Authors: Margaret Atwood
Now I’m in the village, walking through it, waiting for the nostalgia to hit, for the cluster of nondescript buildings to be irradiated with inner light like a plug-in crêche, as it has been so often in memory; but nothing happens. It hasn’t gotten any bigger, these days the children probably move to the city. The same two-storey frame houses with nasturtiums on the windowsills and squared roof-corners, motley lines of washing trailing from them like the tails of kites; though some of the houses are slicker and have changed colour. The white doll-house-sized church above on the rock hillside is neglected, peeling paint and a broken window, the old priest must be gone. What I mean is dead.
Down by the shore, a lot of boats are tied up at the government dock but not many cars parked: more boats than cars, a bad season. I try to decide which of the cars is my father’s but as I scan them I realize I no longer know what kind of car he would be driving.
I reach the turnoff to Paul’s, a rough dirt path rutted by tires, crossing the railroad tracks and continuing through a swamp field, logs laid side by side over the soggy parts. A few black flies catch up with me, it’s July, past the breeding time, but as usual there are some left.
The road goes up and I climb it, along the backs of the houses
Paul built for his son and his son-in-law and his other son, his clan. Paul’s is the original, yellow with maroon trim, squat farmhouse pattern; though this isn’t farming country, it’s mostly rock and where there’s any soil it’s thin and sandy. The closest Paul ever got to farming was to have a cow, killed by the milkbottle. The shed where it and the horses used to live is now a garage.
In the clearing behind the house two 1950s cars are resting, a pink one and a red one, raised on wooden blocks, no wheels; scattered around them are the rusting remains of older cars: like my father, Paul saves everything useful. The house has added a pointed structure like a church spire, made of former car parts welded together; on top of it is a
T.V.
antenna and on top of that a lightning rod.
Paul is at home, he’s in the vegetable garden at the side of the house. He straightens up to watch me, his face leathery and retained as ever, like a closed suitcase; I don’t think he knows who I am.
“Bonjour monsieur,” I say when I’m at the fence. He takes a step towards me, still guarding, and I say “Don’t you remember me,” and smile. Again the strangling feeling, paralysis of the throat; but Paul speaks English, he’s been outside. “It was very kind of you to write.”
“Ah,” he says, not recognizing me but deducing who I must be, “Bonjour,” and then he smiles too. He clasps his hands in front of him like a priest or a porcelain mandarin; he doesn’t say anything else. We stand there on either side of the fence, our faces petrified in well-intentioned curves, mouths wreathed in parentheses, until I say “Has he come back yet?”
At this his chin plummets, his head teeters on his neck. “Ah. No.” He gazes sideways, accusingly, down at a potato plant near his left foot. Then his head jerks up again and he says gaily, “Not yet, ay? But maybe soon. Your fadder, he knows the bush.”
Madame has appeared in the kitchen doorway and Paul speaks with her in the nasal slanted French I can’t interpret because I learned all but a few early words of mine in school. Folk songs and
Christmas carols and, from the later grades, memorized passages of Racine and Baudelaire are no help to me here.
“You must come in,” he says to me, “and take a tea,” and he bends and undoes the hook of the wooden gate. I go forward to the door where Madame is waiting for me, hands outstretched in welcome, smiling and shaking her head mournfully as though through no fault of my own I’m doomed.
Madame makes the tea on a new electric stove, a blue ceramic Madonna with pink child hanging above it; when I glimpsed the stove on my way through the kitchen I felt betrayed, she should have remained loyal to her wood range. We sit on the screened porch overlooking the lake, balancing our teacups and rocking side by side in three rocking chairs; I’ve been given the store cushion, which has an embroidered view of Niagara Falls. The black and white collie, either the identical one I used to be afraid of or its offshoot, lies on the braided rug by our feet.
Madame, who is the same thickness all the way down, is in a long-skirted dress and black stockings and a print apron with a bib, Paul in high-waisted trousers with braces, flannel shirt-sleeves rolled. I’m annoyed with them for looking so much like carvings, the habitant kind they sell in tourist handicraft shops; but of course it’s the other way around, it’s the carvings that look like them. I wonder what they think I look like, they may find my jeans and sweatshirt and fringed over-the-shoulder bag strange, perhaps immoral, though such things may be more common in the village since the tourists and the
T.V.
; besides, I can be forgiven because my family was, by reputation, peculiar as well as
anglais.
I lift my cup, they are watching me anxiously: it’s imperative that I mention the tea. “Très bon,” I manage to get out in the direction of Madame. “Délicieux.” Doubt seizes me,
thé
may be feminine.
What I’m remembering are the visits our mother was obliged to
pay Madame while our father was visiting Paul. My father and Paul would be outside, talking about boats or motors or forest fires or one of their expeditions, and my mother and Madame would be inside in the rocking chairs (my mother with the Niagara Falls cushion), trying with great goodwill to make conversation. Neither knew more than five words of the other’s language and after the opening Bonjours both would unconsciously raise their voices as though talking to a deaf person.
“Il fait beau,” my mother would shout, no matter what the weather was like, and Madame would grin with strain and say “Pardon? Ah, il fait
beau
, oui, il fait beau, ban oui.” When she had ground to a stop both would think desperately, chairs rocking.
“ ’Ow are
you?”
Madame would scream, and my mother, after deciphering this, would say
“Fine
, I am fine.” Then she would repeat the question: “How are you, Madame?” But Madame would not have the answer and both, still smiling, would glance furtively out through the screen to see if the men were yet coming to rescue them.
Meanwhile my father would be giving Paul the cabbages or the string beans he had brought from his garden and Paul would be replying with tomatoes or lettuces from his. Since their gardens had the same things in them this exchange of vegetables was purely ritual: after it had taken place we would know the visit would be officially over.
Madame is stirring her tea now and sighing. She says something to Paul and Paul says, “Your mother, she was a good woman, Madame says it is very sad; so young too.”
“Yes,” I say. Mother and Madame were about the same age and no-one would call Madame young; but then my mother never got fat like Madame.
I went to see her in the hospital, where she allowed herself to be taken only when she could no longer walk; one of the doctors told
me that. She must have concealed the pain for weeks, tricked my father into believing it was only one of her usual headaches, that would be her kind of lie. She hated hospitals and doctors; she must have been afraid they would experiment on her, keep her alive as long as they could with tubes and needles even though it was what they call terminal, in the head it always is; and in fact that’s what they did.
They had her on morphine, she said there were webs floating in the air in front of her. She was very thin, much older than I’d ever thought possible, skin tight over her curved beak nose, hands on the sheet curled like bird claws clinging to a perch. She peered at me with bright blank eyes. She may not have known who I was: she didn’t ask me why I left or where I’d been, though she might not have asked anyway, feeling as she always had that personal questions were rude.
“I’m not going to your funeral,” I said. I had to lean close to her, the hearing in one of her ears was gone. I wanted her to understand in advance, and approve.
“I never enjoyed them,” she said to me, one word at a time. “You have to wear a hat. I don’t like liquor.” She must have been talking about Church or cocktail parties. She lifted her hand, slowly as if through water, and felt the top of her head; there was a tuft of white hair standing straight up. “I didn’t get the bulbs in. Is there snow outside?”
On the bedside table with the flowers, chrysanthemums, I saw her diary; she kept one every year. All she put in it was a record of the weather and the work done on that day: no reflections, no emotions. She would refer to it when she wanted to compare the years, decide whether the spring had been late or early, whether it had been a wet summer. It made me angry to see it in that windowless room where it was no use; I waited till her eyes were closed and slipped it into my shoulder bag. When I got outside I leafed through
it, I thought there might be something about me, but except for the dates the pages were blank, she had given up months ago.
“Do what you think best,” she said from behind her closed eyes. “Is there snow?”
We rock some more. I want to ask Paul about my father but he ought to begin, he must have news to tell me. Maybe he’s avoiding it; or maybe he’s being tactful, waiting until I’m ready. Finally I say “What happened to him?”
Paul shrugs. “He is just gone,” he says. “I go there one day to see him, the door is open, the boats is there, I think maybe he is off somewheres near and I wait awhile. Next day I go back, everything the same, I begin to worry, where he is, I don’t know. So I write to you, he has leaved your
caisse postale
and the keys, I lock up the place. His car she is here, with me.” He gestures towards the back, the garage. My father trusted Paul, he said Paul could build anything and fix anything. They were once caught in a three-week rainstorm, my father said if you could spend three weeks in a wet tent with a man without killing him or having him kill you then he was a good man. Paul justified for him his own ideal of the simple life; but for Paul the anachronism was imposed, he’d never chosen it.
“Did you look on the island?” I say. “If the boats are there he can’t have gone off the island.”
“I look, sure,” Paul says, “I tell the police from down-the-road, they look around, nobody find nothing. Your husband here too?” he asks irrelevantly.
“Yes, he’s here,” I say, skipping over the lie even in my own mind. What he means is that a man should be handling this; Joe will do as a stand-in. My status is a problem, they obviously think I’m married. But I’m safe, I’m wearing my ring, I never threw it out, it’s useful for landladies. I sent my parents a postcard after the wedding, they must have mentioned it to Paul; that, but not the divorce. It isn’t part of the vocabulary here, there’s no reason to upset them.
I’m waiting for Madame to ask about the baby, I’m prepared, alerted, I’ll tell her I left him in the city; that would be perfectly true, only it was a different city, he’s better off with my husband, former husband.
But Madame doesn’t mention it, she lifts another cube of sugar from the tray by her side and he intrudes, across from me, a coffee shop, not city but roadside, on the way to or from somewhere, some goal or encounter. He peels the advertisement paper from the sugar and lets one square fall into the cup, I’m talking and his mouth turns indulgent, it must have been before the child. He smiles and I smile too, thinking of the slice of cucumber pickle that was stuck to the top of his club sandwich. A round historical plaque, on a supermarket wall or in a parking lot, marking the site where a building once stood in which an event of little importance once took place, ridiculous. He puts his hand on mine, he tries that a lot but he’s easy to get rid of, easier and easier. I don’t have time for him, I switch problems.
I sip at my tea and rock, by my feet the dog stirs, the lake below flutters in the wind which is beginning. My father has simply disappeared then, vanished into nothing. When I got Paul’s letter – “Your father is gone, nobody cant find him” – it seemed incredible, but it appears to be true.
There used to be a barometer on the porch wall, a wooden house with two doors and a man and a woman who lived inside. When it was going to be fair the woman in her long skirt and apron would emerge from her door, when it was going to rain she would go in and the man would come out, carrying an axe. When it was first explained to me I thought they controlled the weather instead of merely responding to it. My eyes seek the house now, I need a prediction, but it’s not there.
“I think I’ll go down the lake,” I say.
Paul raises his hands, palms outward. “We look two, three times already.”
But they must have missed something, I feel it will be different if I look myself. Probably when we get there my father will have returned from wherever he has been, he will be sitting in the cabin waiting for us.
O
n my way back to the motel I detour to the store, the one where they’re supposed to speak English: we will need some food. I go up the wooden steps, past a drowsing mop-furred mongrel roped to the porch with a length of clothesline. The screen door has a
BLACK CAT CIGARETTES
handle; I open it and step into the store smell, the elusive sweetish odour given off by the packaged cookies and the soft drink cooler. For a brief time the post office was here, a
DEFENSE DE CRACHER SUR LE PLANCHER
sign stamped with a government coat of arms.
Behind the counter there’s a woman about my age, but with brassiere-shaped breasts and a light auburn moustache; her hair is in rollers covered by a pink net and she has on slacks and a sleeveless jersey top. The old priest is definitely gone, he disapproved of slacks, the women had to wear long concealing skirts and dark stockings and keep their arms covered in church. Shorts were against the law, and many of them lived all their lives beside the lake without learning to swim because they were ashamed to put on bathing suits.
The woman looks at me, inquisitive but not smiling, and the two men still in Elvis Presley haircuts, duck’s ass at the back and greased pompadours curving out over their foreheads, stop talking and look at me too; they keep their elbows on the counter. I hesitate: maybe the tradition has changed, maybe they no longer speak English.