The Bakery Sisters (72 page)

“I mean every word.”

“You can't.” He drew in a breath. “I love you, Jesse.”

The words were meaningless, she told herself, even as they searched for a way into her heart. No! She wouldn't give in, wouldn't be weak again. If it was just her, maybe. But Gabe was on the line here.

“You don't love anyone but yourself. You don't know how to love. You're not sorry about what happened, you're sorry you got caught.”

“Jesse, no. That's not true. You can't walk away from me.”

She stared at him. “Five years ago I
begged
you to believe me when I said I hadn't done anything wrong. But you wouldn't listen. You only cared that you'd been hurt. The irony is, I didn't do anything wrong. But did you bother to find out the truth? You believed what you wanted to believe, not based on my actions, but on my past. Something you were never a part of.”

She sucked in a breath, determined to stay strong. “I came back with the idea of us being a family. I didn't expect to still have feelings for you. I thought we'd be friends and you'd be Gabe's father. I did everything I could think of to make up for you not being a part of his life. I didn't judge you on anything but your actions. You're still Gabe's dad and I won't stand in your way as far as seeing him, but what we had, what we felt is dead. I will never forgive you, I will never trust you and if it wasn't for the fact that your son would miss you, I would honestly tell you to go to hell and mean every word.”

She pushed him aside, unlocked her car, got in and drove away. She was proud of herself for not completely losing it until nearly a mile later when she had to pull over because she couldn't see through all the tears.

J
ESSE KNEW SHE'D MADE
a mistake as soon as she walked into the Starbucks. It was in Woodinville, by the Top Foods, a warm, cheerful place with plenty of seating. She'd never actually been to that one before, although she'd driven by it a thousand times. The problem wasn't the location, it was the memories. She and Matt had first met at a Starbucks. Five years might have passed, but she could recall everything perfectly. The way he'd looked, what he'd said, how she'd followed him and had boldly offered to change his life. As if she had the magic answer to anyone's problems.

Now she knew better. She knew that she was more than capable of making a mistake, of misjudging a situation. There was no magic—only the potential to have her heart ripped out and kicked to the side of the road.

“Dramatic much?” she murmured to herself as she climbed out of her car and approached the Starbucks. Okay, maybe a slightly more rational frame of mind would help.

She stepped into the store and looked around. She didn't see Matt at first, but knew he had to be there. She'd noticed his car in the parking lot. She spotted him sitting at a table outside. She ordered an iced tea then walked out to join him.

There was a second or two before he looked up. A moment when the breeze played with his hair and the sunlight illuminated his profile. A moment when he was just the man she'd always loved, not her enemy.

Her heart thudded faster in her chest. How much of that was from anticipation and how much from terror? She didn't think he could really take Gabe from her—she believed in the end she would win. But what would the battle cost all of them?

She straightened her spine and steeled her nerves. She had asked for this meeting. It was her moment to play, her game to lose. Only it wasn't a game…not when Gabe was at the heart of all of it.

Matt looked up and saw her. There were shadows under his eyes and a tightness to his expression that spoke of loss and sadness. She could almost feel badly for him. Except
he
was the problem. She had to keep reminding herself of that. She had to remember how
she
felt every minute of every day as she remembered what she'd thought she had and what had been lost.

“Jesse.” He stood and pulled out a chair for her. “Thanks for agreeing to see me.”

“We have a lot to talk about.”

He waited until she was seated to sit himself. He'd always had good manners, she thought. That was Paula's doing.

“You heard I had lunch with Gabe?” he asked.

“Your mom told me. That's what made me set this up. We need to work out some kind of visitation schedule. Gabe enjoys spending time with you and consistency is important.”

“I agree.”

His gaze was steady, his voice low. She couldn't let herself look at him for too long. It was like staring at the sun—she could get hurt, perhaps permanently.

“I'll go along with whatever schedule you want,” he told her. “I'll make myself available.”

The expression in his eyes seemed more sad than angry. “Jesse, I'm more sorry than you can know. I took what you gave me and threw it away. That was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. I want to make it up to you and to Gabe.”

“How?” she asked, feeling tired beyond words. “You can't undo what happened, Matt. Look, Gabe wants a dad and you want to be one. Great. So we'll move forward from that. You'll see him and have a relationship with him.”

“But not with you.”

“No. Not with me.” She clutched her tea. “I wish it could be different.” More than he knew. Despite everything, she still loved him. The problem was she no longer had any hope where they were concerned.

“It can.” He leaned toward her. “Everything can be different. You got the paperwork, right? Withdrawing the custody petition? Just give me a chance. Let me prove myself to you. Let me show you who I am.”

Unexpectedly, her eyes began to burn. She stood quickly. “I already know who you are. What you are. I can never let myself trust you or believe in you. You've shown me that in the clearest way possible. So stop trying. Let me know what schedule works best for you with Gabe. Then we can finalize the details of your visitation.”

He rose at the same time that she did. “This isn't the end. I'm not giving up. I love you.”

The words hurt more than anything else he'd said—mostly because she desperately wanted to believe him. “People in love don't do what you did, Matt. E-mail me a schedule that works for you and I'll get back to you within a day or so.”

“Jesse, no. Stop. Talk to me. There has to be more.”

She looked at him. “There should be, but this is all we have now.”

Then she left, doing her best not to run, not to show weakness. But it was hard to go, with her eyes filled with tears and her heart begging her to listen and given him one more chance.

 

M
ATT'S SUGGESTED DATES
and times for seeing his son arrived in Jesse's e-mail, along with a notice from her bank about an automatic deposit. Jesse stared at the large amount and suspected it would appear at the same time every month. It was child support. Matt had found a way to get her the money.

She didn't bother wondering how he'd found out her bank account number. A man like him could do that easily. Computers were his thing. And he had near unlimited resources.

No doubt her bank would be stunned by her new balance. She'd always been one of those customers who sometimes had to ride her balance down to the last couple of pennies. She'd never bounced a check, but it had been close a few times. She'd struggled for so long and now there was more than enough.

Her first thought was to put most of it aside to pay for Gabe's college, but to what end? Matt would take care of that. She could offer Paula rent, again, but doubted she would take it. Eventually she would move out and get her own place, but Paula had made it clear she didn't want that to happen anytime soon. Jesse wasn't in a hurry, either. Paula loved being with her grandson and Gabe thrived under her attention. Jesse appreciated having another adult around. So for now, she would stay.

Gabe ran into her bedroom and stood next to the bed where she sat with her computer on her lap. His eyes were big, his expression hopeful.

“It's Grandma's birthday on Saturday,” he said in a loud whisper. “I heard Uncle Bill say that. Grandma needs a party.”

Paula's birthday? Jesse had never known the date. She pushed her computer aside and scrambled off the bed. “You're right,” she told her son. “We need to have a big party for Grandma.” She had a feeling Bill would want to take Paula somewhere nice for dinner. “What about lunch? We could have balloons and presents and a cake.”

“And ice cream,” her son said, clapping his hands together. “And presents.”

“Lots of presents.” Paula might not be willing to accept rent money, but she wouldn't turn down a few gifts. Jesse knew it was the least she could do. Plus it would be fun. “I'm going to go tell Uncle Bill our plan. I think the party should be a surprise.”

Gabe grinned. “A secret?”

“Uh-huh. So you can't tell.”

“I won't.”

She had her doubts. Excitement usually won out in the four-year-old consciousness, but either way, Paula would know she was loved and appreciated.

“Can Daddy go shopping with us?” Gabe asked.

Jesse hesitated. “He'll buy his own presents for his mom.”

Gabe's chin came up—a sure sign he was about to be stubborn. “I want Daddy to go shopping with us.”

Refusing would be so easy. She could say that Matt was busy and Gabe would never know the difference. Except that would be lying and she'd done her best to never lie to her son. But spending time with Matt?

She hurt every time she thought of him. Her heart ached and her body burned. She missed being around him, missed his touch, his laugh, the way he knew her, understood her. Telling herself that knowledge had allowed him to devastate her didn't take away the fact that she still loved him.

“I'll ask him,” she promised, knowing it was the right thing to do. Knowing she would get through it and hey, maybe even be stronger for it. She would ignore the fact that every time she was with him, another piece of her heart withered and died.

 

G
ABE SNIFFED ONCE
, then sneezed. Matt laughed. “Not that one, huh?”

His son wrinkled his nose. “It doesn't smell like Grandma.”

Jesse bent down and touched Gabe's cheek. “Are you sure you want to get perfume? Grandma might like a nice sweater, or some gloves to keep her warm this winter.”

Their four-year-old shook his head. “I want 'fume. But it has to smell like Grandma.”

Matt glanced at the sales associate who had patiently sprayed scents on half a dozen paper sticks and handed them to Gabe. “Sorry about this,” he said. “We should have headed him off earlier.”

She smiled. “That's fine. The right scent is important.”

She was pretty enough, and smiling in a way that let Matt know she was more than interested. Not that he cared. His attention was solely on Jesse, who had been polite and emotionally distant ever since he'd picked both her and Gabe up an hour ago at his mom's place.

He'd been surprised when she'd called him about his mother's birthday and pleased when she'd suggested the three of them go shopping. Even her making it clear that the idea had been Gabe's didn't detract from his pleasure in her company. However he got to spend time with her was fine with him. He would use every minute to his advantage.

“You don't like any of these?” Jesse asked.

Gabe shook his head.

“Not even this one?” She picked up the sample of the first fragrance.

“Uh-uh.”

“Maybe we should take a break from perfume shopping,” Jesse told the boy. “I want to get Grandma a sweater, so let's do that and we'll try somewhere else.”

“Okay.” He slipped his hand in hers. “Grandma likes red.”

“Yes, she does.” Jesse glanced at Matt. “Is this making you crazy?”

“Not yet.”

She smiled. It was an easy smile that told him, at least for the moment, she'd forgotten to be on her guard. Then the smile faded and she looked away.

“We should go upstairs,” she said. “I saw sweaters there.”

Matt hesitated. “I'm going to grab a coffee. You want one?”

“No, thanks.”

He waited until they'd gone up the escalator, then returned to the perfume counter. The girl was waiting.

“You're back,” she said, her tone suggestive.

He ignored that. “The first perfume we tried. What was it?”

“Shi by Alfred Sung. It's lovely. One of my favorites.” All he cared about was that Jesse had liked it.

“Give me a bottle. Or a set. Do you have a set?”

She showed him a box with perfume and lotion.

“I'll take that.” Maybe showing Jesse that he paid attention would help.

He caught up with them over a table of sweaters. She glanced at his package. “What happened to the coffee?”

“I changed my mind.”

She held up a dark red sweater. “I think Paula would look great in this. What do you think?”

“I agree.”

She glanced at the price and winced, then shrugged. “She's worth it.”

He wanted to point out that the money he'd deposited in her bank account would keep her comfortable, but guessed that was the wrong tack to take. He also didn't offer to pay for the sweater. She would take that as an insult.

“Now we're getting 'fume?” Gabe asked as they stood in line to pay.

Jesse nodded. “There's a Sephora store here. Let's try there. You might like the Philosophy scents.” She looked at Matt. “They're really clean and appealing.”

“Then we'll go there next.”

She paid for the sweater. Matt took the bag from the clerk. “I can carry this.”

Jesse hesitated. “Thanks.”

They walked toward the escalator. As they paused at the top, waiting for a couple of women to go in front of them, he put his hand on the small of her back.

He felt the heat of her body through the fabric of her long-sleeved T-shirt. She didn't react at all. Was she aware of his touch? Enduring for the sake of Gabe? What did she think when she looked at him? Did she allow any possibility of forgiveness?

One step at a time, he reminded himself. He'd worked his plan before and it had turned into a disaster. This time he was going to live the moment, doing the best he could to prove himself to her.

They left Nordstrom's. Matt motioned to the Ben Bridge Jewelry store. “I need to stop here.”

Jesse raised her eyebrows. “Really?”