The Arrangement Anthology (38 page)

CHAPTER 4

He’s said those words before, but they never sunk in the w
ay they do now. I smile at him—like I don’t understand, like I know he’s gay and doesn’t mean it that way. Marty watches my face, looking for a reaction, but I don’t want to react. I don’t want anything to change. Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing. My emotions are a jumble. I don’t trust my senses. It’s just not possible, so I disregard the weird tension between us. Mentally, I laugh for being so stupid. He doesn’t
love me
, love me.

I smile at him and say it back. “I love you, too.”

Marty doesn’t move. He sits on the edge of his bed and watches me. The look makes my stomach dip. God, I’m messed up. I’m not even feeling things right anymore. He’s gay. That isn’t what he meant. He doesn’t like me like that, but even as I think the thoughts, I notice his eyes dip to my lips. The sound of my breath fills my head, and my pulse pounds harder. Marty leans in ever so slowly. He pauses right before his mouth touches mine. We’re a breath apart.  I’m frozen. Half of me thinks that this isn’t happening, that I’m wrong about him. I don’t know what to do.

Marty’s breath is warm. I feel it pass across my lips as he exhales slowly. Just as he lowers his lashes, a loud thud comes from the door. It’s directly across from us. We both turn our heads just in time to see Mel walk inside.

When Mel looks up, she laughs like something is horribly funny. “Talk about things that look wrong.”

Marty jumps up and grabs his drink
from the counter. “Why did I agree to be key buddies with you?” He glances at me and holds my gaze for a moment before turning away. I have no idea what’s going through his head.

Mel plants her hands on her hips. “
I don’t know. That was kind of crazy once you start thinking about it.”

“You’re not supposed to let yourself in whenever you want,” Marty grumbles.

I glance at Mel and then Marty. When did they exchange keys? They must be hanging out without me.

Mel claps her hands together. “Well, l
et’s get going, ladies. It’s already late and I want my pancakes.” I look at her for a second and feel really uncomfortable. My gaze drops. She notices. “Awh no. Mel does not do awkward, so cut that shit out. Last night never happened. You understand?”

“We need to talk.”

“Hell no, we don’t need to talk about a damn thing.” She won’t look at me now.

I scoot to the edge of the bed and throw my feet over the edge. They land on the floor. I press my fing
ers to my temples and try to navigate this mess as best I can. To do that, I need details. I want to know what occurred between them, if anything. The whole situation is too weird, especially with Marty watching me. I glance at him for half a second. He’s sipping his coffee, avoiding my gaze. Was he seriously going to kiss me? I feel like I’m losing my mind.

“What happened?
” I ask Mel bluntly. Blunt works best with her. “I need to know. When you showed up last night and Sean opened the door, what’d he do? Did you guys do anything?” My voice catches on the last word. The thought makes my stomach sour. What if they kissed? What if they…did what me and Henry did. I don’t think I could bear it, but I ask. I have to know.

Mel works her jaw and stares at Marty with eyes that are too big for her head.
Marty remains perched on his stool and doesn’t look back. “Is she deaf? She didn’t just ask me that, did she?”

Marty turns. His
brows flick and he glances at me out of the corner of his eye before grabbing a towel from the closet. “She did and she’s on the edge, Mel. Push her off and I’ll bust your ass.”

Mel’s he
ad jerks as her jaw drops open. “Are you threatening me, Princess?”

“Damn right, I am.” Marty’s voice is too deep, too
stern. His gaze narrows as he stares Mel down. “She’s been through enough shit to last a lifetime. Ask her where I picked her up last night. That’ll tell you everything.” Marty looks over at me like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. Instead he disappears into the bathroom and the shower turns on. My gaze follows after him. How did he know? I never told him where I grew up, but he seems to realize the devastation that brought me to my knees last night. Going to the old house didn’t help.

Mel takes Marty’s seat at the counter. She looks at me
. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed. “Where’d you go last night?”

I shrug. “It doesn’t matter.”

She jabs her thumb toward the bathroom and says, “He thinks it does. Where were you?”

I look up. Mel is
severe, but there’s worry in her eyes. “What’d you do with Sean?”

She stiffens. We stare each other down for a moment. Mel finally rolls her eyes and the tension in her back gives way. “Fine. I’ll g
o first. When I showed up at his door, he asked if you were okay. He didn’t put it together until I told him that Black sent me, that I was there because he ordered a call girl. He stared at me and asked me in. I can’t tell him no, and I didn’t think he’d do anything. He’s too wrapped up in you.” She shakes her head and looks up, smiling at me. “First thing he says is, ‘what do you want to eat?’ He orders me a pizza and goes back to work. I watched a couple of movies while he pulled his hair out trying to get some techno-nerd thing to work out on paper. The arrangement was that he’d tell Black that I was phenomenal and I wasn’t supposed to tell you anything. But you got there early and the shit hit the fan.”

“He didn’t kiss you?”

She smirks. “He didn’t touch me. Not even a handshake.” My gaze falls to the floor. I don’t know what to think. Mel’s voice snaps me back to reality. “Now you, where’d you go last night?”

I shove my h
ands into my hair and rub my scalp with my fingertips. When I look up at her, I say it. I just spit it out because Marty tattled. “Home. I went by the house, okay.”

Mel’s larger than life expression
falters. It’s gone in a flash. She’s off the stool and next to me, but I don’t want her pity. I can’t stand it when people act like I’m falling apart. It’s already happened. I wish they’d just accept me the way I am, because I’m all fucked up and no amount of sympathy is going to change that.

“And...”

I’m off the bed, standing, pacing. I move too much when I’m stressed and I have more anxiety than I can manage. “And nothing. Marty picked me up out front.” I don’t tell her the memories that flooded my mind. I don’t tell her about the train station or the walk down those streets. There are no words. Mel cut her family off. Mine was ripped away from me.

The bathroom door opens and Marty walks out. He’s wearing dark jeans with a ripped knee and a form fitting tee shirt the same color as his eyes. His golden hair is tousled, like he just rubbed it with a towel. I stare at him. I wonder if he slept next to me, but I’m afraid to ask, afraid of what’s happening to us.

Mel glares at him. “You knew about this—you knew she went to her old house and didn’t call me?” she snaps at Marty.

Marty is
looking at me with those big brown eyes. There’s an unreadable expression on his face. It’s like he just figured out how incredibly messed up I am. “I didn’t realize it was her childhood home.”

She pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs.
Mel ignores Marty and turns back to me. “So, what are you going to do now? You can’t handle this guy, Avery.”

“I can’t handle this life, Mel. I’m up to my neck in bills.” I round on her.
I’m sick of people thinking they know what it’s like to be in my shoes. They don’t. Even Mel has no idea. The muscles in my neck are so tense that my voice sounds strangled. “Do you know what I dream about? Do you know what I see when I close my eyes at night? Water. It’s everywhere and I can’t swim anymore. It’s exhausting. I stop swimming as the sea creeps up my shoulders, and then my neck until the top of my head goes under. Every fucking night, it’s the same dream. I drown in black water.”

Mel is quiet for a moment.
“Did going home help? Did you have the dream last night?”

I think about it
. I’m not sure. “I didn’t dream anything last night.”

I wonder why. I always have nightmares. Some are worse than others, but it’s a normal part of my life. They started when my parents died and never went away. There are two dreams. In one I’m alone and drowning in an unending ocean. In the other, I’m screaming, telling my parents not to go, but they can’t hear me. It rips my heart out of my chest every time, making all
the scars ache like the accident just happened.

I feel Marty’s gaze on the side of my face. I turn and look at him. “What?” I wish he’d say whatever it is that he’s been thinking. I’m too brain dead to figure it out.

He smiles at me and looks away. “Nothing.”

Mel watches the two of us. Her gaze flicks between me and Marty, like she’s trying to figure out a puzzle. She shakes her head and says,
“Come on. It’s pancake time. Get this girl some clothes and let’s get going.” Mel claps her hands together and rubs. Marty grabs a pair of sweat pants from his closet and tosses them to me.

I decide to eat first and shower later. Maybe some fresh
air and food will clear my head.

CHAPTER
5

I manage to go to a few of my classes, but I’m so tired. When I walk back to the dorm, I’m thinking about Sean. I wish he was here
. I wish my life made sense. Nothing is stable. It feels like everything is shifting beneath my feet. Every time I think I figured things out, the world gets tipped on its side again. I can’t stand it. I’m clinging, hanging on but it doesn’t make a difference. It doesn’t matter how much I try, nothing changes for the better.

As I walk through the parking lot, I glance over at my car. Sean is sitting on the hood. His jacket is zipped up to his neck. It’s freezing outside. He
slips off the hood and rushes over. I stop and stare at him, like he’s an apparition.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” I say back, still shocked to see him. My mood is so fragile. I know what I need to say, I just don’t want to. “Sean, this isn’t working out—”

“I know. I just wanted to check on you. Last night was…” he lets out a jagged breath and runs his hands through his hair.

“Intense.” The wind blows hard. I fold my arms around my middle and shiver. I still don’t have a winter coat. “There’s no way we can do this, Sean. I’m not allowed to have relationships and I don’t think you really want one. If you did, you wouldn’t be calling Black.”

Sean presses his lips together and looks away. A dusting of dark stubble lines his rosy cheeks. “You’re right. So what now?” He looks up at me from under his lashes. He’s so beautiful and so completely
messed up.

I stand there,
my mouth hanging open for a moment, just staring at him and basking in the absurdity of the situation. I’m the hooker he can’t get over. He’s beautiful and I’m a train wreck. We’re both beyond repair. Maybe there’s no hope for either of us.

Sean watches me too closely for someone who doesn’t care. His sapphire eyes finally flick up to my face. “Do you want me around? I think that’s the question at the most basic level. I’m not worth keeping. I know that, but I need to hear it from you.”

“Don’t do self-deprecation, Sean.” I look away. There are students walking across the parking lot. Marty and Mel will flip out if they see him here. “Where’s your car?”

Sean
jabs his thumb behind him. “I’m on the chrome monster you liked.”

“Let me grab my jacket and helmet so we can go somewhere and talk.” I go to turn away, and then look back at him and add, “If you think it’s worth the bother.”

“You are definitely worth the bother. I’ll wait for you.” Sean looks at me in a way that makes my stomach dip. It feels ominous, like he’s really saying that he’ll wait for me, forever.

I return to the parking lot a few moments later
, wearing the gear he gave me with a clingy black sweater. As I zip the jacket, I feel Sean’s eyes slip over me. “Ready.” I throw my leg over the back of the bike and we’re off.

Sean jumps on the Parkway and when we stop, we’re at
Sunken Meadow. It’s a state park on the north shore. The beach is rocky, but there’s a boardwalk and a little place to grab a snack. Sean fastens our helmets to the bike. We go to the little snack shop and order coffee. Sean hands me my steaming cup.

We go back outside and
stroll down the boardwalk. It’s fairly empty, because it’s too cold for sane people to be strolling along the beach. The air smells like it’s going to snow. It has the sharp crisp scent. I breathe it in deeply.

I finally say, “I have no idea where to start, so I’ll just jump in. The hookers bother me. I don’t understand why you still need that.”

Sean nods and looks straight ahead. The wind ruffles his hair, tossing it every which way. “That’s a good place to start. I don’t like you sleeping with other guys, but it’s something you have to do. It’s how I ended up with you. I wish you’d stop, but I can’t ask you that. I know what it means if you do. I know what you’d be giving up.” Sean glances over at me. “I don’t…” He presses his lips together and starts over. “I need them, the nameless faces, because it’s the only way I can deal with the pain. When it’s too much, I call. I take control back—”

“By having sex with strangers—”

“By dominating another person. By controlling them so thoroughly that I’m distracted from my life. Fear makes sense to me. They should be afraid of me.” Sean’s eyes glaze over as he speaks. He’s breathing hard, like memories he wants to forget are pounding into him.

I stop walking. Sean slows and looks back at me. “That’s why you can’t do it with me? Because…” I’m not a stranger, because he knows me.

“You’re not afraid of me. I know you and I want to make you happy, not scared.” Sean tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. I’m lost in his gaze, in his voice. I hate this. I wish he’d take me in his arms and let the past go. I don’t realize it until the thought fully forms in my mind.

I laugh. “I’m a hypocrite. I was with someone last night and you didn’t even ask me about it.” I groan and rub my face with the heel of my hand.

“You’re not wrong to ask about my, uh, preferences. It says something about me. And I’d like to know what you did, and who you did, but I don’t think I could bear hearing the details. I don’t want to share you and the thought that Thomas has had you twice—” Sean’s fists clench at his sides and he lets out a rush of air. “I can’t even think about it.”

I smile at him. I didn’t notice before, but I see it now. “You’re jealous?”

“Jealous is an understatement. I want you for myself, but I don’t want to hurt you. You’re already hurting so much. You’ve become an enigma, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

We walk over to the railing and look out at the waves. “Then, maybe we shouldn’t do anything.”

Sean is leaning forward on the rail, but when I speak he straightens and turns toward me. “You want to go our separate ways?”

“Maybe,” I say weakly. “We survived apart for a long time. Ever since we met, it feels like everything is spinning out of control.” I laugh bitterly. “I can’t tell you how many times I thought about trying to be what you need, about letting you do whatever you
wanted to do to me.” I stare at my fingernails like they’re fascinating.

Sean is still. He’s
barely breathing. “You have?”

I nod, then smile like it’s
a stupid idea. “We can’t go there, can we? I mean, that place isn’t for us. And it doesn’t matter what I offer you, you’ll still need that control. I don’t see how it would work anyway. Even if I let you do it once or twice and we have sex that way, that’s all you have with me, once or twice. After that, I won’t be as freaked out. I’ll know what you’re going to do and you won’t get your, uh, reprieve.” When I finish talking, I look up at him.

Sean’s lips are parted. H
e looks so torn. I think he’s going to say something, but he turns back to the railing and leans on it. Sean squeezes his hands together, wringing them tightly. “I can’t believe you thought about doing that for me.”

“I would have, I just don’t see the point. It won’t last, and then what? Then
, we’re back here asking the same questions with the same problems. I’ll still be a call girl and you’ll still be ordering my friends to give you what I can’t. It sucks.” I swallow the rest of my coffee and toss the cup in a wastebasket that’s on the other side of Sean.

When I reach past him, my arm brushes his and he jumps. Sean steadies himself and closes his eyes for a second. “It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.”

“Part of it, yeah. I shouldn’t see you anymore.”

“But…?”

“But I can’t stay away from you. I know what you’re talking about with the pain becoming unbearable. The only thing that breaks it for me is you. Something about you makes me feel like I might pull through even though, I’m inches away from a crash. It’s stupid, but—”

He puts his hand over mine. “It’s not stupid. I know exactly what you mean.”

Looking into his eyes, I ask, “So what now? I’m not okay with you doing other girls.”

Sean tosses his coffee into the trash can. Then he
puts his hands around my waist and tugs me to him. Our hips line up and press into each other. He tilts his head to the side. “I’m not okay with you being with other guys. How far did you go the other night? Can you tell me? Will you tell me?”

I smile softly. This is my Sean. This is the one I want, the imperfectly perfect version that’s vulnerable. “Will I tell you?
Do you really want me to?”

He nods. His eyes are locked on mine. Sean swallows hard, watching me, waiting for an answer
that he doesn’t want to hear. He leans in and presses his forehead to mine. “Please, Avery, tell me. Not knowing is worse than knowing.”

I take a deep breath and put my hand on his shoulder. “Are you sure you want to know?”

Sean looks up from under his lashes. He presses his lips to mine for a second and nods. “Yes.”

This is the weirdest conversation I’ve ever had. It’s like he’s asking me to hurt him, but some of his assumptions are wrong. I lower my gaze. My voice is soft.
“We kissed, he touched me—ran his hands over my body—and saw me in the outfit you picked out.” Sean is so tense, but he doesn’t speak. He continues to look at me like I’m slipping away from him. “Should I go on?”

“Yes.” His jaw locks after he says the word.

“He kissed my neck and my breasts before he…” I’m breathing too hard. I can’t tell him this stuff. It looks like it’s killing him. The pain on his face makes me cut to the last part. “Sean, he hasn’t had me yet.”

He blinks
like he couldn’t have possibly heard me right. “What?”

“Henry likes me. He wanted to ask me out, but since I’m working for Black—”

“He can’t.”

“Right, so he ordered me. I didn’t have sex with him, yet.”

“Yet?”

I nod.
“He wants me again. I’ll end up having sex with him this weekend. It’s what he wants.”

Sean holds me closer. “What do you want?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want, I don’t—“

“Tell me. Do you want him? Would you ch
oose to be with him? He’s a good man. He’s everything I’m not. He’d be good to you, Avery.”

I smile at him. “I don’t want Henry. I want you. The thing is, I can’t get all of you. There’s a piece you won’t give, something you won’t share. Without that, I don’t see how we can be anything to each other.”
I thread my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck and twirl a lock of his hair.

Sean smiles, but it’s brief. He closes his eyes and just breathes for a moment. “
You’re the only other girl at Black’s that will do anything?”

“Yes, but—”

“Then I’m ordering you this weekend. We can try it, maybe.”

“Are you sure you’re not just trying to keep me away from Henry?”

He grins. “That’s an added bonus.”