Status Update (#gaymers) (8 page)

“It’s okay. I get it. How about we start that movie now?” Adrian’s voice was flat, none of the eager inflection Noah had come to enjoy. Adrian had a way of making even small talk seem exhilarating, but his tone now was positively funereal.

Noah nodded, but his movements felt wooden, hampered by this deep sense of loss—more than the moment, more than the quiet intimacy of the conversation, more than Adrian’s trust even. He’d lost something in the past few seconds, something he didn’t even have a name for, but he instinctively wanted it back.

* * *

Adrian tried to shift his legs, but couldn’t do it without waking Noah. Noah had fallen asleep during the first thirty minutes of the movie. Because of course he did. All those hours of work and the emotionally taxing talk, and he’d apparently run out of gas somewhere around when Alex Rogan got beamed up by the aliens, leaving Adrian to wrestle with his thoughts.

He knew Noah didn’t think so, but they were actually very similar—they’d both sacrificed a lot for their professional lives. And they were both lonely. Only difference was that Adrian had the balls to admit his unhappiness and the guts to try to change the status quo. And yeah, Trent had been a terrible mistake, but at least he’d been out there, taking risks.

Noah had wrapped up his youth, said goodbye to his twenties, and crested the hill of his thirties, all while keeping the best parts of himself locked up tight. The worst thing was that Noah could make someone a wonderful partner—not just a boyfriend or a date. But a partner. Noah was deep and loyal, like some slow-moving turtle that mated for life. Sure, it would take him a long time to get to happily-ever-after, but man, the journey would be worth it. And maybe he wasn’t a wild monkey-sex kind of guy, wouldn’t ever be, but what would it be like to be with someone who genuinely believed in making love as a spiritual union?

And okay, thinking about sex while Noah was slumped against him was probably not the best idea. But Adrian hadn’t exactly been teasing when he’d volunteered to rid Noah of his virginity. It shouldn’t be such a massive turn-on either, the idea of being someone’s first, the idea of being the one to show Noah the banquet of sensual delights after a lifetime of fasting.

Noah shifted against him, tossing one arm across Adrian’s torso. Adrian took a risk and wrapped an arm around Noah, letting him move around until he was nice and cozy, legs tangled with Adrian’s, head on Adrian’s shoulder. The dogs had returned to the foot of the bed, and Adrian lowered the volume on the movie, until the world shrank to only him holding Noah, snow still falling outside the camper. This. This was what was missing from his life.

No hopeless crushes
,
remember?

But was it really hopeless? He sifted his fingers through Noah’s silky hair. There was so much longing in Noah’s words and actions. There was a certain desperation in the way he cuddled Adrian, even in his sleep, and it made Adrian’s ribs draw tight around his heart.

“Mmm. Dre? You still here?” Noah nuzzled against Adrian’s neck. Adrian liked the sleepy nickname almost as much as he liked the feel of Noah’s beard on his neck.

“Yeah, buddy, I’m still here. Movie’s just about done. You go ahead and sleep.”
Stay like this forever.
I
don’t mind.

“Oh no. I missed it,” Noah mumbled. “I sleep?”

“Yeah. You slept. I think you’re still asleep right now. Go on now. Close your eyes.” And then he did the only thing that seemed sensible at that moment—he dropped a kiss on the top of Noah’s head.

But instead of sending Noah back to dreamland, his muscles went rigid and he seemed to realize where he was. Their eyes met. Noah’s wide, startled eyes made Adrian swallow hard. He knew all his fears, every ounce of the tenderness he felt, were on display in his own eyes. He couldn’t seem to help it—Noah made him
care
in a way no one else had ever. Maybe it was that Noah needed him that much. Noah deserved a life full of sweet moments.

Sweet memories.

Although his muscles were tense enough to bounce quarters off of, Noah hadn’t rolled away. He kept holding Adrian’s gaze.

“
Are we cuddling?
” His eyes seemed to ask.

“
Yup
,” Adrian sent the message back. “
We are.
And you were enjoying it.
A
lot.
”

“
We shouldn’t be doing this.
” Noah’s eyes flashed a warning and his arm fell away from Adrian’s chest, but otherwise he didn’t move or make a sound.

“
I
want you.
” Adrian sent another eye-message, this one closer to an eye-caress. He let Noah feel his want, let him see the desire that had built up over the past hour. Over the past two days really.

Miraculously, Noah didn’t flinch away.

Slowly, so slowly, so as to not break the moment, Adrian stroked Noah’s jaw. His face was mere inches above Noah’s now.

“
I’m going to kiss you
,” he told Noah with his eyes and with his caressing fingers and with the firmness of his arm around Noah.

Still no flinching.

It was possible that Noah was still half-asleep. Equally possible that he couldn’t read Adrian’s intent. But the better bet was that he wanted this too, wanted Adrian every bit as much as Adrian wanted him.

Bending his head, Adrian ghosted his lips across Noah’s. And waited.

Chapter Eight

Noah had been kissed before. He’d kissed Sarah enough to steam up the windows of his Focus, enough to make him wonder why his body wasn’t responding, enough to make her pant against his neck, her hands seeking more than he was capable of giving. He’d kissed sloppy and he’d kissed sweet. And he’d never, ever known anything like Adrian’s little whisper of a kiss.

Adrian’s lips hovered above his, warm breath tickling Noah’s beard. It wasn’t even a kiss as much an invitation.

Noah’s brain was foggy with sleep, his limbs warm and heavy from being wrapped around Adrian.
Wrapped around Adrian?
Oh crap. He came more awake, more aware of the predicament he was in—Adrian’s arm was around him, holding him close, and at some point he’d tossed a leg over Adrian. He should feel mortified—he’d essentially used Adrian as nothing more than a big body pillow.

But he wasn’t mortified. He felt...right
.
Everything about this moment seemed perfect. Predestined almost. And Noah was nothing if not a sucker for destiny—he’d sold himself on God’s will with college, with Sarah, with Ulysses, with Landview, and now fate had thrown Adrian right in his path. And what was he supposed to do if not accept the invitation?

He parted his lips, tongue sweeping along Adrian’s bottom lip in a move he remembered Sarah doing dozens of time. Adrian made a low, feral noise. That was new.

As was the way Adrian devoured him. Adrian’s lips crashed down on him, erasing every single thing Noah thought he knew about kissing in less than five seconds. Adrian’s lips were a firm, commanding presence against his own. Adrian kissed like he was in charge. Like he expected to be the one in charge. And something inside Noah opened up and said yes
.
Yes, in a way he’d never been able to before. Yes, with a thousand small exhales. Yes, with his lips parting, welcoming Adrian’s tongue, welcoming Adrian taking over his mouth, taking over his person.

Letting Adrian take charge was possibly the most terrifying and wonderful thing he had ever done. Each moment brought with it new rewards—the rasp of Adrian’s stubble against his cheek, the way Adrian’s lips were soft yet demanding, the way Adrian’s hand tightened against his back. Adrian rolled, pressing Noah into the mattress. Oh yes. Everything about Adrian was hard and masculine and made Noah’s senses sing. Emotion bubbled up in his chest and his eyes felt tight and hot.

This. This was what he’d missed out on. He’d always had a vague notion that kissing a man might be a little different, a little more pleasurable, but he’d told himself it would be a difference of degrees and that he wasn’t really skipping out on much. Maybe he simply wasn’t a person with a high sex drive—pleasant was about as much as he could hope for, regardless of gender.
Ha.
Five minutes of kissing blew past all those assumptions. It was like going from playing an old Atari game to the all-encompassing realism of a game like
Space Villager.

A moan vibrated between them and it took Noah a second to realize that it came from him. Adrian broke away, breathing hard as he looked down at Noah with soft, glassy eyes.

“You want more or should that be good-night?”

What?
I’m supposed to choose?
No, no, no. Adrian was in charge. Adrian needed to keep going on whatever path they’d been on a second ago. Choice was bad. Choice meant coming out of this awesome fog and having to think
.

“That was a good-night kiss?”

“It could be.” Adrian’s tone was noncommittal, but his body was still hard and tense against Noah’s. “But it has to be up to you.”

“Why?” Noah rolled away. The moment was racing away, leaving behind a lot of questions and uncertainty.

“Why?” Adrian touched his shoulder, rubbing softly. “Because I kind of jumped you there, and as much as I’d love to keep going, I need to make sure you’re on board with that.”

“Why kiss me at all?” Noah sat up, shrugging off Adrian’s touch.

“Uh, because you were sleepy and sexy and smelled incredibly good and you looked like you wanted to be kissed and...this part isn’t really that well-done of me, but I just really wanted to be your first gay kiss.”

“Like a bonus score in a game?” A bitter taste filled Noah’s mouth.

“No. Like a memory. I wanted to be the memory of your first kiss and I wanted to make it incredible for you and...never mind. I didn’t mean to push you further than you wanted to go, and that’s why I stopped. I’d love to make some more memories with you, but I don’t want to be the sort you regret.”

Regret was already swamping Noah because now he had to spend the rest of his life knowing that kissing was not overrated and that it could be a transcendental event. He wasn’t sure his body could handle any more “memories” with Adrian.

“I think we should probably say good-night,” Noah said stiffly.

“Okay.” Adrian stood, leaning over him and brushing his lips with another little whisper kiss, this one sad and wistful. “Thank you.”

He whistled for Pixel, then strolled out to the living area, leaving Noah to contemplate exactly what Adrian was thankful for.
Thankful for turning my life upside down?
Thankful for stealing a kiss—and my sanity?
Or thankful because the kiss had been that awe inspiring for him too?
That last one was less of a possibility—Adrian had probably kissed dozens of guys and for all Noah knew, all gay kissing felt so good and magical.

Pushing unanswerable questions from his brain, he tried to focus on sleep. It wouldn’t come. His bed felt too big. Too cold. Too drafty. Outside the wind howled, a low, lonely sound as the snow built up in drifts. He got up. Checked the pipes. Checked the hookups. Got back in bed. Still wide awake. His body felt imprinted with the memory of what it had been like to sleep in Adrian’s arms, and no matter which way he tossed or turned, he couldn’t get back to that peaceful place.

* * *

Adrian couldn’t sleep. The kiss kept running through his head, and if he were anywhere other than Noah’s sofa, he would jerk off to try to relieve this awful tension spiraling through him. But masturbating on Noah’s furniture seemed kind of disrespectful. He could go to the bathroom but that tiny space was much too close to where Noah slept.

He flipped over the hundredth time, trying to find a way toward sleep. But he kept remembering the little sounds Noah had made, how he’d tasted like chocolate and sleep and hungry man, and how he’d all but melted in his arms. Adrian had kissed plenty of guys, but no one had ever given himself over to him like that, and the power had been incredible. Everything about it had been...magical. He could have kept kissing Noah for hours
.

And he hadn’t stopped because he needed to get off or anything like that—sure, he’d been hard and more turned on than in his entire life, but kissing Noah was its own sort of pleasure, and orgasm hadn’t felt like the destination. No, he’d stopped because he wanted to be more than the guy who overwhelmed Noah. He’d wanted to be the guy Noah chose.

“
Ugh.
” Eighty pounds of dog landed on his chest, squishing him into the side of the couch. “Dog. What are you doing?”

As an answer, Ulysses sprawled out even more, giving Adrian a whole six inches of space.

“Off. Off.” Adrian tried to banish the dog to the floor, but then Pixel decided to get in on the action and perched on his shoulder to bark. “Both of you. Knock it off.”

“What’s going on?” Noah came down the hallway, pausing in the kitchenette.

“Sorry for waking you. Your dog seems to think he’s part trash compactor and squashing me is his new occupation.”

“Wasn’t asleep. And that’s where he usually sleeps. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” God, this conversation was so stilted, Adrian almost expected it to come with bullet points.

Outside, the wind whined, a chill whipping through the camper. Noah rubbed his arms. “You cold?” he asked softly.

“What? No. I’ve got a pile of dogs—” Suddenly, it hit him what Noah might be asking. “Yes. I’m freezing. It’s way too cold out here, and I appreciate your hospitality, but this blanket’s kind of thin...” He was laying it on extra thick, but he wasn’t sure exactly how much help Noah needed here. And it was chilly, the camper’s heater nowhere sufficient enough to cope with the burden of the storm.

“You want...” Noah stopped, breathing hard. He chewed on his lip.

Adrian waited. He needed Noah to do the asking. Adrian wasn’t going to sweet-talk him into something Noah would hate him for in the morning.

“You want to let Ulysses have his bed back? You could bring your blanket in...” It was dark, so Adrian couldn’t tell what color Noah’s face was, but he had a feeling it was flaming.

“Yeah. I could.” He sat up, wrapping the blanket around his bare shoulders. Truth was, he wasn’t
that
cold. He always ran toward hot when sleeping—that was why he never wore a shirt to bed—and he was still sweltering from that earlier kiss.

Apparently giving up on finding words, Noah made a little “follow me” gesture and headed for the bedroom. Adrian didn’t need to be asked twice. He bounded after him, more eager than either of the dogs to get whatever treat Noah had in mind. The air in the hallway was chillier than he’d expected—stinging his bare feet and making his nipples pebble up. He wasn’t play acting when he yelped from the cold and dove under Noah’s covers.

“Come on. Warm me up.”

* * *

Noah stood by the side of his bed, looking down at Adrian, not sure what happened now. Adrian had left his blanket in a heap on the floor when he crawled under Noah’s covers. Noah picked it up and carefully spread it on top of the comforter.

He shivered again and it wasn’t entirely from the frosty air.

What happened now?

He hadn’t had a plan when he invited Adrian back here—all he knew was that he was cold and sleepless and restless and needing something he was pretty sure only Adrian could provide.

“It’s okay.” Adrian patted the side of the bed. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want. We can just cuddle a little and go to sleep.”

Noah lay down next to him, not touching or even looking at him. “I’m not sure I know how to cuddle,” he admitted quietly.

“You were doing a fabulous job when you were asleep earlier.” Adrian tugged him up against his side, his chest a warm wall behind him, his hands encouraging him to relax against him by stroking his sides and stomach. Adrian shifted his arms so he was cradled against his shoulder, and dropped a kiss next to his ear.

“Just like this,” Adrian whispered. “Wouldn’t it be nice to sleep like this?”

“Yes.” When he was a little kid, Noah had liked to stack all the blankets and his sleeping bag on top of him, trying to keep bad dreams at bay in a drafty old farmhouse. He’d liked falling asleep with the heavy weight on him. Even now, he loved his big heavy down comforter. But blankets had nothing on Adrian, couldn’t make him feel nearly as safe as Adrian surrounding him.

“You don’t...need...eh...more?” Noah could feel Adrian’s erection pressing against his backside, but Adrian’s breathing was even and smooth, and the way Adrian nuzzled his head wasn’t exactly insistent.

“More? This is everything
.
” Adrian’s voice was heavy with sleep. He tossed a leg over Noah’s hip, effectively pinning him in place. “How about we worry about more in the morning? I just want to hold you right now. That okay?”

That was more than okay. “Perfect,” he mumbled and let sleep claim him at last.

* * *

Noah woke up sprawled on Adrian’s chest, snow-dappled sunlight pouring into the room.

“How is it still snowing?” he asked, not lifting his head. Adrian’s warm skin under his cheek, hearing Adrian’s heart beat under his ear, feeling Adrian’s arms around him—it all felt too good.

“I don’t know, and I’m sure I’ll complain later, but this right here is pretty nice. Happy Thanksgiving.” Adrian kissed the top of his head.

“I can’t believe I didn’t wake up in the night,” Noah mused. He was used to waking up in the early dawn hours, letting Ulysses out, trying in vain to get back to sleep, giving up and puttering around the house.

“You were
out
. I took the dogs out a while ago and you didn’t even stir. I couldn’t resist getting back in bed and cuddling you some more.”

“Mmm.” Noah had never thought of himself as someone who needed or even wanted cuddling. But snuggling with Adrian was rapidly changing his mind. He could get addicted to this.

Danger.
Danger
,
Will Robinson!

He tried to roll away, but Adrian pinned him to the bed in a smooth move.

“I’m not done yet. Pretty sure my feet are still frozen from your dog taking his sweet time.” He ran a not-so-cold bare foot up Adrian’s leg, tugging his flannel pajama pants up his calf. His breath smelled minty and Noah was suddenly acutely aware that this was his first time waking up with another person, and all sorts of awkward questions about his personal hygiene flooded his brain.

As if sensing the direction of his thoughts, Adrian kissed his cheek. “Stop overthinking. Did you sleep good last night?”

“Yeah.”

“And are you enjoying this right now?”

“Yes.” He turned his head so Adrian could nuzzle his neck.

“Then that’s all that matters. Tell your brain to take a little break. You’ll get back to it later.” Adrian rocked against him, waking up more than his brain. Adrian was hard against his hip and his teasing seemed more...purposeful than last night’s sleepy cuddles.

“Mmm.” Noah couldn’t keep his sigh of pleasure in.

“You want that ‘more’ now?” Adrian licked the tendons of Noah’s neck.

Why did Adrian seem so darn intent on making him articulate his wants? All this stuff was so much easier when Adrian led and he tripped along after. Noah made a vague noise as a response.

“Nope. Not good enough.” Adrian nipped at his beard. “No regrets, right? I need you to not leave me in a snowbank later. You can send your brain back offline in a second, but just tell me what you’re comfortable with right now. This good?” He rubbed up against Noah’s side. Noah had read enough explicit stories that he had a feeling what Adrian was aiming for.