Tahn (42 page)

He was a puzzle of strength and vulnerability. Before he had whisked her out her window, she’d never known anyone so deeply needy. And yet he’d taken immense responsibility on himself, even before he knew God’s mercy for himself. Jarel could be right. He might still be dangerous. But only in an extreme circumstance, which was all he seemed to know before. Now he was a man who knew mercy and was willing to share it. And Netta found that very easy to love.

“Love is of God,”
Father Anolle had said.
“Sort out your own heart and trust what you find there.”

Netta looked out at the leaves scattered across the yard. Soon it would be winter. Karll came courting for the first time in winter. It had been a stormy day, and he’d lingered and gotten snowbound at their estate. Father had said he surely planned it that way.

She smiled for a moment and then glanced over at the guardhouse. She wasn’t sure if Tahn were there with Vari and his guest or not. They were so different, Karll and Tahn. But alike in some ways too. In other circumstances, they might have been friends.

She looked up at the clouds and wondered what Karll might be thinking of her now. Surely in heaven, he understood and had forgiven. But how would he feel, now that she found herself desiring to be courted again?

Lord, am I a fool?
She rose to her feet, her heart full of questions.
It seems crazy to feel this way, but I can’t deny what I come back to again and again. What would he have without us? What would I have without him?

She hugged her arms to herself and bowed her head.
Jesus, you redeemed a dark angel to become a man of your light, and now I find that I love him. Help me! I want him to be free, yet he tries to hide himself so much. Help him to give you all of that hurt. And guide my steps and my heart.

The rest of the day afforded no opportunity to talk to Tahn. Supper was busy with the chatter of children. Vari was with them for the first time all day. But not Tahn.

“Is Mr. Dorn with your friend tonight?” Netta asked him casually.

“Yes,” he answered between bites of Hildy’s pudding.

“Ask them both to join us for breakfast,” Benn told him. “If young Marcus is up to it.”

“He will be. I asked him tonight, but he didn’t expect he’d be welcome. He can’t really figure why you’d let him be around.”

“I am pleased to learn he hungers for more of the God who gives him rest. He’s about fifteen, you would say?”

“We think so. It’s hard to know for sure.”

“I want to talk to him about his future, if he has any special plans.”

“He does, sir. He heard about Lorne, and he’s hoping you’ll hire him too, though he’s got no family to support.”

“I am willing to consider it. After we talk.”

Vari smiled. “I knew it! You’re God blessed, sir!” He ate heartily, triple helpings. When the meal was finished, he promised the younger boys he’d join them overnight and then took a tray back to the guardhouse.

Benn went to his study, and Netta followed him.

“Father, may I talk—” She stopped suddenly, seeing Jarel in a chair.

“Of course, daughter.” He sat down. “Jarel was just suggesting to me that we support some sort of plan to help the poor of other towns as we have in Onath.”

“A wonderful thought,” Netta agreed, turning to Jarel with a smile. “I’m pleased. I think of it when I see these children. How many more are out there?”

Jarel stood. “Do you want me to step out, cousin?”

She hadn’t considered Jarel’s presence, but she shook her head. He was family, after all. “No, it’s all right.” She clasped his hand for a moment and then turned again to her father. “I’m concerned about Mr. Dorn. He is so withdrawn.”

“Between young Marcus and beginning his work with the guards, he’s been occupied,” Benn tried to assure her.

“You know it’s more than that. He spends almost no time at the house, Father, even for the children’s sakes.”

Benn sighed. “Netta, dear, I don’t think he counts himself worthy of us yet. He carries himself toward me like a bound servant, though I try to treat him like a son. I told him this afternoon that we are all made worthy in the love of God. He understands, in his heart. But his mind still tells him he does not belong here.”

“How can we help him?”

Jarel cleared his throat quickly. “There’s only one way to help.”

Benn and Netta both turned to look at him.

“You’re the problem, Netta,” Jarel said. “He’s so afraid of insulting you that it’s breaking his heart.”

She was so stricken by the words that her hands shook. “Insulting me?”

“Of course. A street rat turned killer—the killer of your own husband, even—daring to think as he does of the Lady Trilett. What would you have thought a year ago?”

“None of us are as we were a year ago.”

“True enough. But I found out how vulnerable he is. I asked him about you. I was hard on him. And he very nearly left then. If he ever gets the idea he bothers you, cousin, he’ll be gone. And I’m not sure he would recover from it.”

She turned to her father with her heart pounding. “What should I do?”

But Benn took her into his arms. “We trust him in Christ’s hands, my child. If there is to be more than that, God will guide your heart.”

The next morning, Vari and Marcus joined the Trilett table for breakfast, but Tahn was not with them. It was too much for Netta. She excused herself quickly and went outside.

He was not at the guardhouse or anywhere by the pond. She went to the shelter at the gate.

“He was by the wall to the west a short time ago, my lady,” one of the guards told her. “He was walking the perimeter. Is he needed at the house? I can find him for you.”

“No. No, thank you.” She turned from them and looked out across the estate grounds. Was he still by the wall somewhere? She started out to the east, praying that God would give her the right words to say.

Where the north and east walls met, there was an old willow tree with branches drooping nearly to the ground. Tahn was sitting there, his back to the tree and his head bowed. Before she could speak, he looked up.

“Lady.” The title hung in the air for a moment. He stood, glancing past her, and realized she was alone. He stared down at the dirt. “You’ve walked far. Is there something I can do for you?”

“I wish to speak to you, if it is all right.”

“Of course, my lady.” He ducked his head like a shy child.

She smiled. “I have told the children to please call me Netta. I would like it of you, as well. And I am not greatly fond of continuing to call you Mr. Dorn. Might I please call you Tahn?”

“Yes.” He spoke quietly and with difficulty, without looking up. “Whatever you wish, Lady. I will answer to it.”

“Tahn, you are not our slave. You do not need to be afraid to meet my eyes.”

“I can’t hide what is in them, Miss. And I don’t want to frighten you. I swore to your father I would never hurt you again.”

She stood for a moment, wondering how to respond. It surprised her that he would be so straightforward.

“You won’t hurt me, Tahn. I know you better than that by now.”

He sighed. “You don’t understand. I wish you a safe and prosperous life. But I don’t fit with that, Lady. It is better that I find another way for myself. I was thinking to go after Smoke and then—”

“What? Where would you go? You’ve become important to me. And to your little ones. You can’t leave!”

He shifted uncomfortably and looked at his boots. “Lady Netta … forgive me. I—I need to be honest with you.” He took a deep breath and suddenly seemed almost frail.

“I care for you,” he said with quiet voice. “Deeply. You are a saint. A loving teacher. A precious jewel. I can’t stay here. I can’t think these thoughts.”

“Leaving won’t stop you from thinking, my friend.” She took a step toward him, but he shook his head and turned to walk away.

“Tahn!” she called after him. “Please—why are you punishing yourself?”

He stopped for a moment, and his shoulders seemed to shake. But then he went on from her with quick steps.

“Tahn!” She ran after him.

He was going through the trees, toward the stable, but finally as they broke into the clearing by the pond, she caught his arm. “You should know us by now! If you go, Vari and I will come after you. We will find you and bring you home.”

She stepped in front of him and saw the depth of pain in his eyes.

“I have never had a home,” he said. “Except in heaven now.”

“You have a home here. With us! We want you here.”

He shook his head again. “I am not Lorne or Marcus. Your father expects something different from me. But I look at myself, and I know I don’t belong.”

She took both of his hands. “Tell me, Tahn, when God looks at you, what does he see?”

He bowed his head. “A sinner—a man of blood—that he graciously saved from eternal fire. May I never shame the gift.”

“Yes. But there is more. He sees his
child
, Tahn! And he loves you dearly. The only blood he sees now is that of his own Son, and it gives you all the favor of heaven.”

“But what about you, Lady? Do you not see Karll when you look at me?”

“Not anymore. I see Vari sometimes. Or Duncan, or some other little child. Or the weight of a man named Samis who haunts you still. But mostly I see the love that is in you—”

He started to pull away, unable to bear it.

“Wait! Let me finish! You love all the children. You love me, and my father, the priest in town, even Jarel. I rejoice that you received God’s love for salvation! But please, receive our love too, Tahn. Let us care for you. Let me care for you!”

He stared at her with fear in his eyes. “But I’m not—”

“Don’t say you’re not worthy! Jesus counted you worthy of eternal life. Of his love! How could you not be worthy of mine?”

He saw the tears now spilling down her cheeks. And something inside him seemed to melt away. “Netta …” He spoke with trembling voice.

“Yes?”

“I thought I would frighten you. But right now, I am the one afraid.”

“I know.” She smiled. “I like to tell the children how good it is to hug one another. But we have never … dared. Do you think we could?”

He looked like he might flee. But he took a deep breath and nodded. She took a cautious step, and he pulled her into his embrace. She could feel him trembling in her arms.

“You have no obligation to me,” he said. “I would be pleased to call you my friend.”

“I will always be that.” She held him tightly, hoping he could put aside his doubt. “Thank you, Jesus,” she whispered, petting his hair. “Thank you, Jesus.”

“I loved you before I kidnapped you, Lady,” he said softly. “The night your husband died, when I saw the angel standing between us, I wanted to know a person God loved so much as that. I think I fell in love with the idea of it.”

She pulled from him just enough to see his face, but he turned his eyes away again.

“I never thought I could touch such things. God, and you, were out of my grasp. But when I knew God …” He shook his head again suddenly and tried to pull away.

“Tahn! Please finish!” She touched her hand to his hair again. “Please. It’s all right.”

“I can’t describe what happened when God touched me, Lady! I never thought he would ever have me! I cried and I danced like a fool. I have never been happy like that. All of my days I will praise him for it. His love
was
within my grasp, because he was reaching for me! But you—”

“You never thought I would?”

“Never, Lady. And I’d never been more sure of anything. But it is not so bad. To have the love of heaven is an unspeakable gift. And I am used to not being loved in this world.”

“Oh, Tahn! Can you forget the past?”

“Without it, I would have no identity at all. Except as a babe in salvation.”

“That is all you need, don’t you think?” She smiled.

She had such a beautiful smile. How he’d longed to see it so, without a trace of fear. It brought his smile in response, and he moved to hug her again but then hesitated. Would it really be all right with her? “Lady …”

“Yes.” She understood the question before he spoke it. “Of course you may.” She held him tightly and felt his strong arms encircle her again.
God, fill him with the peace I feel,
she prayed.

“Perhaps you’re right,” he told her. “I told Tam we just go on from here. Yesterday is like the wind that is blown past us.”

“You will stay with us then, won’t you?”

He met her eyes for the first time and nodded. “I would not put you to the trouble of seeking me. And Vari has enough to think about.”

“I am so glad!” She laughed and hugged him again. “It would be terribly hard to find another suitable trainer for our men.”

He looked at her oddly and saw the gentle tease in her eyes.

“I would have missed you greatly, my friend,” she said and gently touched the scar on his face. Then she reached and kissed his cheek.

He looked as frightened as he had before, but he lifted his hand to touch her hair.

“Netta …” Slowly he leaned and kissed her lips. They were so warm, so inviting, that he abruptly turned away from her again.

“Tahn.” She reached for his hand before he could get away and held on to it tightly. “Will you join me for our next meal? Please? We all think you need to eat more, and certainly not alone.”