Tell Me Again How a Crush Should Feel (11 page)

The distractions of the holidays keep me pretty busy at the beginning of winter break. Though my family doesn’t technically do Christmas, we exchange gifts around a plastic tree.

But after Christmas my mother notices that I am gloomier than ever. I hate that I’m so full of angst; it’s such a cliché. Saskia wouldn’t be doing cliché things.
Stop thinking about her!
I have to remind myself to stop thinking about her because she’s an awful person who hurt Tess. But for some reason I keep dreaming about her. I’ve had a recurring dream in which I am in an enchanted forest, like something out of a Disney movie. Saskia is singing like Aurora from
Sleeping Beauty,
and all kinds of woodland creatures crowd around her. She looks so gorgeous, I want to be near her, too. I get closer, and a bird perches on her finger as she sings a high note. Then her eyes go wide and she bites the bird’s head off. I usually wake up after that.

Anyway, Mom has noticed my mood and Dad has noticed my science grade. Neither of them is all that pleased with me right now, but they can’t really ground me since I’ve just been in my room by myself anyway. I’m pretty sure I overheard Dad ask Nahal if I was on drugs. Mom finally forces me to invite some people to the house for pizza.

So I invite Tess, Tomas, and the tech girls to come over. The day of the party, if you can call it that, Mom is setting up the living room table with cookies, a veggie platter, and soda to go with the pizzas. She thought everyone might like hot tea, but I told her they wouldn’t miss it. She tells me she’ll be upstairs with Dad and will pretend like they aren’t even at home, but if anyone needs a Band-Aid, Advil, tampon, cold compress, life vest, or tourniquet, I should come get her.

Eventually everyone arrives and we all just sit around the table, staring at one another. Tomas sits glumly, his arms crossed over his chest. Taryn slouches. Simone nibbles at a mushroom slice. Christina is wearing the pair of fangs I bought her for running the booth so well the night I had to perform in the play, and she tongues the tip of her elongated canine again and again. Tess, who has been almost as depressed as I have by the Greg-Saskia hookup, looks out of the corner of her eye at Christina’s fangs. I can’t tell whether she’s freaked out or studying how they mold to Christina’s teeth.

“Great party,” Taryn says, flicking a carrot at Tomas’s head.

“It was nice of you to have us over, Leila,” Tess says.

“Yes. It reminds me of a fourth-grade birthday party,” says Tomas. Tess lays her head on the table, and Simone plays party cheerleader.

“The hummus is fabulous! Did your mom make it?” Simone asks.

“No, it’s store-bought,” I say.

“It’s a traditional Middle Eastern food, so I just wondered.”

“Yeah, it’s traditional in most Arab countries, but Persians are not Arab, so . . .” Saskia would have known that. She can share all her cultural knowledge with Greg now.

“Oh. Right.” The silence after is unbearable, until the doorbell rings. I don’t know who would be selling Jehovah at this time of night. I overhear my mom open the door, then thank whoever is there for coming. When the mystery guest arrives in the kitchen, Tomas shifts upward happily in his seat at the prospect of fresh entertainment; Taryn defensively crosses her arms; and Tess remains head down on the table. Mom enters the kitchen with her arm around Lisa.

“Look who I invited? Wasn’t it nice of her to come?” I feel the color rise in my cheeks at the thought of Lisa taking in this sorry scene. As Mom deposits Lisa and obliviously walks away, the others gape. Lisa’s a cool kid. What is she doing here?

“So you wanted to see how the other half lives or something?” Taryn asks. Simone nudges her to cut it out. Tomas puts his hand under his chin like an interviewer and smiles.

“I love your ponytail!” Tomas is in full kiss-ass mode. Ponytail? Really? Lisa turns her attention to me.

“Your mom called my mom to wish her a happy Hanukkah and they got to talking about how antisocial their daughters are. And here I am. Happy Kwanzaa.”

“You guys celebrate Kwanzaa?” Simone asks, not really catching on.

“Well, it’s nice to have someone stylish here,” Tomas interjects. “I’m surprised Saskia isn’t here.” I crumple like a tissue at the mention of her name.

“Tomas, she’s dating Greg! Leila’s kind of ex! Why would she be invited?” Tess asks. At least the comment got her head off the table.

“Greg’s a catch, but I feel like she’s too much woman for him,” Tomas says.

“I don’t like that girl at all. There’s something about her I don’t trust,” Taryn says, flicking yet another carrot at Tomas’s head. He gives her a look like he’s ready to smear hummus on her face.

“Yeah, she seems like a phony to me,” Lisa says, and my head jerks upward. She seems to deliberately be avoiding eye contact with me.

“How very Holden Caulfield of you,” says Tomas. “I
was
upset she didn’t invite me to the drama party.”

“You didn’t miss anything.” I say to shut this conversation down. Silence descends again, until Tomas suggests we play truth or dare. None of us takes the bait, but he continues anyway.

“Okay, Tess, truth or dare?”

“Must we reduce ourselves to this?”

“I’ll make it tame, I promise,” Tomas says as he crosses his heart and hopes to die. Tess eyes him with suspicion but nods. She picks truth.

“Okay, if you only had twenty-four hours to live, what would you do?” Tess thinks about it. After what seems like forever, she begins to speak.

“I guess first I’d get up and brush my teeth—” We all groan, and Tomas cuts her off.

“Forget it, Tess. I’ll start with someone else.” He surveys the circle and lands on Lisa.

“Lisa, truth or dare?”

Lisa rolls her eyes but plays along. “Truth.”

“Who was your first crush?” Lisa suddenly gets quiet and I think she might even be blushing. Tomas is intrigued. “Well? Go on. It’s a very tame question.”

Lisa smiles at him. “I change to dare then. The truth is just too embarrassing.”

Tomas is getting annoyed. “This is the worst game of truth or dare ever!” he pronounces to the rabble.

“I have a dare for you,” Taryn says, glaring at Lisa. “Monday lunch period, you sit with Tess in the cafeteria.” Tess’s face turns mauve and Tomas gasps. Lisa, being one of the cool kids, would never even consider sitting with someone like Tess.

“You can’t do it, can you?” Taryn fumes. “Ruin your stupid high-school status? Sure, Tess is mousy and probably still speaks to her Bratz dolls, but at least she has a brain and she uses it. You just go about with your flock, doing what’s expected of you.” Simone holds Taryn’s arm, trying to calm her down.

“I don’t have Bratz dolls,” Tess whispers, swirling a carrot in the hummus.

“Whatever. Do you or do you not have a poster of Neil deGrasse Tyson above your bed?” Taryn asks. Tess blushes and Taryn continues with her spiel. “You think I don’t hear what your friends call me under their breath?”

“You’re right,” Lisa says confidently, staring Taryn right in the eye.

“What?” Taryn asks.

“My friends do treat people badly sometimes. Frankly, I haven’t really felt like hanging out with anybody lately, cool group or not. None of it really matters. I only ever cared what one person thought of me, but he’s gone now. So sure, Tess, I’d love to sit with you at lunch. If I don’t ditch. But that’s not going to make the world a better place.”

Lisa raises an eyebrow at Taryn. “And
you
need to stop pretending that high school social groups don’t affect you. After all, you’ve created one for yourself.” Lisa motions to Simone and Christina.

“That’s true,” Tomas says. “And you say awful things to people all the time.”

“This is a stupid party!” Taryn says. And my mom thought this would be fun.

Lisa picks up a baby carrot and points it in my direction. “Truth or dare?” I know Lisa saw Saskia and me kiss in the bathroom. I don’t like feeling that she has something she can lord over me, but she would have said something to Ashley or Robert already if she was interested in spreading gossip. Everyone here except Tess knows about my feelings for Saskia anyway, so it’s not them I’m worried about. Would Lisa dare say anything with my parents upstairs?

I’m not ready for the truth. “Dare,” I say without flinching. Tomas edges to the front of his seat, awaiting something juicy. Lisa’s silence charges the room. The smallest movement could bring on a shock.

“Show them your scruff day photos,” Lisa says before picking up a wide slice of cheeseless pizza.

“What on earth is scruff day?” Tomas asks, and Lisa pulls a long strand of cheese from her slice with mirth in her eyes. I shake my head and giggle a little for the first time all evening.

“I have no idea where they are,” I protest.

Lisa isn’t giving up. “We can always ask your mom. I can go get her,” Lisa says as she drops her pizza and stands up. She begins to run out of the living room toward the stairs. I race after her and tug the back of her shirt. She stumbles backward, laughing and swatting at my arm.

“Mrs. Azadi!” she yells, and the bedroom door opens. I put my hand over Lisa’s mouth, but she licks my palm and I pull it away and wipe it on my jeans. Gross.

“Yes, girls?” Mom asks from upstairs.

Minutes later Mom has started a home movie of Lisa and me on the TV, and Taryn is laughing harder than any of the rest of us at footage of a Halloween parade at our elementary school.

“Oh, you guys were so cute!” Mom says, having sat herself right between Lisa and me on the couch. I’d be embarrassed by all this if I weren’t so depressed. We are in second grade, and Lisa is dressed as Cinderella and I am dressed as a pumpkin.

“Did you guys mean to do that?” Simone asks, pointing at our younger selves on TV. I say no and Lisa says yes at the same time. I lean over Mom to look at Lisa, who keeps her attention on the television.

“Leila kept bragging about how her mom got her a pumpkin costume,” Lisa says.

“Such a cute outfit!” Mom says, pinching my cheek, and Taryn laughs some more. This is mortifying.

“She kept talking about how excited she was, so I wanted to join in,” Lisa lies. I had complained how much Mom loved the pumpkin costume, and I hated it but didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Lisa showed up in a Cinderella costume and made me feel better. She said that way we could go to the ball together.

“Halloween is the best thing ever,” Christina says as she studies the pageantry, trying to figure out all the costumes.

“Christina likes Halloween all year round,” Taryn says. Christina bears her fangs and hisses at her. Mom grabs my hand tightly as though Christina might actually strike.

“Why don’t I cut you guys some watermelon?” Mom asks, only it sounds like
“vatermelon”
and makes me think of Lisa’s Mom’s long-ago comments. Mom gets up and makes sure not to step on Tomas, who is lounging on the rug.

“I actually love Halloween, too,” says Simone. “It’s nondenominational, kids get candy, grown-ups party, everybody wins.”

“I’ve never been crazy about the pranks,” says Tomas.

“Yeah, but I love that you get to be whatever you want on Halloween,” Tess says. “It’s like living with a fantasy identity for one day.” Tess then looks at Christina. “Is that why you do it?” Christina cocks her head to the side and ponders the question.

“I hate to break this to you, but vampires are passé,” Tomas says. “What with
Twilight
and
True
—” He’s interrupted by a feral growl from Christina.

“Do
not
say the T-word in my presence. Ever.” Christina says it with conviction and anger. Guess she’s not a Twihard. “I pay homage to the old ones because I like the idea of being forever young. When you were a kid, don’t you remember just having
full
days when you were absolutely elated? Like when you can’t wait for your birthday because you’re so excited or you read a book you love and want to share it with everyone. Adults lose that. They have moments of happiness, maybe. Don’t you see how they are? They judge, they get angry, they worry; they want things before time runs out but never go after them. I don’t want to be like that.”

This is the most I’ve ever heard Christina speak. I think this is the most Taryn or Simone has heard her speak, too, because they are paying her their full attention. The home movie of Lisa and me sitting by each other at a Halloween party continues. Eight-year-old Lisa is laughing while eight-year-old me sticks my tongue out at her.

“Why not dress like Peter Pan then?” Tomas asks, not really understanding Christina’s behavior.

“Can you see me in green tights?” Christina is wearing black jeans, a
Nosferatu
T-shirt Taryn made for her, and purple streaks in her hair. We collectively shake our heads. “Besides, I’m dressed like a lost boy.” We look at her in confusion. “Eighties vampire flick.
The Lost Boys
.” No one knows what she’s talking about. “We’re going to need to have a vampire movie marathon. Minus the T-word.”

Mom walks in with a giant bowl filled with chunks of watermelon. “Oh, I wish you all came over all the time. It’s so nice having the house full.” She gazes at the TV. “Look how happy you were,” she says with a hint of sadness. She puts the bowl of watermelon on the center table. “I was never here! Good night, everyone!”

I feel Lisa look at me. “Dare is over. Your turn.”

“I dare everyone to watch
Zombie Killers Part II
right now.”

By the end of the night, after all the screaming and laughter only an epic like
Zombie Killers Part II
could produce, the group starts to break up. Tess is the first to wave good night to everyone and then head upstairs. I insisted she sleep over because I feel protective of her after her trip to the hospital.

“Vampire movie marathon. We’re setting it up on the screens in the auditorium.” It’s a command, not a suggestion, from Christina, and I nod because it’s incredible to see her enthusiastic about something.

Simone gives me a big hug. “Tell your beautiful mom she is an excellent hostess.”

Taryn just lightly punches me on the shoulder. Then the tech crew girls grab their coats and drift outside to pile into Taryn’s car.