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My snap judgment about him when we’d met at that party couldn’t have been more off base.  Even though he’s almost devastatingly handsome, he’s the absolute last guy I would ever call a D-bag. He’s probably one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.  And he deserves a nice girl in return.   I’m afraid, when I finally open up to him, he’ll realize that as well.  My shoulders slump as I force myself to shutter away those thoughts and walk towards him again.

Needing to lighten my mood, I comment, “Seems like a long time ago, doesn’t it?”

Glancing over at me, one corner of his mouth slowly slides up. “Sometimes it feels like yesterday and other days like a lifetime ago.”

Understanding the sentiment, I nod in agreement.  “Yeah.”

Suddenly his gaze slides over me with more interest.  Grinning in earnest, he shakes his head.  “You look hot, Cassidy.”

Rolling my eyes, I shake my head.  For one, I look like I weigh about two hundred pounds with the shoulder pads and cushiony pants.  Plus, with my skates, I’m about four inches taller than my normal five foot six.  I probably look more like a goon.  “Shut up.”

He chuckles before reaching for my hand, “Come on.”

I let him capture my fingers, feeling instantly better with the physical contact, as we head towards the doors that lead to the lobby again.  “Where are we going now?”  Only then does it occur to me that he hasn’t changed out of his street clothes.  “Wait a minute, you’re not skating?”

Slowing my pace, he tugs my hand, pulling me through the double doors.  “No more questions, you’re late.”

Not releasing my fingers, he tows me across the crowded lobby, weaving in between parents with their morning cups of coffee.  We continue walking clear cross to the second sheet of ice before pushing through the doors.  I stop short as my gaze lands on players racing up and down the ice.

These players are older.

And they’re girls.

Well… women actually…

Probably my age, I’m guessing.

My wide eyes slice to his.  “What is this?”  Stupid question because it’s pretty clear that this is a girls college level hockey team.  “Why did you bring me here?”  I don’t know why I’m starting to panic, but I am.  My chest feels achy, my head light.  The only thing stopping me from racing right out of this rink is Cole who still holds my hand tightly in his own.

His easy smile collapses as he quietly searches my distraught face.

Before he’s able to say another word, a girl flies across the ice before skidding to a sudden stop, spraying ice in a perfect arc.  She’s breathing hard as she unlatches the door and steps outside where Cole and I are now staring uncomfortably at one another.

Tugging off her gloves, she unbuckles her helmet before pulling it off her head.  Her long blonde hair is secured at the back of her neck in a low ponytail.  There’s something familiar about her but I’m not sure if I actually know her or not.

With her eyes on me, she holds out her hand.  “Hi, I’m Sammy.  Cole’s told me a lot about you.”

I smile but it’s forced as my eyes dart to Cole.  “Hi,” I say nervously, “I’m Cassidy.”  I don’t bother telling her that Cole has told me absolutely nothing about her.  Feeling suddenly out of place, I gesture awkwardly to the players still skating through drills out on the ice.  “What team is this?”

Her eyes flick briefly towards Cole before bouncing back to mine.  “Cole didn’t tell you?”

I shake my head.  “No.”  Nope, Cole definitely didn’t tell me anything… and at the moment I can’t decide if I’m pissed or not that he placed me in such an uncomfortable situation without giving me a heads up or choice in the matter.

“This is Westerns women’s intramural team.”  She shrugs her shoulders which look massive in her pads.  “Nothing fancy but it’s a lot of fun.  Got a good bunch of girls.  We practice three times a week.  Cole thought you might want to check it out since you used to play.”

For just a moment I don’t know what to say. My heart continues to race as I watch a couple of girls fly down the ice.  Realizing that both Cole and Sammy are waiting for a response, I clear my throat hoping that neither of them notice just how affected I am by the offer.

“Um, yeah, I’d like that.  But isn’t the team already set for the year?”

Looking unconcerned, she shrugs her shoulders.  “Nah, intramurals are pretty loose and we can always use another body out on the ice.”

Tilting her head to the side, she looks me up and down.  “Forward or defense?”

“Forward, center,” I reply with just a hint of pride in my voice.

She grins.  “Excellent.”  Then she turns to Cole, before leaning over to kiss his cheek, “Thanks, Cole.”  He meets her eyes, a real smile tilting his lips upward.  A little pang fills my heart as I watch them.

Surprised by their familiarity with one another, I watch as Sammy opens the heavy metal door again before jumping back onto the ice.  Skating off towards the team, she gathers them around her.

Looking somber, Cole nods his head towards them.  “You better get out there.”

Taking a deep breath, I glance over at the ice.  Some of the girls are staring back at me with curiosity.  “I haven’t skated with a team in a really long time.”  I can’t resist revealing my worst fears.  “What if I make a fool out of myself?”

Almost instantly his face softens.  “We just skated last week and you were great.  Hardly rusty at all.  Even taking some time off, you’re probably still better than half the girls out there.”

Biting down on my lower lip, I glance back out at the ice with a mixture of longing and fear.  “I don’t want to embarrass myself.”  It’s frightening to think about all these girls judging me and ultimately finding me lacking.  Just like the Dartmouth team had.  Once upon a time, hockey had been my thing.  The one thing I’d been good at.  And now… I don’t know anymore.

“Hey,” yanking my distracted attention back to him, Cole reaches out, grabbing my hand, “I promise, you’re going to be great.  I wouldn’t have asked Sammy to let you skate if I hadn’t thought you were ready for this.”  He squeezes my hand gently.  “Okay?”

Nervously I hoist a smile.  “Yeah.”

He jerks his head again towards the ice. “Now get out there.”

Still feeling ridiculously nervous, I nod before securing my helmet and shoving my hands into my gloves.  I meet his eyes one last time.  “Okay.”  And even though it feels a little bit like I’m walking to my death, I take a huge gulp of air as I slowly skate out onto the ice.

Fifty minutes later, sweat is pouring down my face as I race with the black rubber puck toward the goal.  I feel two defensive players nipping at my heels.  Their labored breathing fills my ears as one of them tries back checking me by knocking the puck off my stick from behind, but I’m too fast.  Adrenaline pounds through my system.  Just as I’m about ten feet from the net, I wind up before pulling my stick forward and slamming the puck toward the goal.  The puck lifts off the ice, right towards the five hole between the goalie’s legs.  It slips through just as she dives for it with her glove.

Pumping my fist into the air, I circle around the net.

I seriously can’t believe how great this feels.  And Cole had been right, this wasn’t the best group of girls I’d ever played with but it was fun.  God, it was so much fun.

Breathing hard, Sammy stops right next to me.  “Damn but you’re fast.”  She elbows me when all I do is grin back in response.  I’m breathing hard too.  “You’re going to play with us, right?”

I start laughing.  “I’d love to.”  I can’t believe just how much I want to play with them.

As I skate back to center ice, I realize that I haven’t looked for Cole since I first skated out onto the ice almost an hour ago.  Did he stay and watch me practice with the team?  I’m not nearly as good as I used to be but I kind of want him to see me in action.  But when I search the bleachers, he isn’t there.

I shouldn’t feel hurt that he didn’t stick around to share this moment with me.

But I do.

For some reason, it matters more than I want it to.

Chapter Eighteen

Over the rest of the weekend, I don’t hear a word from Cole.  By Sunday night I finally break down and shoot him a text. He answers it, but just like the car ride to the rink, the distance is palpable.  And because I’m unwilling to put myself out there, I don’t bother contacting him again.  The problem is that I have absolutely no idea what our status is.

Are we in a relationship?

Or are we just friends?

Or are we not even friends now?

I wish I knew.

I thought for sure he would be waiting outside the dorms early Monday morning for our usual run but I failed to see the text he sent late Sunday night saying that he wouldn’t be able to make it.  So I ran by myself.  Instead of it feeling easy and relaxing, it just felt lonely.

He’s pulling away.

I can feel it happening.

And even if I wanted to somehow fix what’s wrong between us… I wouldn’t know how.

When he doesn’t show for psychology later that morning, I start wondering if maybe there’s something really wrong with him. For about ten solid minutes I silently debate the merits of shooting him another text when someone in a back row makes an idiotic comment.  Turning towards the student, my gaze slides over a familiar dark head.  I feel my breath catch as I continue gaping.  It’s Cole and he’s sitting up towards the back of the amphitheater style lecture hall.  I blink realizing that Sammy is parked right next to him.  Their heads are bent together.  Feeling stunned, and yeah- hurt, I quickly turn around, not wanting either one of them to catch me staring.

After class is over, I dawdle nervously in my seat.  Slowly packing up all my stuff before finally taking a deep breath and turning towards the exit. Thankfully both he and Sammy are gone.

Tuesday night I go to my first official practice for the women’s intramural hockey team.  Since Sammy has a car, she offers to pick me up.  Even though she’s the absolute last person I want to hitch a ride with, I don’t exactly have a choice in the matter.  Not owning a car means having to bum rides.  And as much as I would dearly love to hate her, I can’t really blame her for wanting to be with him.

Cole is… amazing.

More than amazing, actually.

And I may have only spent an hour or so with Sammy, but she’s pretty and seems super athletic.  And she’s nice.  But not in a sweet, simpering, phony-baloney way.  No, it’s more like a- I’ll kick-your-ass-because-I-don’t-take-any-shit-from-anyone way.  In other words, she seems like the type of girl who just likes to keep it real. 

So, yeah, I bet Cole is totally into her.  Who wouldn’t be?

And they certainly looked all cozy sitting together in psychology yesterday.  It also explains why he didn’t bother calling or texting me over the last couple of days.  This has me gnashing my teeth together rather painfully.  Yeah, this whole jealousy thing sucks because it’s seriously eating me up from the inside out right now.

Grumbling under my breath, I throw my bag into the trunk of her old Honda Civic before quietly slipping into the front seat next to her.  With a short greeting, Sammy pulls away from the curb at break neck speed.  My eyes fly to hers in alarm as a devilish smile curves her lips upward.  All thoughts of Cole and her together fly right out of my head as I grab the handle just as she slams around a corner.

“Holy crap, are you seriously trying to kill us?”  I gasp out the question as she continues to pick up speed.  Oh my God, my life is literally flashing before my very eyes as she takes another corner.

“I like to drive offensively.”  Then she laughs, “And I like speed.”

Her eyes lock on mine.

With my heart lodged somewhere in my throat, I point to the road that is hurtling towards us at warp speed.  “Look at the road, look at the road!”  I’m starting to feel sick to my stomach.

“Jesus, Cassidy,” she shakes her head, “Calm down.  I’m a good driver.  I’ve never had a major accident.”

A major accident
?  Oh crap… 

Luckily for me, the drive to the arena is only about five miles away and the way Sammy drives means we arrive in record time.  Oblivious to the fact that I’m in the midst of a heart attack or just plain ignoring me, Sammy chats about all the girls on the team and the practice schedule and travel dates.  Because this is an intramural sport, we need to arrange our own transportation.  And even though she offers to drive me to all the games, I’m definitely going to try and hitch a ride from someone else.  Which means that I need to make friends fast.  Not exactly my forte but it’s better than enduring that ever again.

Plus I would just die if I had to ride with her and Cole to a game.

No.  Way.  In.  Hell.

Just as we slam to a halt in the rink parking lot, she starts firing questions at me about my own hockey background.  Almost instantly I freeze up.  As we walk into the arena and change into our hockey gear, I tell her about playing since I was five all the way up through high school and then I gloss over my college experience which actually means I don’t tell her about it at all. Seemingly satisfied, we start warm ups by circling around the ice.

The ninety minute practice slips by in the blink of an eye.  And just like last time, it feels so good to lose myself in the drills and scrimmage.  I pour all my heartache, uncertainty, and anger at myself out onto the ice.