Sweet Sofie (16 page)

She hadn’t gone running in the back walkway of her house since the day they kissed, hadn’t even seen Brandon again until Friday. The only thing Eric had asked her since then was if her running at the beach now instead of her usual place had anything to do with Brandon. Of course, she denied it. She told him it was because the days were so beautiful, and he knew how much she loved the beach, especially in the summer. He hadn’tr. 8"> < brought Brandon up since.

Brandon would be leaving first thing Saturday morning. At least that’s what she heard him tell Alex. The fact it relieved her also gnawed at her. Not a day had gone by since the kiss that she hadn’t thought of it. At first she kept wondering what would have happened if she had let it go on. She knew the moment she left his place she wouldn’t be stepping foot in that walkway again, afraid of what might happen—what he might say. Mostly, she was afraid he might ask her again if she
wanted to
.

After seeing Eric in Los Angeles, then again this past weekend, the answer to Brandon’s question was clear.
Absolutely not
, and she wouldn’t hesitate to scream it in his face if he ever asked her again. But the fact still remained—she let him kiss her—hold her, and it riddled her with guilt. Why hadn’t she told him to stop when he gave her the chance?

She lay down on her bed, certain she was in for another night of tossing and turning. Eric had been so sweet when she spoke to him earlier on the phone. The guilt weighed heavier and heavier with every conversation.

*

Even though he was staying with his mom during the summer, they hadn’t really talked a whole lot since he’d been there. His mom was an RN and worked different shifts every week. She worked at two different hospitals and was gone a lot. When she wasn’t gone, she was sleeping since her shifts were usually night shifts.

The few conversations they’d had were as generic as all the conversations he remembered having with her. Work, school, his internship… she asked him about Sofia but he made it pretty clear that was not a subject he would elaborate on, so she hadn’t asked since. Why should he share the most precious thing in his life with her? He didn’t feel she deserved it.

Most of the meals he’d had so far consisted of him slapping a grilled cheese, or throwing cup of noodles in the microwave and eating it alone in front of the television or in the spare bedroom—the room his mother told him was his for the summer, and for as long as he ever needed it. So when he got home Monday night, he was surprised to see the small kitchen table set up and her making dinner.

She smiled when he walked in. “Hey, I hope you like roast! I was in the mood to cook a real dinner.”

Eric glanced around. She’d made mashed potatoes and even had a bowl of fresh baked rolls. He wasn’t sure how he felt about having to sit through an entire meal with her.

“Can you grab that salad and put in on the table for me?” His mom was already putting two plates of dinner together. “Is juice okay or you want milk?”

“Juice is fine.” He placed the salad on the table and walked over to pull out the glasses from the cupboard. “You want juice also?”

“Yes, please.”

Eric poured two glasses and brought them over to the table. With everything set, they sat down to eat. He made a few comments about the quality of the food, especially the dinner rolls which she’d made from scratch. She must’ve had the day off to have time for all this. Eric felt bad now; he’d been this close to passing and heading straight to his room.

After a few more minutes of their usual generic conversation, his mom put her fork down and placed her nd his room.

Growing up, he never dwelled on the fact that he didn’t have a mother. He remembered asking his dad when he was a kid where his mother was, but only out of curiosity. It wasn’t until he was ten that his dad tried to explain to him about his mom having “issues” and her reasons for not sticking around, but he always assured him that she loved him.

“I’m sorry,” she continued, “that I didn’t feel strong enough or mature enough to handle a child. I’m just so glad that your father has been there for you and obviously has done an excellent job of raising you. But I want you to know, I’ve always loved you.”

A tear rolled down her cheek and she wiped it away. Eric didn’t know what to say—didn’t even understand why hearing her say she loved him moved him so strongly now. He’d never in all of his twenty years, needed her love, never even thought about it, but hearing her say it did something to him. Still, he was without words.

She dabbed her eyes and nose with a napkin and smiled weakly. “I only hope you’ll continue to give me the opportunity to make up for some of the time we lost.”

Eric nodded. “I will.”

It was all he could think of to say. They ate the rest of their dinner in silence. When they finished, he helped her clear the table. After placing the butter back in the fridge, he glanced at her at the sink, getting ready to wash the dishes. Without even thinking about it, something made him walk over and hug her. It took her by surprise, but she hugged him back.

“Thanks for dinner, Mom.”

He’d never called her that—never called her anything. He’d always just answered her questions or spoke to her without any reference to her name or what she was to him. The only time he referred to her as his mom was when he spoke to Sofia about her. It felt good.

She smiled, the tears welling in her eyes again. “You’re welcome, son.”

The truth shall set you free

Lost in thought, Sofia hadn’t even touched her sandwich.

“What’s with you lately?” Naomi crunched into her pretzel.

Sofia came back to earth and glanced at Naomi, who was staring at her. “You’ve been really spaced out the last couple times I’ve seen you. Something wrong?”

Sofia picked up half of her sandwich, but then stopped and put it down again.

“Can I tell you something and you promise you won’t lose respect for me?”

Naomi’s eyes widened. “Wow, sounds juicy.” She put the rest of her pretzel in her mouth and leaned her arms against the picnic table. “Sure, I would never lose respect for you.”

Sofia took a deep breath and wondered if she should. It was killing her, and she hadn’t told anyone. Not even Sarah, who she normally confided in when it came to her relationship with Eric. She was just too ashamed. Naomi, at least, was more detached from the whole situation. She hadn’t even met Eric.

“I did something I regret so bad.” She bit her lip. Naomi watched her, but didn’t say anything. “I kissed another guy.”

Naomi’s eyes widened again, but she still didn’t say anything. She seemed to be waiting for Sofia to continue. Sofia briefed her on her history with Brandon. Then she told her about the kiss and about the part she felt most guilty about—the fact that she
had
wanted it. That in that moment, she’d wanted more.

“I don’t know why I didn’t just say no. All I kept saying was I can’t.” She shook her head, feeling a weight in her chest. The same weight she’d felt since that day. She thought maybe telling someone might lift it somehow, but it hadn’t.

“Sofia.” Naomi reached across the table and touched her hand. “It’s okay. It was a new experience for you. He was trying to seduce you, honey.” She giggled. “Sounds like it almost worked, too. A lesser woman might’ve given in, you know.”

“But I did give in,” Sofia argued, “I let him kiss me… touch me. And… I touched him back. It was—exciting. ”

God, how could she live with herself? If she ever found out Eric did something like that, she’d die. She put her hand over her face.

“But you stopped, Sof. A lot of women wouldn’t have.” Naomi pulled Sofia’s hand away from her face. “Listen, we’ve talked about this. So you were curious. It sounds to me like you had a deep-seeded crush on this guy from way back. The opportunity presented itself when you least expected it. And I hate to say it, but I think he may have taken advantage of it.”

Sofia stared at her, confused. “Why do you think that?”

nd hisofia stare

“Well, you said you always thought he was smarter than most people gave him credit for, right?”

Sofia nodded, thinking about it.

“I’m sure he picked up on the fact that he made you a little nervous even back in high school. Then he comes back and you said he made you feel things you shouldn’t be feeling.” Naomi shrugged. “He probably picked up on that, too. Sofia, you’re a very attractive girl, no guy would pass up the opportunity to at least try to kiss you, if they thought they had a chance.”

Sofia wanted to be mad. She really did. If Brandon tried to seduce her even after saying he respected that she was with Eric, that was pretty low down. But the truth was if Naomi was right, it was her own fault. She gave him the initial green light and he just went for it. Hell, he even gave her the opportunity to stop him and she hadn’t.

***

That Friday, Eric was not getting out early, so he wouldn’t be home until the next morning. Sofia still hadn’t been out to run in the back walkway since the kiss. She hadn’t planned on going back out there until Brandon was gone, but after her conversation with Naomi, she knew she wouldn’t feel better until she did something.

She folded the paper with Brandon’s poem on it, and stuck it in her shorts pocket. Her morning run had been extra early today. She hadn’t been able to sleep anymore so she got up and took off to the beach. After thinking about it during her entire run, she made up her mind.

Alex was in the kitchen, making a protein drink like he usually did every morning. He turned to her as she walked in. “Why are you up so early?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” was all she responded as she grabbed the knob to the back door.

“I thought you just came from running.”

“I did.” She turned it only to find it locked.

“So where you going now?”

Annoyed at his questioning, Sofia turned the lock. She hated that even as an adult, Alex still questioned her constantly. “Brandon’s leaving tomorrow. I just wanted to tell him something before he leaves.”

“You’re not going out there to race him, are you?” The annoyance on his face was so typical. Neither he, nor Angel had said anything to her since Brandon brought it up, but the expressions on their faces that night said it all. They didn’t like it.

“No,” she said as she walked out. “I’ll be right back.”

Brandon was on his way back from the park. He was shirtless, and from the sweat that glistened over his body, she could tell he’d been running for a while. He had a headset on and wasn’t looking up. No way was she touching him to get his attention. Instead, she made the noise he usually made to call Troop, and the pup immediately tugged the leash to try to get to her. Brandon looked up.

In an instant, that sensual smile spread across his face. He pulled the ee pt tarphones out of his ears. “Hey, I didn’t think I’d be seeing you out here anymore.”

“I’m not here to run.”

His eyes took her in from top to bottom. He had to be wondering about her running gear. “I just came from running… at the beach.”

His smile seemed to wane a bit. “Listen Sofia, about what happened. I hope you’re not upset with me, I’m really sorry—”

“I’m not,” she lied. She’d never regretted anything more in her life, but she didn’t want him thinking it was that big a deal to her. He didn’t deserve that kind of significance in her life. No man did, except Eric.

“It was a mistake. It shouldn’t have happened, but it did, and I’m glad I got it out of my system.” She shrugged. “Eric’s the only guy that’s ever kissed me. I was bound to get curious sooner or later. But that was it. That’s all it was.”

He stared at her for a moment and before he could say anything, she pulled the poem out of her pocket. “I found this. I wanted to ask you.” She unfolded the paper and handed it to him. “Can you tell me what it means? I’ve never been able to figure it out.”

His eyes seemed curious at first, then he read it and laughed. “Wow, this is such garbage. I can’t believe I thought my poetry was any good back then.”

“But do you remember what you meant by it?”

“Those were my dark days, Sof.” His eyes didn’t have the same hold on her as they had when he first got back. “I remember always trying to put into words that people didn’t know the real me, only what they perceived me to be. I never had a chance to prove them otherwise, so I didn’t even bother.”

Of course
. God she was so dense. Then she remembered. “You said if anyone would get it, it would be me.”

He smiled. “You remember that?”

She frowned. The last thing she wanted was for him to know just how much she remembered that and for how long. “I have a good memory.”

“Your brothers always acted like you were this fragile little naïve thing that needed to be protected, and everyone bought into it. But after talking to you that whole semester, I saw how independent and strong-willed you really were. You didn’t need them. But you never got the chance to show them,” he shrugged. “I thought you might be able to relate.”

He folded the paper back into the square she had it in and handed it back to her. “I’m a little flattered you held on to it this long.”

“I tacked on my tack board. Everything on there is ancient.”

He nodded. “I’m outta here tomorrow, you know—first thing in the morning.”

“I know. That’s why I came out here.”

“Really?” He seemed pleased. “To say goodbye?”

“Well that too, but…” She fidgeted with the paper in her hand, glancing down at it. “I wanted to tell you… I want you…> < to know that I would never do anything to hurt Eric. I love him more than anything,” A lump began to grow in her throat. The same lump she’d felt during her phone conversations with Eric all week. “I already explained to you about the kiss. My only regret is that I didn’t say what I should’ve. And it’s been bothering me ever since.”