Surrendering to Us (21 page)

Lucah and I didn’t get to talk until we got back in the car.

“So did my Dad ask you if you were going to propose to me?”

“No, actually. He asked me if I had any more information about the Board, but I didn’t have anything he didn’t already know about. Why, is that what your mom asked you about?” I nodded and told him all about it. I expected him to be shocked, or surprised, but he just burst out laughing.

“I’m glad you think this is funny. I doubt you would have if you’d been in my position.”

“You’re right,” he said, trying to stifle his chuckling. “Your mother is a lovely woman, but she kind of scares the shit out of me sometimes.”

“You and me both.”

Sloane was on our couch again and this time she’d been crying. Not exactly what I wanted to come home to.

“I think this is my cue to make myself scarce,” Lucah said, going to hide in the bedroom, but Sloane stopped him.

“No, it’s okay. You can stay.” He nodded and sat down on the other end of the couch and I sat next to Sloane, taking her feet onto my lap. Lucah handed her some tissues.

“What’s going on?”

She blew her nose before she answered. “I was just thinking about Ryder and how right you are about him and how much I don’t want to be attracted to him, but I can’t help it. You know me, Rory. I always have the worst taste in guys. I always pick the ones that are bad for me.” That was true. Her past relationships left a lot to be desired, and a lot of baggage in their wake. Like she didn’t have enough already.

“How can you be this into him? You’ve only met him once.” She shook her head.

“No. We met up after that. Remember that night I said I was staying late at work?” I couldn’t remember the exact night, because she did it a lot. But I agreed in the interest of moving things along.

“Well, we met up for a drink. Just a drink. We both wanted more, but I kept hearing your stupid voice in my head telling me that I was making a mistake. He was . . . he’s not like anyone I’ve ever met and I just wanted to be around him. That was why I wanted to hire him. I also thought, maybe I was being naïve, that I could help him. I know what it’s like to have a brother who’s on drugs.”

She blew her nose. Sloane was pretty much the only one in her family that had made something of herself. She had two brothers and both of them had been in and out of jail, one for drugs and the other for drinking and driving.

“I know what it’s like to deal with someone who has substance abuse. That was part of the reason why . . . I don’t know. I guess maybe I’m just trying to fix him.” Most of the guys she’d dated needed fixing, but she’d always taken them as they were and discarded them when they appeared too broken to work in her life anymore.

“You can’t fix someone, Sloane,” Lucah said.

“I know, I know. I guess I was just fooling myself. Believing in the fucking fairytale. Seeing him again today just . . . it hit me like a punch in the face. I can’t help the way I feel. But I’m going to try, and I’m going to stay away from him until he can get himself together.”

She gave me a sad smile and I wanted to cry. Was there anything as awful as a heartbroken friend?

“Aw, it’ll be okay, I promise.” It might not be okay, and I couldn’t really promise, but that was what you said to your friend when she was upset. I started working on her feet even though we’d had massages that morning. Without me having to ask, Lucah got up and started making tea, and made up a snack platter.

“Okay, I’ll do it,” he announced, setting the plate of snacks down. “I will watch the
Sex and the City
movie.” Sloane had been trying to get him to watch it for several of our movie nights, but he had vetoed, or left the apartment, every time. I couldn’t understand that he could watch nearly every other movie that was considered a chick flick, but he drew he line at that one. Until now.

Sloane smiled and grabbed a cracker topped with jam from the plate.

“If you’re trying to make me feel better, it’s working.” I grabbed Lucah’s chin and gave him a quick kiss. He was the best of the best.

We ended up watching the movie, and Lucah declared it, “Not as horrible as I thought it would be,” which was as ringing an endorsement as you could get from him about it.

I ended up walking down the hall with Sloane to her place and staying for a while.

“Are you okay, really?” We sat on the couch and she started playing with my hair.

“I just need to let it go. Some things aren’t meant to be, and this is one of those. I just have to accept it, and move on. I just wish I had someone else to take my mind off it, but then I might make some of my typical bad decisions. I’m just not good at being alone, you know?” I did.

“You know I’m here for you, whenever you need me. I didn’t choose Lucah over you. You’re still my best friend. A guy doesn’t change that.”

“I know.” She finished the braid she’d been working on and tossed it over my shoulder. “I don’t mean to be so needy.”

“You’re not needy.” We both knew that was a lie, but we made a silent agreement not to talk about it.

“Okay, go back to your man. I’m going to be fine.” I wanted to believe her.

“Look, how about we have a sleepover next week, or something? It’ll be like old times.” She smiled and I got up and gave her a hug.

“Sure, that sounds great.”

When I shut the door on Sloane and walked back to be with Lucah, I felt as if I was being torn in half. Like there wasn’t enough of me to give to both of them, so I had to pick and choose who got me. Shared custody.

“Everything okay?” Lucah said when I shut the door. He was already in his boxers, and I was momentarily distracted from my feelings of being pulled apart by the sight of his bare chest, nipple ring and the constellations of freckles scattered all over his skin.

“I miss her. And I feel like when I’m with you, I’m abandoning her. Maybe this whole Ryder thing wouldn’t have happened if I had still been living with her. I could have stopped it somehow.” He came toward me and put his hands on my shoulders.

“You can’t blame yourself for all the bad things that happen. It took me a long time to realize that, and lots of therapy all across the United States.” I knew he was right, but I couldn’t help it. I felt like a shitty friend.

“Maybe we should find a new apartment, rent the one next to it, and then just have an adjoining door.”

He shrugged.

“If that’s what you want, I think we could arrange that.” He was serious. “I understand how important she is to you. When I met Sloane I knew that she was part of the Rory package. The only place I would draw the line is at sharing a bedroom. And no bunk beds.”

I shook my head. That would be way too weird.

“I’ll think about it.” He leaned down and kissed the tip of my nose.

“It’ll be okay. I promise,” he said. I wanted to believe him, so I let him take off my shirt and take me to bed.

I was distracted about the Sloane thing at work the next day. So much so that Lilia pointed it out.

“I’m sorry, can you repeat that?” She’d been going on about something we could do to improve the company website that she’d come up with in the middle of the night.

She’d been standing across from my desk, but she shut the door, grabbed the chair and sat down.

“This may not be my place, but something is going on with you. Do you want to talk about it?” Lilia had gone from a girl who could barely make eye contact with me to one that was demanding that I talk to her about my problems. I knew she had it in her.

Did I want to talk about it? No. Did I need to talk about it? Yes.

So I started at the beginning, telling her about Lucah and me and our relationship, and Sloane, and kept going, even when my phone rang and I could see more emails popping up on my computer. She listened silently, but nodded to show that she was paying attention.

“And this is the first time I’ve had a really serious relationship and I don’t think I’m coping with it very well.” She nodded again and we sat in silence for a few minutes.

“First off, thanks for trusting me enough to tell me about your relationship. I knew already, but it was still nice to know for sure. I think you need to stop stressing out so much. But you knew that. I’m sure everyone has given you plenty of advice, and I’m sure you know, because you’re smart, that what you’re doing is silly and you need to let go of it.” Well. Yes, people had told me that and my brain knew that, but this was my MO. I’d been getting better, but I’d just fallen back into my old habits.

“Thank you, Lilia. You’re right and I’m sorry that you had to listen to me whine. I owe you an extra lunch for that.”

She grinned.

“Happy to help. Now can we go back to talking about what we were talking about before?”

“Absolutely.”

Having my college-aged assistant give it to you straight could have been embarrassing, but it was exactly what I needed. Someone who wasn’t part of my outside the office life to tell me to shut up and get over it. That was probably what people paid shrinks for. But Lilia was a hell of a lot cheaper.

We had another meeting that afternoon, and this time I was shocked to see Lucah walking toward the Board room.

“What brings you to this floor, Mr. Blythe?” I said, trying to keep the flirtation out of my voice. It wasn’t easy.

“Didn’t you read the agenda, Miss Clarke? I’m making a presentation about one of the new apps we’re designing.” No, I hadn’t read the agenda, but I figured that if he was making a presentation, he might have, I don’t know, mentioned it when we were at home. Together.

“Oh, well, I can’t wait to hear about it.” We were interrupted by Violet walking by. She must have been thinking about something else because she was about to walk right past us.

“Oh!” she said, seeing Lucah. Then her eyes went to me and she blushed. Those redheads wore their emotions on their sleeves.

“Hi, Violet,” I said, to show her that this didn’t have to be awkward, even though it probably would be.

“Hi, Rory. Um, Lucah?” She said his name like a question.

“Violet,” he said, nodding his head. She nodded back and then scurried into the room and took her seat.

“That’s going to get less weird the more we do it, right?” I whispered to him.

“God, I hope so.” As I walked by him to take my seat, his fingers brushed mine and reminded me of the last time we’d been in a meeting together. Which I probably shouldn’t think about, especially while he was making his presentation.

I took my seat and the first item on the agenda was to introduce Violet and welcome her. She got to make a little speech, which was everything the Board could possibly want to hear. There was a round of applause and I snuck a look at Lucah, but his face was blank. I shouldn’t have been so weird about Violet. Now he was probably afraid that I would take anything he did, even smiling at her, the wrong way and freak out about it.

Well that was ridiculous. I wasn’t some needy clingy girl that would do that. Except I had, when Violet had first showed up.

I turned my attention away from Violet and back on the meeting, but the next thing on the agenda was Lucah’s presentation. He stood up and moved to the laptop connecting his presentation to the projector. He was most definitely trying not to look at me. His eyes would sweep the room and skip right over me. But I was watching him.