âWild and crazy, that's me,' said Tash through gritted teeth. âAlways defying expectations.'
âYou look lovely,' he said. âDoesn't she, short bridesmaid stranger?'
âYes,' I said. âLovely.'
And he smiled and looked happy as they got in the car, flashbulbs going off, and I felt worse than ever.
Â
Â
I didn't know bridesmaids had to stand in receiving lines. This was stupid. Particularly next to Max's very unprepossessing fat best man, who was half-heartedly trying to chat me up with the air of a man who knows he's completely unattractive to women his own age but reckons he might have a shot with someone extraordinarily naïve and is trying to work out just how naïve you are.
âSo, you like Big Events?' he was whispering.
âAs long as they're very hot and exciting,' I whispered
back, making him break out in a slight sweat. God, this is boring. Plus, I was going to have to duck for cover if we saw Tashy's gay boss, whose daughter I was pretending to be.
Olly's eyes bored into mine as he made his way down the line. He was clearly furious with me.
âI hope you're not going to say this is all my fault,' I said when he got to me.
He planted a very unaffectionate kiss on my cheek and tried to smile whilst saying, âWho else's could it be? Everything was fine before you did all this.'
âYes, you believe that,' I said, stung, but he had already passed on.
He held Tashy out at arm's length. âYou are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen,' he said, his eyes drinking her up and down. âThat dress is absolutely perfect.'
Tash got some real colour in her cheeks for the first time that day.
âThank you,' she said. She bit her lip and looked at the floor. Then she reached up and kissed him. âThank you.'
Olly touched his cheek.
âMax,' he said, overheartily. âYou're the luckiest man in the world.'
âLooks like it!' said Max.
âNo. You are,' said Olly quietly. With another look at Tash, and a quick flash of annoyance at me, he crossed the room to inspect the food. I spotted him upending a glass of champagne down his throat in double-quick time, a very unOlly thing to do.
Â
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âYou look like Little Miss Muppet,' said Justin.
âWho even let you in this line?'
âOh, come on, I had to, didn't I? Give us a kiss?'
He looked delicious, in a navy-blue suit, with a lighter blue shirt and tie.
âIs that your first suit?'
âWhy, what's wrong with it?'
âNothing, nothing.'
He was so cute. I wanted to put my hand on his curls, but his brother was right down the line, so I thought maybe best not.
âIt's my interview suit,' he said gruffly.
âFor what? Court?'
âCollege actually.'
Clelland hoved into earshot.
âGiven any thought as to where you're going to go?' I said.
âNo,' said Justin. Then he looked at me again. âMaybe I should stay close to home.'
âJustin, sweetie, thanks so much for coming,' said Tashy. She dragged him over to her by the sleeve, obviously keen at least to look him up and down all over. âYou have grown so much.'
âThat's because you knew me when I was two,' said Justin sulkily, as Clelland took his place.
âI talked him out of Aberdeen,' said Clelland. âGets a little cold up there.'
I looked at him. âYou can say that again.'
He shook his head. âThis is a rum old business, isn't it, Flora?'
âWhere's Madeleine?'
He looked down. There was a long pause. âShe's gone. Had to get back to Africa. I was meant to go too.'
âShe went without you? When?'
He looked even more uncomfortable.
â
When?
'
âPeople there need her more than I do.'
âWas it on Saturday?'
He nodded. So when I was in bed with Justin he must have been ⦠Oh God. This didn't bear thinking about.
He looked at me. âYou look lovely. Are you sure you want to come back, child?'
âDon't call me child,' I said, swallowing hard. Did I want to go back? Did I?
âOK. Are you sure?'
âFuck, no,' I groaned.
âI should never have gone to Africa, you know.' He looked a little misty. âI should have stayed on, got my PhD. Science, maybe ⦠discover something a lot more useful to a lot more people.'
âI was thinking more about maybe going to art college,' I managed to squeeze out. OK, Madeleine had gone, but here he was, advising me to go off and sit exams. Like a child.
âOh, yeah. Oh God, you'll have so much fun.'
âStop it,' I said.
âOK.'
âLook what Tash is putting herself through for me.'
â
OK
.'
He stepped sideways, put his arms round Tash and gave her a massive squeeze. âHey,' he said to her softly. âYou've done an amazing thing. You really have.'
âDon't talk toss,' she said, slightly muffled.
He put her down. âYou'll be fine. I know it. I just do.'
âGoodness, no one can keep their hands off my woman today, it seems,' said Max in that slightly stiff way of his. âI thought wearing white was supposed to keep all that under control.'
âIt's cream,' said Tashy.
âOh,' said Max. âWell then.'
Clelland smiled, shook Max as briefly as possible by the hand and disappeared into the throng. I noticed, with a horribly sick
déjà vu
, that Justin was having a conversation with Oliver about the food, waving a sausage covered in sesame seeds.
âThere you are, darling!' It was my mum. âWe thought you were great up there.'
âA true pro,' said my dad. âEffortless. Although you could have smiled a bit more for the photos.'
âMy mouth was tired,' I said.
âLook at all this!' My dad nudged Tashy. âGosh, you guidance counsellors must be making more money than I thought!'
âDad!' I tugged on his arm. âDon't be embarrassing.'
âMr Scurrison,' said Tashy, turning it on with a huge big smile. âHow lovely of you to come. Wasn't Flora magnificent?'
âWe're so proud of her,' said my dad. He swallowed and glanced at me. âAlmost made us remember our big day, eh, Joyce?'
âOoh, it was a long time ago!' said my mother, but she blushed a little, nonetheless, and he pushed her on the shoulder.
Tash raised her eyebrows at me. Then she redoubled her efforts.
âHi,' said a character to me. âI'm Marshall. Isn't this fabulous?'
âHi, Dad,' I said, without prompting.
Â
Â
That was the longest dinner of my life. A dinner, too, I'd already eaten, so I was denied the pleasure of guessing whether the salmon would be cold or pan-fried. Between us, Tashy and I ate about enough to sate a very small mouse who'd spent the morning at a cheese and wine party.
The speeches were interminable too. Oddly, whilst Max's was exactly the same â and, for me, even worse, because I could wince now even longer before we got to the far-approaching punchline â her dad's was somehow different. He seemed less proud, less sure of himself; less confident all over. This wasn't good.
I was on the top table, and glumly watched my parents urge each other to try different foods, and giggling and glancing at each other throughout the toasts. At one point they even clinked glasses. My dad was trying too hard. Oh God, I couldn't do it. I couldn't go back. They needed me here, they really did. How could I take this away from them? I was dreading it. But if I didn't, then all this around me was a waste. A waste of lives, a waste of money, a waste of everything. I looked at my mum's smiling face and thought back to when she sat here before, nervously checking with me in case she had to pay for anything, or whether or not it was OK to take second helpings. Olly, on another table, spotted me looking at my mother â who, of course, had not the slightest clue who he was. He smiled ruefully then raised his eyebrows.
At last, at last, with the coffee still warm in my mouth, the caterers looked as if they were starting to clear the tables away. I had to get out. I had to clear my head. I needed to think. I looked at Tashy.
âI'm going out â¦'
âRun,' she said. She was drinking rather heavily for a bride. âRun as fast as you can and never look back.'
âI was thinking more of a walk around the garden.'
âWhatever,' she said dully. I took off like a bolt of lightning.
Â
Â
Oh God, here it was again. I'd forgotten about the stupid effing fountain. I walked around it, resisting the urge to kick it. Such a beautiful day. In the distance, I could see my parents too, taking a little walk in the sunshine. Were they holding hands? Oh, crap. Maybe I shouldn't go. Maybe I had to.
I sat on the side of the fountain, idly lifting my skirt, and stretching my legs out in front of me, twirling my skinny ankles, admiring the sheer, unfreckled whiteness of my legs, the lack of wrinkliness in the knee. Who knew you got wrinkles in your knees? Not me.
âHere!' Justin looked triumphant. âJohn's bloody watching me like a hawk, but I managed to sneak away and I got these.' He handed over two bottles of pink Bacardi Breezer. He must think it was my favourite. âCigarette?' he proffered me a Benson & Hedges.
âGod, no. Don't even think of it, stinky boy.'
He rolled his eyes. âWhatever.'
He stretched out on the grass. âThis isn't too bad after all, now, is it? Lift your skirt up again.'
I smiled. âWhat do you think this is, lapdancer central?'
âI cannot wait till I'm twenty-one,' said Justin dreamily. Then he remembered himself. âNot that they'll be as nice as you.'
âYou're probably right,' I said.
I had been having slight second thoughts about everything we'd done before. Maybe he would think all girls were as easy as me and get turned into some kind of daytime TV presenter sex fiend. But, watching him as he smiled lazily, completely relaxed, getting grass stains on his new suit, half closing his eyes against the late afternoon sun, I figured he'd be alright.
âYou'll be alright,' I said out loud.
âWhat're you talking about?' he said, blinking.
âYou'll be fine.'
âUh, yeah. Maybe you shouldn't drink so fast in the hot sun.'
âHey!' shouted Clelland, striding over the lawn. His tie was loosened and he'd unbuttoned his shirt a little. It made him look adorably ruffled.
âWe were just talking,' I said, trying not to look guilty.
âI hope so.'
âWe were.' I was blushing again.
He looked at me, and I melted.
âWell, anyway â¦' he said. âAre you smoking?'
âNo!'
âOh. Right. God. No, it's just ⦠they're about to cut the cake.'
âFlora! Flora!' It was my mother's voice. âThey're cutting the cake! You should come to see it.'
âYes, yes,' I said. Olly too was now running out of the house, running for me.
âThey're cutting the ⦠!'
He was shouting, and I suddenly felt very tender for him, looking out for me; tearing across the short grass just to make sure I was alright.
âCake cutting?' said Justin, closing his eyes again. âThat sounds boring.'
âYou're not needed, squirt,' said Clelland.
âFine,' said Justin. âI'll stay here. Come back soon, Flo.'
I looked at him, and suddenly a lump welled up in my throat. I was frozen to the spot.
âI don't know,' I said.
âFlora,' said Clelland, softly.
I looked again at Justin, lying stretched out on the grass, like one of those beautiful boys from pictures of Edwardian house parties, not long before they all went off to Belgium to get slaughtered.
I clutched Clelland's arm.