The Art of Happiness (25 page)

With this in mind, I asked him, “Do you ever find yourself being too rigid in your viewpoint, too narrow in your thinking?”

“Hmm ...” he pondered for a moment before replying decisively. “No, I don't think so. In fact, it's just the opposite. Sometimes I'm so flexible that I'm accused of having no consistent policy.” He broke into a robust laugh. “Someone will come to me and present a certain idea, and I'll see the reason in what they're saying and agree, telling them, Oh, that's great!‘ ... But then the next person comes along with the opposite viewpoint, and I'll see the reason in what they are saying as well and agree with them also. Sometimes I'm criticized for this and have to be reminded, 'We're committed to this course of action, so for the time being let's just keep to this side.‘ ”

From this statement alone one might get the impression that the Dalai Lama is indecisive, with no guiding principles. In fact, that couldn't be further from the truth. The Dalai Lama clearly has a set of basic beliefs that act as a substrate for all his actions: A belief in the underlying goodness of all human beings. A belief in the value of compassion. A policy of kindness. A sense of his commonality with all living creatures.

In speaking of the importance of being flexible, malleable, and adaptable, I don't mean to suggest that we become like chameleons—soaking up any new belief system that we happen to be around at the time, changing our identity, passively absorbing every idea that we're exposed to. Higher stages of growth and development depend on an underlying set of values that can guide us. A value system that can provide continuity and coherence to our lives, by which we can measure our experiences. A value system that can help us decide which goals are truly worthwhile and which pursuits are meaningless.

The question is, how can we consistently and steadfastly maintain this set of underlying values and yet remain flexible? The Dalai Lama has seemed to achieve this by first reducing his belief system to a few fundamental facts: 1) I am a human being. 2) I want to be happy and I don't want to suffer. 3) Other human beings, like myself, also want to be happy and don't want to suffer. Emphasizing the common ground he shares with others, rather than the differences, results in a feeling of connection with all human beings and leads to his basic belief in the value of compassion and altruism. Using the same approach, it can be tremendously rewarding simply to take some time to reflect on our own value system and reduce it to its fundamental principles. It is the ability to reduce our value system to its most basic elements, and live from that vantage point, that allows us the greatest freedom and flexibility to deal with the vast array of problems that confront us on a daily basis.

Developing a flexible approach to living is not only instrumental in helping us cope with everyday problems—it also becomes the cornerstone for a key element of a happy life:
balance.

Settling comfortably into his chair one morning, the Dalai Lama explained the value of leading a balanced life.

“A balanced and skillful approach to life, taking care to avoid extremes, becomes a very important factor in conducting one's everyday existence. It is important in all aspects of life. For instance, in planting a sapling of a plant or a tree, at its very early stage you have to be very skillful and gentle. Too much moisture will destroy it, too much sunlight will destroy it. Too little will also destroy it. So what you need is a very balanced environment where the sapling can have a healthy growth. Or, for a person's physical health, too much or too little of any one thing can have destructive effects. For example, too much protein I think is bad, and too little is bad.

“This gentle and skillful approach, taking care to avoid extremes, applies to healthy mental and emotional growth as well. For instance, if we find ourselves becoming arrogant, being puffed up by self-importance based on one's supposed or actual achievements or qualities, then the antidote is to think more about one's own problems and suffering, contemplating the unsatisfactory aspects of existence. This will assist you in bringing down the level of your heightened state of mind, bringing you more down to earth. And on the contrary, if you find that reflecting on the unsatisfactory nature of existence, suffering and pain and so forth, makes you feel quite overwhelmed by the whole thing, then, again, there's a danger of going to the other extreme. In that case you might become totally discouraged, helpless, and depressed, thinking that‘Oh, I can't do anything, I'm worthless.' So under such circumstances, it's important to be able to uplift your mind by reflecting on your achievements, the progress that you have made so far, and your other positive qualities so that you can uplift your mind and get out of that discouraged or demoralized state of mind. So what is required here is a kind of very balanced and skillful approach.

“Not only is this approach helpful for one's physical and emotional health, but it applies to one's spiritual growth as well. Now, for instance, the Buddhist tradition includes many different techniques and practices. But it is very important to be very skillful in one's application of the various techniques, and not to be too extreme. One needs a balanced and skillful approach here too. When undertaking Buddhist practice it is important to have a coordinated approach, combining studying and learning with the practices of contemplation and meditation. This is important so that there won't be any imbalances between academic or intellectual learning and practical implementation. Otherwise, there is a danger that too much intellectualization will kill the more contemplative practices. But then, too much emphasis on practical implementation without study will kill the understanding. So there has got to be a balance....”

After a moment's reflection, he added, “So, in other words, the practice of
Dbarma,
real spiritual practice, is in some sense like a voltage stabilizer. The function of the stabilizer is to prevent irregular power surges and instead give you a stable and constant source of power.”

“You stress the importance of avoiding extremes,” I inserted, “but isn't going to extremes what provides the excitement and zest in life? By avoiding all extremes in life, always choosing the ‘middle way,' doesn't that just lead to a bland, colorless existence?”

Shakinghis head no, he answered, “I think you need to understand the source or basis of extreme behavior. Take for example the pursuit of material goods—shelter, furniture, clothing, and so on. On one hand, poverty can be seen as a sort of extreme and we have every right to strive to overcome this and assure our physical comfort. On the other hand, too much luxury, pursuing excessive wealth is another extreme. Our ultimate aim in seeking more wealth is a sense of satisfaction, of happiness. But the very basis of seeking
more
is a feeling of not having enough, a feeling of discontentment. That feeling of discontentment, of wanting more and more and more, doesn't arise from the inherent desirability of the objects we are seeking but rather from our own mental state.

“So I think that our tendency to go to extremes is often fueled by an underlying feeling of discontentment. And of course there may be other factors which lead to extremes. But I think it is important to recognize that while going to extremes may seem appealing or ‘exciting' on the surface, it can in fact be harmful. There are many examples of the dangers of going to extremes, of extreme behavior. I think that by examining these situations you'il be able to see that the consequence of going to extremes is that you, yourself, will eventually suffer. For example, on a planetary scale if we engage in excessive fishing, without proper regard for long-term consequences, without a sense of responsibility, then it results in depletion of the fish population... Or sexual behavior. Of course there is the biological sexual drive for reproduction and so on, and the satisfaction one gets from sexual activity. But if sexual behavior becomes extreme, without proper responsibility, it leads to so many problems, abuses ... like sexual abuse and incest.”

“You mentioned that in addition to a feeling of discontentment, there may be other factors that lead to extremes....”

“Yes, certainly.” He nodded.

“Can you give an example?”

“I think narrow-mindedness could be another factor that leads to extremes.”

“Narrow-mindedness in the sense of...?”

“The example of excessive fishing leading to depletion of the fish population would be an instance of narrow thinking, in the sense that one is looking only at the short term, and ignoring the wider picture. Here, one could use education and knowledge to widen one's perspective and become less narrow in one's viewpoint.”

The Dalai Lama picked up his rosary from a side table, rubbing it between his hands as he silently mulled over the issue under discussion. Glancing at his rosary, he suddenly continued, “I think in many ways narrow-minded attitudes lead to extreme thinking. And this creates problems. For instance, Tibet was a Buddhist nation for many centuries. Naturally that resulted in Tibetans feeling that Buddhism was the best religion, and a tendency to feel that it would be a good thing if
all
of humanity became Buddhist. The idea that
everyone
should be Buddhist is quite extreme. And that kind of extreme thinking just causes problems. But now that we've left Tibet, we've had a chance to come into contact with other religious traditions and learn about them. This has resulted in coming closer to reality—real—izing that among humanity there are so many different mental dispositions. Even if we tried to make the whole world Buddhist it would be impractical. Through closer contact with other traditions you realize the positive things about them. Now, when confronted with another religion, initially a positive feeling, a comfortable feeling, will arise. We'll feel if that person finds a different tradition more suitable, more effective, then that's good! Then it's like going to a restaurant-we can all sit down at one table and order different dishes according to one's own taste. We might eat different dishes, but nobody argues about it!

“So, I think that by deliberately broadening our outlook we can often overcome the kind of extreme thinking that leads to such negative consequences.”

With this thought, the Dalai Lama slipped his rosary around his wrist, patted my hand amiably, and rose to end the discussion.

V
ictor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist imprisoned by the Nazis in World War II, once said, “Man is ready and willing to shoulder any suffering as soon and as long as he can see a meaning in it.” Frankl used his brutal and inhumane experience in the concentration camps to gain insight into how people survived the atrocities. Closely observing who survived and who didn‘t, he determined that survival wasn't based on youth or physical strength but rather on the strength derived from purpose, and the discovery of meaning in one's life and experience.

Finding meaning in suffering is a powerful method of helping us cope even during the most trying times in our lives. But finding meaning in our suffering is not an easy task. Suffering often seems to occur at random, senselessly and indiscriminately, with no meaning at all, let alone a purposeful or positive meaning. And while we are in the midst of our pain and suffering, all our energy is focused on getting away from it. During periods of acute crisis and tragedy it seems impossible to reflect on any possible meaning behind our suffering. At those times, there is often little we can do but endure. And it's natural to view our suffering as senseless and unfair, and wonder, “Why me?” Fortunately, however, during times of comparative ease, periods before or after acute experiences of suffering, we can reflect on suffering, seeking to develop an understanding of its meaning. And the time and effort we spend searching for meaning in suffering will pay great rewards when bad things begin to strike. But in order to reap those rewards, we must begin our search for meaning when things are going well. A tree with strong roots can withstand the most violent storm, but the tree can't grow roots just as the storm appears on the horizon.

So where do we begin in our search for meaning in suffering? For many people, the search begins with their religious tradition. Although different religions may have different ways of understanding the meaning and purpose of human suffering, every world religion offers strategies for responding to suffering based on its underlying beliefs. In the Buddhist and Hindu models, for example, suffering is a result of our own negative past actions and is seen as a catalyst for seeking spiritual liberation.

In the Judeo-Christian tradition, the universe was created by a good and just God, and even though His master plan may be mysterious and indecipherable at times, our faith and trust in His plan allow us to tolerate our suffering more easily, trusting, as the Talmud says, that “Everything God does, He does for the best.” Life may still be painful, but like the pain a woman experiences in childbirth, we trust that the pain will be outweighed by the ultimate good it produces. The challenge in these traditions lies in the fact that, unlike in childbirth, the ultimate good is often not revealed to us. Still, those with a strong faith in God are sustained by a belief in God's ultimate purpose for our suffering, as a Hasidic sage advises, “When a man suffers, he ought not to say, ‘That's bad! That's bad!' Nothing God imposes on man is bad. But it is all right to say, ‘That's bitter! That's bitter!' For among medicines there are some that are made with bitter herbs.” So, from the Judeo-Christian perspective, suffering can serve many purposes: it can test and potentially strengthen our faith, it can bring us closer to God in a very fundamental and intimate way, or it can loosen the bonds to the material world and make us cleave to God as our refuge.