The Arrangement 5 (2 page)

CHAPTER 3

Marty and Mel work out who will take me home. The doctor said that someone needs to keep an eye on me. I agreed to let them, but now that I’m being buckled into Marty’s front seat I no longer want to cooperate. I want to see Sean. I need to look at him with my own eyes and see that he’s alive. I don’t understand how he could fall like that and walk away. I don’t understand. It seems unreal, like everything else in my life.

Marty is driving toward the college. He’s talking softly, asking me if I’m okay, if I want food or something. I stare out the window. There’s something cold inside my stomach and it’s creeping up my throat. I don’t know what happened, but I feel like I can’t tell him what I’m thinking, not after this.

Marty’s big brown eyes cut over to me. I feel them on the side of my face, poking me like a stick. “Tell me what crazy idea is brewing in that head of yours.”

I look at him with my jaw hanging open. Damn it. How does he do that? Why am I so transparent around him? I try to throw him off. “What? I wouldn’t—”

“Cut the crap, princess. I see that look on your face. What crazy-ass thing are you planning this time?”

I sink down into my seat and fold my arms across my chest. Marty slows the car as we hit gridlock.
Awesome. “You make me sound like a Scooby-Doo villain. I’m not planning anything.”

“As soon as I tuck you into your little bed and chase Amber away, you’re going to go to him. Am I right?” Marty gives me a look.

My gaze drops to my hands. I feel like crap. I’m exhausted in every way possible. My voice is weak and mousy, hardly audible. “I need to see him.”

“That guy has brought you nothing but trouble. I’m all for true love and fighting for what you believe in, but this isn’t love Avery. Don’t make me tell you what it is. You already know.” Marty’s grip tightens on the steering wheel. The car inches forward. A horn blares somewhere behind us.

“I have to see him,” I repeat. “I don’t expect you to understand, but after everything I’ve been through—I have to see him. I can’t believe he walked away from that, like I literally cannot believe it. I have to see for myself… and I need to ask him something.”

Marty is silent for a moment. He works his jaw while staring straight ahead. Suddenly, his eyes cut to the left and then back to the right. He mutters something that I can’t make out and edges the car into the far left lane. “Mel is going to kill me. I swear to God, if you tell her that I—”

I realize that he’s turning around, that Marty is going to take me back to the city so I can see Sean. “Thank you, Marty. Really, I—”

He shakes his head and gives me a firm look. “Don’t thank me. This is the worst possible thing I could do for you.” His eyes bore into me, which makes me squirm in my seat. There’s
something there, some grievance or grief that I’m unaware of—something I don’t know. I want to ask why he’s so bent on keeping me away from Sean, but I know better than to ask.

The light changes and Marty does a U-turn and we’re out of gridlock, heading directly toward Sean’s hotel. I tell Marty where to go and then there’s a thick uncomfortable silence.

My finger flicks the leather on the door as I stare out the window. My mind keeps drifting back to the note in Sean’s pocket. He regrets everything. He wants to start over. In that moment, I feel the same way. I want to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him until I can’t breathe, but how can I —he left without me. Sean didn’t even make sure I was all right. He didn’t stick his head in and check on me. He did nothing. It looks like he doesn’t care about me at all.

I groan and rub my face with the heel of my hand. My head is pounding. I glance over at Marty. “You think I’m making a mistake, don’t you?”

Marty glances over at me before his eyes dart back to the road. “Don’t ask me questions that you already know the answer to,” he snaps. He’s so tense. It’s like he’s strangling the steering wheel as he drives. When we are approaching the hotel, he finally speaks. “I’m parking and walking up with you.”

“Marty—”

“It’s not optional. Besides, you look like you’re going to do a face-plant on the dashboard. I can’t let you wander in by yourself.” Marty pulls up in front of the hotel and gives his car to the valet.

When I step out, the guy that opened my door gives me a weird look. I have that train wreck thing going on. I haven’t even looked in a mirror. Who cares about mirrors at times like this? But still, it makes me feel self-conscious. Marty hands him a fist full of cash and takes my arm. I hold onto Marty. I am weak. The world starts to tilt to the side, but Marty steadies me and the feeling passes.

As we walk inside, Marty leans in and whispers in my ear, “You owe me so big for this, and I totally plan on redeeming this time.” His palm rubs the back of my hand and he grins at me.

My heart is pounding. My thoughts tangle tighter and tighter as the elevator approaches Sean’s floor. I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but it won’t move. Marty squeezes my hand tight and says, “You okay?”

I nod and smile at him. Worry pinches my face though, so the smile looks timid. The elevator doors open. I turn to Marty and ask, “Will you wait for me over here?”

“Avery, I don’t think you should see him alone. This is a really bad idea. The guy left—he left you in the hospital alone.” Marty is pleading with me, but I can’t bend to caution. I have to see for myself.

I pat his hands before saying, “Thank you,” and turning away. I walk slowly toward Sean’s door.

Every inch of my body aches. It doesn’t matter that I have a ton of pain killers in me. When my foot hits the floor, it feels like nails are being jammed into my joints. I lift my hand to knock, but hesitate.

What am I doing here? What is it that I want from this man? He’s messed up beyond comprehension, and for some reason I’m standing on his doorstep. My hand lingers by the door. Thinking swiftly, I decide that I just want to see Sean. I need to know that he’s alive. My knuckles wrap against the wood twice and then I drop my hand to my side.

When the door is pulled open, my heart drops into my shoes. Sean is standing there bleary-eyed. His shirt is open, revealing some nasty bruises on his skin. “Avery,” he breathes my name, surprised to see me. “What are you doing here?”

My lips part to say something, but I can’t speak. Marty walks up behind me and produces Sean’s jacket. “She wanted to bring you back your stuff. The hospital gave it to her.” I smile at Marty, grateful. I don’t know where my courage went, but it’s gone. I don’t like the look in Sean’s eye. I take Sean’s jacket and remove the envelope before handing him the beat up leather.

Sean stares at Marty with venom in his eyes, before his gaze shifts back to me. Sean takes the jacket and says, “Come in.” I nod and walk past him, into the hotel room.
Marty remains in the hall way, but Sean doesn’t leave it alone. “You too, get in here.”

Marty tenses. He gives me a look that lets me know that he really can’t stand Sean. The door closes behind us and Marty crosses the room to look out a window. I know he’s trying to give me space, but Sean’s watching Marty like he’s a threat.

I step toward Sean, saying, “How are you all right? After you fell, you didn’t move. I couldn’t feel you breathing.” My eyes are as big as saucers and they start to burn. The expression Sean gives me is unreadable, cold.

“I wasn’t. The wind got knocked out of me when I fell. I couldn’t say anything. The helmet and jacket saved my skin. It’s armored. I have a gash on my leg where my jeans got shredded, but the rest of me
is fine.” Sean’s lips barely move when he says
fine
. It’s like he’s saying that he’s anything but fine.

I nod. My pulse is pounding in my ears and my skin is prickling with sweat. I lift the letter between my fingers. Dread fills me, making it difficult to breathe. “I found this in your things.”

He stares at me. “And you read it?”

I nod. “I didn’t know what happened to you. When I saw my name on the envelope, I…” my voice trails off. What am I doing here? Sean obviously doesn’t want to see me.

“Did you give the money to Black?”

“Yeah, I did.” Sean nods slowly. His eyes keep flicking up toward the spot where Marty is standing, looking out the window. I hold up the letter again. Sean looks at the paper and then at me. “What about this?”

“What about it?” Sean holds my gaze. He almost seems defiant and I don’t understand why. After a moment, he turns away. His face pinches slightly and he has a slight limp when he steps away from me.

Anger flashes through my veins. A million thoughts collide inside my mind and explode out my mouth. “
What about it?
Oh, I don’t know. Was it true? Did you just write it so we’re even and you could give me back the money I threw in your face? Or was it something else?” I want to scream at him, but I don’t. Instead, I take a slow breath in and when I look up from under my brow, I catch his eyes. “Tell me the truth. How do you feel about me? Man up and say it, instead of cowering behind silence.”

Marty has turned. I can feel his eyes on my back, but he remains by the window.

Sean seems so detached, like he doesn’t care about me one way or the other. “Actions speak louder than words, don’t they? Add it up, Avery.”

I know what he’s saying. Sean is denying he has any feelings for me at all. “Bullshit. You’re a coward. Your actions ring so goddamn loud that they’re constantly gonging in my head. You threw yourself under a truck for me. Then, you ditched me. You stormed out the hospital without even checking on me!”

I shove his chest because Sean is no longer meeting my gaze. His face is turned to the side, like I’ve slapped his cheek. My heart feels hollowed out. Why won’t he tell me? Desperation fills me like a storm. It violently tears away all rational thought until I’m close to tears.

Sean runs his hand through his dark hair and looks over his shoulder at Marty. “Take her home. Play house. Do whatever it is that you two do.” Sean walks toward the door and holds it open.

My jaw drops. I glance back at Marty who is giving Sean the nastiest look I’ve ever seen. When I glance at Sean, I see it. He thinks Marty and I are an item. I step in front of Sean and tug his shirtfront hard, pulling his face closer to mine. “Marty’s a friend, you idiot, and right now he’s a better friend than you are.” I shove past Sean to walk out the door, but he catches my hand. I look back at him, ready to bite his head off, but the expression on his face stops me.

“Wait…” Sean’s voice trails off as he looks away.

Marty is behind me. I know he wants to leave, but my feet freeze. The plea in Sean’s voice holds me in place. His fingers are wrapped around my wrist, which makes my stomach do summersaults. My spine stiffens.

I try to push the sensations away. I’m tired of playing games. I don’t know what I expected of Sean, but this isn’t it. “No, I’m done with this. You can’t even tell me why you left. Your
frickin’ leg is bleeding through your jeans. You left the hospital without even letting them patch you up. You left me behind. I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.” I’m so weary. I just want to leave. My mistakes are crushing me. Coming here was a mistake. I shake my head and try to pull away, but Sean doesn’t let go.

Something changes. I sense it and look up at him. “I’ll tell you. Stay and I’ll tell you.” Sean’s eyes meet mine and I feel my resolve flake off and blow away.

I glance at Marty. He rolls his eyes and heads out the door. Before leaving he turns back to me. “Some things are beyond your control, Avery, but other things—” Marty shakes his head, “other heartache is completely preventable.” Marty narrows his eyes at Sean, in a hateful glare, waits half a beat, and leaves.

Dread runs down my spine. Why does it feel like I just made a huge mistake?

CHAPTER 4

When the door closes, Sean seems stiff. I wonder if he aches as much as I do. I wonder if it feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest one too many times. I don’t understand him. I don’t know why he keeps running hot and cold. I have emotional whiplash and I’m too tired to deal with it.

When Sean doesn’t say anything, I move to the door and reach out for the handle. “Listen, my ride is leaving and I’m too tired for this. If you don’t—”

Sean makes an exasperated sound and drags his palms over his face. “What, you think I can just come out and say it?”

Looking over my shoulder, I answer, “Yeah. Say something or I’m gone.”

For a moment I’m nervous that Sean won’t tell me, that he’ll let me leave. I don’t want things to end like this, but he has to at least try to talk to me. I can’t take living this way anymore. I’m in love with him and it kills me that I can’t even tell if he likes me. I let out an annoyed sound and yank open the door.

Just as I’m about to walk through, Sean speaks. “I don’t like hospitals. They upset me.
A lot. I ran out before they could work on me, but I did see you. I came into your room.”

Turning slowly, I look at him. Sean’s shoulders are slumped, his jaw is covered in day-old scruff, and he isn’t looking at me. My hand rests on the handle. “I don’t remember seeing you. I thought you were dead.” The last sentence is barely a whisper.

Anxiety that I didn’t have time to deal with before rears its head and I feel unstable. I want to yell, scream, and cry. I want to bang my fists into his chest and have him pull me into his arms and tell me that everything will be all right, but I can’t break down like that. I don’t have the luxury.

Sean’s lips part. He breathes for a moment, like it pains him. When his blue gaze meets mine, I know he’s lost in his past. I recognize the look in his eye. I’ve seen it in the mirror too many times to count. He runs his hand through his hair and down his neck. “You were sedated when I found you. I would have taken you with me, but your
friend
chased me off.” Sean’s eyes dart to the open door.

“Marty?”

He nods. “It’s none of my business what you do with your life, but that guy wants you.” Sean slips his hands into his pockets.

My jaw drops. I make some strangled sounds before sputtering out, “He’s gay! Marty’s gay! You are so far off base that you don’t even know what you’re talking about.” I want to laugh because it seems insane, but I don’t. Sean’s serious.

He shrugs. “It doesn’t matter. That look is still there. The way he ran me off spoke volumes.”

“You’re wrong. Marty’s as into me sexually as Mel is. There’s nothing between me and either one of them, so stop making excuses. Why’d you run?”

Sean sighs and looks up at the ceiling. After a second, he says, “Close the door. I’ll have a car take you home when you want to leave.” I don’t like the way he’s talking to me, but I let the door shut and step into the room. I fold my arms over my chest and wait.

Sean doesn’t look at me when he speaks. “Hospitals give me a great deal of anxiety.”

“That’s not an answer.”

Sean glances up at me. His eyes are cold and hard. They could cut through metal. I flinch. “Let me finish. I won’t say it twice.” I swallow hard and sit down on a chair next to the table by the door. Sean paces as he talks. There’s a slight limp when he steps. His hands remain in his pockets.

He stares straight ahead, not looking at me. “It’s not hospitals in general, it’s
that
hospital. That’s where I lost them. Being in the same place, standing in the same rooms, was too much. I’d rather leave and die on the sidewalk than stay in that place.” Each word is loaded with emotion, pulled from the depths of his soul.

I don’t know what to say. I want to make him feel better, but nothing I say will remove the memory from his mind.

And now I know what happened to the baby. He said
them
. He must have lost his wife and baby at the same time. I press my lips together tightly. No wonder why he’s emotionally repressed. Losing one person is hard enough, but losing two is an unfathomable amount of pain. My parents’ deaths were hard enough. I can’t image losing a spouse and a child.

When Sean looks up at me, I can’t hide the pity in my eyes. “Don’t look at me like that. You don’t understand what happened.”

“Then tell me.”

He laughs. It sounds so bitter and broken. I know he feels hollowed out inside. I feel the same way. His words are sharp. “If baring my soul was cathartic, I would have done it already.”

I fold my hands in my lap. “Then maybe you’re doing it wrong.”

Sean gives me a look. “Reliving the past doesn’t change the present.”

“It made you who you are. And it would sure as hell help me figure out what the hell is going on inside your head.”

He smirks. “You really don’t want to go in there.”

“How could you throw yourself in front of a truck for me, and then leave? I know you said Marty tossed you out, but Sean…” As I speak, he steps closer and closer to my chair. The look in his eyes changes from defensive to something that makes my skin tingle. My stomach tightens. Sean stops in front of me. He looks down at my hands. He takes one and threads our fingers together before lowering himself to his knees.

Sean looks at our fingers. “You don’t want to know everything. Trust me.”

“How can I, when you act like this? I don’t know why—” He rubs the back of my hand with his thumbs. His eyes are locked with mine. I want to throw myself into his arms so badly.

“This is who I am. I’m not a good catch, Avery. I’m fucked up. You know that. You know me well enough to see it. I don’t pretend to be something I’m not. No amount of talking will fix anything I’ve done. No amount of explaining will justify my choices. There’s no reason for you
to be here. There’s nothing left that’s worth saving.” Sean buries his face in my lap and holds onto me like he’s drowning and I’m the only one who can save him.

Bleary-eyed, I stare straight ahead with my mouth hanging open. Words won’t come. I run my fingers through his hair, gently. I rub my hands over his shoulders and neck, wishing that I could ease some of his pain. We sit like that. It feels like half the night passes before he looks up at me.

When he finally does, Sean stands and takes my hand. He pulls me to my feet and over to the bed. We crawl under the covers and hold each other until sleep finally comes.