The Body Language Rules (24 page)

looking at a deadpan or even scowling response .

The good news is that it doesn't matter one

whit! Whatever our faces do--and I'm speaking

for customers everywhere here--we're thinking

our smile inside . It's just that it could take a few

years before it reaches our lips . We've often been

commuting and that means we've spent an hour

or two dogfacing . I Lean forward slightly when you first speak . It shows an

intention and a desire to help . I Use eye contact . I Tilt your head very slightly to one side . Not too much or

you'll look sickeningly cute . I keep appropriate space between you and your customer .

Around four feet is good, unless you're being pushy

for a sale in which case make it a little more . 330 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I keep in mind the status balance . Buyers are always

considered higher in status than sellers . It doesn't

mean you have to grovel, but your body language

should reflect that fact . Receptionists who look

pompous or high on themselves will annoy the hell

out of a customer . Look confident and in control,

but never stand more upright or look more relaxed

than your customer . Avoid basic status displays,

too, like hands on hips, too much eye contact, or a

puffed chest .

I Illustrate your instructions with your gestures . If you're

working at a hotel desk or reception, you'll already

be aware that people take stupid pills before they

walk into the building . We can't take directions and

we're terribly bad at listening to instructions . Tell

us our room is on the left and we'll go to the right .

Say "second floor" and we'll take the elevator to the

fourth . And you don't even want to see us struggling

with the lighting and the electric coffee maker or the

shower once we get into the room . Never patronize,

but remember that by miming how to place that

plastic card in the door lock or how we should turn

right once we get out of the elevator we're much less

likely to come back and ask for more help .

I Stand, don't sit . I hate reception desks with a very

deep loathing . They're outmoded, outdated, and k I LL e R O c c AS I O n S 331

they need to be reinvented . When you go to a posh

hotel or a large, ritzy company, you have to line

up at them in exactly the same way that you have

to line up at the post office . One major company

has just introduced the idea of hosting a lobby

rather than having the reception desk setup, and

I'm breathless in admiration . Walking to approach

a visitor is miles better than making them line up

at a desk . I keep your computer in its place . Never let it get above

its station . It's the customer that counts, not some

uppity screen and keyboard combo . Never have

your eyes fixed to your screen when your customer

is about . I never overly lower your status . Customers like to be

dealt with by someone who looks confident, knowl-

edgeable, and in control of their area . Looking

nervous or groveling won't work . I If you deal with a complaint or an irate client, use a technique

called matching and pacing to influence them to calm down .

Telling people to be calm will only make their

anger turn into rage . Instead, make sure your body

language mirrors some of their distress to enable

you to reach some stage of empathy . This means

you apply an expression of concern to your face

via a slight raising of the eyebrows, a subtle lean 332 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

forward, and a posture that says you're ready to help

sort their problem out . If their pace of movement

is fast, then yours should speed up a little . If they're

using dramatic gestures, then yours should be a

little bit bigger . Listen to their problem then start

to bring them down by defusing their anger rather

than intensifying it . Mirror--pace--lead . Slightly

copy, then become slowly calmer yourself and they

should take your lead and become less irate .

I When you're using mirroring to create rapport or empathy

always take your lead from the customer . If they look cheery

or chatty, follow suit . If they're quieter or more

formal, formalize your own body language . Never

go for the push . Pushing is when you try to change

their state regardless of their own feelings . Has this

ever happened to you? You're walking along the

high street and a charity solicitor approaches being

cheeky and persistent . You push your way past and

into your bank . Inside they've strung up balloons

and a perky greeter asks in a sing-song voice what

she can do for you today . This type of approach is

called scorched earth, and it takes no heed of the

customer's mood or feelings .

I having said that, I do feel it's vital, even in brief transactions,

for you to "make the customers' day ." Connect but don't

overdo it . Smile, display friendly body language, k I LL e R O c c AS I O n S 333

and have a very brief friendly word with them . Be

sympathetic if it's raining or crack a small joke if

they're looking cheerful . Often it's the very smallest

transactions that make someone's day worthwhile .

hOW TO geT A PAy RAISe Remember, when these amazing tips work I want a cut of the profits!

I Plan your approach . Never work on instinct . Leaping

into the elevator with your boss and calling that an

opportunity to chat about your job is reckless to the

point of being extremely dumb .

I Do masses of pre-meet work . In the weeks or months

leading up to your "ask," you should be raising your

profile and exhibiting all those reasons why your

boss should be awarding you more money .

I Be punctual and be seen looking keen and vigorous . Sit near

the front at meetings and make positive points .

Visualize what a vital employee of your company

would look like and then become that person . Go

for visuals above proper work . There's absolutely

no point working late or turning up early if the boss

isn't there to see you .

I Target the big cheese . It is completely pointless to

spend one whisker of time trying to look good to

anyone other than the person who will be making 334 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

the decision about your pay raise . It is a good rule

in business to trust no one . Therefore, jumping

through body language and image hoops in the

hopes your line manager will report favorably on

you to the HR manager or whoever is probably

going to be time wasted . Always perform in front of

your target audience; never work by proxy .

I make an appointment for your "ask ." Choose the time

carefully . Is he or she a morning or afternoon

person? When does his or her job get really busy?

When does he or she prefer to mellow and chat?

What time does he or she like to leave work? Tune

in to his or her thinking and mood patterns .

I Try not to drop hints . People are easier to persuade if

they're caught on the hop, before they've had

time to formulate their response . If you're asked

for a reason for the meeting, try the Trojan Horse

technique, telling your boss it's about the order

numbers in accounts then adding the pay raise on

to the agenda once you're in the meeting .

I Look as though you expect a favorable response . It's hard to

say no to people who are looking keen, open, and

friendly . If you look defensive or aggressive, you'll

have done half their work for them already, making

it much easier for them to say what you're obviously

already thinking . k I LL e R O c c AS I O n S 335

I Face them front on, sit upright, and don't fiddle . Use eye

contact as you ask for the pay raise and never drop

your gaze at the crucial point . Avoid face-touching

or face-covering gestures or you'll look defensive or

as if you don't believe your own points . I keep it simple . Simple points to persuade and simple

body language to back them up and make them

look convincing . I When you tell them why you should have a pay raise, make

your reasons sound as if they're for their benefit rather than

your own . Although it might be valid to say you're

up to your ears in the mortgage, it will have a

greater influential effect if you can tell them why

the business will gain from your added income .

This is called the WIIFM principle: "What's in it

for me?" I never use signals of suppressed aggression or challenge . It

only makes it easier for them to say no . Workplace

conflicts never lead to resolution . Never offer

threats or you'll kick off a status or power battle

that only a boss can win . I For this reason keep your own body language slightly subser-

vient to theirs, although always display confidence . If you

look overpowering you might even make them

want to say no . There have been many moments

when I have been keen to make changes to suit the 336 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

person talking to me but their attitude has made

me relish the opportunity to turn them down .

I never display signs of suppressed anything . Sitting in front

of your boss looking like a volcano about to erupt

will only ever change your state for the worse .

Breathe out and leave all emotional baggage outside

the room . Red faces, hands balled into fists, bulging

eyes, tearful eyes, lip chewing, hand wringing, or

baleful staring will do nothing to add value to your

argument . Look intelligent and reasonable .

I emotion is better issued verbally in the workplace . Physical

displays tend to be the equivalent of losing face,

which is why a proper leader is usually portrayed

as calm at all times . Nobody's stopping you from

discussing your feelings, though . Keep in mind that

a nonverbal display of anger or upset will normally

turn people off and devalue your point but saying

something like "I have to tell you that I feel very

angry about this" and dishing it up with calm

logical body language and vocal tone will make

your message far more potent .

hOW TO hAVe An OFFIce ROmAnce All affairs begin, occur, and end in a welter of body language signals that are always far too potent and obvious to mask with any ease . There's something k I LL e R O c c AS I O n S 337

intrinsically funny about sex at work . Maybe it's the cultural clash, with offices that are primarily set up for logical, planned thinking and behavior suddenly suffering a tidal wave of unbridled emotions; or perhaps it's the way that employees who are normally respon- sible adults can turn into reckless teens keen to throw all caution to the winds as they start groping or even having sex at office parties or photographing their bare behinds on the office photocopier .

It affects the highest in the land . Who can forget the mental image created by stories of Monica Lewinsky and the cigar?

There's obviously a serious side to all this as well, but for anyone thinking of embarking on some workplace sexual shenanigans and expecting to be able to keep it all under wraps, here's your thought for the day: you won't!

Why not? Well, your body language will give you away . Office or workplace environments tend to create a lot of in-tune people . There's a colony feel to the teams and groups that form and, like any animal colony, survival depends on the ability to read and sense one another's nonverbal messages . Sexual nonverbal messages don't take a lot of sensing . For a start, there's a natural desire to pair people off . Every colony has its own speed-dating section and if two of its members tend to register as a possible match, their names will have come up in people's 338 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

minds and they'll get monitored . So, some simple points if you're trying to bury your affair:

I never ignore one another . Ignoring is the oldest trick

in the book and the most easily discovered . Once

you're into your affair or even just embarking on it

you'll have an instinctive desire to overreact when

the object of your affection's name is mentioned .

To suppress and mask this urge to blush, giggle, or

suddenly pay massive attention you'll probably overly

perform in the other direction and start ignoring

them instead . Far from throwing people off the

scent, it will only increase speculation, especially if

you're ignoring someone who sits at the next desk .

I Do arrive together . Arriving apart is the surest sign

of guilt, especially if you're caught dropping your

sex-mate off around the corner from the premises

and making them walk the last bit . There's

something about sod's law, too, that says the more

effort you put into arriving separately the more

events will conspire to make you pitch up at the

same time . I know one couple who would split up

about a mile from the premises and he'd finish the

journey on a bike . By the time she'd parked and

he'd secured his bike again, they inevitably ended

up colliding in the revolving doors at the front of

the building . k I LL e R O c c AS I O n S 339

I Don't stare . Staring is an inevitable by-product of