Take a Chance on Me (2 page)

‘
Y
ou look gorgeous
!' said Ryan, wiping his hands on an apron that bore the words ‘Stand Clear – Man Cooking'. He invited Charlie inside and hugged her fiercely. A small coffee-and-black miniature Schnauzer that had accompanied him to the door, wearing a blue velvet bow tie, was equally effusive and jumped up at her legs, tail wagging furiously, vying for her attention.

‘Put her down, Ryan. You have to attend to the cooking and Charlie needs a drink!' called Mercedes.

Ryan winked at Charlie. ‘Yes, boss!' he replied and disappeared again.

Mercedes wheeled into the room. Charlie handed over the chilled bottle of Pinot Grigio then bent down to the small dog.

‘Hello Bentley. Don't you look smart in your posh bow tie?'

The dog rolled on his back to have his stomach rubbed. She obliged.

‘Ryan's right. You look stunning. You should be in a nightclub surrounded by lustful men not hanging out with us fuddy-duddies,' Mercedes said. Charlie rolled her eyes at her friend. ‘Fancy a glass of this, or do you want to try some extra-strength beer? Ryan has an enormous crate of it. I can't imagine he'll drink it all.'

Ryan reappeared with perfect timing, clutching glasses and a corkscrew. ‘I shall drink it. I blame my wife. She drives me to drink.'

Mercedes grabbed a cushion and threw it at him. Ducking at the last minute, it hit the curtain behind him. He laughed and disappeared again. Bentley raced off to join him.

‘I won't ask. I can tell by your face it was just terrible,' said Mercedes, extracting the cork from the bottle and pouring three generous glasses of wine.

‘It's always bad. Every birthday since she died has been dreadful, however this one was the worst. She'd have been an adult today, and I can't help but wonder what she would have been like. I keep imagining life with her. We'd have been such good friends. We were always such good friends.' Charlie stopped before her emotions got the better of her and she dampened the party vibe. ‘Anyway, it's not about me. This is about the New Year and new beginnings. I bet you are delighted about Ryan's promotion.'

‘She wants me to wear my new inspector's cap to bed,' said Ryan who returned with a bowl of crisps and some nuts, Bentley following behind carrying a chew. He took it to his bed and sat down with it, observing the trio.

Mercedes snorted. ‘The handcuffs are enough, Ryan,' she sniggered and lifted her glass. ‘To Ryan – a wonderful man – and to his new career as an inspector.'

‘Cheers!'

‘Inspector Ryan Thomson. It has a certain ring to it, doesn't it?' said Ryan, quaffing his wine. ‘Oh hang on, that's the doorbell. It'll be Debbie and Colin. I invited them a little earlier than the others. Um, I think they're bringing Colin's mate, Rob. I hope that's okay. He's over from Thailand and they didn't want to leave him on his own. I said he could join us.' He scurried off, pursued by an excited Bentley, leaving Mercedes to roll her eyes behind his back. Charlie stifled a giggle.

‘Honestly, will he never learn? Sorry, Charlie. Hope this Rob isn't a frightful bore.'

I
t transpired that Rob
, sun-tanned from his time abroad, was an amusing and attentive guest who entertained them all with stories of life in Thailand. The evening passed in a haze of laughter and joviality. Ryan and Mercedes were tremendous hosts. After playing several silly games involving passing balloons through various parts of their clothing, drinking too much, dancing to some rather loud eighties music, and avoiding an overexcited Bentley who skidded among them until he tired himself out, they sat everyone down.

‘Here we go,' said Mercedes, handing a small box to each of the guests.

‘What's in it?' asked Charlie, rattling the box.

‘Duh! Why not open it and find out, Miss Marple?'

Charlie undid one end and a blue object fell out in to her lap. She picked it up and turned it around in her hand, eyebrows furrowed in puzzlement.

‘It looks like a kazoo.'

Glancing at the others, she saw that they too had kazoos all varying in colours.

‘And why have I got a pink one?' asked Rob. ‘I should have a blue one. I'm a boy.'

Charlie made a tutting noise. ‘Hand it over. I'll swap with you.'

Colin was blowing into his green kazoo with force, making his cheeks red. ‘It doesn't work. Mine's broken,' he complained.

‘You stick the large end into your mouth,' said Mercedes, causing her friends to snigger. When they'd settled back down, she continued. ‘You're like children. Behave yourselves. It'll only take you a few minutes to learn how to play it.'

Debbie was confused. ‘Why do we need to play it? This is a just a toy for children,' she mumbled.

‘Ah, that's where you're wrong,' Ryan replied. ‘It's used by adults and has a fascinating history. Well, sort of fascinating, because no one is quite sure how kazoos came to be used. Maybe the cavemen made kazoos and hummed around the campfires, after all, they didn't have much else to do on an evening.'

Rob chuckled. ‘I could think of something far more interesting to do than play this.'

Colin piped up, ‘Me too.'

‘Yes, but that would only take up five minutes,' retorted Debbie and they all laughed again.

Mercedes got some order back to proceedings. ‘As far as I can gather, the kazoo has been around for quite a while in one form or another. All over the world, people used hollow tubes to make sounds. People used all sorts of things, like bamboo, bones, and gourds to vibrate for different sounds,' she said. ‘I read that somewhere in Africa, dried spider-egg sacs were used. I couldn't find any of those so you've been spared that pleasure. They called these sorts of instruments
mirlitons
and they were around in Europe from at least the sixteen-hundreds, or maybe before.'

Colin stuck his kazoo in his mouth and pretended it was a cigarette. No one paid any attention to him so he removed it again and listened to Mercedes.

‘Around 1840, Alabama Vest took the idea to a German clockmaker named Thaddeus von Clegg and they made a kazoo. A travelling salesman, Emil Sorg, saw the kazoo and decided it would be easy to sell. He got together with a metalworker called Michael McIntyre and together they produced the first metal kazoo in 1912.

‘At first, it was treated as a real musical instrument. It became part of serious music, then later part of folk music. And today, it is used on some famous songs. Anyway peeps, enough of the history lesson. We're going to have a few minutes to learn how to play… and then we're having a Kazoo Karaoke party. Ryan's going to get the Karaoke DVD ready, then I nominate Debbie to start. She looks like she could blow a mean tune.'

Once Charlie discovered she did not need to blow or hum but instead needed to vocalise to get sounds out of the kazoo, she had mastered it. It was indeed melodic, and bizarrely addictive.

Before long they were all buzzing along to various songs, and in between, Ryan made sure their glasses remained charged. It was thirsty work playing a kazoo.

All were in exuberant spirits as they counted down to a brand new year and sang ‘Auld Lang Syne'. Rob ensured Charlie's year started well with a passionate kiss that she rather enjoyed but felt was fuelled by Ryan's beer rather than any strong attraction for her.

It was almost two in the morning when having said goodbye to the others, Charlie was sunk into a cushion on the sofa attempting to balance a cup of black coffee on the arm. Bentley was asleep next to her, his bow tie still firmly in place. Ryan, having consumed far too many beers, was slumped in a chair opposite her, wearing his new inspector's cap. Mercedes was by his side, sipping a glass of water, one hand on his knee.

‘You're a lovely lady, Charlie,' he slurred. He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. ‘It's a big shame you haven't found another man. Rob's a fun guy. I think he took a shine to you.'

‘Actually, he asked me for my phone number,' she replied. ‘I'm not sure though. He's a laugh, but I suspect he's a bit of a lady's man. My tonsils are still tingling after he kissed me.'

‘He kissed every woman here and almost snogged Colin, which came as a shock to the poor man,' said Mercedes.

‘Colin should never have worn that floral shirt,' sniggered Ryan. ‘Don't you think you should test the water with Rob, so to speak? It's been five years since you went out with a man.'

‘I went out with Perry,' she protested.

Mercedes snorted back a laugh. ‘Nurse Perry Farquharson bats for the other side, my dear, as we all know. You went to a musical together and then out shopping. If I remember correctly you ended up in MAC where you both got a makeover and Perry insisted on purchasing some lurid yellow nail varnish to match his new cravat. That doesn't count as going out with a man.'

Charlie giggled and hiccoughed. ‘Damn hiccoughs. It always happens when I drink too much. Hang about. You're forgetting Harrison Matthews who worked at the hospital. I went out with him. Big mistake.'

‘Oh yes. Harrison was pretty intense, wasn't he?' agreed Mercedes.

‘He was definitely weird. He wouldn't leave me alone after we split up. He had real problems letting go.'

‘He sent flowers to the studio for weeks. It was like a florist's in there. I didn't like the way he'd pass by the studio door and stare in through the glass. It was a good thing he left. Something very odd about that guy.'

‘Yeah, I was beginning to get freaked out by him, but then he left a note saying he was leaving and that was that. There aren't many suitable free men out there. Besides, I'm too old now. I'm going to be forty this year. Yuck! An old maid. Boring and old.'

‘Rubbish. You're still plenty young enough to live life and find someone again. After all, look at Gavin and Tess. Who'd have thought they'd have a baby? Tess is forty-four.'

‘Ryan,' warned Mercedes.

‘It's all right,' replied Charlie. ‘I'm sort of pleased for them. No, I'm very pleased for them. It's a bit of a shock, that's all. Gavin seems to have got his life back on track but I don't seem to have moved on much. I'm such a wimp. I shouldn't be so frightened of change, should I? I love working for the radio and I like my house, I enjoy doing the garden and cooking, but I haven't done anything exciting the last few years. I haven't been on holiday abroad since.

‘Gavin gave up his career as a lawyer to go and be a surfing and sailing guru in Devon, and there's Rob who told me all about his exploits in Thailand. Crikey, the man sold a small building business to go and become a photographer! Then, there's me. I've been stuck in my bubble for five years, venturing no further than the Lake District, and even then I came home three days early because it rained and I was lonely.

‘I should've gone back into marketing and had a career, instead of moping about. Inheriting mum's house and money made me lazy. It all happened at the wrong time. I didn't want to do anything after I lost Amy, then Gavin and finally Mum. I let too much time drift by. Even now, some days, I tell myself I should get off my backside and find a proper job but then that stupid voice in my head reminds me I'm too old. I've missed that particular boat. I wouldn't be able to get an interview, let alone pass one.'

‘You're being too hard on yourself,' argued Mercedes. ‘You do so much good. First off, Art would be in a right pickle if you didn't bake cakes for the café. They're probably what are keeping the place afloat, because I'm sure the craft items in the shop aren't big sellers. Next, you help oodles of people in hospital and not just through the radio show. You spend huge amounts of time chatting to patients if they have no visitors, or in the hospital coffee shop, talking to relatives who are anxious. You are a positive, kind person. People really like you.

‘Your problem is you devote too much of your time to good causes and not enough to yourself. How much money did you raise for that little girl who went to America for a bone marrow transplant operation? What about Tommy Atkinson? You worked tirelessly to get him a guide dog. Not to mention the annual event you organise for the Rainbow Trust. You're far from lazy.'

‘It seems so little. Besides it's always fun to set up stalls and raise money, so that doesn't seem like any effort. If you look at it from the outside, I'm a part-time worker and volunteer who lives on her own. I've not achieved anything. I'm going to be forty. That seems frighteningly old. And I discovered my first grey hair yesterday. And on top of it all, I have no husband, no parents and no children. You, on the other hand, have your family up North. You have Bentley and Ryan who's not only a wonderful man but is now an important inspector.'

‘Inspector Clueless!' giggled Mercedes as Ryan began to doze off.

‘I heard that,' he mumbled.

‘I'm nearly forty for God's sake,' Charlie moaned. ‘I should be doing more with my life, but what?'

Mercedes prodded Ryan in the ribs. ‘Wake up sleepy. We need your help. I have had an idea.'

‘Oh no! Not a genuine Mercedes brainwave!' groaned Ryan.

‘I know, we'll both write out a list of what we want to do, see or achieve this year. It'll be a sort of mini bucket list. Make that a Carpe Diem list. That's much more positive. I don't think either of us intend kicking the bucket just yet. That'll give us a few objectives for the year. You'll be able to get stuck into projects and tackle goals before you become an ancient has-been and I'll try out some exciting challenges and activities that appeal to my adventurous spirit even though I'm in this wheelchair. Ryan, would you please fetch some paper. No, first, bring us some more wine. This is going to take some thought.'