Authors: Jeannette Barron
With a full mouth, he grunted and nodded his agreement.
Lily surprised herself by saying, “I don’t think she likes me.”
Janie shot a look at her brother, telepathically encouraging him to say something. But either he didn’t get the message or was playing dumb; she was pretty certain it was the latter. “Don’t concern
yourself with it too much,” she consoled. “Mom doesn’t like anybody at first. She didn’t like my husband until after
we were married.”
An unfamiliar voice to Lily’s right added, “The only person I’ve ever seen her take to quickly was Kim. But everybod
y likes Kim, right?” She peered over at the approaching stranger. “Hi, I’m Brian, Jimmy and Janie’s’ favorite cousin.” Dressed in a polo shirt with the collar up, tight fitting pleather pants, and loafers without socks, Brian looked ready for a trip to the mall, not a country picnic. He extended a limp hand. “Lily, right? Kim’s told me all about you.”
Lily shook his hand, understanding
why Jimmy was adamant that no one believed Brian and Kim’s charade. His cousin looked and acted effeminate, but didn’t seem the least bit covert about it like she’d expected.
“Kim told me you were pretty, but I think stunning is a better word. You should let me do your makeup and hair
someday. Kim lets me do makeovers on her all the time. I’m really rather good at it.” He gathered her wavy hair and started arranging it loosely in a bun, pulling down tendrils to frame her face. “Jimmy, wouldn’t you like to see her play up that whole sexy librarian thing. Oh boy, that could be lots of fun.” Brian gave him an exaggerated wink. “And for you, my beefy cousin,” he plucked Jimmy’s hand from the table and examined it. “You could really benefit from some moisturizer. I have just the thing at home.”
Jimmy was struck speechless, an uncommon occurrence.
Brian and Janie exchanged guarded grins, whereby it became obvious to Lily that Brian was purposefully trying to make Jimmy uncomfortable.
Jimmy shrugged and shoveled more foo
d in his mouth. But he was saved from more of his cousins’ taunts with shouts for him to join a game of touch football. “What do you think?” he asked Lily, already rising.
“We’ll take care of her
,” Janie and Brian chimed together.
Brian sidled up to Lily on the bench and waved his cousin away. “Run along, and be sure to tell them that next year I’ll try and remember to wear my cleats. I play an excellent tight end.”
Jimmy patted Lily on the head and sprinted off.
The moment he was gone, the cousins
unleashed their laughter. Janie panted, “Please, no more. I can hardly breathe. This kid has himself parked on my lungs. No more. No more. You’re so mean.”
Brian argued
with a smile, “Oh, come on. I’m not mean. Jimmy’s too nice. When he acknowledges that I’m gay, I’ll stop torturing him.”
Lily interrupted, “He knows.”
“I know he knows, but why won’t he say something to me?” Brian stole a chip from Lily’s plate and continued, “he’s the only male cousin who doesn’t treat me like I’ve got something contagious. If he’d acknowledge it, I’d stop being naughty and we could be friends again like when we were kids. I’m as interested in house design as he is. We used to talk about that kind of stuff all the time.”
Lily pushed her food around on her paper plate.
“He’s probably waiting for you to say something.”
“That’s Jimmy’s whole problem,” Janie cla
rified, piqued. “He likes for everything to be hunky-dory, no ripples; so he keeps his mouth shut. But what he hasn’t figured out is that sometimes you have to rock the boat in order to get what you want. I’m sure he misses Brian too, especially now that he’s got that house of his built and is dying to have someone help him decorate it. Brian has a degree in interior design, for goodness sakes. Jimmy walks around pretending that everything’s okay. That’s what he did with Laura for the longest time, too.” Realizing what she said, and in whose company she said it, Janie’s cheeks flushed and her interest in her half eaten meal renewed itself. She bit into her hotdog and out of the corner of her mouth uttered, “What I’m trying to say is that Jimmy needs to stop ignoring the obvious and take action.”
“Exactly.”
Brian agreed. “And I’m trying to teach him a lesson.” Noticing Lily’s confusion, he backtracked. “I outed myself a couple of months ago to everyone. Jimmy wasn’t there, he hasn’t been around much lately, but I’m sure he heard about it. He still refuses to say anything. All I want is a simple,” Brian deepened his voice and inserted a twang, “hey cuz, heard about your thing, and it’s all cool with me.” Dropping the impersonation, he finished, “Then we could live happily ever after, and I’d help him pick out curtains.”
“So why is Kim here, then? Jimmy said…I thought she was posing as your girlfriend.”
“Nope. Everybody likes her so much she has a standing invitation to all family fun now.” With obvious sarcasm, he added, “Lucky girl.”
The conversation shifted to
the faults of others and Lily sat content in their company, grateful that neither Janie nor Brian expected any input from her. They watched the football game while they talked. Of the people she recognized, it appeared that Kim, Ed, and Tom were on the opposite team from Jimmy and his other brother, Steve, whom she’d briefly met earlier. Although the game was labeled as touch football, it seemed to get rougher as the score gained importance.
Even from a distance, Lily could tell her roommate was losing patience with Ed’s eternal devotion and protection of her during plays. She refused his hand when he offered to help her up. She shoved him out
of the way when he attempted to play both of their positions. And incoherent screeches were heard when Ed jumped in her way, taking a pass meant for her. As usual, Ed remained unperturbed and determined as ever to win her affections. Lily felt a touch of guilt at finding their interactions so funny, like when he tried to woo her so pathetically last year during lunch.
In an attempted punt, the ball sliced right and landed far off in overgrown patch of brush. Both teams were too impatient to wait for the ball's retrieval to continue. So Tom, always looking for a reason to get his hands on a woman, threw Kim over his shoulder and drove for the end zone. She was handed from brother to cousin again and again as the teams faced off in a new
game of “Kim ball” with no apparent goal other than to make Kim shriek. The game gained popularity as each cousin took his turn, until suddenly everyone stopped and began drifting back to the pavilion, exposing the two remaining players, Kim and Jimmy standing toe-to-toe shouting at each other. They were too far away to hear what was being said, but Lily could tell by her roommate's flailing of her arms that something had gone very wrong.
Tom and Steve dragged
a reluctant Ed away from the field. When they got close, Janie asked her brothers, “What’s going on?”
Steve answered, “Hell, if I know. Kim was playing along until Jimmy got a hold of her. Then she went ballistic. And when she started in on him, he started yelling right back. We all decided to let them just have at it. They’ve obviously got a problem.”
“
Their problem
is that they need to find a room and work things out between the sheets,” interjected Tom with a sneer.
“Shut up!”
Ed growled as he struggled to free himself from his much larger brothers and rescue Kim. “She’s not interested in Jimmy and besides his girlfriend’s right there, you idiot!”
“Sorry, Lily, I just call ‘
em like I see ‘em,” Tom shrugged and exited in search of food.
Lily was uncertain what to do and who to check on first, her boyfriend or her best friend. They inadvertently made that decision easier for her when Jimmy left the fight and marched in the direction of his mother and Kim headed toward a mostly deserted sandbox.
By the time Lily reached her roommate, Sara had already nestled herself in Kim’s lap and was close to falling asleep. Sam was lying on his stomach in the sand reciting multiple parts in a dialogue all about his new car and hiding from Boss Hogg. Lily took off her shoes, sat across from Kim, and buried her feet in the sun warmed sand. There were only a few stragglers remaining on the playground, as most everyone had returned to the pavilion.
Kim spoke
softly, “I told their dad I’d watch them while he packed up. He’s got his hands full now that Janie’s so far along and so uncomfortable.”
“They both seem to really like you.”
Kim stroked Sara’s hair while the toddler sucked her thumb, forgetting and then remembering it was there as she drifted off. “I really like them, too.”
Lily prodded, “From what I’ve heard today, everyone in the family really likes you.”
“Well, I guess they’ve kind of adopted me as their own.” She peeked over at Sam and then with wet eyes continued, “But it looks like it might just be too good to be true.”
“Why?”
“I’m not Brian’s girlfriend. I’m not anybody's girlfriend, as Jimmy so clearly pointed out. I don’t think he wants me here.” Kim wiped the tears away with the back of her hand.
Lily asked,
“That’s what your fight was about?”
“You saw us fighting?”
“Everybody saw you fighting.”
“Shit.” Kim looked back at Sam t
o see if he’d heard, but he was still lost in his imaginary world. Ironically, so was she, until a little while ago.
“Did Jimmy say he didn’t want you here?”
“No.”
“What were you fighting about, then?”
Kim sighed. “I don’t know… the game, him touching me... you. None of it made sense. There’s just a lot of tension between us right now. I think I’ll stay away for a while.”
“Is Jimmy the reason I haven’t seen you at home much?”
Kim nodded.
“I’ll talk to him tonight. I think I can fix part of you
r problem with Jimmy.” Lily retrieved her shoes, and walked away, ignoring the puzzled look on her roommate's face.
15
They left before sunset, but not before Grace cornered Lily alone and took her final swing. If Lily hadn't
already made up her mind, that last jab would have done it for her. Nonetheless, she felt surprisingly secure with the day's events. She'd passed today's test, by her own standards anyway.
Jimmy gripped the steering wheel like a skydiver grips his para
chute pull. He tried concentrating on the twists and turns of the road and not his struggling conscience. They'd survived the picnic; he'd make sure they survived the drive home.
The tiring day, hum of the radio, and the fading light helped to settle Lily's nerves. She'd done this a dozen times without hesitating, but nagging remorse proved a powerful
procrastinator. She hoped Jimmy would prove his cousin and sister wrong and introduce the looming conversation himself. Instead, they drove on in silence as she debated on how to begin.
She spoke gently, so as not to disturb the fragile peace that pressed around them, protecting them, holding
the consequences at bay. "I never thanked you for my Christmas gift," Lily began.
Jimmy must have felt the refuge of the quiet, too, and answered softly, "You're welcome."
"Finding my sister did help, just like you thought it would."
Silence.
"I'm surprised that you never asked what happened between Dani and me.”
"I wanted to, but I figured you'd tell me if you wanted me to know."
"I want you to know." Flashes of her sister's face as a rebellious teenager and then a beaten adult emerged from the darkness of Lily's window. Two faces of a coin that they could have easily shared, if Lily hadn't kept her promise to old Mrs. Jones and won that scholarship.
"My sister was angry with
me from the moment I got there." The next part of the story she knew she could only bear to say once. The words sliced her throat as they escaped. "She told me she ran away from the home because the night supervisor raped her when she tried sneaking into my room." Lily remembered lying in bed, praying Dani would come to her, rehearsing over and over her apology for shouting that forbidden phrase, 'I hate you.' Now, she knew that Dani had tried to come to her that night. How would both of their lives be different today, if she'd made it? What if?
"She blames me for what happened. She went on to blame me for my mom and dad leaving us too." Th
e picture of her sister heavily painted, spewing hate, flickered across the dark glass like a movie. This time she didn't watch Dani; instead, she watched herself change in that moment. "I just sat there and let her unload years of rage on me. When I was kid, or maybe not so long before I met you, I would l have taken ownership of all of it---all of her pain. I would have played the villain, the victim, the peacemaker---whichever role she needed me to assume---whichever role made her love me again. I realized something while she was throwing her grenades; I don't have to dance for her anymore. I don't have to be her target or anyone else's."
Lily rewound the video in her head to a time when she and her sister went on adventures together in the nearby creek bordering the woods by their parents' house. They'd crawl out the window unnoticed while
their mom laid on the couch, Dani outlining their plans for the future as they explored, two sisters conquering the world. "Even before the home, Dani would make up stories about how she'd go to college, get a good job, and take care of me. We'd be free from our mother's crazy moods, Dad's drinking-induced depression, and never be poor again. We'd make a new life for ourselves. What I realized as I watched her is that Dani wasn't angry at me, but at herself. Sure, she had made promises to me, but she'd also made promises to herself. Seeing me again reminded her that she broke those promises---all around."
The headlights of passing cars momentarily blinded her, changing her vision, startling her back to the present. She sat up straighter in her seat and shrugged off the old memories. "I was able to separate myself from my past that day. Who I am today is not who I was. My sister is ashamed of who she's become. Not me. I did it. I kept my promises to myself. I went to college. I have a job. I'm independent."
Jimmy's grip relaxed. He'd noticed a change in her and now he understood. After all these months, he could forgive himself for meddling. But Lily seemed far from done in her explanation. He'd never heard her put so many sentences together.
With growing strength, she continued, "The other thing I realized that day is that I'm not broken like I thought…like I told Kim."
Jimmy looked over, trying to catch her expression, but couldn't see her well enough in the dark. He asked for clarification, "Broken?"
"I always thought there was something wrong with me, because I wasn't interested in the whole marriage with
kids thing. I never wanted a serious relationship. Kim and I have gone round and round about it; her practicing that psychology crap and picking at my brain. So I decided that if I didn't want what everyone else wants, what she wants, then I must be broken."
The conversation had come full circle back to the day’s revelations. Jimmy flipped the radio off.
Here we go. I can't ignore this any longer.
Lily wasn't so consumed by her jabbering that she didn't notice Jimmy's tightness return. She took a deep breath and plunged forward. "Even though I'm no longer ashamed of my past, I'm still aware that it shaped me, and how I see the future. I know who I am
; I know what I'm not. And I know what I want. Every time I let somebody convince me otherwise, someone gets hurt. So I'm done pretending." She reached across the seat and smoothed the hairs at the nape of his neck, savoring these final moments with permission to touch. In a tone much lighter than the weight crowding her chest, she said, "I'm not broken; I'm just different and not even the best guy in the world can change me without hurting us both in the process."
He took her hand and pressed it to his mouth, bracing it there, stalling. He was tempted to pull over, to do this right, to offer her his full attention, but he knew his heart and his mind weren’t in total agreement yet. Looking into Lily’s solemn green eyes would make him hesitate. He’d convince himself he could still change her; he could make her happy.
The truth was palpable. She’d generously let it loose, and it refused to be pushed aside again. Jimmy released the breath he'd been holding for months, and said, "I know, darlin', but I'll never regret trying."
Fighting back tears, she whispered, "I'll never regret trying either."
She snuggled into him and he welcomed her. Stroking her side, memorizing the feel of her, Jimmy drove on.
Tears escaped the wel
l-constructed dam Lily had built for herself as a child. She fought to harness the real depth of her emotions until she was home and alone. She'd just given Jimmy a long speech about how okay she was with her life; she couldn't drop that pretense now. She needed a distraction. Shifting her position, remaining close, and relishing every minute she had left to enjoy his warmth, she blurted, "You know, usually when I break up with someone there's a big, nasty fight. I think it's easier that way."
H
e forced a smile. "I haven't picked a fight with a girl since I was twelve. And since then, I've learned there ain't a fight with a woman you
can
win---even if you’re right. This would be easier if I didn't like you. But I couldn't think of a mean thing to say, even if I tried."
"Your mom could."
"What?" Jimmy choked.
"When you left me to help one of your dozens of uncles carry his grill back to his truck, your mother and I had an interesting talk. Well, as you can imagine, she did all the talking.
You'll be shocked to learn that she doesn't like me," she said, placing her hand to her mouth in mock surprise. "She was emphatic that I'm not the one for you. She said something like, 'When pigs fly, you’ll have my boy!'"
"Oh shit, Lily. I'm sorry. Kim warned me, but I thought my mom had enough sense to keep some stuff to herself. Is that why…because of what she said?"
"No." She answered flatly and then continued on, changing the subject again. "But speaking of Kim, your mother likes her very much, as does everyone in your family. It was funny the way everyone kept praising her to me like I was her parent or something."
"Yeah, I heard of some of that, too. I think they're rallying to get he
r married into the family as soon as possible."
Lily knew she wasn't any good at tricking people into giving up i
nformation. Subtlety was not a strength of hers, and perhaps that was one of many reasons she’d chosen to keep her mouth shut most of the time. But on this rare occasion she'd decided to talk, she figured there was no point wasting her breath on finesse. Why not just be blunt about it? She had nothing left to lose. He had never really been hers to keep. "Does Kim know you have feelings for her?"
"Excuse me?!" The truck swerved on to the shoulder, spraying gravel on the quarter panel, keeping time with Jimmy's frantic pulse.
Although his response answered her question, she waited for him to get control of the vehicle and himself before asking it a little differently. "Have you told Kim that you have feelings for her?"
"Lily, we broke up only thirty minutes ago. I don't need another girlfriend just yet." He felt like a trapped rat. A rat cornered by his clairvoyant ex in a truck on a dark highway twenty
miles from civilization. This was not a conversation he imagined having with Lily now or ever.
He parried, "And since when do you play cupid? You hate that stuff."
"I mostly only hate it when it involves me."
"Well, I hate it when it involves me, too."
Lily shrugged.
"Fair enough. But...I want you to know I'm okay with it. You and Kim would be great together. Do me a favor, okay?" She didn't wait for his agreement. "When the two of you stop trying to spare my feelings and finally become a couple, don't sneak around behind my back like criminals. Do it right. You both deserve better and there's nothing to feel guilty about."
Jimmy gave no reply, not even with his body language
. He'd make a great model for a drawing class. The sketch entitled:
Man drives truck...off of cliff.
She knew she should stop torturing him with this particular topic. But she had to admit, she was enjoying dumping her thoughts before they accumulated and clogged her mind. Maybe she was having the big breakthrough Kim had hoped for when she took Lily on as her unwilling patient. She laughed to herself. Would her roommate see the irony in all her hard work changing her from a shy, guarded person into an outspoken antagonist?
Moving on.
Two topics breached, one to go.
"Hey, did you know Brian outed himself to your family a couple of months ago?"
Jimmy noticed the little smirk on Lily's fa
ce and wondered what this break-up had unleashed in her. Sly smiles were his trademark, not hers. Wearing a grin now while he felt so flustered would only make him look stupid, not witty or clever. Thankful for the change in topic, but not the chosen subject, he answered, "Yup."
"He wants you to say something to him about it."
"Like what?” he shot back. “Hey, I heard you're a homosexual. Good for you!"
"Yes. I think that would work." Lily chuckled, remembering Brian's impersonation of Jimmy and how close he came to getting the words and inflection just right.
"I'll sound like a dumb ass," he argued. "Besides, there's no point in stating the obvious. If he knows I know, then we should leave it alone."
"Jimmy, sometimes stating the obvious is
exactly
what you need to do in order to get what you want.” She stopped to remember. “I believe that may very well be a direct quote of Janie's. You know, your brothers don't seem too smart, but your sister is a
genius
. Anyway, are you listening?" She waited for Jimmy's nod, which she could see clearly now that they'd returned to town and street lights guided them home. "Brian said he'd help you with your house when you acknowledge that he's gay. It's that easy, Jimmy. You give him what he wants and you'll get what you want."
"Really.
He said that?"
"I haven't lied to you once since we met. Why would I start now?"
Jimmy grumbled, "Damn Lily, you've got me so worked up I'm sweatin' like a dog shittin' a peach pit." She released an easy laugh as he wiped his brow with his shirt sleeve. "This has
got
to be the strangest break-up ever,” he said under his breath.
Lily experienced some perverse satisfaction in riling Jimmy. Now she understood why he did it to her and everyone else. As he pulled into her empty carport, her heart sank, realizing she'd no longer be gifted with his teasing or his smiles. The brazen Lily of the last hour
retreated. She would wait inside behind closed doors, where she'd confront the truth and its wrath alone.