The Accidental Wife (17 page)

Can’t Stop Falling

R
ihaan wasn’t concerned about Naina’s screams, not at all. Rather he’d welcome them. What he was afraid of was that she might turn a blind eye and ignore him completely. What would he do then? If she didn’t seem to care for him at all? The possibility shot his nerves to pieces.

Toying with the idea of absolute rejection, he lingered at the 86th Street subway station, the one from which he was certain Naina would board the train to work. He stood anxiously, scanning the faces of his fellow commuters. He hadn’t dared to go by her apartment and knock on her door because he wanted to first have the opportunity to observe her on the sly, get a feel for how she was doing on her own, without him. Yes he was being a coward, no doubt, but this was the only chance he had and he didn’t want to screw it up.

He began to grow restless. Three days in a row and he was yet to spot her. Had Maria given him the wrong address? Had she warned Naina about his intentions?

The platform shook underfoot as the train rumbled through the tunnel. His eyes swung along with the rest of the commuters, as they all watched it approach, and he began to fear the worst. What if Naina had taken ill and she was all by herself, helpless? If something happened to her, he’d never be able to forgive himself.

The doors opened with a loud whoosh. The impatient crowd shifted and surged forward as one, yet instead of joining them Rihaan turned and made a beeline for the stairs.

Just then something caught his eye. It made his heart leap and his legs go weak. He had been a fool to think a mere glimpse of her would satisfy.

***

Naina made her way slowly down the crowded aisle. When she saw all the available seats occupied, she sighed and found a pole to lean on. She braced herself the best she could, resolving to be more aggressive in the future and not while away time in wasteful preoccupation. She tucked her hands deeper inside the pockets of her coat and tried to rub some feeling into them. Her fingers continued to be cold despite being encased in the extra warm gloves that Rihaan had bought her.

And just as one thing leads to another, her mind invariably swung to another cold snowy day in the not-so-distant past, when her so-called husband had dragged her inside the apartment and forcibly dunked her hands into the kitchen sink after filling it with warm water. Then he had put her through the third degree, coming down hard upon her for not taking better care of herself. A film of wistful moisture clouded her vision which in turn gave rise to a vehement self-accusatory rant. Those actions of his that she’d found sweet and endearing were just that. He had been playing the role of a caring doc. A cold-hearted but caring doc.

Naina sniffed hard.
I can’t afford to go on like this. I have to, no, I need to stop thinking about him. But the only way to go about that is to systematically get rid of all the things that remind me of him
. She then made up her mind to go shopping for new winter gear come lunch break.

The train took a sharp turn. She lurched forward and would have hit the floor hadn’t a couple of strong arms materialized out of nowhere to prop her back up. And there they remained, enveloping her in a secure, warm cocoon.

“Thank you,” she murmured with a grateful smile and caught herself gazing into a pair of honey-glazed eyes.

“Don’t mention it,” he said, his voice reverberating through the tangy mint-tinted air.

With a shudder, Naina looked away to conceal the excitement on her face as a wave of wild frenzy took over her entire being. She closed her eyes a moment and inhaled deeply.
Calm down!

“Naina,” Rihaan asked as she pulled away. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine!” She retorted too quickly, maddened at her reaction. “What are you doing here?”

He smiled, appearing to waver. “I…”

Gosh that smile. Oh, how much I have missed it. “Yes..?” She prompted, a little too eagerly.

***

Damn!

Rihaan’s mind raced. Naina as always had managed to stump him and put him on the defensive. What should I say?
I’m here because I’m sorry.
Sorry for what? For being an insensitive jerk? For ticking her off in public? For projecting on her my own frustrations? Instead he managed a lackluster excuse. “I’ve some patients I had to see.”

“I didn’t know you worked around here.”

He made a big deal of clearing his throat. “I don’t, usually. I’m just covering for a colleague who’s down with the flu. You know, doctors fall sick, too.”
Just like I am now. Sick as a dog!

But she continued to look skeptical.

Therefore, in order to prove his point, even though it made him miserable, he got off the train at the next stop. “This is where I say goodbye. Call me if you need anything, day or night.”

***

Naina watched ruefully as he waved from the subway station. So it was a mere coincidence. Of course it was. Why would she expect otherwise?

The following day she got up earlier than usual after having tossed and turned in bed all night. She was excited at the prospect of seeing him again. There was absolutely no way she could deny it. Meeting him by chance had helped rekindle the dormant flames of hope, so she took extra care with her dress. Not excessively,
just a tad
, she thought as she propped a bright red beanie on her head. It was her way of demonstrating that she was doing perfectly well without him.

***

Rihaan smiled as he wound through the cars toward her, noticing the added piece of bright color, but also that her lips remained pale and bare.
All the better, so I can taste her without having to pry through artificial barriers.

Yes,
he thought. I want to kiss her and I want to kiss her bad. I want to punish her for breaking my resolve, for making me feel so inadequate that I hate myself, even though I adore her more than ever for doing so.

She wants children, doesn’t she? She can have as many as she desires, to chase all over the place and cuddle. As long as she’ll let me make love to her not once but a few hundred million times.

She noticed him and was giving him that weird look again.

He groaned.
Damn this life!
He couldn’t afford to scandalize her, a hot-blooded Rajput princess, and run the risk of being thrown off a moving commuter train.

So he made do with insipid conversation. He talked about his patients and their problems and what he was doing to solve the cases. In the least, it gave him a chance to study her without appearing to do so.

She listened keenly, impressing him with her astute observations, and appearing impressed in turn. It was indeed quite bizarre that they shared the same wavelength, yet were deeply embroiled in an obscure and irrational conflict…all of his own making, of course!

“How long?” Naina asked.

“How long what?”

“How long can I expect to see you on this train?”

As long as you’ll let me.
“A week. Till Sunday when I discharge my last patient.”

The week passed. He couldn’t come up with any more excuses to meet her. She seemed to be doing fine without him, though she did look unduly stressed and fatigued at times. But he wasn’t. The self-reliant, almost rigidly individualistic Dr. Rihaan Mehta was no longer the same. For a while he’d been having trouble reconciling with his changing outlook, but now he was sure. The goal post had shifted. He needed Naina, his wife, by his side. He was worried she didn’t reciprocate his feelings though, and that made him feel particularly insecure.

He hunted for and bought all the current and past issues of Naina’s company’s magazine
Landscape
and pored through each one of them, cover to cover, looking for her name, for an article or a photograph. And when he did, he was elated.

He examined the pictures and tried to see her in them, imagine her somber face as it peeked through the camera lens. The exercise only served to renew his agitation. He needed to see her again.

He waylaid her one dreary, icy wet afternoon as she waited to cross the street and yanked her beneath the green awning of a restaurant.

“What are you doing out in this nasty weather?” he scolded.

She laughed, after overcoming her initial surprise and pointed to her umbrella.

Is my desperation that obvious?
he thought.

“It’s you who has ice crystals in his hair,” she said raising a concerned hand.

He mumbled, shrugging off her worrying fingers. “I know you’ve just had lunch, but sit with me. You can watch me eat. I’m famished.”

“Did your mother want to see me? I haven’t heard from her in a while,” she asked, looking on as he made an utter mess of a blueberry scone.

“Yes.” He nodded then immediately shook his head. “No. I just wanted to check on you.”

“Why? Are you concerned that I may have a boyfriend on the side?” She smiled coyly.

He stared at her.
A boyfriend? A man…another man? Would she? What’s stopping her?
He pretended to appear unaffected though the anxiety of not knowing was making his hands shake.

He discarded the cold scone and looked her directly in the eye. “Are you seeing somebody?”

“So…did you save any patients lately?” she said in a rush, ignoring his question.

He was breathing hard now. He couldn’t help himself. “No. I killed one…pronounced him dead on the table.”

She drew in a sharp breath. “Who was it? A son, a father?”

“No, a husband at death’s door, with a young wife who was not ready to give up, even though I painted the worst possible picture. She’d rather take care of a vegetable. I didn’t think she understood what that portends.”

“Perhaps it’s you who doesn’t understand. Maybe you would if you had a similar experience.”

“Naina?”

“Yes?” She surprised him by meeting his eyes.

“Are you really seeing someone?”

***

She didn’t reply immediately but took some time to scrutinize him closely. He seemed absolutely sincere.

He isn’t just a moron, he is also blind as a bat,
she thought.
How could he think that anyone could ever replace him in her life?
Even if he had utterly and unabashedly rejected her. Even though he’d never really been hers?

He stood up abruptly. “You don’t have to tell me. I don’t want to know. See you around.”

“Rihaan!” She called out.

But he was gone.

Love, etc.

N
aina got up from her seat and ran out onto the street, wanting to hail Rihaan back, tell him that his suspicions were baseless, that she was only taunting him.

But then she stopped herself. No Naina, he can’t have his way all the time. He isn’t a child. Don’t feed his ego. He’s not entitled to treat you like a plaything. He has hurt you and you shouldn’t forgive him easily, even though you’d like to do nothing better. Let him doubt and suffer; he needs to be brought down a few notches. He hasn’t even apologized for his behavior. I can’t expect the high and mighty Rihaan Mehta to say he’s sorry, but at least he can express it. Or even simply say he needs me.

But he’d never do that. Not Rihaan…

Thus composing herself, Naina headed back to work. She powered up her desktop and opened the article that was to be a part of a feature on the homeless in New York. It was supposed to show her perspective as a foreigner, particularly one who hailed from an abundantly less privileged society.

She tried to concentrate on it, but instead could only think of losing herself in Rihaan’s arms.

It was Friday, exactly two weeks since she had marched out on him. Two weeks of chaos, of coming together with a new way of life that had completely occupied her energies so she could strive for a new even keel.

Or so she had thought. At least until Rihaan had shown up and shattered that illusion.

She felt a hand drop on her shoulder and looked up. “Oh hi, Maria.”

“What’s up, girl? You don’t seem to find time to mingle anymore. Whenever I see you, you are busy, busy, busy, constantly on the run. I’m not even able to get a word in edgewise.”

“I’m sorry, Maria. Farzad really needs this by evening,” Naina said quickly. She was in no mood for small talk. Besides, Maria had grown very inquisitive of late.

But her new friend remained there, parking her substantial behind on the edge of Naina’s desk. She picked up an issue of The Economist from the horde of books and magazines Naina had gathered for research and pretended to leaf through it. “Why do I get the feeling that you are agitated for some reason, as if you are trying to escape from something?”

Naina squirmed in her seat, wondering where this was leading to.

Her colleague bent forward and peered curiously at her. “Besides, you’ve been looking kind of peppy lately.”

Shrugging, Naina said, “I just happen to love my job.”

“No. Not that kind of peppy, dearie,” Maria laughed. “I meant the kind that comes with a new man. Who is he?”

Naina flushed. “I don’t have a new man. I don’t have any man!”

“Don’t play with me,” Maria said, arching a dark brown penciled eyebrow. “How about the gorgeous hunk Adamma and I saw you with the other day, the one you were so rude not to introduce.”

“Oh, you mean Rihaan.”

“Ahh Reehaaan…” Maria closed her eyes and blissfully rolled the name around her mouth as if it was some immoral decadent confection. “What does he do?” she asked dreamily.

Naina told her, fighting to keep her voice even. She found herself growing more and more indignant.

“Wow! A hot nerd!” her so-called friend cried out while fanning herself with a hand. “I find nothing more arousing in a man. Just like Ira Glass. No, even better. He can mess with my neurons anytime. Can you get me hooked up with him? Arrange a blind date or something? My schedule is very flexible.”

“No I can’t,
I won’t,
set you up!” Naina retorted, abruptly getting out of her chair.

“Why not? Not like he’s your boyfriend, or is he seeing somebody else? He’s free, is he not?”

“He’s not my boyfriend. Nor is he free. He’s my husband!” Naina said, before turning on her heels and marching away.

***

Naina is fibbing, she has to be. She can’t be seeing anybody. She’s just saying so to keep me on edge,
thought a stricken Rihaan as he struggled to calm himself. But he couldn’t bear the suspense any longer. He had to know.

He found his feet spontaneously veering in the direction of her address after work or whenever he could make the time. It didn’t matter how weary he was. He would walk by her place, looking for the light in the window of her 4th floor apartment. His heart would gladden when he saw her shadow and he would imagine her going through her usual routine—shower as soon as she got in from work and relax in front of the TV while sipping a cup of hot chai. Then after scrambling together a late dinner, she’d begin working again until around one or two in the morning, when he’d hear her whisper goodnight to him and close the bedroom door softly behind her. He missed their silent rapport.

He wanted her. He wanted to inhale the fragrance of her skin and seek refuge in her softness. He wanted to forget his life, his ambitions and goals, lose himself in the moment, relax and let go. Nothing could be more wonderful, more profound, or more worthwhile than being with her.

***

Late one night, after returning from a hurried trip to the grocery store, Naina found herself struggling to find her keys. The contents of her bags spilled on the floor of the hallway. She heard someone as they dashed up the stairs to lend a hand.

“You?”
she asked.

“Yes me. Hi. You are hauling quite a load there. If you aren’t careful you might break your back,” Rihaan said with a bashful laugh.

“Seems like you’ve lost your way,” she remarked, not looking very astonished.

When she didn’t hear a reply, she said sharply, “Did you need me for anything?”

“Ah…no.” He stared straight ahead.

“Are you stalking me, Rihaan?”

“No…I’m not. As I happened to be in the neighborhood, I thought I’d stop by.”

She smiled archly. “Don’t hedge Rihaan. You
are
stalking me. I’ve seen you pass by a few times and look up at my balcony. And last Sunday when I stepped out to jog, I saw you duck into the caf
é
across the street. Then you followed me until I managed to lose you. But when I returned, I saw you sitting in the restaurant again. You can’t fool me. I’m a woman of the world.”

“All right,” Rihaan submitted. “But my intent is honorable. I wanted to make sure you’re fine. I feel responsible for you.”

“I’m
fine
, and I don’t need you to hold yourself accountable. I’m a grown woman and I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing so for most of my life. I’ll give you a call if I need your help,” she stated with an assertive tilt of her chin.

He hesitated at the top of the stairs.

After a short while she said, “Do you want to come in? It’d be rude of me not to ask you.”

His face brightened. “I’d love to cool my heels for a few minutes, if you don’t mind.”

She unlocked the door and they walked into her tiny studio apartment. It was somewhat cluttered but neat and cozy, a throwback to when he had accosted her at her place in Delhi—but the situation now was much direr.

Naina went into the galley kitchen and pulled something out of the fridge, then proceeded to heat it up. He stood there, awkward, in the middle of her domain until she invited him to sit down.

“Sorry, but this is all I could pull together,” she said, handing him a plate of steaming hot lasagna.

“It’s fine. Better than any Italian restaurant.” He grinned, tucking in eagerly.

She laughed. “It’s store bought and ready to eat. Maybe you’re just hungry.”

“Maybe I am,” he said, carefully probing her face. “You seem to be settling down well.”

“Yes, there were a few hiccups as expected but overall I like it. People are nice here and helpful. And I am gradually mapping the neighborhood.” She smiled, the expression reaching her eyes.

“I hope you are not out late by yourself too often.”

“I’m not. And even if I am, I know the places to avoid. I’m not a child for god sakes!”

An awkward pause ensued as Rihaan gathered his thoughts.

“Naina, can we be friends?” he asked.

“No, I don’t think we can,” she said, looking stern.

“Naina, please… I…” he pleaded, but didn’t finish his sentence.

***

She relented with a smile, she’d kept the poor man guessing long enough. “How about discussing it over dinner on Friday? I promise to put together something far more appetizing.”

“Sure. It’s a date.”

Yes it is a date,
she thought, standing in her balcony, waving goodbye to a person whom she’d never seen look so tremendously joyful. She wondered how he’d have reacted if she’d invited him to stay the night.

***

Rihaan could barely contain his excitement as he approached Naina’s apartment on Friday evening. This was going to be the night, the moment that would change his entire life. He could feel it in his bones. Even from a block away he could recognize her slim elegant figure as she stood on the sidewalk, waiting impatiently, eager to see him just as he was to see her.

He regarded the dozen long-stem red roses and the box of fine Belgian chocolates he’d bought for the occasion. They were meant to give her an intimation of his intent, one which he planned to build on.

Giving his tie a final tug and his unruly mop a conclusive run-through, he quickened his pace.

He was just a few yards away, when he saw a cab pull in front of the building and a strange man step out. Rihaan proceeded, thinking nothing of it.

But then he heard Naina’s distinctive voice raise in excitement. She was talking to the man, and obviously knew him quite well. And then he saw the stranger put his arm around her shoulder and they walked into the building together.

The box of chocolates slipped from his hand and fell to the ground with a thud. At once Rihaan was seized by a singular jealousy and mind-boggling dejection. She had implied at the truth, while he had gone on believing in a dream.