randolph Trent

Subject: I am ashamed of you

Of all my grandchildren, you were always the one I least expected to see in any sort of gossip column.

But what does Higgins show me, first thing after breakfast? That horrid story about you and your search for a bride! Who wants to marry a millionaire, indeed!

I can only assume, having read that this piece of garbage was written by none other than M. Fuller, that you have somehow managed to alienate the girl. That, my boy, was most unwise.

I understand further that both your place of employment and now your apartment are under siege. If you wish, I could send Jonesy to fetch you. I hesitate to do so, of course, since it will upset the neighbors if all of those women who are currently chasing after you show up outside our doors. However, I am assured
by the police commissioner, who, as you know, is an old friend, that every attempt will be made to keep the riffraff off our sidewalk. You are welcome to spend the next few days here with me, where it’s safe.

I have also been assured, by Mr. Peter Hargrave, publisher of that filthy rag, that a retraction will appear within the next day or two. He offered to dismiss the girl, but I told him that would be unnecessary. I’m quite certain that she was perfectly justified, whatever her reasons for doing it.

Really, John. You never did learn to play nicely with the other children. I am quite disgusted with you.

Mim

To: John Trent

From: Jason Trent

Subject: Now you’ve done it

You’ve really done it. Mim’s furious.

I suggest you take an extended sabbatical. There isn’t a place you can go in this town where people aren’t talking about you. I heard they’ve even got a new sandwich: the Trent—just two slices of bread with nothing in the middle (on account of you not showing up to the interviews).

Why don’t you come out here to visit with Stace and the kids? We’d love to have you, and you haven’t met your namesake yet. What do you say?

Jason

To: Jason Trent

From: John Trent

Subject: Thanks for the offer

Mim made a similar one. But I prefer to stay here and fester in my own self-made hell.

I can’t say it hasn’t been interesting. I can’t even go down to the corner deli to buy milk without the guy behind the counter offering to introduce me to his daughter. Much as I try to claim the story about my search for a bride isn’t true, people just don’t seem to want to believe it. They like the idea of a guy being rich enough to have anything in the world except the one thing he really wants…the love of a good woman.

Of course, whenever I attempt to explain that I had that, too, but that I managed to louse it up, people
really
don’t want to hear it. It’s like they can’t comprehend the fact that rich does not equal happy.

It hasn’t been too bad, really. I’ve been getting a lot of work done on my novel. It’s funny, though. I actually miss that stupid dog. The cats, too. I’ve been thinking about getting one. A dog, I mean. Or maybe a cat. I don’t know. I don’t seem to be fit to associate with humans.

Not that I don’t keep on trying, though. I’ve been sending Mel flowers every day—even the day after the column appeared. But do I hear squat from her? Not a word. I imagine the sidewalk outside the office of the
New York Journal
is littered with all the floral arrangements of mine that she’s heaved out the window.

Got to go. My Chinese food—for one—is here.

John

To: Mel Fuller

From: John Trent

Subject: You got me.

All right? Are you satisfied? That column caused me untold embarrassment. They still won’t let me come to work. My family is barely speaking to me. I haven’t heard from Max, but I assume he’s been duly chastened as well.

Can we be friends again?

John

To: John Trent

From: Mel Fuller

Subject: Can we be friends again?

No.

Mel

To: Mel Fuller

From: Human Resources

Subject: Suspension

Dear
Melissa Fuller
,

This is an automated message from the Human Resources Division of the
New York Journal
, New York City’s leading photo-newspaper. Please be aware that as of today, your employment at this newspaper
is suspended without pay. Your employment will be reinstated in
3
business days.

This action was taken as the result of a column that you submitted without first going through the appropriate channels. Please note for future reference that all columns must be submitted through your division’s managing editor, and not sent directly to the copy desk.

Melissa Fuller
, we here at the
New York Journal
are a team. We win as a team, and we lose as one, as well.
Melissa Fuller
don’t you want to be on a winning team? So please do your part to see that your work is delivered through the appropriate channels from now on!

Sincerely,

Human Resources Division

New York Journal

To: Mel Fuller

From: Nadine Wilcock

Subject: Suspended???

Are you kidding??? Can they even do that?

Oh, Mel, this has gone from bad to worse! What am I going to do without you for three days? I’m going to die of boredom!

Would it help if I organized a work stoppage in protest?

Nad

To: Nadine Wilcock

From: Mel Fuller

Subject: My suspension

Now, now, it won’t be that bad. I’m sort of looking forward to it. I haven’t had any time off in a quite a while. It will give Paco and me a chance to bond again. And God knows I haven’t visited Mrs. Friedlander in the hospital for ages and ages. Not that she’s noticed, I’m sure, but still, I feel guilty about it…even if it does turn out she’s not going to be my aunt-in-law.

Really, don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Honest.

Mel

To: Don and Beverly Fuller

From: Mel Fuller

Subject: Hi!

I was just wondering if you knew if there were any openings at the
Duane County Register
. You mentioned once that you thought Mabel Fleming would be interested in hiring me as their Arts and Entertainment writer. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m really sick of the city and would like to come home for a while. Could you let me know if Mabel still needs someone?

Thanks.

Mel