Sudden Desire (5 page)

Tomorrow she’d leave and be out of his life forever. The knowledge sliced through
her and she closed her eyes against it. “Okay, our last gasp before we go back to our real
lives.”

“That sounds so final.”

She got up. “Let’s get changed then.”

They walked hand in hand down the path that led from the cabin to the main lodge.
He loved the normalcy of that intimacy. He’d never experienced such depth of
connection with anyone before. Tess never took, she only gave.

At the restaurant, once seated and order taken, he turned back to her and grabbed her hand. “Tess, you didn’t answer me. Your comment back there sounded so final.”

“Trev, I can’t work for you. You have to know that.”

“Why not? Why would I know such a dumb thing? Of course you can work for me!”

“Because I can’t...” she paused, taking a deep breath. She wasn’t one for subterfuge
and after the next morning, she’d never see him again anyway. “I can’t go back to the
way it was. Not after the last days.”

“I told you, I’ll be better. I see you now, Tess. I appreciate you. I need you. I won’t
take you for granted, I swear.”

“Trevor, is this a relationship or a job you’re offering me?”

He let go of her hand and sat back in his chair and the hand in her lap fisted, nails digging into her palm to keep from begging. “I love you, Trevor. I didn’t mean to. Hell, I
don’t even want to. But I do. And you want me to go back to buying you condoms in the
middle of the night. I can’t.”

“There won’t be any of that. I’ll buy condoms for us.”

“You want me to work for you and you can fuck me but you don’t want a
relationship? So what would that be? I’m confused as to what that makes me to you.”

“You’re a friend. A good friend. I need you, Tess.”

“For what? Are you going to take me to the openings and gala parties instead of
Patrice and her ilk?” She really needed to shut up, this conversation would only end in
pain. Hers. But out of some perverse impulse, she couldn’t stop the words.

“The studios like me to be seen out and about with the actresses I work with. It
wouldn’t mean anything.” And even to him it sounded pathetic.

When their food came she picked at it, looking miserable. “So I’d handle your
schedule, buy your presents, order your suits, be available when you’re done with your
glamorous public life for a solid fucking? That’s your definition of good friend?”

“You make it sound dirty! Why are you doing that? You know it wouldn’t be that
way.” His heart pounded in his chest, a cold sweat ran down his spine at the very
thought of her not being in his life every day.

“It would make me
feel
dirty, Trev. Does how I feel matter at all to you? I told you I loved you and you offer to be my friend.” She snorted. “Look, let’s just have this short
summer vacation fling, okay? Tomorrow we’ll go back to L.A. and you’ll go your way and I’ll go mine. Your new PA will learn what you mean by your blue suit in a while.
And after a time the ache will ease and I’ll be able to see your face on the screen again
and smile.”

“Tess, can’t we just try? You’re special to me. The way you make me feel is special.

What do you want? Marriage? It’s been only been a few days.”

Flinching, she stood up and put her napkin down. “It’s been two years for me. If you
’ll excuse me, I need to pack.” He started to get up but she put her hand on his shoulder.
“I need to be alone for a while. Please.”

Sighing, he nodded. “I’ll have them box your food up and be back in half an hour.”

“Okay.” Turning, she left the restaurant, head held high. Until she got outside and
the first sob tore through her gut. She ran back to the cabin and packed up as quickly as
she could. She couldn’t stay there another night, sleeping in the curve of his body. She
knew that her resolve wouldn’t be nearly as strong waking up warm and naked against him. He wasn’t hers and he had no intention of being so.

She wrote him a quick note and put one of his shirts to her face for a long moment.
Then she left. Tossing her bag into the backseat, she started the car and drove away from
the best four days she’d ever spent in her life.

Chapter Four

Trevor got back to L.A., relieved the limo was waiting outside baggage claim to take him home because he hadn’t slept and was basically in a daze.

He’d gotten back to the cabin and seen that her car wasn’t out front and panic had
shot through him. Inside, on the bed, was her note.

Trevor, I wanted another night but I can’t face leaving you tomorrow morning. I can’t pretend
that it’s okay that I won’t ever see you again. I can’t pretend that I don’t love you and I can’t beg. I
can’t be what you want and you can’t be what I want so let’s have Lake Cushman and popsicles be
one of those memories that summers are made of.

Please be well and make sure your new PA knows you need healthy lunches.
Love,

Tess

He’d stared at the note, a roaring in his ears. She’d left without saying goodbye?
Damn it, how could she?

He’d shown up at SeaTac early, storming to her gate only to wait in vain as her
plane left without her on it.

His house felt empty when he walked into it that afternoon. Shaking his head, he
looked out over the pool to the small pool house that he’d had converted to an office.
The place where Tess would arrive at nine every morning and stay until seven every
night.

Not able to face seeing that place without her in it, he called down there to let his
new PA know he was back. And he thanked her for sending the limousine for him. He
made mistakes before, the least he could do was remember to thank his damned
assistant.

* * * * *

Trevor had already planned to be gone for six weeks to shoot a movie in Toronto
right after his return from the lake. Gratefully, it kept him from driving past Tess’ house

every day.

Damn it, he missed her. Not the way she kept his life in order, but her. The sound of her voice, the way she laughed. He had no one to share things with the way he’d done
with her. Those days at the lake became more than a fond memory, they became a touchstone.

While on the shoot, his very attractive costar had sent him all the right signals and
he’d even tried to work up an interest but he couldn’t. He saw Tess’ simple smile
instead. Tasted her skin on his lips. She was burned into him like a brand.

He’d always thought he had enough money to have everything. Working damned
hard, he got past a childhood of privation to an adulthood where his every fantasy was
within reach. But the realization came to him with terribly clarity that Tess Marshall was
a very fine thing and someone utterly priceless to him. She was it. The one true thing. A
woman who knew him and loved him anyway. Knew his flaws up close and personal and accepted them. He was too old and she was too special for him to miss out on
having her as his woman because of stupid expectations of other people.

At the end of the shoot he got on a plane and headed straight for Westwood.

* * * * *

Tess had returned home from Lake Cushman and waited. She was sure Trevor
would show up at her door within a few days but he hadn’t. She told herself it was for
the best and it was, but it still hurt.

Two months had passed and the summer faded into the fall, although in L.A. there
wasn’t much difference. Still, Tess felt further and further away from those idyllic days beside the lake.

She didn’t take a full-time PA job again. Instead she joined an event planning firm part-time and enrolled in school. She’d meant to finish college but it remained one of
those things on her to do list until then.

Thankfully, she had enough connections from working with Trevor that she was
able to find a spot at UCLA and began to attend classes. Her house was paid for, her
expenses other than school were small and she began to settle into a life totally different
than what she’d had before and she discovered she loved economics. Who knew?

So she’d pulled back into her driveway in her traded-down car—no use having a
Lexus to go to college in—and saw his Porsche sitting there. Her heart leapt. But she
steeled herself. She’d learned that she could live with her new life. Yes, she still loved him but she could live without him if she tried. Didn’t mean it was easy, she missed him
like crazy. But she couldn’t live without her self-respect.

Taking a deep breath, she grabbed her backpack and got out, walking to the porch
where he sat.

Damn he looked good. Better than she remembered. He had a bit of a beard and his
hair was too long, but he looked warm and handsome and oh god how she loved him.

“Hi.”

He stood. “Hi. Can I come in?” He motioned toward the door.

Swallowing hard, she nodded. “Sure.” After she unlocked the door, he followed her
inside. Kicking off her shoes, she tossed the backpack on the table and turned to find

him only inches away.

“You look good,” he murmured, stepping closer.

Her heart shot into her throat at his nearness. “You look tired. Handsome, but tired.
You just finish a shoot?”

Smiling softly, he reached out to cup her cheek. “You know me so well. I just got
back two hours ago. Dropped my stuff at home and came straight here. I’ve asked
around, who are you working for? No one will admit to poaching the best PA ever.”

“I went back to school. I think I’m going to get my degree in economics. I may do an
MBA. In the meantime, I’m working a few nights a week and weekends for an event
planning company. It pays my bills.”

“I really have to kiss you, Tess.”

She gulped and tried to step back but the table was to her right and the wall directly
behind her. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Trev.” Yeah, could she be less
convincing?

“Why is that? Are you seeing someone else? Have your feelings for me changed?”
He stepped forward again so that his body was now flush with hers, his arms braced on
the wall to either side of her head.

“I... uh, no. No to both questions. But that doesn’t change the situation, Trevor.”

“The situation
is
changed, Tess. The life I live without you in it is a shadow. It’s pale
and watery. And lonely. But the life with you in it? It’s vivid and beautiful and living
and breathing and damn it, I love you. I want you to be with me.”

Hope, a tiny ember of it, sparked within her. Okay, there were other things sparking
to life too, but hope was more important than lust.

“Your silence is freaking me out, Tess.”

“I love you, too, Trevor. But,” she put out a hand to stop him from swooping in for a
kiss, “what are you offering? Because I haven’t changed my mind about not wanting to
be some kind of dirty, back-office secret. I can’t watch you on the red carpet with other
women. I want to be in your life, openly.”

“I want you there, too. I want you to marry me. I’ve called the Lake Cushman Lodge,
they do weddings there, did you know that?”

For the life of her, Tess could not find words so she shook her head.

“No? No you won’t marry me?” He looked so crestfallen that she quickly kissed
him, holding his face in her hands.

“Are you sure you want to marry me? Because I’m old-fashioned, Trevor. Having a
clit piercing does not mean I don’t expect you to be faithful.”

He threw back his head and laughed. “Of course. And babe, I plan to have you keep
me far too busy to stray. Even if I wanted to, which I don’t. You’re it.”

“Then why did you wait so long?”

The hurt in her eyes tore at him. “I’m sorry. I left for the shoot a few days after returning from the lake. I wanted to come get you every day since I found the cabin
empty. I was hurt when you left but I understand why you did. I couldn’t have offered
you forever then. I loved you that last night but I was afraid to say it. Afraid to let myself
be known enough to love you. So I needed to work it through, be absolutely sure,
because you deserve utter devotion and certainty. Every moment of the last two months