Starblood (The Starblood Trilogy) (29 page)

‘I don’t want to think about it. Make it go away,’ she says.

Her eyes are huge. Her teeth have bitten into her lower lip and blood and spit drip from her mouth.

‘You have to face what happened. It wasn’t your fault. It was mine,’ he says.

He strokes her hair as she rocks herself backwards and forwards, like a pendulum, gaining momentum with each swing.

‘You frighten me more than
she
ever did,’ Star says.

‘That’s because I’m letting you have space to feel and think, to heal,’ he answers.

‘I don’t want to feel. I want to forget. Lilith made me forget.’

‘Do you want me to be like Lilith?’ he asks her. ‘To fuck you and send those nasty memories away?’

‘Fuck you!’ she screams into his face.

She tries to pull away but the cave is small and there is no room in which to move.

‘I’m just trying to help,’ he says.

‘You’re not. You’re punishing me. You should know what I need. Not confuse me by asking questions.’

‘It’s your body and your emotions, Sarah,’ he says. ‘I wouldn’t wish to presume. Not again.’

She slaps his face then punches him. He holds his nose. Blood falls through his fingers and splashes on the floor between them. She stares at him then punches him again and again, hitting his chest, shoulders and face with a flurry of blows. When she is finished she holds her head in her hands and starts rocking again. Moments later his arm is back around her shoulders.

‘Fuck me,’ she tells him. ‘Make the pain go away.’

‘It’ll come back,’ he says to her.

His body seems to melt as she stares at him through a storm of tears.

‘I don’t care,’ she says. ‘I don’t want to feel it now.’

Chapter 42

He has no idea whether making love to Star, in this cold cave will help or hurt her. He hesitates to touch her, but her face is full of longing. Whether longing for him or oblivion he does not know and as he studies her face he feels his body respond to her ache in spite of his doubts.
What harm can it do
?

He reaches out to touch her cheek. Her tears make his fingers slip and slide against her skin. He kisses her lips. They feel warm and slightly rough. He licks them. She opens her mouth, but he doesn’t push his tongue inside. He hovers around the edges. Kissing her softly, swallowing her exhaled breath.

She grabs for his jeans.

‘Slow down, love,’ he says.

She bites his lip. Shock and pain jolt him away. He stares at her. Eyes glazed, she smiles. He touches her hair. It is so knotted he cannot run his fingers through the strands. Instead he strokes her crown like she’s an aggressive kitten he’s trying to calm.

She pushes him against the rocks and kisses him, her tongue deep inside his mouth. He holds her shoulders, trying to get enough room to move, but she is determined to pin him there. Not wanting to push back too hard and risk hurting her, he surrenders to her kiss.

She reaches for his jeans again. His mouth is full of her, and his protests are ignored. She breaks for air and he holds her; pinning her arms to her sides and squeezing her in a cuddle. She flaps her hands around, but cannot push him away. He looks at her through his one good eye.

‘Please,’ he says. ‘Let me do this.’

When he loosens his grip, she stays still. He puts a few more branches on the fire, takes his coat and puts it beneath her, then lays her down upon the satin lining. Her eyes are tightly shut. She does not move or speak. When he kisses her mouth again she is unresponsive. He kisses her eyelids and her throat. Her shallow pants encourage him. When his lips return to hers she opens her mouth. He explores it with his tongue and the back of her neck with his fingers, tracing every curve with sensual slowness.

She lifts her head towards his and clings to the back of his neck. Her tongue pushes past his and fills his mouth. She sucks on his tongue as if trying to rip it from him. When one of her hands strays downwards, stroking his chest and stomach as it descends, he luxuriates in the feeling. He doesn’t try to fight her or slow her down again.

She makes short work of his button and zip and slips her hand inside the denim. He shivers at the light touch of her fingertips as she traces the shape of him through his cotton underwear. Then, as she changes to firmer rubs with the palm of her hand, he swells beneath her touch. It excites him, this absolute power she has over his body. He is in the thrall of her sexuality. Whatever she wants him to do, he will do gladly. Just to be here with her again, nothing else matters.

Their love-making is more furious than he intended and the bliss ends too suddenly for both of them. Silence shrouds them as they dress. The mist has lifted. After Satori extinguishes the fire, they move on from the cave with no sense of direction, except away from where they were.

He carries his bag and her luggage. She leans on him when the ground becomes difficult to negotiate. Their movements are slow, almost purposeless. Their feet feel heavy and the ground is soft. It drags them down, not wanting them to leave the mountains.

‘Where are we going?’ she asks.

He shakes his head. ‘I never thought this far ahead. We could go to Paul’s and hide there.’

‘I hate Paul,’ she says.

‘He’s dead. Lilith killed him, but his house could be a sanctuary for you.’

‘I can’t go back. People will recognise me.’

‘Trust me. I can make you look different. No one will recognise you.’

She shrugs. ‘Wherever we go I’m trapped, aren’t I? If you want to go back we’ll go.’

‘Or I could get a job here,’ he offers. ‘Would you prefer that?’

She sinks to the ground. ‘Here looks good to me. Let the frost take us, or the devil. I don’t want to walk any further.’

He puts the luggage to one side and sits next to her. The dampness of the ground rises through his clothes. She must be freezing. He squats next to her instead and takes her hands in his.

‘We have to keep moving,’ he tells her.

‘We don’t even know what we’re moving towards,’ she says, laughing.

Yet again, the laughter takes hold of her. She pushes her nails deep into the skin of her stomach, struggling to breathe over the dangerous stabbing chokes of hysteria. Falling to one side, she rubs her face in the earth, laughing. Satori opens her luggage and stuffs as many of her clothes as possible into his satchel then slings it across his body. He bends down and lifts her up. Stumbling and tripping through the forest, he tries to find his way back to the cave or shelter before nightfall. Tears blur his vision. Star still chokes on her laughter and although the noise is softer now it is just as worrying to hear.

By the time they get back to the cave it is too dark to find firewood. What little Satori had already collected quickly burns, and they huddle together for heat. Relief warms him when her laughter eventually stops and she falls asleep. It might be hours or minutes later when the violent shaking of her body wakes him. At first he thinks she’s having a fit, but it’s a nightmare. She calls Raven’s name, sobbing. He kisses her brow and holds her tighter. She seems to settle again and they both fall back to sleep.

When the frost nudges him into consciousness once more, it is daylight and Star is no longer beside him. He rushes outside and scans the forest. Unable to see her, he shouts her name through the trees. He listens for laughter or crying, but he can hear nothing. It is as though the air around him is holding its breath. There are no sounds of animal or human life, and the wind is still.

He grabs the bag and walks down hill. Star is like water, she will not climb upwards. Cursing his lack of depth perception, he stumbles over the uneven ground. Five minutes later he calls her name again. When the second attempt yields no success he stops and closes his eyes. He clears his mind and her image forms. Opening his eyes, he walks towards her.

As he descends the steep tree-covered slope he sees remnants of her journey. Her jacket is caught in the branch of a tree, discarded like an old snakeskin. He untangles the garment and carries it towards her. As the ground evens out, he sees a pile of black clothing. He looks around him, terrified of what he will find. Light glints between the trees—a silver light which dances in his eye. He walks towards the loch. Breaking the surface of the water is a black oval shape.

‘Star,’ he calls out to her. ‘Come back.’

She looks over her shoulder at him.

‘I felt dirty,’ she says, a hint of hysteria in her tone.

‘It’s too cold love,’ he says. ‘Please come here. Let me dry you. We’ll have breakfast.’

He dips his fingers into the water. The icy cold stabs his skin. He shakes his hand to stop the throbbing. Tears form in his eyes. She isn’t moving. She just stands there in the freezing water, watching him.

‘It’s lovely,’ she says. ‘Why don’t you join me?’

He closes his eyes and lays his palms on the water willing it to warm. There is too much liquid and each time he thinks his hands feel warmer a new surge of icy aqua chills them again. He shakes his head.

He gathers wood for the fire. Aware every moment could bring Star’s final heart beat. He makes a fire and strips his own clothes laying them beside the growing flames. He moves Star’s clothes there as well. Then he steps into the water. The shock of it steals his breath, but he keeps moving towards her. When his legs refuse to walk further he starts to swim. He reaches her, and she tries to kiss him. Grabbing her arm, knowing he is hurting her, he drags her back to the shore. They sit beside the flames, shaking, unable to get warm or dry. She stares at him but her eyes do not betray the emotions she feels. He tries to dry her body with his clothes. Frost forms over her blue skin. Although she is still damp, he dresses her then dresses himself in his now wet shirt and trousers. His teeth chatter so hard he fears they might shatter. Huddled in front of the flames, her face turns towards him; her eyes judge him.

He is frightened to leave her to gather food, even though the sounds their stomachs make are now louder than the rushing of blood in his ears. He suggests she come with him, but she refuses. So he stays where he can see her and rummages. Although the leaves he finds taste bitter, they will sustain them for a while at least. He offers some to Star. She tastes the food and spits it into the fire. Trying to ignore the vicious flavour, he eats. He needs to stay strong for both of them.

‘It’s time to move, Star,’ he says. ‘We’ll head towards town. You can bathe in warm water and we can go home.’

She nods. He fights back an urge to laugh. The relief is overwhelming. He throws earth on the flames and reaches for her hand. She stands up without his aid and walks away from him. He follows her.

The parade of two makes good time. When the mist falls, they are at the foot of the mountains in more varied woodland. Satori sees a cottage. Star walks past it and he calls her back. The roof is full of holes and the door is ajar but it is shelter for the night. The gelatinous darkness, smell of dust and damp seem to choke Star and she starts coughing.

‘We can go elsewhere if you prefer,’ he tells her.

She does not answer. Already lying on the filthy floor, she turns away from him. He joins her, wrapping his limbs around her body, trying to keep them both warm.

Chapter 43

Star lies on the floor. Exhaustion overwhelms her. Hunger stabs at her belly, but more than that she is tired. Her fingers and toes ache. She feels the weight of her leaden limbs dragging her body downwards, her mind follows, and sleep claims her.

She dreams of dancing in the nightclub. She whirls around the floor like a dervish, her hair and clothes whipping the air. She sees blurred faces as she spins. They seem familiar, but she doesn’t want to stop moving to claim the image as a known. Her movements grow faster and faster until all is a swirl of darkness. She stops moving but the darkness still moves around her.

Inside her womb the child is spinning. She watches it spin round and round. The umbilical cord, which connects them, never tangles. She holds her hand to the child. In spite of its size it seems perfectly formed. Not an embryo at all but a baby. Its eyelids and skin so translucent, she can see through them to the forming organs beneath. It opens its eyes and focuses on its mother. The green eyes are Lilith’s. Star reaches towards its tiny reptilian fingers.

‘Cut it out,’ a voice whispers in her ear. She pulls back her hand and turns to see Raven beside her. Raven is remade, her face no longer smashed and torn but serene and peaceful.

‘I’m sorry,’ Star tells her.

Raven shakes her head. ‘I’m happy now. Complete. You know what you must do,’ she insists. ‘That child cannot be born.’

‘It’s my baby,’ Star says. ‘I love it.’

‘Cut it out,’ another voice whispers.

She turns and sees the man she killed standing behind her.

‘I thought you were going to kill me,’ she says.

‘No you didnae,’ he replies. ‘But youse killed me anyway. I’m okay though. I was lonely in life. I welcomed youse and the company youse offered, but I’m not lonely any longer. I’m free.’

‘Cut it out,’ says a third voice.

‘Paul,’ she says.

‘Lilith is inside you. She will grow stronger. Cut out the evil while you still can.’

A chorus of voices rise to agree. A small grey-haired man, three teenage boys, and a young girl join the throng.

‘Cut it out. Cut it out. Cut it out.’

‘Stop!’ she screams.

She opens her eyes. Satori’s limbs are still wrapped around her. She feels the weight of him and feels comforted. Satori, no longer Steve to her, he is worthy of his name of power if he wants it.
How many times has he saved me?
She looks at his face and the soft lashes, which frame his dream-filled eyes: the gentle mouth which twitches in his sleep and the crop of hair on his chin. The scarlet scar along his cheek is already starting to heal. His is a face she has loved, maybe still does love.
He cannot save me.
They will not reach Paul’s house.

Inching out from under his arm and leg, she moves slowly so as not to wake him. She hopes his are good dreams then wonders whether to leave him a note, but she is certain he will not understand. He thinks that forwards is the only way to travel.